Monday, June 13, 2011

469. My first romantic date

It was the year 1985. I was in Kindergarten. Many would know that I was in love with a girl called Renu in my kindergarten days. Renu was in love with Shabir and hence mine was a triangle love story.

The initial few days in Kindergarten were the toughest days of my life. I found it difficult to hold the small chalk piece and write all the letters in the English alphabet in a small slate; at the same time I found it difficult to cope up with the emotional pressures that became more and more because of Shabir's presence in the class. How much can a three year old boy handle?

Shabir was the only guy in class who can chew the chewing gum without swallowing it. So he was the Hero of the class. He had also stopped bed wetting. I was a regular bed wetter during that time. I continued to wet my bed for many more years. Now this post is not about my bed wetting heroics. So let us get back to the topic.

As Romance for Renu bloomed in my small heart, I was not the same anymore. I would sit in the front bench in the classroom. She would sit in the adjacent bench. I would often give her a romantic look at her. She would sit in her bench like an angel and would throw an "I don't give a damn" look at me. At the same time, she would blush when Shabir looked at her. This would make me feel so bad. I would feel like punching Shabir on his face. But I wasn't strong too. The agony in my little heart became increased and it was hard for me to bear. There have been times when I would break into little shudders while sitting in the potty. No one would see my tears.

One day, I gave my regular romantic look to Renu and she reciprocated with a smile. It was the happiest moment of my kindergarten days. Shabir was absent that day. I decided to make full use of the opportunity to win Renu's Love. During the recess break, I went near her and offered her two milk bikis biscuits. She picked them from my hands and smiled at me. Was she smiling at me because Shabir was absent that day? Did Shabir threaten her that he would kill her father if she smiled at me? and Was that the reason for her not smiling at me all these days? I also learnt that Shabir was on leave because he was down with viral fever and that meant that he would be on leave for a week. I was happy , because i knew that this was the best opportunity for me to win Renu's love.

I said to her, " What is your favorite color?" ( A decent pick up line for a 3 year old boy)

"Red" came the reply.

That was the moment Red became my favorite color too.

The next day, I wore a red shirt and a red short trousers to school. Renu was in a red frock with red laces . She was beautiful. I wanted to dedicate the song lady in red for her. But I did not know the lyrics by heart. So I just hummed the tune. She smiled at me. During the recess time, I approached her and said to her, " Can We build a sand castle during our play-period. She said Yes. The next two hours seemed like eternity. I waited for noon to come.

Every afternoon, the kindergarten kids were allowed to play in a small room. We called it the sand box. We would have small plastic mugs and water bottles. We were given an opportunity to build clay castles. I never liked playing in the sand. I always picked the sand and sprinkled them on all the girls in the class. But today, I decided to behave like a good boy. Renu agreed to play with me, in spite of knowing that I was a brat.

During lunch time, I could not eat the rice and sambhar. It seemed that I was already full. I closed the lunch box and washed my hands. I was now ready to play the sand box game with Renu. The bell rang. I ran to the sand box room. Renu was already sitting inside the room. She looked like an angel. She did not have wings though. I slowly walked and sat next to her. Shalini and Radhika were also sitting along with Renu. I did not want them around. So I tried to make them understand through my facial gestures. Shalini thought that I was indulging in eve teasing. She took a fistful of sand and threw it on my face. If Renu had not been there, Shalini would have been dead meat by then. So I acted like a gentleman, I took an handkerchief and wiped my face and said, " That's ok Shalini. I forgive you". Renu smiled at me. I knew that I had created a good impression on Renu.

Immediately Radhika, who was sitting behind me emptied a handful of sand inside my shirt. Before I could react, Shalini attacked me from the other direction. I remained calm as a cucumber. When Shalini tried to attack me again, Renu stopped her. That was the happiest moment of that day. Renu came near me and wiped my face with her soft hands. Then she said, "Chriz, I wanna tell something to you. Can you please close your eyes". The very next second, I closed my eyes. Then she told, " Chriz, Can you please open your mouth?". My mouth opened automatically. Soon she filled my mouth with some sand. I realized that Renu also had played a prank on me. I controlled my tears and slowly walked out of the sand box room. As soon as I stepped out of the room, it started raining. I slowly walked into the rain so that no one could see my tears. Till date, I don't know why Renu did that to me; and I am not gonna crack my head in trying to figure the answer.

Next Post : The Love letter that made Renu fall for me.

Friday, June 03, 2011

468. A poem for my fiancee

I wrote my first love letter when I was in Kindergarten. Check the post about my first Love letter here [link]. I wrote that first love letter for my Kindergarten Love of my life- Renu. She is now married with two Kids and one husband.

My tryst with Love letters continued for a long time. I have written 100s of love letters for my friends and many of those love letters have yielded great results. Many such couples who were fixed by my Love letters are now happily married with children. I am not responsible for the children.

When I was in class 8, I wrote a letter with blood that made my Renu to give her heart to me for 4 days before my villain Shabir intervened and took her away from me by presenting her with a Dairy Milk Chocolate.

I wrote my last love letter in the year 2005 during my MBA days. I wrote it for a friend of mine. He gave it to his girlfriend. Now they are married. How ever he has doubts on me because their kid resembles me.

I have this crazy habit of venturing into a territory, especially when someone tells me that I can't do that. I took to dancing when my dance teacher in School did, not allow me to join the school dance team, because she thought that I had two left legs. Advice to the readers : If you have two left legs, you will become a great tap dancer. The great tap dancer Gene Kelly had two left legs.

This morning, my friend told me that I can't write a love letter. Hence I am gonna use this post to write a Love letter for my fiancee. Do I have a fiancee? or Do I not? I leave it to your imagination.

Love letter to my Fiancee

I have a picture of you
which is like Hot Chicken stew.
Jackie Chan is a master of KungFu
I take a break and go to the Loo.

I eat bread for breakfast
Baba Ramdev is on a fast
In the exam I come last
If I pierce a Balloon, it will blast.

My Doberman dog does not have a tail.
Kanimozhi madam is in Tihar Jail.
Vijay Mallya got aapu from R Ashwin.
You are the answer for my every Question.

Mandira Bedi does not smoke beedi
You are my evergreen Lady
I work out to get a Gym Body
Pickle and Crab goes along with Toddy.

I can't stand when you Cry.
So I will sit and eat Mutton Fry.
On your Lips I plant a Kiss.
But your mouth stinks, so please brush dear Miss.

Prince William cooks for Kate Middleton
My eyes are aching because I looked at the Sun
I like your hairstyle when you tie it in a bun.
When you let your hair free,away from you I will Run

My love for you oozes out like a Volcano's Lava.
Your daddy rides a very old Java
"Vada Poche", exclaimed the Old Aayaa.
I very well know that you will give me Halwa.

Cockroach dies when I spray HIT.
Is this love letter worser than SHIT?
Navjot Singh Siddhu's mouth should be KNIT.
If you leave me, my life would have no meaning in IT.

- Chrony The Poet.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

467. The Straightening effect.

His name was Srinivasa Varadharajan. He was my school mate. He was this typical Village guy who used to come to school with shabby hair style and he even had lice on his hair. His nose would ooze out and he never knew what public etiquette was. Such was his upbringing. But school life slowly changed his approach. When he started moving with school children from different social classes, he soon grasped the good things from everyone. This was evident from his attempt to speak in English. I lost touch with him after school days.

Recently, I attended a social media talk in Singapore where I was treated with wonderful talks by some of the best social-media experts in the world. One Speaker was simply brilliant. He won our hearts with his mastery of the language and the manner in which he carried himself. His name was Steve Vatz. He had long hair and if I could describe him in one word, it would be "Awesome". He interacted with the audience and he even invited some from the audiences on to the stage and used them as props to dramatically explain the examples he used in his speech. Suddenly while he was talking, he looked at me, paused for a moment and said, "Chriz, Come to the stage". I was taken by surprise. "How did he know my name?" I slowly walked to the stage.

"Don't you recognize me Chriz? I am the same old Srinivasa Varadharajan. I literally peed in my pants when he said that. What a change? Is this the same guy who was the butt of all jokes in school? We thought that no one could straighten that village boy. I stood there like a statue and memories of Srinivasan flashed across my mind.
  • Srinivasan would be kneeling down outside the classroom almost everyday, because he would fail to do his homework.
  • He had very low self esteem. He was teased, scorned and we made fun of him for every single reason
  • He could not speak a single line in English.
  • His hairstyle was pathetic. He never combed his hair. He looked like a golliwog.
After the speech got over, we went out for dinner. He told about the struggles that he went through and the manner in which he was ridiculed in life. His never-say-die spirit took him to the position where he was. I still don't know why he had to change his name to Steve Vatz. But he has his own reasons for that. I am not poking my nose into that.

His circumstances changed him. He had the spirit to fight against all odds. He made an effort to learn. When he did not know the meaning of a word, he had the humility to say ,"I don't know". He is now a social entrepreneur and earning in Millions. His attitude changed and he molded his character; but still now pride has not entered him and I could sense it from his down-to-earth behavior. I became an instant fan of him. Some people can be straightened and they can become great citizens when they put some effort in life.

But there are many mongrels who do not attempt anything in life, but still dream to become Big in no time. One such example is straightening of hair. Kuruvamma, Munimma and Pichamma aspire to become like Kate, Monica and Penelope and some of their aspirations come true too. My friend Sheela who actually looks like a female version of Johnny Lever suddenly became beautiful on her wedding day. Her hair was straightened. Only when she opens her mouth to speak, one would realize that there is a piggy behind that beautiful mask.

Note to Guys : Beware of the Straightening effect. Even monkeys can look beautiful when their hair is straightened. What matters is the character. Don't just blindly fall for the looks.

Additional Note : As though you are gonna listen to my advice. Even I am not gonna listen to that advice. The next time, I lay my eyes on a drop dead gorgeous girl, my heart is gonna beat faster too. So just ignore my advice.

Even the Ugly Ducklings can become super-Hot beauties in no time, Thanks to the straightening effect. Beauty parlors are experts in doing makeovers that completely change pigs to beauties in minutes. Some of my classmates who are exact replicas of pigs looked so beautiful on their wedding day. The below pair of pictures belong to the same person before and after a make over.

Taylor Swift who broke up with one of the Jonas Brothers because he disagreed to break his vanity pledge, was a very ordinary looking girl. But thanks to hair straightening effect, she has now a few top hits to her name.

Serena Williams was a fast bowler. She had curly hair. But when she Straightened her hair, her attitude changed and she also started playing tennis well. She now balances her tennis- cricket talents. As a Cricketer she plays for the Srilankan national team under a pseudo name called Mallinga.

The below picture is a very classic example of what hair straightening can do to an old lady.