Thursday, April 24, 2014

642. I have selected India's Prime Minister

I took my Voters ID and walked into the voting booth which was a school near my house. As I entered the school, I saw some bored school teachers sitting there.

Bulb Number 1 : A cop rushed inside the school and asked me to remove my bike from the school entrance. " Sir, You look like an educated man. But can't you park the bike in the parking lot"- his words drilled a hole in my heart. With a bleeding heart, I entered the school.

Bulb Number 2: The Voting booth officer asked me to remove my cap and my coolers to make sure that I was not casting some one else's vote

Bulb Number 3: A lady smiled at me. She had a blackish blue nail polish in her hand. She asked me to show my left hand. I showed my thumb and asked her to apply nail polish on my thumb. She said that I had to show my index finger. "But Ma'm, in Bangalore they put nail polish in thumb. Why can't you do that". She said that they apply nail polish only in the index finger.

Bulb Number 4: She applied nail polish on my index finger. I guess she was drunk. If you see my index finger, you will know that she was drunk. If she is not a drunkard, she must have definitely had a nervous problem in her hands.

Bulb Number 5: I took my mobile phone for a selfie. The polling booth officer said "No photos inside the polling booth". My heart started bleeding more.

Bulb Number 6: Then I saw the electronic voting machine. There were around 23 names. Two electronic voting machines were kept side by side. My finger went near NOTA. Then suddenly Chronicwriter Instinct said "Mummy is best" and my finger moved closer to two leaf button. But during that process I was reminded that I was wearing a yellow shirt and pant. Now I was really confused. "Whom should I cast my vote?" ~ My mind was doing mental mathematics. Nalla kaalathulayae naan mathsla weak. When I was really confused, I saw the broomstick button. I had a smile on my face. On top of that button the lotus threatened me to press its button. Too much of ads on TV confused me sooooo much. Finally I saw a crow symbol in one of the buttons. It was a beautiful crow. So I finally pressed the button. When the red light came, I understood that I had pressed the wrong button. Sometimes WRONGs become the RIGHT.

Bulb Number 7: As I walked out of the voting booth, one stray dog started barking at me. I guess it did not like my yellow pants. Then another dog joined with this dog and started to bark in harmony. I had a puppy shame feeling.

Bulb Number 8: I went to the bike stand only to realize that some good soul had stolen the bike petrol from the bike. I pushed my bike all the way back to my house.

I suffered a lot to choose the PrimeMinister of our country. If only they don't lead our country well, they will either get piles or turn into Arnab Gowsami. Jai Ho


Tuesday, April 22, 2014

640. Dr.Vijay shocks NaMo

Recently NaMo visited Dr.Vijay and shook hands with him. When the meeting took place, Actor Vijay's left hand was free. Usually in similar situations, Dr.Vijay uses his free hand to protect the back of the person who stands next to him. 

In the movie Pokkiri, he safeguarded Asin's back from UFOs. In another movie, he safeguarded Nayantara from alien attack. But the same care and affection was not given for NaMo by our Dr. Vijay.

Such a disrespectful act has never happened to NaMo ever in his life. Even Karan Thappar's questions did not hurt NaMo this much. It has been found that NaMo even cried on his way back after meeting Dr. Vijay.

This shocking irresponsible act of Dr. Vijay has infuriated the NaMo supporters to a greater extent. Is that an indirect signal given by Dr.Vijay that he was not supporting NaMo? We have to wait and see. 


Monday, April 21, 2014

639. Sreesanth - The greatest Outswing Bowler India ever had.

India has produced some great out-swing bowlers. Kapil Dev was known for his brilliant outswingers with the old ball. Zaheer Khan still packs a lot of punch. Buvanesh Kumar can swing the ball both ways. His Inswingers are more popular than his outswingers. Irfan Pathan had a peach of an outswinger when he started his career. Then slowly he became an ordinary bowler. Ashish Nehra showed to the world in the match against England in the 2003 world cup that he is a great outswing bowler too. I can never forget those great deliveries he bowled to single handedly maul the English batsmen. This post is about none of them. This post is dedicated to the bad boy of India Cricket Sreesanth.

Sreesanth who has now got a tainted image is the best outswing bowler India has ever produced. His economy as a bowler does not in any way showcase the talent that he had. It is such a shame that a man with such a magic arm has wasted his life succumbing to little pleasures in life. There are many culprits around; but the manner in which he alone is branded as a notorious character is something that is unacceptable. But that's the irony of life. This is one guy everyone made fun of (that includes me).

Sreesanth has always been labelled as a boy who never had a control of his emotions. His antics at times irritate a lot of us. But undeniably he single handedly sledged team Australia more than once and gave them a taste of their own medicine. Hayden, Ponting, Symonds had been on receiving ends more than once.

Every Indian lauded him when he smashed Andre Nel for a six and danced down the pitch with the booty shake. I am in no ways supporting Sreesanth's actions. He did a big mistake and he is going through the punishment. But he is not alone in the betting and spot fixing scenario. There are many involved in this and unless and until they are proven guilty they will all have a halo around their heads.

My favourite Sreesanth moment would be the manner in which he dismissed Hayden and Gilchrist in the Semifinals of the T20 world cup in 2007. Yuvraj was brilliant with the bat in that match. But when the Aussie guys were going ballistic in their run chase, it was Sreesanth who put the brakes on them.

Now a days when they show highlights of that match on TV, they do not even show the two dismissals. By doing so, Is BCCI thinking that they are being fair? I am not saying that he should be given a chance again. Enough chances have been given to him and he has failed big time on many occasions; but as a bowler, even though he concedes lot of runs and is never consistent, he still possesses the greatest outswinger by any Indian bowler. 


Sunday, April 20, 2014

638. IPL7 - Glory to Ashes

IPL. I remember the first few IPLs very well. The manner in which McCullum scored his first century, Kamran Khan's lethal outswingers and his sudden disappearance, Manish Pandey's century, Dhoni's finishes, Shane Warne's captaincy, The worse treatment given to McGrath by DD, The SouthAfrican IPL. When I think about the money monger game of cricket, I still do have fond memories.

But the IPL 7th season has not still registered in my mind yet. Every year, I would subscribe to Sony Setmax or SonySix to watch IPL. But this year I have not done that yet; not that I hate the sport. Cricket is still an entertaining game for me even though it has gone through many disasters in recent times. It is not only me who has started disliking IPL. I come across many who have started hating IPL.

In every IPL, a joker emerges out of no where. SRK was the joker in two IPLs, Vijay Mallya has been a joker all along. Sir Jadeja stormed into prominence a year ago. Munaf and Nehra are the usual comedians. Nehra has joined CSK and he will continue to entertain everyone. Should I at least watch IPL for these funny moments? I might. But still the heart ain't there. Even the sponsors are not showing much interest in IPL these days

The social networking platforms are buzzing with political news and discussions related to Politics. Cricket is pushed to the corner in many discussions. What saddens me really is the fact that those IPL heroes who we consider as National Heroes have failed to cast their Vote this year and are busy playing cricket in Dubai. Still some of them willget a Bharat Ratna in the years to come and we all will praise them.

I hate to rant on my humor page. (But ennayum rant panna vachuteengaley). I would like to dedicate this post to Nehra the latest CSK recruit. This epic picture will stay in my memory when I think about IPL7. This is Nehra dropping a catch in the match against Punjab. Cricinfo's comment on the catch was priceless. The comment was  "Vintage Nehra"


Thursday, April 17, 2014

637. Drunkards are Heroes

1) When we are drunk, English becomes the official language of Indians. Alcohol has the strength to make anyone speak English in just 30 minutes. The speaker will not have any stage fear while speaking in English.

2) Drunkards pee a lot than normal human beings. Their kidney system is always clean.

3) Many drunkards puke too. Their digestive track becomes clean in such a scenario.

4) Drunkards speak the Truth even if that means they will be slapped. They speak the truth and nothing but the truth.

5) Every one should have a drunkard friend. How else will you know that your drunk friend loves you at 2 am in the morning. When they are drunk, the remember you and they show their love and affection by calling you in the middle of the night.

6) Drunkards are natural dancers. They invent dance moves that can never be duplicated or replicated by anyone else. Those dance moves are patented by them.

7) A drunkard never quits. He is a warrior. No matter how many times they fall down, they always get up and say  "One peg more" ; unless they end up sleeping.

8) Gaptun Vijaykanth is a drunkard. Drunkards save the nation from Bagisdan Terrorists.

9) A drunkard is a one man army. See this one many army and understand for yourself.

10) Drunkards can adjust and adapt themselves to any living conditions. They are legends. They can even sleep inside the loo. Some can even sleep one whole night inside a ditch.

11) Drunkards can fly. They are supermen without an underwear.

12) Drunkards can do the cat walk with ease. They walk on all fours many a time.

13) Every drunkard is a Philosopher. The greatest Philosophers are found inside a TASMAC bar.

If only hidden cameras are placed at each tables in a TASMAC bar, the philosophies shared in each table will draw more Youtube hits than any inspirational TED videos. Such philosophers definitely need a bigger platform. 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

636. Ten Undeniable Truths

1) When a guy says to a girl that he wants to be friends with benefits, he is not at all concerned about the Friend part.

2) When a girl decides to break up with a guy, no matter how hard the guy tries, the girl will not change her mind

3) People share Status messages and Posts on FB to get likes and Comments. Many will deny this.

4) Cursive writing has no value. The ugly your handwriting is, the more money you earn!

5) Memorial service is a function where people gather to tell lot of lies about a dead man.

6) Tshirts, socks and Underwears get dirty. You have to wash them regularly. But a denim jeans trouser never gets dirty. You can wear them for ever.

7) If you are driving a car, all the others on the road automatically become your enemies.

8) No one likes Arnab Gowsami #Hi5

9) Death is a certainty for all of us. At some point of time, it will be all over.

10) Men do not understand the nonverbal language of women.


Thursday, April 10, 2014

635. The psychology of special characters

Just look at the special characters in your computer Keyboard for sometime. Each one of them have a story behind them. I looked at some of the special characters in my keyboard and unearthed the secret behind some of them. Here they are...

1) The underscore _ is a hyphen that obeys the law of gravity

2) The hyphen - is an underscore that has a bloated ego and flies in the air.

3) The at-the-rate @ is a very homely "a" who covers her head with a shawl. She is a traditional girl.

4) The hash # is a bad word

5) The exclamatory mark ! is a Naamam in disguise.

6) The semi-colon ; is a confused idiot. No one know where to use him in a sentence.

7) The dollar $ is a valuable commodity.

8) The double bracket { is Shikandar Dhawan's moustache when he falls on the ground drunk.

9)  The asterisk * is an all rounder like Sir Jadeja. You can use this sign as a multiplication sign in mathematics, as a Muah sign while texting, as a bullet point too.

10) The Spacebar is like NaMo. Too Big of a key in the keyboard; but nothing but a useless space.


Wednesday, April 09, 2014

634. My first shaving experience.

It was the summer of 1995. I had just entered my teens. By then Sachin Tendulkar had become my favorite cricketer. I started collecting posters of Sachin and started to follow every news about him. He started acting in ads. Boost, Gillette, Action shoes, Pepsi ads are still fresh in my memory.

In the Gillete Ad, Sachin would use a razor and after the single is over, he would say "Gillethee". I would mimic that same voice. Back then I still had that high pitched voice and I sounded exactly like Sachin Tendulkar. Only after my voice broke, I ended up sounding like Usha Uthup.

After seeing that ad, I developed a strong desire to attempt shaving. But I had no facial hair to shave off in the first place. I would go closer to the mirror and stare at those light brown soft whiskers between my nose and upper lip and console myself saying that is moustache. 

I would flick the eye shadow pencil from my sister's cabinet and would highlight my moustache. Still it would look very mild and thin. But I would have a sense of manliness when I walk around with a mascara moustache. Once I was convinced that I had some moustache, I decided to shave it off.

I did not know how to use a razor. My dad used a twin blade razor at that time. Back then, everyone used a single blade razor. My dad was one among the cool dudes who graded up to use a twin blade razor in the mid 90s. He had a shaving brush and a lemon flavoured shaving cream.

I was waiting for the right opportunity to use the shaving equipments to shave my moustache off. In the Gillette advertisment, Sachin would be shaving white lather. He did not have any facial hair too. So that came as a great consolation for me. If Sachin could do that, I could do that too.

So one day, when no one was noticing me, I sneaked into the bathroom with my dad's shaving kit. I stood in front of the mirror and started lathering my baby bum cheeks. I had turned the water tap on and the water flowing into the bucket sound could be heard outside. No one doubted me that I was going to shave.

I was a pimpled face boy and I started getting a burning sensation on my cheeks. The lemon smell was so strong, my mom found out that I was not taking my bath. She came and knocked the door and asked me "Chriz ! What are you doing?". "Mom! I am taking a bath" came my coy reply. I did not know that she was going to stand there till I finish shaving.

Next, I took the shaving razor and kept it near my right ear. I did not have a side burn. So I decided to start from the ear. I did not know which direction I should go. I did not even know that I should only be sliding the razor in vertical movements and if I give horizontal movements, I would be slitting my cheeks.

My first shaving move was a horizontal pull. The lather came off. I could see a small red line on my cheek in the mirror. Slowly blood started to ooze out. My first shaving project started with a cut on my cheek. Tears started to well up in my eye lids. I did not create any sound for fear of being caught.

I splashed water on that cheek and applied Ponds powder on that cheek. After sometime the blood stopped oozing out of that cut. My next attempt was on my left cheek. I dragged the razor down in vertical motion, because I had learnt my lesson from my first mistake. This time I cut open a pimple and along with the blood, puss started to ooze out. I never thought that shaving would be a painful process. More tears flowed out.

I washed my face and put that razor down. I did not continue any further. Then I took a bath and came out of the bathroom. I was received by my mother who spanked me to glory because she caught me with a swollen face. My first shaving experience was a horror story. 

Now I hate shaving. But the moustache and hair grows crazy.


Tuesday, April 08, 2014

633. Where is your Offertory going?

God loves a Cheerful giver! 

This is the most common Bible verse that is read aloud in many churches before the offertory is collected. But do you know where your offertory is going? Many churches are doing a great work by helping the needy people and by doing the great commission. But there are some thieves who use God's money for themselves.

Just look at the above picture. Can you notice the similarities in the lip structure of both these people. Yes! Joyce Meyer has used the Church money to augment her lips. She has done this procedure to add beauty to her smile.

Back then, when she used to smile, her full frontal teeth will be visible for public view. But after her lip augmentation, she looks like the joker in batman. She has already stolen lot of money from the offertory and lives in luxury. To add to it, she twists the Bible and preaches a hellish doctrine. 

In the case of Joyce Meyer, the offertory was used for damaging her lips; where as when it comes to Paula White, she has used the offertory given by the people in the church to have breast implants, face uplift and botox use. 

 A decade ago silicon implants were done by film actresses like Pamela Anderson and the likes to boost their image and to lure the attention of the audience. At least people in the glamour industry used their own money to do all the attachments to their body. But these days people go on to the extent of remodelling themselves using Offertory.

Where is your Offertory going?


632. Ten tips for Writers

           I was given the name Chronicwriter in the year 2004.

      I started professional writing a year before that. 

      With a decade of experience in the writing world; I have learnt a little on presentation skills. 
      The following ten tips might be useful for the budding and upcoming writers/authors who are waiting to make it big in the writing world.

  1.     No one else would nurture your writing talent. You have to harness that skill yourself
  2.     Being a good writer with great vocabulary is one thing; being a great presenter even with a limited vocabulary is another. The latter are those who make it big in the writing world
  3.     Some writers look at others to gain inspiration. Good writers never wait for inspirations. They become the inspiration for others
  4.     Great writers become meditators when they put that pen on paper. Once the meditation ends, the writing also gets over. The output is their meditation
  5.     Writing a novel is a painstaking process. The writer often becomes a nutcase who goes into a different world during this process. Very few understand him. Sometimes he loses track of himself and when that happens he should take a break.
  6.     There are basically two great rules for writing. No one knows what those two rules are
  7.     A great writer should be a ferocious reader. If he does not have the time to read, he will only end up producing crap which he would think as great writing.
  8.     When you come across a great thought, immediately jot down that thought in your little diary. That thought will someday become a masterpiece.
  9.     The best time to write is when you are sleepy ; the best time to edit your work is when you are sober
  10.     There will be greater writers than you; there will be smarter writers than you; there will be talented writers than you; but you will be the only you in what you are strong at. No one can beat you in that. That is what you have to project.
        - Chronicwriter (Still struggling hard to get a publisher for my book)

Monday, April 07, 2014

631. Cars and Human Beings

I certainly believe that when you drive a car for a long period of time, you develop a bond with that car. My three year love with the alto I drive is so profound that I don't have words to explain. It is one such car that others would hate for the lack of comfort. My car can't be driven that easily by anyone else. The clutch plate is loosely tuned so that only I could drive it with ease.

There is a Tamil movie where Rajnikanth drives a car which he calls Lakshmi. He develops a bond with that car that it listens only to him. The name of the movie is Padikadhavan. We used to laugh at that scene where it starts when he says "Lakshmi please start". 

When I was contemplating on the human behaviour of cars and how they are engineered, I started to focus on the exterior design of some of the cars I saw on the Indian roads. Some of these cars are designed based on human beings. I might be wrong in my thought process; but I would ask my readers to look at the following three pictures to similarities between the design of a car and a structure of a human being

1) The WagonR = Flat butt human being

2) Maruti Swift = Fat Butt Human being

3)Honda Brio = Low Hanging Trousers

No wonder I start ROFL when ever I see a Brio.