Tuesday, April 26, 2011

459. Why there?

Disclaimer: No Pigs were murdered while typing this post.

Note : This post is gonna be gross. Decent people can stop here. Please don't proceed any further

Additional Note: Now as you are reading this line, you are proving to the entire world that you are indecent like me. So join the club. Read on.

Why there?

I have seen people go through pain and suffering because of various reasons. Pregnant ladies go through a life-after-death experience during child birth. Don't ask me how life would be after death. I have never been there.

People who suffer from Piles go through much pain too. Why would an extra growth find a strategic place like the rear end of a human being to make its great grand appearance?

If you are a close friend of mine, you would have known that I am on a weight-gaining mission. I had an initial plan of piling 10 kilograms in 50 days. After 10 days of heavy eating, I gained three kilograms. Suddenly I felt like a pregnant woman. Hence to avoid the risk of child birth, I have gone back to my original diet. I can now relate with all the pregnant women in the world. If you need a shoulder to cry on, you can have mine.

I have never been a victim of Piles nor do I wish to be one in the future. But in the past 24 hours, I have been suffering from a different form of extra growth. It has very painful side effects too.

  1. When I yawn , I feel the pain.
  2. When I blink, it hurts.
  3. When I smile, I get the terrible pain again.
  4. I can't even brush my teeth in peace
  5. This morning I tried poking my ear with ear-buds. I felt that terrible pain once again

Why did it come there? Why there? When I breathe, it hurts. How can breathing be a not-so-good experience? Yes a brand new HEAT BOIL has grown inside my left nose. It hurts big time. You might say, " Come on. It is not severe like piles, cos you are not sitting on your nose"

But do you know that I breathe through my nose. On public demand, I am adding a latest picture of nose. I have censored that portion of the nose where the Heat Boil is located. You must be 18 years or more than that to have a glimpse of the Naked Heat Boil.

If you wish to have a look at the heat boil, plz shoot a mailto prason@chronicwriter.com along with a donation of USD 1033 (Inclusive of Value Added Taxes). Part of the money would be used to buy clothes for Poonam Pandey.


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

458. Dare to be a Sissy

Relationships - Many of us get into it very easily; but don't have clue in coming out of one. The problem lies in the manner in which we get into a relationship. Be it finding a friend or a life-partner, we all have different selection patterns.

Back in college, you got to be different from the rest of the gang to be recognized. If you have a shabby beard, they would consider you as a cool chap. I never had a beard then. So i was never cool in that sense. Humor is a puller and thanks to it, I had a big number of friends.

Most girls form their gangs based on their common interests.
  • "Do you watch FRIENDS?". "Yes, I watch FRIENDS. ke ke ke ke ke ke ke ke (irritating laughter). Let's be friends".
  • "Oh Shahid Kapoor is cute". " I find him cute too. Let us be friends"
Boys on the other hand have a totally different approach.
  • "I am Dhoni's biggest fan". " No I am his biggest fan. You are my enemy". These enemies would join together when they see a Sreesanth fan. Unfortunately Sreesanth doesn't have any fan. So the Dhoni fans remain as enemies. Sometimes they become friends too. Guys normally don't have ego problems among them unless and until the reason for their problem is a girl.
  • "I like that girl". "She is my rakhi sister. Don't you dare stare at her". In my college one of my friend's rakhi sister eventually became his girlfriend.
Most of these relationships are based on common interests, likes and dislikes. The emotional involvement is barely seen in relationships these days. I am not ruling out the possibility of emotional involvements in relationships. But it is very rare. Very few friends know about the personal problems of their friends. Otherwise their topic revolve around politics, movies, music bands, poonam pandey, IPL, Hot guys (in the case of girls) and girls [hot or cold doesn't matter] (In the case of guys).Everyone wants to be the center of attraction and to get that attention, we perform many unwanted stunts. When I reminisce on the ugly stunts that I have done in my college days to garner attention, I end up smiling.

No one would like to portray themselves as an emotional chicken in college for fear of being called as a sissy. How ever some guys use the emotional mask to attract the species of the opposite sex. Many girls fall for this trap , but they are very talented in escaping out of the trap too. The boys bite the dust 9 out of 10 times.

You either got to be different or you got to know stuffs that no one knows. Usage of the F word is treated as every one's birthright. Everyone will fold their fingers and show the Peace sign. Many do not even know why they use the sign. The usage of this sign is often accompanied by a word "Yo". If someone doesn't do all these, then he or she is labelled as a sissy. If they are emotional then they are called gay.

Every college student will talk about the following topics
  • Rakhi Sawant, Mandira Bedi, Sidhu, Arnab Gowsami
  • Whether they know it or not, they have to talk about the 2G scam
  • They also will light candles for the Lok-Pal movement. They shout anti-corruption slogans but break all the rules in colleges and call that as their birth right.
  • They know about news in Japan, US of A and even in the UK, but they would not know what's happening in their neighborhood.
  • They cry out loud for equality for all, but they mistreat the laborers in their hostel mess.
  • They know all that happens in the lives of their favorite actors and actresses, but do not know anything about that one Un-cool classmate who yearns for a shoulder to cry on.
If one talks sense he is a boring idiot. If someone talks about integrity he or she is treated as a loser. If someone stands for the truth and doesn't copy in exams he or she is treated as a heretic. If you are a virgin you are looked down. Believe me! I am not talking rocket science here. I am talking about my own personal experience in my college. I have called many as sissies too, coz I considered myself to be cool because I was the F word speaking, Yo word pronouncing - sign showing Bozo.
  • Ragging someone was cool.
  • Irritating someone made you look cool too.
  • If you can sarcastically hurt someone, you are the Hero.
  • If you gossip a lot, you are the Man.
  • You have to enter into the personal space of others and create problems.
  • If you don't allow someone to enter your personal space, you are a sissy.
  • Relationships don't mean a thing.
  • Sex is just a three letter word
  • Love = Lust.
The Uncool sissies finish college, slowly move up in the career ladder and establish themselves as successful citizens. The Cool Heroes continue to rag, tease, gossip about others and end up no where.

Message of this post :
  • Be a sissy and have a good career or
  • Be cool and have no Real friends, with no True relationships and when you can't take it any more, just write an article with the Title "Dare to be a Sissy" on your Humor blog.

[Spot Chronicwriter in this photo]

- Chronicwriter

Thursday, April 14, 2011

457. Poke Nose and get a Rub

Many a times, the human mind plays hide and seek with personal spaces. Many of us always have the tendency to poke our nose into the lives of others. We would love to over hear conversations, witness street fights and also gossip about the people around us. Chronicwriter is one such person. He always pokes his nose and gets solid punches every time

Flashback : 14 years ago.

Chronicwriter was in class 10.

There was a big commotion in the school. The Parents teachers association meeting was in full flow. Heated exchange of words was happening in the premises. The girls had raised a complaint against the boys. They had complained that some boys were frequently visiting the ladies rest room in school. All the parents were staring at all the boys with scornful eyes. Some of the anger filled eyes even stared at the most Innocent Chronicwriter also. The meeting ended in a disaster and no action was taken as no one could exactly find the culprit .

The next week, some girls started hatching a plan to nab the culprit. They were always in a huddle. Some of the girls even pointed their fingers at Chronicwriter and murmured something amongst themselves. Chronic writer could not take it any longer. He started following them. The girls disappeared into the ladies room. Chronicwriter waited patiently outside the restroom and the girls emerged out of the rest room after 15 minutes. They dispersed and went in different directions.

Chronicwriter became restless, because he did not have any idea about what the girls discussed . The next day, the girls did the same thing. Chronic writer would follow them, they would go inside the rest room and he would wait outside the rest room and after 15 minutes, they would emerge out of the rest room. This continued for one week and this irritated him. He reached a point where he could not take it any longer. He realized that the girls were plotting something against him inside the Loo. Weekend came and Chronicwriter decided to sneak inside the ladies room to find out the plot hatched by the girls. That Saturday, Chronicwriter went to the school. No one was around. Only the watchman was standing near the gate. He allowed Chronicwriter inside the school because Chronicwriter told him that he came to spend sometime in the library to study. As soon as Chronicwriter entered the school, he went straight to the ladies room. To his horror he saw the following lines written on the walls of the ladies room.


When he saw these three words, he almost had tears in his eyes. How could the girls do such a thing to him? He sat in the ladies room for fifteen minutes, cried a lot and left the place with a heavy heart. Monday came and there was a big commotion in school yet again. Everyone were giving Chronicwriter dirty stares. Finally the Principal of the school approached Chronicwriter with a big cane and started thrashing him. It was a horrific scene. He fell down and saw everyone standing around him. None of them saw him with even 1% sympathy. Even Renu turned her head away. Chronicwriter was in tears. The Principal then dragged him to the ladies room and made Chronicwriter to look at the wall. As soon as Chronicwriter saw the wall, he realized his folly. Below the three words written by the girls, there was an additional line.



Flashback : 1 week ago

Venue :Annanagar -Subway -Chennai

I walked inside and was waiting in the queue to order the Sub of the day, when I noticed a group of youngsters talking something about me. I even overheard one guy telling the others, "Hey guys! That looks like Chriz - the Blogger". When he uttered those words, a sense of happiness tickled my body and I went to a different world. A few questions started popping in my head
  • Will they trouble me for my autograph?
  • Will the two girls in that group go crazy and scream in high pitched voices to show their happiness in seeing me?
  • Will they take pictures with me and upload it in their facebook albums?
  • If they are working in reputed firms, would they romp me to become their brand ambassadors.
I was almost basking in the glory of my dream process when I realized that it was my turn to place the order. I started to place my order and tried to listen to the conversation of the group of people who were sitting behind me. They suddenly started speaking in hushed tones. I could not hear them. I turned around and all of them were giving me dirty stares. Are they Gopumon's fans? A shiver ran down my spine. I went to the corner of the room, ate the cold melt sandwich and left the place in a hurry. There are advantages of being recognized in public places and there is also a danger of getting beaten up in public places when people recognize you.

Flashback: Yesterday

The facebook Punch

Chronicwriter is an avid facebook user and he has more than 3000 people in his friends list. He knows only 1/3rd of them personally. The rest are his Blog friends, readers and his spiritual friends.

Three days ago, a middle aged man added me on facebook. He is a spiritual leader. He added me with a preconceived thought that I would be sharing insights that relate to his thoughts. But he got irritated with me when he saw my humor posts and he did not like it. He also did not like my spiritual stand, because it conflicted with his ideologies. I never knew all this.

Last night, this middle aged man added a status message

What do you do to remove some one from FB friends list?

When I saw his status message, I decided to help him. So I became the first to comment on his page.

He removed me from his friend list.

Yes, I am telling all my readers now, "Chronicwriter is indeed a PAIN."

I might be in your good books. I might be in your bad books. But I really don't care a hoot. I love being myself. You ain't living my life. It is my life and I will live it my way and not Your way.


456. Same Guy?

The characters in each Picture are one and the same

1) Appam Chappathy @Gopumon

2) Puppy Patel

3) Dhoni the Rock Johnson

4) Antenna Jawaharlal Nehra

5) Defnition of a Gorilla Cell : Being in a discussion with the following 3

6. Slinga Williams

7. Now this is an unrelated picture. But where is Poonam Pandey?
8. The Munaf - The baby bottom shaven face

9. I can hear those bad words. :)


Monday, April 11, 2011

455. Lessons for life from 5 Narcissistic pictures of mine

Advice: It is the only thing that you can give freely to anyone. So here you go...

Oh Yes! I am in such a cranky mood today. You better agree with all that I say. If you don't agree with me and if you want me to agree with you instead, I would not mind doing that; but in such a case we both would be wrong. So you better agree with me.

Now It is time to upload some of my pictures . You might want to know the reason behind it
  1. It gives me an opportunity to upload some of my clicks for public display.
  2. It gives me an opportunity to throw some more advices at you using those pictures.
Note: No animals were killed during this photo shoot

1) Never try to feed the whole haystack to a cow in a single day.

Never ever try to feed more than what you can actually eat. We often have the tendency to try to understand an entire subject in a single go. If we do so, we might end with confusion, constipation and convulsion.

This advice is not applicable to Engineering students who try to feed the whole haystack on the day before their semester exam. The picture conveys the message. Three of us tried to enter the boot of the car. It took an entire hour for all three of us to come out of the boot of the car.

2)I wear a chain around my neck, cause I wanna know when I am upside down.

When people ask me, "Chriz, Why do you wear that chain?", I never had an answer to give them. Now I have an answer for them. For all those who drink too much, if you have a chain around your neck, you will know when you are standing on your feet and when you are standing on your head.

Note: When you are standing upside down, remove all the obstacles like the naughty friend who tickles your feet with a twig.

Additional Note: 13th of April is Chronicwriter's birthday. It is also Tamilnadu election day. If you fail to cast your vote, the future of Tamilnadu will turn upside down too

(Edha Kondu Edhu Kooda da Koakkura?)

The above line is in Tamil. It means " Abnormal usage of Similes"

3. Life is 99 % Anticipation and 1 % Over-anticipation.

Most of us choose the 1% that is mentioned in the heading. We Over-anticipate things and often miss the target. We often worry about trivial matters in life. Stay cool. "Aaaaal is Well"

4. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans- Woody Allen

How many times have we set unrealistic Goals in our lives? How many times have we dived inside the pool without even knowing the depth of the pool?

When you start doing a job, plan well, set intermediate targets and work towards the goal. Always have the Final Goal in your mind. The means of achieving the final goal is very important.

When I saw two coconut trees standing next to each other, I decided to climb both trees simultaneously and create a Guinness Record. The two coconut trees were very tall. I was successful till midway. The two trees were not parallel throughout. One tree had a bend on it and that's when the trouble began. I was stuck in mid air. I did not have strength to climb down too. Finally Life guards from the beach came to my rescue.

Moral : Always have a back-up plan.

5) A blind man can see his mouth - Irish Proverb

I am in love with the Blind man Quotes.

“A blind man knows he cannot see, and is glad to be led, though it be by a dog; but he that is blind in his understanding, which is the worst blindness of all, believes he sees as the best, and scorns a guide” - Samuel Butler.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.When I woke up, a Blind man was reading my face - Rodney Dangerfield.

The photographer is in front of me and not where my eyes are focussed on. I am not gonna tell what I am looking at. I leave it to your imagination

Note : All the photos were taken in Sentosa beach, Singapore. My last trip to the beach in Singapore


Thursday, April 07, 2011

454. Letter to my Dad

Any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad - Proverb

A very personal letter to a person who gave me the definition of the word "Daddy"
[For Public Display. I have never done this. But I don't care anymore]

Dear Pappa!

I am thankful for what you gave me.
An offer that I can never refuse
Your impartation of God given Wisdom through Love.
Which I would cherish all through my life with a wow.

Your family came first to you and your work was next.
It didn't matter to you even if it meant that you had no rest.
You were there when we needed you.
Family get together, prayer fellowships, dinners and outings.
We were your first priority

I haven't seen a better mathematician than you.
I am awed by the scientist who is a part you.
When I see the respect that you get in the society, I am glad.
And when you go with a convoy, I say to my friends, "That VIP is my dad".

I tease you
I make fun of you and
I pull your legs
Things that no one else in the Government has dared to do.

You never wanted me to be like you;
You neither forced your ideas on me

You always wanted to see me as the Individual I am.

You have always adored me for who I am

40 years - 1 Job
6 years - 5 Jobs

That's the difference between You and Me.

I am not organised like you.

I never had a goal in life.
I moved along with the flow
I have been a complete failure; but
I have learnt my lessons now
I have let you down in the past
I have broken your heart
But Dad, I am evolving.

I have seen you dad, the way you took care of Grandpa during the last days of his life. You did your duty as a son. You always Honored your parents.

You have set a benchmark; which is a herculean mountain for me to climb.

Thrice - I have seen you cry.
One - When Grandpa died ,
Two - When Grandma passed away,
Three - When I broke my leg.

You gave me Mom and What more do I need?
First, it was akka and then it was me.
My definition of a Happy Family.

Your choice for your life partner was a perfect woman.
I know what to look for when my heart does the scan.
I am aware that you'll wait with me
To see me happy with my own little family

"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." Theodore M. Hesburgh.

I have never seen a romantic couple like you and mom. Theodore might have had you in his mind when he made that statement.
If people ask me " Is your dad always right?," my answer would be No!
If people ask me " Was he always perfect?," my answer would be No!
If they ask me " Is your dad the strongest?," my answer would be No!
If they ask me " Is your Dad the wisest?," my answer would be No!

"Then What's all this fuss? What is so special about him?," they might ask...

My answer would be:
He is My Dad and that's all you need to know
Happy 59th Birthday Pappa!
God bless you.

Love and Prayers,

453. The Gopumon Chronicles

Why did Dhoni do a Tonsure?

When you are done with the ten pictures, you will know the answer

Click on the picture for enlarged view

Poonam Pandey is also an excellent dancer. Why am I saying this now? Totally irrelevant. But Page clicks are guaranteed.
Sreesanth's dance moves during the practice sessions are a treat to watch.

When Dhoni said that one can irritate the opposition; but one should not irritate the team members, Who was he referring to?
Sreesanth and Shaun Tait are the two most wayward bowlers in the International scene today. They are excellent Test bowlers. But in the one day format, they are the jokers in the pack

Rajnikanth watched the cricket world cup finals 2011 from the stands. When ever he came on TV, we erupted in joy. The power of superstar.

The only man who sledges his own team mates, opposition team mates, Umpires and even himself.
Zaheer Khan also lost his rhythm after watching Sreesanth's bowling prowesses.

In the above picture, can you see the grin on Raina's face as he gently taps Sehwag's shoulders to make him look at Sreesanth's expression.

The mystery behind the Tonsured effect.


Monday, April 04, 2011

452. How Dare He?

He bowled a Total of 13 overs in this world cup for team India. He was belted to all parts of the ground and in the process he conceded 105 runs from these 13 overs that he bowled. The Bangladesh Tigers smashed him around the park for 53 runs in just 5 overs in the very first match of the world cup. In the finals the Indian captain took a big gamble by picking him in the final line-up and he was again smashed around the park. He conceded 52 runs in 8 overs. Why is he still in the Indian cricket team? A question to which none of us have an answer. Yet, he is indeed a lucky charm for the Indian cricket team. You would have now come to know who I am talking about.

The black mark in the Bleed Blue Indian Team- Gopumon @ Sreesanth.

Rs 1 Crore for those beautiful bowling figures?
You can't be serious

Sachin Tendulkar, Yuvi, Raina are also getting the same reward for their performances.

You can definitely be not serious.

Sreesanth was thrashed around the park. He has never learnt from his mistakes. His temperament is so weak. He even tried picking a fight with Mahela Jayawardane. That was a very bad sign because Mahela will be leading the Cochin team in the IPL. Sreesanth is a part of the Kochi team.

I watched the finals along with my college friends in Park Hotel in Chennai. The atmosphere in the hotel was crazy. But everytime Sreesanth came on TV, everyone became furious. Foul words were thrown at him in unison.

When Dhoni hit a six to win the world cup for India, we all jumped in joy. It was an euphoric feeling. Everyone in the hotel went on a hugging spree. It was a joy to watch the Indian team rushing inside the ground.
  • When Yusuf Pathan carried Sachin on his shoulders, we had goosepimples.
  • When Yuvaraj Singh had tears in his eyes, we could relate with his feelings.
  • When Bhajji had tears in his eyes, we were moved
  • When the Little Master cried, we all cried along.
But suddenly, out of no where, Sreesanth also started crying and the immediate response was a bunch of foul words. One guy in the hotel even tried to do a Ponting act by attempting to break the big TV screen. But we calmed him down.

How can he even run the winning lap? How dare he?

The world CUP lost its purity the moment Sreesanth's lips came in contact with the cup. How can he kiss the same cup that was kissed by Sachin?

Why do 1 Billion people in the country get angry when Sreesanth appears on the screen? It is his childish attitude that comes to our mind. None of us have any personal qualms against Gopumon. As a person, he might be a wonderful personality. But what he is on the field definitely defines his role as a player in the Gentleman's game of Cricket.

I was mellowing down as I was typing this post. But the reaction given by Sreesanth in the following picture makes me go bonkers again. How dare he?

I can proudly say that Dhoni is the best captain India has ever produced. None of us can even fathom in our wildest thoughts on what runs in Dhoni's mind. But Our Mr. Cool Captain knows what he does and thats all we need. The following picture says it all. The jubilant mood of the Indian cricket team. It leaves a smile on my face. But when my eyes dart towards Gopumon, even my alter-ego starts shouting from inside my mouth with the words ,"How dare he?"

Sreesanth might even have an hairstyle like Malinga, but can he bowl like him in one dayers? Only His attitude will determine that in the future.


Dhoni did not take part in the post-match celebrations. He could not bear to see Sreesanth's emotional reactions after the match. Immediately he went ahead and Tonsured his head.

How dare he?

BTW, Poonam Pandey's mobile phone is with me.


Friday, April 01, 2011

451. Chronic Thoughts about #CWC11 finals

When India won the semifinal match against Pakistan, the kids in the neighborhood burst crackers and made merry. I totally accept that. But why did that 7 year old kid from my colony punch me in the face? Totally Unacceptable.

I am very glad that India has moved to the finals of the worldcup where they will be facing the bowling trio of Malinga, Mendis and Murali.

  • Malinga has a foot fetish. He always bowls yorkers on the toes of the batsmen. Indians gotta watch out for his toe-breaking yorkers. When ever I see him, I am reminded of the movie batman. Remember Joker?

Malinga missed the first two games of the world cup because the Srilankan team Manager misplaced the keys of the animal cage.

How ever the Indian team hasn't found a cage to lock our very own Appam Chappathy @Gopumon. He was given an opportunity in the first match of the worldcup where he was thrashed to all parts of he ground by the Bangladeshi Batsmen. Now he is warming the bench for team India. Occasionally he is used to carry the drinks to the field and when a batsman needs a change of bat, our Gopumon runs to action. A few years ago, he happened to watch the movie Tamil movie Gajini and fell in love with Surya's hairstyle. Immediately he attempted to have a similar hairstyle. The outcome was horrendous. Reports say that Harbajjan Singh would often get irritated seeing our Gopumon's face that he even slapped him on field. See the picture for yourself. In a team that boasts of the Sachins, Sehwags, Yuvarajs and Dhonis, we also have Gopumon. Even earth has a blackhole.

I certainly would love to watch Sachin scoring his 100th International 100 on the Big finals against the Srilankans. I also would love to watch Sehwag go crazy against Malinga. I would love to see Yuvaraj's towering sixes of Murali and Mendis. It would be a treat to watch Harbajjan's Dhoosra and Nehra's Theesra. I would also love to see Munaf Patel's face with a baby-bottom shave.

Model Poonam Pandey has expressed her desire to bare it all if India wins the world cup. She has decided to do a private show for the Indian cricketers if the men in Blue win the world cup. I hope that Bajji would give her a tight slap so that she doesn't attempt cheap stunts to garner attention in the future. She should be locked inside a room along with Navjot Singh Sidhu and Arnab Gowsami and they should give her a 24 hours non-stop pep talk.

In the mean time, the Srilankan think tank has called in the experienced Chaminda Vaas for the final match against India. Chaminda Vaas who was known for his toe crushing yorkers against Left handers will be an apt opening partner for Malinga. India has 3 mainline left-handers in the batting line-up (Gambhir, Yuvi and Raina). Both the bowlers are really great in the slog overs also. Considering India's poor form in the last batting power play, this is a wonderful move made by the Srilankan selectors. Though Chaminda Vaas has a shorter run up, he still has venom in his deliveries. Its gonna be the best bowling attack vs the best batting line-up.

But we need not worry because we have Rajanikanth in the Line-up. ( A text-message that I got now)

virat “K”ohli,
z kha”N”
m pa”T”el,
r as”H”win

The one reason that makes me sad to even think that India would win the Cricket world cup:-

Sreesanth would also do the victory lap along with the Team if India wins the world cup.

BTW, Poonam Pandey has already kept her promise [link]


Follow Chronicwriter on Twitter for Crazy Cricket Commentary for the #CWC11 finals [link]