Monday, February 22, 2010

394. Are you a wannabe?

Note: This post is not written with an intention to hurt the sentiments of any race/ creed/ religion. If you are an Indian and if it still hurts your sentiment, then the author is definitely talking about you.

Are you a wannabe?

The following are some of the characteristics of a wannabe

  • Do you talk in normal English and your accent automatically changes when a person of the opposite sex approaches you? You are a wannabe

  • Do you wear your baggie trousers so low and reveal your underwear? You are a wannabe (Either wash your underwear or buy a new one)

  • Do you often fold your fingers and show the yo/peace symbol? You are a wannabe

  • Do you often unleash your middle finger and show it to someone to vent your anger? You are a wannabe. (90% of the Indians learn this art in colleges - IBA Report -2002; How ever IBA report -2008 reveals that 90 % of Indians learn it in primary school. India shining indeed)

  • Do you wear your cap in any position other than the normal position? You are a wannabe (Where did you learn it from? You are not a Hippie)

There are various other ways of finding a wannabe. The wannabes are usually born in co-ed colleges in India (Now in schools too)

  • The Typical Muthukumar who enjoys listening to Dappankuthu songs, suddenly starts listening to Rock Music. "In the end"- by linkin park is a song that all wannabes know byheart, even though they wouldn't have a single clue about the meaning of the song. He starts talking about different genres of music too.
  • When he converses with a girl, he usually shows his musical knowledge by talking about a few genres like punk metal, death metal,Trans etc... If you ask him the operational definition of each genre, he would never have any clue about it (Unless he likes all the genres and unless he is a wannabe). There are exceptions too.

  • However a very few guys (NRIs) would be there in every college. They do not fake like the wannabes. The smooth accent in their english is a natural phenomenon that runs in their blood. When they say ,"Yo Dude" or "Ssup Bro", it would sound very natural and they wouldn't take pains to use such words. But the wannabes always try to emulate the NRI guys by depicting some hand gestures ( folding some fingers) while saying "Yo Dude". The hand gestures and the voice modulation never match and they often cut a sorry figure like our very own Appam chappathy @Gopumon[link]

  • Watch this video to have an A/V depiction of wannabes

  • I don't have a clue why the wannabes see normal (Indianised) English as a below the standard way of talking. If British English comes natural to you, I appreciate you. But if it doesn't don't try to talk like Greg Chappel. You would only sound like Latha Mangeshkar talking in a male voice.

  • The guys are not the only culprits here. There are a bunch of girls too who fall under the same category. 90% of the Indian college girls are relatives of Queen Elizabeth. British English flows out of their mouth like honey (Scientists have never discovered the secret behind their English skills). I don't have any problem with their English speaking skills. But most of them try to look cool by using profane language in their speech. If they speak 100 words, the F word would contribute at least 25 of the 100 words. A research conducted in the 90s by WHO revealed that only prostitutes use the F word in their regular conversation. The wannabe guys usually hang out with these girls. If you use the F word, who are you trying to emulate? You can speak clearly and your sentences would be beautiful even without profanity.

  • Coming to the dressing sense of the wannabe girls, I have no problem even if you do not wear anything, but if you wear short skirts, please wax your legs. If you are wearing sleeveless tops, please wax your underarms. If you wanna pierce your belly button, go ahead and do it. It is your belly button and it wont hurt me. If you wanna show your cleavage, go ahead and do it. But do not give dirty stares to guys who ogle at your Breasts. It is understandable if you wanna just stare and intimidate the guy; but if you call him a Bastard for staring at your silicon implants , you are just proving that you are a wannabe.

  • A girl showing her cleavage is her birth right. I am not gonna voice against it and incur the wrath of male readers. But I have seen guys showing their cleavages too. If you have buttons in your shirt, button it up. Unbuttoning the top 4 buttons and revealing your chest doesn't make you look cool for two reasons
  1. You are not a girl and you don't have breasts to enhance your cleavage
  2. Your chest hair is yukky and i would pluck them away.
I have also heard the wannabes using the words "You son of a bitch" to cuss others. How did they ever coin that phrase? and How on earth would that be cussing?

Son of a Bitch

  • Literally a puppy dog is a "a son of a bitch".
  • So "son of a bitch" doesn't even qualify to fall under the vulgar language.
  • So stop using the term out-of-context.
  • Talking about Dogs, they are trend setters.
  • Dog is the only animal which lifts it's leg to pee
  • Chronicwriter taught them the art of lifting their leg to pee.
  • Dogs are trend setters to the art of sex too. Doggy style is a famous sex position.(Chronicwriter did not teach them the doggy style) No one calls it a Tiger style or Lion style.
  • Hence please show your respect to dogs and stop cussing one another.
  • Be yourself. You would look good, if you wear your own mask. But If you still wanna wear somebody else's mask and remain a wannabe, you have every right to do it. I am not asking you to change. Even if you become yourself; India's population rise is not gonna stall, Bal Thakarey is not gonna shut his mouth and Chronicwriter is not gonna stop blogging.


    Sunday, February 21, 2010

    393. Those Lab Experiment Days

    Advice: School children are requested to adopt the examples given in this post in their school to become Out-Standing students and thus become the future leaders of our country.

    School Days

    School Days would be the most memorable phase in every one's life. Most of you would have passed out of school long back. But still when you read this post, you will remember those days for sure.

    The fun all of us had during those days would be still fresh in our memory. The crushes on teachers, First love, class room bench fights, blackboards, stealing chalk pieces, Physical education classes, eating under the tree while crow shits on your lunch box, spraying ink on your classmate's white uniforms, assembly prayer prayer , writing nicknames of teachers on toilet walls,copying in exams, farting in classrooms and acting innocent, threatening your nemesis not to talk with the girl you like, class tours, gangs in classes, slam books, last bench rowdy boys are some of the incidents that float in the top of my mind when I think about my school life.

    But one incident that all of us loved the most would be the three hour class session that happen in labs. The first real exposure to team work begins in these labs. The labs are places where experiments are done. Talking about experiments, I remember a quote by Dave Barry.

    Males have a lot of trouble not looking at breasts. What is worse, males cannot look at breasts and think at the same time. In fact, scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. This was proved in a famous 1978 laboratory experiment wherein a team of leading male psychological researchers at Yale deliberately looked at photographs of breasts every day for two years, at the end of which they concluded that they had failed to take any notes.

    Now I have every one's attention. Anyway I am not gonna write about Breasts. I will reserve a separate post for it. This post is all about Lab-Experiments. I do not know much about the experiments that happen in Biology lab. But I have a pretty good idea about the fun we had in

    • Physics Laboratory
    • Chemistry Labs and
    • Computer Science Labs.

    It is always better to remember the "Ten commandments of Lab Experiments". Every student should be aware of the Ten commandments

    1. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
    2. When you don't know what you're doing, do it with confidence and make it neat.
    3. Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time. (It failed for your seniors and hence it should fail for you. In future it will fail for your juniors also.)
    4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.(You have paid for it. Just break it)
    5. To do a lab really well, have your record report done well in advance.( If you have a girlfriend, it is easy. Researches reveal that girlfriends are reliable record writers)
    6. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question. ( Albert Einstein did that. You can do it too)
    7. Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
    8. Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else. ( A trait that will make you a great boss in the future)
    9. No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.(The apple that fell on Newton's head. It should have been a coconut)
    10. Multimeters, Magnets and lenses are devices that can be flicked.

    Physics Lab

    This is the same place where the dirty dream "I will become an engineer/scientist" is planted on the brain cells of innocent students. The whole class is divided into groups and each group will have 5 students at least .One of them will be a hard worker and the remaining 4 would hardly do any experiments.

    • The bread board was introduced to me in a physics lab. The physical balance was one experiment no one has any clue about. But it was fun to play with weights of different dimensions. Then there was another experiment with prisms. This experiment happens in a dark room inside the physics laboratory.Again no clue why the experiment is done. The girls always do the experiment and the boys always fool around ogling at the girls. There are exceptional errors in boys too.
    • Any experiment which involves magnets are always full of fun. I remember an experiment in which magnetic field of a bar magnet has to be determined using a compass. The girls rack their brains to arrive at the right measurements. But this is when we fun lovers go near them with other magnets in our shirt pockets. The magnetic field experiments have always been a disaster.
    • Then there was this experiment which involve playing with electricity. We insert both the ends of a wire into the plug socket and switch it on and due to short circuit the power goes off. The usual interrogation starts and the whole class pays the fine.
    • Playing with magnifying lens is fun too. Focus the light beam as a small dot on a girl's hand. She will feel the pain and this is the moment the boys rush to give her a helping hand. Yes someone gets lucky to touch her hand too. That someone will become the hero of the day among the boys. I have touched a few hands too.
    • There are lab supervisors (Lab ASSistant teachers) who always spy on us. It is easy to cheat them. They are on constant rounds to check if we were doing our experiments properly. They would just check our data sheet. So we used to populate of data sheet with lot of data. For some experiments plotting a graph is necessary. When you do not know the exact data, it is always easy to first draw the curve and then plot the data on the curve.
    "Physics lab is not a place to do any sort of physical experiments"

    Chemistry Lab

    The Chemistry lab is the only place in the entire school where Girls would look very pretty in the eyes of Boys. Chemistry lab is again the only place where one can fart freely and not get caught at the same time. Just smell Ammonium Sulphate and you would agree with me.

    • The glass beakers with the Label "Ethanol, Methanol" are teasers for the boys. The chemistry lab gives all weird ideas about alcohol. The lab is full of dangerous chemicals and when crazy teenagers occupy it, it sure brings out wacky results.

    • Phenolphthalein solution and titration experiments are fun. It is a different way of playing with colors. Sometime when the lab in-charge is not present, the festival of Holi is celebrated with great joy and laughter.

    • Mixing mercury with Sodium Nitrate and concentrated sulphuric acid produces an effect which is indescribable. I have not tried it during my school days. I request the present school kids to try it at their own risk.

    • Be very careful about any container that is labelled as "Concentrated _______ Acid". For evil pleasure sake, just empty the contents of the container in the sink and fill them all with water. Then strike a challenge with your friends saying that you can drink Concentrated Acid. You will instantly become the Hero of the class when you accomplish the task.

    • You can also steal some costly salts from the chemistry lab. It gives you sadistic pleasure. But do not steal sodium chloride salt from the lab. It is nothing but the cooking salt that you can find in the kitchen at your home. You can also smuggle cooking powders like "chilly, coriander, turmeric" to the lab and mix them with the salts in the lab.

    What ever you do, maintain a very good rapport with lab assistants. They help you during practical exams.

    Computer Labs

    Computers... Computers... Computers... When I took computer science as my specialisation subject in school, Computers were just making inroads into the education system. I wanted to become an IT geek. I have ended up as an Blogging creep.

    • "Basic" programming language was the most happening programming language then. If one could remember the DOS prompts by-heart, then he was treated as a computer genius.

    • The first thing that comes into my mind is playing games in the computer lab. Dave,Maria, Prince of Persia and skyroads were the major games during those days. If you know the cheat codes, you are a computer genius.

    (Chronicwriter is the guy in Blue T-shirt. This picture was taken during his MBA days in the computer lab)

    • The Internet porn was also making inroads. The corner computer in the computer lab are always used to view Internet porn. The lab assistants also joins in for company. When girls are around, the boys seldom use the corner computer. Any boy using the corner computer, automatically became the bad boy among the girls.

    • Switching off the computer when someone types a long program gives you the kick. Also unplugging the keyboard and mouse wires from the socket would make the user go bonkers for sometime. I don't know much about the computer labs of the present generation students.

    You can share your lab memories in the comment section.


    Saturday, February 20, 2010

    392. My name is Facebook

    My name is khan is the biggest hit in recent times;thanks to Shiv Sena and IPL3. I never thought that non-selection of Pakistani players for IPL-3 had such an impact to MNIK's success. But believe me,Khan is back on track and is making amends for his lost glory due to IPL2.

    Love him or hate him, you just can't ignore him. He makes news everyday. "If he is not in the news even for a single day, we should blame it on the swine flu-Jhunjhunwala". My name is khan became a trending topic on twitter and everybody started to hashtag(#) "Mynameis" with their own creative sentences. The following ten tweets are in the top of my mind. If you are a tweeter, you would have seen some of these tweets.

    1) Mynameis hashim amla and my beard is longer than my bat

    2) Mynameis Rakhi and i am Virgin.

    3) Mynameis Muthalik and i hate pink chaddis.

    4) Mynameis Ballstalkray. My Nemesis is Khan

    5) Mynameis iPad. I am not a tampon.

    6)Mynameis Saniamirza and i specialise in first round exits

    7) Mynameis Tiger and I wish Tiger Woods was one amongst us! Our population would not have gone down to 1411

    8) Mynameis Obama. Yes we khan

    9) Mynameis Chetan Bhagat and I block

    10) Mynameis Chronicwriter. superman stole my red underwear.

    Last week,Twitter's supremacy was challenged by Google, when Google unleashed its weapon Googlebuzz. But as Googlebuzz is a crosspollination of twitter,facebook and friendster, it lost its charm within minutes of getting launched. Hope Google comes up with some creative online products in the future.
    How ever Google timed the launch of googlebuzz at the right time because googlebuzz was launched the same time when the creators of Facebook were all sloshed together. Facebook went through a change last week and it was not well received by its users. Google tried to tap this opportunity, but they too made a mockery of the precious chance they had in their hand.
    The change that facebook adopted is similar to a man trading his good underwear for a torn, stinky underwear. Some of the changes that Facebook has gone through are listed below.

    1) The main lesson that the creators Facebook should learn is "Never ever allow a trainee software engineer to play with dreamweaver macromedia." Some results can never be rectified. I request Mark Elliot Zuckerberg to give pink slips to the whole team which was involved in the facebook theme change idea.

    2) Where is my log out icon? Logging out was so easy in the past.All I had to do was just click the log out icon. Now I have to click the "Account" Tab which would then drop down and show a list of tabs and logout is at the bottom of the list. Is this what user friendliness is all about? or Is this a method to keep children messing with your facebook profile? or Am I being forced to stay in facebook for some more time? I'd rather "close the whole screen"

    3) If your friend list consists of people you know in real life, you are not going to face the problem stated in this point. But if 80% of the friends in your list are online mates, then you would hate the new "Friends Tab". In the old facebook layout, a very useful icon" recently added friends" would help me to constantly have a grip of the friends I add everyday. But now the sorting is available only in alphabetical order. I am strongly irritated with the facebook creators for removing that tab

    4) Where is the "dislike" button?

    5) Why have you hidden my notes and my links under a collapsible tab with a title "More". Notes and links might have been irrelevant for the trainee designer who worked on the new layout. He should have asked some elders before using his "mundhirikottai" brain.

    6) One thing i can never understand is the brilliance behind having two chat lists - one on the left side bar and one on the bottom toolbar. To make things worse, facebook is still using AJAX chat functionality. It HANGS.

    Facebook has the worst archiving facility ever. I can go on cribbing like this for ever. But still I am not gonna quit facebook.
    I thank my friend Andrea for some great inputs.
    • Join me on Facebook [link] for discussions on science, religion and sex.
    • Join me on twitter [link] for funny updates.

    Thursday, February 11, 2010

    391.Chrony Ka Swayamvar

    Note: All the human beings appearing in this post are my blog mates and any level of persecution dealt to them is done with an intention to promote world peace. Names of the bloggers have been changed to protect my self Esteem,Santro and Mercedes Benz.
    Rakhi did it first and then Rahul Mahajan followed suit. Now it is chronicwriter's turn to have his own Swayamvar. I welcome everyone to have a good time reading "Chrony ka Swayamvar".
    Chronicwriter never had any idea to have his own swayamvar. But when his blog-mate, Mandira attempted to shy away from answering a brilliant question posed by "one of the zillion applications available on FB", he became sad. Click the picture to read the brilliant question and her warped answer.

    The sadness engulfed Chrony's entire body and it even dragged him to a sports bar to immerse his sadness in alcochol. When he was about to pitch in his first drink, he noticed a familiar face in the bar. It was his friend Pritish Nandy.
    Pritish was leaning against the wall. He had lost all his hair. "Is he married", I thought to myself. He was already sloshed. He had a photograph of a girl in his hand and everytime he looked at the photo, he cried. I realised that he was in deep depair too and hence I decided to console him.

    Chrony : Hi Pritish. Why so sad bro?
    Pritish : Love failure machaaan
    Chrony : What happened bro?
    Pritish : I fell in love with her and i thought she loved me
    Chrony: Did she ditch you?
    Pritish : I don't know
    Chrony : Then why are you sad?
    Pritish : She stole my bullet bike
    Chrony : What? A girl stole your bullet bike?
    Pritish : Yes. It has been a week and she hasn't come back yet.
    Chrony : What's her name bro?
    Pritish : Eve
    Chrony : Oh My Goodness. Do you have her photo?
    Pritish : Yes! I took a picture just before she escaped with my bike. Here it is.

    When I looked at the picture, I started to cry too. It was the same girl who stole my Yezdi bike. The same Eve. If you haven't read my love story with Eve, Click here [link].

    So I wasn't the only one to be ditched by her. I couldnot imagine the number of bikes guys would have lost in recent times. I promised Pritish that I would take revenge on the female community and until I fulfilled that promise I would never wear my red underwear.

    I devised a plan to take revenge on the female community. It was a simple three step process

    1) Conduct Chrony ka swayamvar and select a girl.

    2) Conduct the three important scenes from the movie Titanic

    • The painting scene [link]
    • The car scene[link]
    • Standing like this [link]
    3) Push her into the sea and close her chapter.
    I Published an ad in the newspaper regarding "Chrony ka swayamvar" and the response was awesome. I screened through the entire list and selected four girls for the final round of "Chrony Ka Swayamvar". The four girls were Ambujam maami, Ciley Myrus, Kiss-me-tha Sen and Sweety Zinta. I interviewed them one by one.
    Ambujam Maami
    Ambujam Maami looked very homely. A great match for a homely guy like me. She was in the Indian traditional attire -Saree. It was a red saree. It was her way of winning my heart. She would have known that I like the color red. The song "Lady in red" started playing in my head. Our conversation started well...
    Chrony: "You look great in that red saree"
    Ambujam Maami: "Oh. Thank you very much"
    Chrony: "What is your educational qualification?"
    Ambujam Maami: " I am an Em-Be-Ae"
    Chrony: "Wow! That's great. I am one too"
    Ambujam Maami: "That's good. Do you play fishville on Facebook?"
    Chrony: "I hate that game. I love eating fish anyways
    Ambujam Maami: But I am a vegetarian
    Chrony : What? You do not eat meat?
    Ambujam Maami : Yes and if you force me to eat, i am opting out of this swayamvar.
    She walked out of the room and it was a sad moment in my life. After five minutes, the next girl walked in
    Ciley Myrus
    Ciley bowled me over with her head band and her looks. I was immediately in love. She walked in with an attitude with her left hand inside her jerkin pocket and that floored me(literally). She came near me and sprinkled water on my face and that brought me back to my senses. Our eyes met and i winked. She turned away ( Was she blushing?).
    Chrony : Nice to meet you.
    Ciley Myrus: Nice to meet you too
    Chrony : You look so young, cute and bubbly.
    Ciley Myrus : Thank you. You look young, short and lean too.
    Chrony: Thank you. I am glad because you called me Young.
    Ciley Myrus : hehehe
    Chrony: You have a cute smile too ( I knew I was flattering her too much. But It was my swayamvar and I had every right to do so)
    Ciley Myrus: You are praising me too much
    Chrony : You deserve it. I know it is wrong to ask a man, his salary; a woman, her age and a school boy,his marks.But still how old are you?
    Ciley Myrus : I am 15 years old.
    Chrony : You are so young. I am 27 years old.
    Ciley : What? I don't date uncles. I am off
    She left too. It was another sad moment of my life.
    Kissmetha Sen
    Then Kissmetha Sen walked inside the room and straight away she went near a brick wall and started posing like this. She was fair, tall and beautiful - The perfect combination that would make her every boy's dream girl.
    Chrony : Why are you sticking to the wall like a lizard? Come here and have your seat
    Kissmetha : No! I love posing. How is this pose?
    Chrony : It is a wonderful pose indeed. You are tall too
    Kissmetha : Yes. I am 5 feet 10 inches tall
    Chrony : That makes you 5 inches taller than me
    Kissmetha : You are just 5 ' 5"?
    Chrony : No I am 5' 45". But I round it off to the nearest integer.
    Kissmetha : But I will date a guy who is at least 6 feet tall
    Chrony : I can stand on top of this table throughout my life then.
    Kissmetha : You never told me about this. I am leaving
    She left too. It was yet another sad moment in my life. The last contestant made her way inside the room.
    Sweety Zinta
    The moment she walked in, I knew that she was the one. She was wearing white tops; that indicated that her heart was pure. She had a great nose and the best lips I have ever seen in my life. I fell for her. She came and sat down and tilted her head towards her left shoulder and my heart was no more with me.
    Chrony: Hi Rasagulla
    Sweety : Hi Jalebo
    Chrony : This is a good start. No more questions. I think I am in love
    Sweety : I think i am in love too. Why would I apply for this swayavar if I did not like you?
    Chrony : Senorita. You are my Darling Princess Diana!
    Sweety : You are my Charming Prince Charles.
    My first step was over. I have selected a girl at last.

    Now I decided to complete the second step (The three Titanic scenes). I took sweety to my room to perform the great painting scene. Things were getting hot inside the room. The three pillows in my room had never seen such a scene before. I started humming a romantic song and the painting started. It was indeed a romantic play with the paint and the brush. If you are curious to see the sensual painting potrait, click here [link].

    After the painting scene was over, I decided to take Sweety to the car. I led her to the parking lot. Sweety got into the back seat. I walked around the car to get into the back seat through the other door. But before I could open the door, somebody started the ignition of the car and accelerated it out of my house.Some body was in the front seat of the car.
    I never knew that Eve drove cars too.


    Wednesday, February 10, 2010

    390. Fun with farting

    Note: This blog will really stink very bad. Hold your breath till you finish reading this post.
    When we were babies, we all farted to glory sans any care about the world around us. But when we grew bigger, the elders spoiled us by telling us that farting is a dirty activity. We were taught to lie. Those elders were masters in the art of silent farting then. We too gradually mastered the art of silently letting out a fart. Believe me! Silent farts have a killer effect.

    Farting is not a sin. But still no one would own responsibility of a fart. Farting is just a means of communication through sound and smell. Talking is a means of communication in which only sound energy travels out of the mouth of the person who talks unless he/she has a foul mouth like Arnab Gowsami.

    Hence Farting becomes an effective communication technique which brings out different emotions like anger, guilt, smile, laugh, denial, lying, shame and many more. No other forms of communication can invoke such diverse emotional reflexes.

    But what language is farting? Does it have any script? Questions are many. English is spoken in 115 countries. Apparently people in all these 115 countries indulge in farting. Hence Farting can be called as a common attribute of English speaking people. However,on country-wise clustering, we find that the biggest farting population of the globe are Chinese. India comes in a close second.

    Women are more efficient in the art of silent farts than men. Hence the male community are the victims of passive farting and also labelled as guilty offenders of active farting. I have given enough boring gyaan on farts. I am now gonna write some ways through which we can use our farts for entertainment purpose.

    When you have no one to socialise with, When you are cut-off from Internet connectivity, When you are all alone, When you are completely bored and if your girlfriend has eloped with her boyfriend,you would feel really sad indeed.

    If you are in such a situation, I would like to suggest a wonderful activity that would rejuvenate you and give you more happiness that you would have never had in your entire life. Yes I am gonna talk about having fun through farting. The following are few methods that you can try at home.

    1) The Ussain bolt fart
    If you are sitting in your bed room, all you have to do is let out a fart. It doesn't matter if that was a loud fart or a silent one. The secret behind this game is as soon as you let out a fart, you have to start running and you have to find whether you can beat your own fart till you leave your house.

    You might ask,"How would I Know who won?". The answer is simple. If you can smell your own fart while running, then the fart has beaten you. But if you can still beat your fart, then you are an absolute winner. You can even time your running speed and you can aim to beat your own record. I assure you that this would be great fun indeed.

    The author has never been able to beat his own fart. But if you can beat your own fart-speed, please let me know and also share the techniques you adopted, that helped you to beat your own fart.
    The best place to play this game is your bath-tub. If you do not have a bath tub at your home, do not fret. You can even play this game if you have a bucket and if you can squeeze yourself inside the bucket.

    Pour water inside the bath-tub/bucket and sit inside the bathtub. Now let out a well controlled fart. Bubbles will form on the surface of water. Count the number of bubbles per fart. A controlled fart will yield more number of bubbles. The author has counted till 23 bubbles and he is planning to break his record soon.

    How ever if you are having dysentery, please don't play this game. The results will be very bad.


    Fart can produce music too. Practise it regularly and start singing songs with your fart accompaniment. Creating music through farts is an art by itself (The 65th art form).
    Parting words: These games can be played when you are alone. How ever there are many more farting games that you can play in groups.

    Related topic : Letting it go [ An inspirational research on farting by Chronicwriter]

    Tuesday, February 09, 2010

    389. what is a condom?

    Disclaimer: Any resemblance to any politician may or may not be intentional. Still if you think that I have crossed my lines in this post, I would like to warn everyone that I am a close associate of Balls-Talk-Ray.

    The following three politicians are like the three lions in the Ashoka Chakra. The Ashoka Chakra is the National Emblem of our country.

    1. Man Mayhem Sing - Programmed Robot, remotely controlled by an Italian lady.

    2. Navy Joot Sing Seedu - A loud speaker who was born on Amavaasai (No moon/New moon night).

    3. Laddu Pressed Vaday - Entertainer of the century.

    Some of you might act smart and say that the National emblem has four lions. You should remember that the fourth lion is always hidden. If you haven't seen the fourth lion yet, please take a look at the picture below.

    This mammal in the blue shirt is the fourth lion that hides behind the other three lions. Let us call him V.J. Kunt . He is not blind. He has eye infection and hence he wears shades. He is an engounder (encounter) specialisd (specialist). He soots (shoots) Bagisdan (Pakistan) Derrorisds (Terrorists) at will. That is why he is always hiding behind the other three lions.
    He is very brainy and he doesn't even leave a bitch (Female dog). In this picture, he is threatening a bitch with a dummy gun. The bitch is caught in a frozen state. V.J.Kunt used this precious opportunity to measure the vital statistical information of the bitch. The bitch was later found dead near Anna Salai in Chennai. Forensic reports reveal that the bitch had been raped by a Gorilla before it was brutally murdered.

    When V.J. Kunt learns from his car driver that Balls Talk Ray and Show Rock Kaun are making news everyday,he decides to do something that would make him famous too. So he immediately calls for an emergency meeting with the other three lions of the country. So the four lions meet together for a small brainstorming session with the sole aim of regaining their lost popularity.
    V.J.Kunt (VJ): Good Eebning Ladis and Gendelman.
    Laddu Pressed Vaday (Laddu): Arey! We all only genital men. No ladies here
    V.J: zorry. Good Eebning gendleman
    Navy Joot Sing Seedu (Seedu) : The necessity of the usage of the pluraility of the word in English language makes it essential for leading politicians like us to use the correct terminologies in a conversation. Uniquely and Individually, I am a gentleman. But when we are more than one we are not gentleman; we become Gentle Men. I take this opportunity to correct the error in V.J.'s statement
    V.J: Whad did you Zay? I didint UndarZtand!
    Laddu: He ish sshays , your englis very bad.
    V.J : Oh. Bud (But) Thiz iz an emercenzy meeding. We Zud Dizcuz about Pobularidy.
    Seedu : That sounded more like Puberty. I am in a rutt now, sitting with uncivilised, uneducated, illiterate scums of this soil. MayhemSing, why dont you speak up?
    Laddu : He musht be waiting fhor Sania Ji's permisan to talk.
    Seedu : Sania Mirza is the darling of the masses and her dressing sense is as sweet as a sugarcane melting through the thighbone of Carmen Electra.
    V.J: Laddu waz not zaying about the tenniz blayer. He waz menzioning aboud dhe Idalian Lady
    Man Mayhem Sing (Man) : Sania ji has given me the permission to speak. Good morning everybody.
    Laddu: Sania, very gud Figure hai.
    Man : What about Rabree?
    Laddu : Rabree , very bad shape hai.
    Seedu : With a bad shaped figure, if you can produce hundreds of children,What would happen if you get a good figure? William Burton once said, "Never raise a hand to your children - it leaves your groin unprotected" So please use condom to avoid children.
    Man: But what connection does that statement have? I haven't seen you making any sense with your talk. Can we come to the topic for the day.
    V.J : Terrorisds endered India and Gilled Many beople in Mumbai.
    Man: That's an Old news.
    Laddu: Sall we see a picture? (Movie)
    Seedu: I watch movies taken in Hollywood. Shakespeare once said that an excited cow give milkshakes...
    #Thud# ( A loud noice. V.J.Kunt hits Seedu's head with a log and he goes bonkers. He then drags him out of the room. Laddu uses this opportunity to ask a secret question to Man-May-Hem Sing)
    Laddu: What is a condom?
    Man: Even if i explain to you about a condom, it is too late. You have already done enough damage to the country.
    Laddu: Give me a cloo (clue) ji. Is it a fruit?
    Man: It is not a fruit. It is a contraceptive
    Laddu: What is a contraceptive?
    Man: If only your parents had used it, I wouldn't have to answer all these questions from you.
    Laddu: No one tell me anything. I learn myself. Bharath Mata ki jai. OK. Dont tell this to VJ.Kunt.
    Meanwhile V.J.Kunt disposes Seedu's conked body in a dustbin and comes back to the room.
    V.J.Kunt : Mizan Agamplizd (Mission accomplished)
    Laddu : V.J.Kunt. Do you really romanje wij your heroines?
    V.J.Kunt : Agdually, They Lyg me and the ladis always Love me.
    Man: Can we talk something fruitful?
    Laddu : Fruits? I Remembar about condoms now. Hey condom Kya hotha Hai?
    V.J: Dont talk bad wards. I will zoot (Shoot) you.
    Man: Don't get angry VJji. He spoke in Hindi. It is not a bad word.
    V.J.: O.K. Then I will not Zoot him
    Laddu: But, What is a condom?
    Are you like Laddu too? Don't know what a condom is? Check this video. Most of you would have seen it. But if you have not seen it yet, it is time that you saw this one.

    Thursday, February 04, 2010

    388. Save the Tiger in the woods

    Warning: Adult/Mature content inside. If you still want to read this post, go ahead.
    Trivia : Tiger is one among the very few species that Chronicwriter has not eaten in his life.

    "Save the Tiger" that roams freely in the woods, not the one hiding in his house. Tiger is the national animal of India ( I learnt it in school). If we do not save Tigers, our country might have to nominate some other animal for the national animal post. Three animals has the opportunity to take the role of the national animal of India.

    1. Male Dogs (Because they are unique. They are the only species on earth which lifts one of its legs to pee)

    2. Monkeys ( They resemble the chronicwriter. They are also available in plenty)

    3. Balls Talk Ray ( Ultimately unique. Only one species available in one generation. Extinction rate is nil)

    Male dogs and Monkeys can be domesticated. How ever scientists are still performing tests in the laboratory to find a solution to tame Balls Talk Ray. Hence Balls has a great opportunity to become the next national animal of India.

    Apparently Balls Talk ray got its name because it is the only animal that can speak. We all know that parrots can speak. Parrot is a bird and it repeats what ever we say, even if it is crap. Balls Talk Ray is more special than the parrot. It doesn't repeat someone else's crap statement. It has the capacity in itself to talk crap all the time. Hence it is the only species in the world which can produce crap from both ends.

    An example of Balls Talk Ray's Crap talk abilities

    Recently Balls Talk Ray was watching a cricket match between India and Sri Lanka. Sachin Tendulkar was batting and Ravi Shastri was the commentator. Sachin has the habit of adjusting his groin guard before he takes his stance and while he was performing the adjustment act, Ravi Shastri said, " Sachin Tendulkar,the MasterBatsman is batting like a true champion".

    Balls Talk Ray got agitated because he interpreted the action as "Sachin Tendulkar is Masturbating". The agitation led to some crap talk by him.

    I already warned everyone that this post will have some mature content. So don't make that clown face, as if you are reading crap stuff for the first time in your life.

    If you think that this post has no mature content yet, I would like to give one condition now. All those who accept that they have masturbated in their life can read further; others need not read further,but remember to leave a comment to prove your purity stance.

    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    This dotted line above, separates the impure ones from the pure ones. So I would love to extend my sincere appreciation to all those impure men and women who have come this far to show your love for me.

    With so much of love and appreciation, my blog recently got a hickey (Love bite). I sincerely believe that it was given by a female reader of this page.

    Recently Shahid Afridi gave a love bite to the cricket ball. I am shocked to hear that he has been banned for two matches for showing his love to the cricket ball. The ICC has failed to understand the real meaning of ball tampering. The real meaning of ball tampering is depicted in the picture below.

    Dinesh Karthik (Hiding behind Sreesanth) is caught tampering Sreesanth's ball. If this kind of tampering can be allowed in a cricket match, Afridi biting the ball should be allowed. After all it was just a love bite.
    Click this [link] to read another adult content written by chronicwriter.

    p.s -1 : Chronicwriter is working on a mega-post which will feature a few of his blog mates. The mega-post will hit this blog very soon.
    p.s -2 : A special post on how to draw more readers to your blog will also hit this blog soon.

    Wednesday, February 03, 2010

    387. The Three IDIOTS

    Note : This post has no relation to the movie by Rajkumar Hirani

    Additional Note : All characters (alphabets, decimals,integers,alpha-numerals) appearing in this post are real.
    Substractional Note : Chronicwriter (The author of this blog) was not intoxicated while typing this post
    Multiplicational Note : Practise Safe Sex to avoid Veterinary Diseases
    Divisional Note : I am not ShahRukh Khan and neither am I Bal Thackarey; and hence this post is not responsible for the stained relationships between India and Pakistan

    Without any more ado, let me get to the point. Chronicwriter has finally decided to dive into the film world. The moment I made this decision, Hollywood, Bollywood and Kollywood tried to woo me into their territory. Any Tom, Shane or Harry would have fallen into the trap laid by the HBKs. But Chronicwriter decided to start his own group called the Chronicwood. Chronicwood is made from the finest plywoods of the world.

    Chronicwood Movies in association with 20th century Dog presents

    " The 3 IdIotS".

    Cast: (Not to be confused with Caste)

    Osama Ben Lord as The Pak- Santa
    Raj Doctorate as God Father (Uncle-ji)
    Balls Doctorate as God Son (Son-ji)

    Music :

    BeeR RugMan

    The story:

    Osama Ben Lord is a Owner of a Gift Shop. His employees go to different parts of the world to share gifts. Few of them once fly to United States of America to share gifts, but unfortunately, the twin towers stand in their way.
    Later Osama Ben Lord decides to send some santaclauses to India and hence the santaclauses come to India to deliver gifts to people of all ages in Mumbai. They Enter Hotel Taj and deliver gifts to random people inside the Taj.

    Raj Doctorate and Balls Doctorate are two Local Baddies (Dogs chasing car types) who strive very hard for the upliftment of people in Mumbai. When they discover that Osama's friends have entered Mumbai, they get shivers down their spines which officially end up as a fart through their respective rear drainages. What happens after that forms the plot of the movie.

    Some conversations from the movie.

    "Uncle-ji, i have an itching sensation there? "
    " Change your underwear once a week at least"

    "Uncle-ji, I am in love"
    "Is she a homely girl"
    "It is not a She. It is a He"
    "Oh shucks! That means I am not gonna bite the cake"

    " Should we call Kiran Bedi to Investigate on this case?"
    " I would prefer Pooja Bedi or Mandira Bedi solve this case"
    " Wow! What an Idea Son-ji"

    "Is Chronicwriter making a fool of us by casting us in the lead roles?"
    "It doesn't matter. Everyone knows that he is a fool like us too."

    "Son-ji,What is this facebook, twitter?"
    "I don't know uncle-ji"
    "Then we should eradicate it from our homeland"
    "Bharat Maatha Ki Jai"

    " Sachin Tendulkar is more popular than us in Mumbai"
    " How can that be? Suggest something that would bring his popularity down"
    (Immediately Raj and Balls watch some of Tendulkar's brilliant shots on TV)
    "Uncle-ji! See that guy is always touching and adjusting his private part before facing every ball" "That is obscenity. How can the ladies watch such vulgarity on TV?"
    "Yes, We should ban him from batting"

    A conversation over the phone
    Osama : I have an offer you can't resist
    Balls Doctorate: Sakhi Rawant?
    Osama : Now! That's a turn off. Put the phone down and go to hell

    " Our country has very few tigers left. Should we join the 'Save the Tiger' Project"
    " But people are calling Saurav Ganguly as the Bengal Tiger. If they call him Maharashtra Tiger, we can do something about it"
    " Then should we support the Tiger which is hiding in the woods?"
    " Yes we should. If not us, who will?"

    Osama starts attending Night classes and he finds out that Raj (Uncle-ji) is uneducated and hence decides to snub Raj with his knowledge
    Osama: Do you know Larry Page and Sergei Brin?
    Raj : I dont know
    Osama : They are the founders of Google. You would have known this if you attend night classes
    The next day, Osama again starts a conversation with Raj
    Osama: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
    Raj: No
    Osama: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
    Raj gets furious and throws back a question at Osama
    Raj : Do you know who Show Ruk Kaun is ?
    Osama : No
    Raj : He is the guy who has a sexy time with your wife. If you stop night classes you would know.
    PS: If you find this post to be offensive, just remember that it is time to give your dog a bath.