Friday, June 29, 2012

522. Two Timing

- AA Lee

Have you ever been ditched? How do you feel when you try to reach your girlfriend or your boyfriend over the phone in the middle of the night and all that you hear is a busy tone? Many of you might have been there, done that and would have learnt a lesson or two from bad experiences. I am not gonna give a gyan on how to handle such issues. This ain't an agony aunt section.

Women, when they two time are extremely cautious and they can manage to two time for a longer period of time. But men are the fools in the two- timing business. When a man two times, he will get caught pretty soon. You might say that you have heard this line in the Tamil movie "Kadhalil Sodhapuvadhu Eppadi".

When I was in kindergarten, I fell in love with Renu. Regular readers of my blog would be knowing this. Though I loved Renu with all my heart, soul, mind and my little nose; I faced a big problem. Yes the problem was my childhood villain, Shabir. He was in love with Renu too. She smiled at all his jokes. So I knew that she liked him. So during those times, I would shudder into little, tiny tears and I would long to wipe my tears on someone.

There was a girl from Kerala in the same class. Her name was Minu. Minu was not as beautiful as Renu neither was she smart like Renu. But she was a mallu and that was the secret. Normally guys from Tamilnadu have a thing for girls from (g)ods' own country. I was no exception. Minu would often lend her shoulder for me to cry. Though Renu did not laugh at my jokes, she would frown when I cry on Minu's shoulders. That reaction of Renu was a clear indicator that she liked me. So to get that reaction from Renu, I would often cry a lot on Minu's shoulders. Slowly I found that I was falling in love with Minu also.

Two timing is a difficult task for grown up adults. So the amount of pressure that I had to face as a three year old boy was too much. What would a three year old like me do ? During those days we did not use a notebook and a pencil. All we used was a slate and a piece of chalk. I found it difficult to even spell the letters in the english alphabet. But Shabir was too good in it. Often I would feel like punching Shabir on his nose. But he was stronger than me and I would curb my intentions.

One day I had a bad cold and I had a running nose. Minu saw my condition and she offered her small hand kerchief. I looked at her eyes and I saw her eyeballs in the shape of two hearts. Love was in the air. Renu did not like it at all. She immediately came to me and offered her handkerchief too. I did not expect this. I turned towards Renu and saw the same hearts in her eye balls also. It is situations like this that men never know how to react. Both were extending their hand kerchiefs and I really did not know whose heart I was going to break with my action. At this moment Shabir also walked upto me and stood in front of me. To my surprise, I found that he also had running nose. Immediately both the girls turned towards Shabir and offered their hand kerchiefs.

Why did they do this?

It is for the simple reason that Shabir had 6 packs even when we were in kindergarten. I felt like a guy who ran the entire marathon only to faint just before reaching the finish line. Yes, I cried that day; but my sympathy creation tactics did not work with both the girls. They walked away with Shabir and I remained sitting in the corner of the room with tears in my eyes.

Note: This post was supposed to end on a emotional tragedy note. The intention of the author was to leave the reader with a heavy heart at the end of the post.


Wednesday, June 27, 2012

521. How to get a size zero figure.

If your vital statistical measurements of chest-stomach-hips range between 30-22-32 inches and 33-25-35 inches, then you are a size zero figure. Some of the world renowned size zero figures are Kareena Kapoor, Uma Thurman, Illena, Sarah Bosely, Genelia, Katie Green,Victoria Beckam, Chronicwriter and almost all girls in Somalia."Size zero" often refers to extremely thin individuals. Many women dream to have a size zero figure.

The following points are some of the tips that can be adopted by women to get a size zero figure. So If you are looking for tips to get a size zero figure, you are at the right place

  1. Watch Arnab Gowsami on Times Now. You will automatically start throwing up and when you watch his talk shows regularly, you will eventually become a size zero figure in no time. Many women in India are becoming size zero following this technique.
  2. Take 234 phone calls everyday from your mobile phone. If you have a boy friend who will sacrificially top up your mobile phone you are lucky. Research has shown that adopting this method will make you achieve the size zero figure in quick time.
  3. Take the size zero girls for parties and feed them with junk food. They will put on weight. So relatively , you will look thin compared to them.
  4. Make nice chicken biriyani and mix five tablespoon of laxative with it and eat it. Do this for one week. You will have awesome figure in no time.
  5. Google for "Sreesanth Pictures". See the search results for 7 seconds. You will feel giddy. If you watch the pictures for more than 10 seconds you will pass out. When you wake up, you will find yourself in the hospital and the doctor will come to you and say ,"Congratulations, you are going to become a mother". You will be shocked to hear this. The doctor will then say, "I was just kidding. You just had a bout of dysentery and you have become a size zero figure"
If none of these techniques work out, please read some more blogs written by Chronicwriter; you will soon become size zero.


Monday, June 11, 2012

520. Expressions

How many of us have done this? I have done this many a times. I draft a big mail and then send that mail to a senior official at work without attaching the necessary attachments. By the time we realize that there is no attachment, the mail would have already reached the boss. If someone could capture that precise expression it would look like this.

We are talented in showing facial expressions the day we enter into this world. Some of the common facial expressions are added below. Just see the following pictures and once you are done, you can get back to work.

Now you can get back to your work.


Monday, June 04, 2012

519. The agony of a first bencher

School days! Most memorable days of our life unless and until you have been a first-bencher all your school life. I have been a first-bencher all the days of my school life. Looking back from the first bench, the last bench students would look scary. They are the rowdies of the class. They are the ones who will speak all bad words in class, eat chapatti during class hours, read sleazy magazines during class hours.

The first bench will be full of the learned scholars, future IIT, IIMs and good boys and girls and of course shorties like me. I was made to sit in the first bench not because I was a good boy nor because I was a future IIT product. I was there for the simple reason for being short. I would often think why I am not tall. But then my childhood hero Sachin would flash across my eyes and I would feel happy.

Sometimes I would feel like sneaking to the last bench to see what the notorious boys in class were up to. But I would control by inhibitions because of two reasons
1) Renu did not like the last bench boys
2) The last bench boys were scary.

Renu used to sit in the second row. One day Renu did not come to school. So I decided to go to the last bench when the teacher was not around in the class room. I gathered all my courage and walked slowly towards the last bench. It was like walking towards a lion's den. The last bench boys stared at me with a scornful look. I smiled at them. It didn't work. When I reached the last bench, One guy pulled me and dragged me under the last bench. Three others hit me and punched me and told me " Idhu Enga Area, Ulla Varaadha" which in English translates to " This is our area, Don't you dare come here". That was the last time I went closer to the last bench in school.

Through out my school days, Though I was always seated in the first bench, my heart was always in the last bench. All my last bench dreams came true, when I entered college. Because I was a full time-yapper, I became an automatic candidate for the last bench when I entered college. The criteria for a last bench candidate in college are listed below

1.Ability to whistle with fingers folded inside the mouth
2.Ability to create rhythmic music by hitting at the wooden benches.
3.Ability to throw chalk pieces at the first row benches.
4.Ability to rag first time lecturers.
5.Ability to rag juniors in college.
6.Ability to walk out of the class midway through the lecture.
As I fit into all these useless criteria I became an eligible candidate for the last bench. I will write about my college day stories in another post. But let me come back to the school days. School excursions are again a memorable thing for everyone (not for the first benchers)

This is how a school excursion seating would look like. All the innocent, calm and good students will be seated in the first few rows. The love birds will occupy the middle seats and the notorious ones will sit in the last two rows of seats. I have no clue how they bring in alcohol and cigarettes. The students will be accompanied by two school teachers (one will be a physical education teacher and the other will be an English ma'm). The bad students will enjoy the excursion very much. They will tease all the love birds. The good ones will have to just sit and look at the scenery. As the journey goes on, they doze off. 

Being a first bencher is one of the greatest banes of being in a school especially if you are a hyper active kid.


Sunday, June 03, 2012

518. Dogs and Actresses

We come across many look-a-likes in our day to day lives. When I look at a tree, it resembles someone I know. I always picture someone when I look at objects around me. Recently I was looking at dogs and some of the dogs resembled some actresses we have seen in the big screen.

This is entirely a humor post birthed out of the imaginative mind of the author and this post in no way insults a dog or a human being. If the funny bone in you is still alive, it might wake up when you see the following pictures.

Just look at the following pictures of dogs. When I looked at them, these are the actresses who came across my mind. At the end of this blog-post, I have a picture for all my readers. It is an exercise for you to find out whether you also think like the author.

Now tell me who this is? If you and I think alike, I have a special gift for you - (An attractive T-Shirt with a funny caption)

Clue : Bollywood / Tamil Actress