Thursday, November 26, 2009

375. from the bottom of my heart

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying a second hand furniture -Jackson Brown Junior

In India, the average Joe marries at the age of 26. I am already one year late. Am I a second hand furniture? That was a shocker of a news for me. Half of the bachelors in India would be sad to read this quote. I was sad too. In fact, i cried a little too.

Second hand... Second hand... Second hand.. These words echoed in my mind. My alter-ego added fuel to the fire with his hard hitting words;

" Chriz! What have you achieved all these years?"

" You are fit for nothing"

" Even Rakhi Sawant finds her way into the news. Why can't you create some news?"
" You neither have a girlfriend, nor fame and fortune"
All these insulting words egged me on to create some news. But What can a single, 27 year old bachelor do to create news? ( Don't tell me that Mahendra Singh Dhoni is a single 27 year old bachelor too). I cannot do an item number like Mallika Sherawat. All I can do is stand inside water and show my bare back like this.

How many of you, out there tilted your heads to your left to have a better view of Chronicwriter's back? Curiosity; sure kills the cat! Ain't it? I am not going to try the easy way of becoming famous by verbally attacking Sachin Tendulkar. I am not emotionally impotent like the Tal Backerey's of the Arabian sea. The only weapon that i have with me is my humor page.Without a reader a like you, i would not have come all this way. When I started this blog, one of my inspiration was " Jammy". He was voted as the second most humorous blogger in India by indibloggies in 2006. I had a dream then -" To become one of the most humorous bloggers in India".
Now i have an opportunity to become the best in the business. The indibloggies jury has selected my blog in the final -list for the most humorous blog category. It is indeed a great honour to be pitted along some of the Big-humor-guns of the country. So if i have touched your heart/tickled your funny bone with my humor, you can vote for me. Click this [link] to vote for me. My Blog is in the 5th category " Most humorous indiblog category" . Blog name is "Chronicwriter". When you vote, use your email id to vote. You will get a confirmation mail to your email id. Just confirm it. It is as simple as this.
Winning this coveted award is entirely dependant on your mouse clicks. You can show love and affection for me by voting from different e-mail ids too . I remember when i was a kid, i used to tell my classmates that i had voted in the elections. Making them believe me was so simple. All i had to do was apply a black mark on my middle finger using my black Reynolds pen. Those were the days.
On this day, I would like to thank everyone who has travelled along with me in my blogging journey including the guy who came here looking for "Namitha - sexy thighs in bed" and vowed never to ever come back to this blog again. This journey was tough. My only weapon was humor. Initially, my only effort was to pull in as many comments as possible. If 10 readers comment on my page, I would individually reply to all the 10 comments and hence i would have a total of 20 comments on my page. I had to struggle to get comments on my page in the earlier days.
If i had been a girl or at least pretended to be one, i would have had million hits in the very first year. I was amazed by their ability to pull in almost 100 comments for a " I am crying today" blog post, that includes 7o "Don't worry" comments and other suggestions that include " call me", " I am there for you", " Love you " ,"awww", "Hugs". I never had a clue to rake in comments like that during my early blogging days. But as time went by, i started receiving a good number comments too which included constructive criticism as well as anonymous bashings. Soon I realised that raking in comments does not really matter. What really matters is -How you make the readers feel? and What you provide for your readers?. It took me a long time to understand this simple truth.
My blogger friends helped me a lot to increase my blog traffic. Facebook and twitter also played a great role. I should also thank Google for directing many readers to my blog even for search words like " Jessica Alba Nibbles " , " Paris Hilton red underwear", "Pamela anderson silicon implants". I would like to say sorry to all such guys whose hopes were shattered after realising that this ain't a porn page.I also thank all those lovely souls who constantly send me mails encouraging me for all my posts. I also thank all the wonderful people who have blogrolled me, bookmarked my page and receive my blog posts through emails.
Special mention to Rakesh for forwarding some of my humor posts through e-mails. I got one of my own posts as a forwarded e-mail too. I was so happy. But when I saw that my name was replaced by your name, i was angry for sometime. But my anger was short lived when i got the mail from you mentioning that your girlfriend liked that mail so much and that is the reason for you doing such an act (Hope your girlfriend is not reading this post of mine) . If she is Hot, let her read this post; If not, you can keep her.
So What if i am a second hand furniture? I have my blog and that makes me happy.

Don't forget to vote for -Chronicwriter

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

374. why did archimedes run naked?

The Archimedes Principle - ( The lie that is taught in schools)

Archimedes took to the streets naked, so excited by his discovery that he had forgotten to dress, crying "Eureka!"

Archimedes Principle ( The truth - decoded by Chronicwriter

Archimedes was in love with an Indian aunty and her name was Rekha. While he was taking bath, he saw Rekha along with another guy through the window. Archimedes got angry and jumped out the bathtub and ran into the streets shouting " You Rekha! You Rekha!; You ditched me". You Rekha was wrongly interpreted as Eureka and the rest of the story is wrongly taught in schools.

Why am I writing this now?

When I was in Kindergarten, I proposed Renu ( My first girlfriend) for the first time. She said in a stern voice ,"Chriz! I will fall in love with you if you get first rank in class". I never got first rank in my entire school life and my true ISO certified love was never accepted by Renu. But on the final day of school, she came to me and said, " Chriz! I will accept your love if you become a famous personality in India". But Renu did not keep her word. She got married to a tall, dark and handsome guy ( I am short,fair and not so handsome) and is now the mother of two kids.

One year ago, when my blog made some news in the international scene, I called Renu over the phone and this is how our conversation went

Ring Ring.. Ring Ring

Renu : Hello!
Me: Hello Renu ( In my best husky voice)
She immediately understood that it was me
Renu : Hey Chriz! Long time. How are you?
Me: Yes. I am fine. How are you?
Renu : I am fine. My two kids are keeping me busy
Me: Thats sweet. I always think about our school days.
Renu: Yes. We had a great school life
Me: Do you still think of me?
Renu : I am now married and i have two kids
Me: But you promised me that you will reciprocate my love if i become famous in India
Renu: Yes. I did. But you never did anything worthwhile
Me: But you know my blog is the second most humorous blog in the world.
Renu: Don't Lie.
Me: I am serious.
Renu: Was the rating done by INDIBLOGGIES ?
Me: No. It was not a rating by indibloggies
Renu : Then. Please do not even mention about it to me.
Me: But Renu...
Me: OK. Renu. If I am selected as the best blogger by indibloggies, I will surely call you.

BANG. The line went dead

Two days back, I was applying lux soap on my arm pit when my friend called me on the phone and said, " Chrony! You are pitted against the Biggest humorists in the country. Check the indibloggies final list". I immediately checked the indibloggies list to see my blog selected in the final 12 of the best humor blogs in the country.Now the voting phase has started. All you have to do is click this "Vote for me picture" and then vote for me.

Vote for Chronicwriter.My blog is in the "Most humorous indiblog category". It is the 5th category. If i win this award, I promise to
  • Construct roads in all the rural places of India
  • Ban professors from entering colleges ( This line is used to garner student votes)
  • Make threat-calls to all the bad bosses in IT firms ( More votes from IT employees)
  • find girl friends for all desperate bachelors
  • find handsome hunks with six packs for all the love thirsty-girls.
This voting is open for even children below 18 years of age. My nephew (5) and my niece (2) are also voting for me.

Winning this award will also enable Renu to fall in love with me. If that happens, Renu's husband will run into the streets shouting, " You Renu! You Renu! You ditched me". That will make him famous like Archimedes.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

373. Saree -"The pride of India"

Sari or saree is a female garment in the Indian Subcontinent. A sari is a strip of unstitched cloth, ranging from four to nine metres in length that is draped over the body in various styles. The most common style is for the sari to be wrapped around the waist, with one end then draped over the shoulder baring the midriff.

Sari usually exists along with a skirt and a Blouse. The sari is usually worn over a skirt(pavada/pavadai in Tamil), with a blouse (choli or ravika) forming the upper garment. The choli has short sleeves and a low neck and is usually cropped, and as such is particularly well-suited for wear in the sultry South Asian summers.

Dr.Abdul Kalaam had a dream that India would be a super power by the year 2020.India is now the second most populous country in the world and is catching up with China at a very fast rate. This gives a clear indication that India would be a super power much before 2020. Many would state various reasons behind this alarming growth in population.But I would say that "Saree" is the only reason behind India's huge population. Saree defeats all other reasons by a huge margin.
I always loved to see women in sarees. My first girlfriend "Renu" never knew that i was actually two timing her with my class teacher. (Renu was my classmate in kindergarten). My class kindergarten class teacher used to drape herself in saree. I was not innocent then. My innocence grew with age.

There are many ways to drape a saree. I am stating a few styles of saree draping that comes to my mind.

Note : If your mind is filled with LUST and if you are a SEXUAL PERVERT, you will see only try to see the flesh in this post. But if you are matured, then you will know that the following are different ways in which people drape a saree.

Tribal wrap

This style is the earliest style of draping a saree. It is a combination of miniskirt and a hand-towel. This shows that the original saree never had a blouse or a petticoat. The tribal wrap is also the forerunner of Sleeveless blouses. The ancient men were indeed really lucky. But as time went by Tribal wrap lost its sting and soon many other ways of draping a saree became very popular. How ever a few woman are still striving hard to preserve the traditional Tribal wrap technique. Mandira Bedi is one such noble woman who popularised the sleeveless blouse accompaniment to the saree.

Silicon Valley
I am not talking about the IT park, nor am I getting technical here. I am talking cleavages here. This style of wearing a saree involves high precision. The saree is worn in such a way that the cleavage is revealed. This is also called as the hide and seek technique of draping a saree.
This style is very popular in the cosmopolitan cities in India. Men like this style very much. 14 % of road accidents are a result of the silicon valley technique. Rakhi Sawant is the best example for the silicon valley style. Only experts can use this style effectively. Amateurs are requested not to try this even at home because trying it at home might even result in the death of your pet cat.
Belly Button

I have no idea why such a fuss is created about the belly button. Careful analysis of the belly button reveals that it is nothing but a small pit in the belly. At the same time, it is the belly button that is going through a major revolution these days. I had a friend who pierced her belly button. Another friend decorates her belly button with mehendi. I am so happy that we just have one belly button each. If only the belly button had eyes, it would cried an ocean by now.
Revealing the belly button while draping a saree gives a kick to many men. Researches reveal that this effect is even high compared to drinking 8 shots of tequila. Some woman reveal their belly button without their knowledge but many woman reveal it knowingly. As long as they keep on giving men such kicks,it does not matter whether they do it on purpose or not.
Side show

This style is also called the "Teaser". No one knows the reason behind a dog chasing a car. But the "Teaser" way of draping a saree is definitely a major reason behind the drool effect that it has on many men.
The saree is worn in such a way that it covers the entire body when seen from the front and the back. But when seen from the sides, it gives statistical information of the one adopting this style. Almost 90 %of saree drapers fall under this category.
This style of draping a saree is a major reason behind the population explosion. In this picture Shriya is demonstrating a very bad example of the side show technique. She is revealing more than what is required for this style.


If men are given an opportunity to rule the world, the first thing that they would eradicate from this world is the "Mummy" style of draping a saree. The sole purpose of this technique is to cover each and every single portion of the body. Only the face and the hands are revealed for public display.
Reliable sources say that a group of men are actually searching for the inventor of this style to kill him. This technique makes the woman to sweat a lot. Hence Chronicwriter also strongly voices his opinion against this style. How ever this style is commonly used for brides in weddings.

It takes courage to use this technique. This technique is a user-friendly technique for many men. This style is used by woman when they are in a hurry. It is also called as the "Where is my saree?" style of wearing a saree (not wearing a saree).
Mallika Sherawat is an expert in this style. Importance is given to the blouse and the skirt (mundu). How ever due to lack of funds, the saree is forgotten.The Amnesia style is very popular in Kerala. No wonder they call Kerala as God's own country.
Trivia: Chronicwriter lived in Kerala for 4 years.

Unrealistic Hope

Have you built sand castles in the beach? If so how would you feel when someone crash lands in the sand castles that you had built? Let me give a more appropriate example.
If you are working in a firm , if your boss appreciates you and pats your back for every task that you complete, you would of course be happy. Your hopes would go high. But at the time of your appraisal if he gives you a bad rating, how would you feel? I am not making any sense through this example too. Let me make it very simple.
When you eat a chocolate in front of a little child without giving it to the child, how would the child feel? This particular style falls under such a category. It gives false hopes to everyone. It might appear to fall down anytime. But it does not. It hangs on and stays-on for ever. So close, yet very far.
There are many many more styles involved in draping a saree. Many among you will fall under some of these categories.. It is an ocean and I have covered only a drop in that big wide ocean. I request the readers to take a plunge into this ocean too. But jump in only if you can swim or else just enjoy sunbathing near the shore.


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

371. Confession time

Warning : Reading this post is like wetting your white pants. You get a warm feeling and people will notice it too

(Chronicwriter's water skiing days)

I have not made this known to anyone yet. For the first time in my life, i am confessing a few bad things i committed in my life. It doesn't matter if the reader forms a bad impression about the author of this page after reading this post (As if Chronicwriter has a good impression amongst people)

Death of Pinku and Tinku

In the summer of 1989, my neighbour's two cats "Pinku and Tinku" were found dead inside their Well. The reason for their suicide was not known. No one suspected Chronicwriter's hand behind their death. Jimmy Carr's quote, " Cats have nine lives, which makes them ideal for experimentation." acts as a guilt nullifier for me now.

Rajan Uncle's Glass window

There was this grumpy old man,"Rajan" in our locality. He was very rude to all the children in our locality. When I was a young boy, i used to play street cricket with my friends. Many a times the ball would be hit inside the backyard of Rajan Uncle's house. He was very strict and he would never give the ball back to us. There were times when we would sneak inside his house to reclaim the mishit ball. But at such times if he catches any one of us, he would smack us to glory. Eventually we stopped playing cricket near his house. But his glass window was constantly pelted by some unknown creepy Boy. No one suspected the Chronicwriter then.

Death of Bruno

Bruno, was my neighbour's pet dog. He once tried to commit suicide by biting his own private parts. He was this nagging, irritating dog. He never allowed me to enter my neighbour's house. So the day Bruno ate too much of rat poison and died, no one doubted Chronicwriter's hand behind the whole incident.

The rat poison that was in the store room of my house went missing.That does not mean that Chronicwriter poisoned Bruno. Who asked Bruno to eat Rat poison? Rat poison is meant for Rats and not for dogs.

Cry Babies

Why do young babies cry when Chronicwriter is around? Does he pinch them?

-Chronicwriter ( I might look like one. But I am not a sadist)

Friday, November 06, 2009

370. Introducing the Hero

These days late i am so much immersed in Korean movies. The Korean movies mainly revolve around relationships. I do not know the language but thanks to sub-titles i am now able to watch a lot of foreign language movies.Italian movies are known for their cinematographic brilliance. The sepia color vision which was popularised by Italian movie makers has marched its way into Indian Cinema's too. Iranian movies are known for their natural screenplay. Latin movies are musically inclined. Croatian movies talk about love and war. Let me cut my "Know-it -all" crap here and let me come to the point.

The reason for this post is to educate the world wide audience about the strategy used by Kollywood (Tamil) movie makers in introducing the Hero in the movie. This is popularly called as the "Hero introduction scene". This is the scene where the faithful fans go berserk in the movie halls.

When the hero shows up for the first time, the movie halls in Tamilnadu ( India also) will experience a natural phenomenon called the "Koothu effect". This effect is a combination of thunderous whistles ( which are created by putting fingers inside the mouth and spraying saliva on those sitting in front seats), squirrel screams ( which is similar to the sound that the heroine makes when the villain attempts to molest her) and vigorous clapping ( which are way better than the claps that the Americans gave to the "Yes we can" speech of Obama).The koothu effect is garnished with cracker effect (bursting crackers outside the cinema hall) and paper effect ( Throwing shredded paper in the air which gives the snow flake effect to the cinema hall). This "Koothu effect" has its origins in India and one has to experience it to understand the real meaning of the effect.
In Physics, "The Koothu effect" is measured in Hertz.

1)For movie stars like Rajini, the koothu effect touches 20000 Hertz. All the Rajini-haters are requested not to decode the logic in his movies because by now you should have realised that Rajini's movies are not based on logic but only Magic.
2) For movie stars like T.R.Rajendhar, the koothu effect reaches 20000 hertz too. But it does not happen when he makes his entry. It happens when he dies in the end of the movie.Me and my friends once went to watch a T.R.Rajendhar movie (Veerasaamy) and we gave a standing ovation when he finally died in the movie. Such is the effect that he creates in the mind of the viewer.To read the Tribute article I wrote for Terror Romeo Rajendhar click here [link]
3) Heroines do not get the same koothu effect when they make their introduction on screen. How ever in recent times two names are said to be receiving the koothu effect that even crosses the 20000 Hz mark. The names of the heroines are Shriya and Namitha. Shriya has a size Zero figure and Namitha is blessed with more flesh than the blue whale itself. Irrespective of their Body Mass Index (BMI) these two heroines follow the simple KISS rule ( Keep it short and simple). The KISS rule is applicable to the costumes they wear ( do not wear).

Though i can go on writing on this topic, I would just concentrate on writing what i intended to write for this Blog post. I would brief about my favorite two Hero Introductions in Tamil cinema.

1. The Man who gave a shock to the Transformer

He is the same guy who was tied to a Transformer by the Bad boys in the movie Narasimha. Unfortunately the transformer ended up getting the shock and the director of the movie died even before the movie was released and to top it all the movie bombed big time. Yes. I am talking about Mr. Vijayakanth. He is fondly called as Captain

His introduction scene in the movie Dharmapuri is the first of its kind. The mini- villain gets hold of a girl (The reason for the villain holding the girl is unknown). This is where a tough looking police man enters the scene to save the girl ( It is not our captain yet). The villain shoots the policeman but unfortunately the villain is not as lucky as Abhinav Bindra and hence instead of shooting the head of the police man, the policeman's cap ends up as the target for the bullet. The Police cap starts to fly and the camera zooms in to get a close up of the police cap. This is the exact moment a hairy dark hand that resembles the private part of a donkey appears on the screen and catches the cap. This hand happens to be the hand of our captain. (The audience will give the koothu effect now). Captain will give a priceless expression showing his sexy belly and his yellow teeth.

The villain use this opportunity and shoots at our captain. The whole movie hall watches in anticipation. The bullet travels in slow motion from the right end of the screen to the left end of the screen. Just when the viewers expect our captain to do a la-matrix-keanu reeves move to dodge the bullet, he stays still. (The viewers in the movie hall now move to the edge of their respective seats with thoughts running in their minds " will Captain die in the very first scene?"). The bullet hits the target. But instead of going inside captain's chest, the bullet just uses captain's body as a bouncing mat and bounces back and hits the villain and the villain dies on the spot (The viewers give the koothu effect now). If you do not believe this, do watch this 14 second video clip [link]

2. Terror Introduction

Terror Romeo Rajendhar's introduction should and would invariably feature in the Top three introduction scenes of the millenium in world cinema. All his introduction scenes are worth mentioning. His introduction scene in the movie "Veerasaamy" is even better than Sylvester Stallone's introduction scenes in the Rambo series. Pregnant woman are requested not to watch his introduction scenes. Statistic reveal that 342 pet dogs died when this movie was screened in Sun TV. Veerasaamy is India's answer to Jurassic Park. Stephen Spielberg would not have used any graphical assistance to create dinosaurs for his movie if he had seen veerasaamy before directing Jurassic Park.

Sans much crap talk, let me get into the core topic. Yes! The Hero Introduction scene of the movie Veerasaamy. The heroine of the movie is a social worker and she has a very noble heart. To support the families of all those who lost their lives in the Titanic ship, she starts a brothel business. The business even gets listed in the Forbes 500 list. The Villain happens to be a close associate of Steve Jobs (Apple computers).In order to curb the growing business of the heroine, the villain tries to molest the heroine. In Tamil movies, holding the heroine's hand is equivalent to molesting the heroine. As soon as the villain touches the heroine's hand, a urulakattai (firewood) flies from no where and hits the villain.

The villain looks around and finds out that the urulakattai has been thrown from an old shed. The villain's companions are sucked inside the old shed. (This is almost similar to the dinosaur introduction scene from Jurassic Park). All those who were sucked inside the shed are then thrown out through out through the roof of the shed. Some are even thrown out through the window. Just when everyone starts to scratch their heads thinking what might have sucked them in and then thrown them out, the Hero "Terror Romeo Rajendhar" makes his introduction through the broken main door of the shed. (The Viewers do not give the Koothu effect now. Remember that the Koothu effect for T.R. Rajendhar movies are given only when he dies at the end of the movie). To watch the Terror entry of Rajendhar watch this clip [link]

3. My latest picture

If you are still alive after reading/watching the first two clips, keep reading because you might be in for a surprise. Recently I was telling my friends that off late i am looking very similar to Brad Pitt. They never believed me. Even my Russian girl friend calls me Braddy Boy these days. By the by, Did i tell you that i have a girlfriend now ? I guess not. She is Russian. A blonde and she cracks wonderful jokes. She plays tennis. She is tall (6.2 feet). I am 5.5. Her name is Maria Sharapova.
She came to me this morning while I was still in bed and she pecked my neck and said,"Braddy, I love you". She smelt really good. She might have taken bath using the Dove soap that i presented her last night. She then said,"Braddy boy, I am gonna take a picture of you and I will keep it in my purse". I said "OK". Immediately she took a picture of me and uploaded it in her laptop and she is using my picture as her desktop background. I am adding the same picture here to prove to my friends that, I do look very much like Brad Pitt these days.

Do you believe me at least now?

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

369. Talk openly about sex

Trivia: If not for Sex, we would not be on earth in the first place. I would not be typing this post and you would not be reading it either.

Talking openly about sex is a taboo in culturally rich countries like India and also in Countries which are governed by religious laws. How ever the rape, child molestation rates are high in these countries too. This clearly indicates that there is a complete imbalance in the law-setting (vs) law-abiding percentage in these countries.

Peter Sickle says," Talk openly on the topic of Sex, because everyone are good orators in this topic even if they do not have practical experience" . Please do not ask who this Peter Sickle is. He was sitting next to me in a train journey and this was one of his statements from the conversation i had with him. This quote made me to think and I realised that we are all Hypocrites when it comes to Sex.

The hypocrisy is passed on by Parents to their children even when they are very small kids. 99 % of the parents find it really hard to talk confidently with their children about sex. Pseudo names are given to private parts and are taught to the children. Some of the names that are commonly taught are tutu, chuchu, puppy shame, winky, peepee, poopoo. This makes the child to believe that there is something dirty and weird about private parts. You wouldn't make up another name for a nose or ear. So why use a nickname for private parts?

Parents should openly talk about private parts with their children. Every child should know the actual name of their body parts. A penis is always a penis and a vagina should always be a vagina. Avoid using comical names like Turtle, Cuckoo.

Recently in Mexico a three year old baby girl was molested by her family car driver and the parents could not win the lawsuit against the culprit because the little girl used terms like " Pie and Dudu". The father of the child was furiated that he attempted to kill the driver. Now the father is in prison and the actual culprit is free.
Psychologists always stress that it is the natural way to communicate with kids about their bodies which makes them confident in real life. It will boost the personality of little children also. I recently talked on this subject with my friend and his wife. They have two children aged 7 and 4 respectively. This is what my friend's wife had to say

I never had taught them the proper names because they had made up their own name for their vagina (their body). Don't know where they got it from but we never corrected them until now. I will have to say that I told my girls to not talk about their private parts with friends because each parent talks to their kids about it in their own way.

Parents should also teach their kids that private parts are not supposed to be part of public conversations and the kids would learn where to use the terminologies and where not to use them in a conversation. I am not trying to be corny. I am just voicing my view on a topic that is very serious. If you can relate to this post, you would understand the thin line between vulgarity and being Broad minded. If you can't fathom the idea behind this post, there is every possibility of drawing your own conclusions.

Yes we need a change in the way we bring up our children. We should stop being a hypocrite. Interviews with sex-offenders give a clear indication that they were not taught the right words for private parts when they were young and when they grew up, their curiosity on the topic on sex took dangerous turns.

Oh my goodness! Did i just type this post? I was going through this post and i was reminded by Mr.X( my alter-ego) that i am still single. It has been 24 years of falling in love and i have never been reciprocated for any of my attempts at falling in love. When I thought about this, i was filled with sadness and i could hear a feeble voice in my head saying," Mera Number kab aayega?". I was controlling my tears and i almost succeeded in controlling my tears until i read the news article about the 112 year old man who married a 17 year old teenage girl [link]

Some guys are lucky indeed. But still at 112? I am still crying.