253. Attitude! Girl, Attitude!!!

The Tips that were offered to men in one of my earlier posts evoked mixed reactions from all the quarters in the country. Men from different parts of the country came together (no pun intended) and started an “Anti-Chriz” community. They staged a nation wide protest in their respective houses.

Some of their slogans were,
1) Chriz is a womanizer
2) Chriz is a Chicken
3) Chriz behaves like Britney spears.

I had a heavy heart when I came to know about these slogans. The first two slogans did not trouble me at all. The 3rd slogan however scraped my heart into shreds. When ever I am down with a heavy heart, I fling myself on the bed and cry my eyes out on to the pillow.

I cried the whole of last night; and my pillow appeared like a sponge soaked in water. My mom never believed me when I tried convincing her that I was indeed crying the whole night. She has doubts that I still wet my bed during my sleep.

The male community has lost faith in me. My folks have lost faith in me. That is when I thought, I should win back my pride. In order to win back my lost-pride, I present to all of you the much awaited post (I really know, no one would have awaited for this post. But writing like that gives me pleasure. So please bear with me)

Orkut for WOMEN

This post is a special dedication for all the women around the Globe. If you follow the tips given here, the guys will be following you for ever.
Pre-Requisite: All the girls are requested to say the word “ATTITUDE” five times before proceeding any further.
Ok here we go…

How to design an Orkut profile? (For women)

Name: This is the second thing that a guy would look for when he scans through different Orkut profiles (The first thing being the gender). So all the girls are requested to type in a girl name. I have a few girl-mates with Boy names. Arun, Ryan… If you have similar names, just add the letter A at the end and make it Aruna and Ryana respectively. Also a girl’s profile name should be a mixture of upper-case letters and lowercase alphabets and some special characters.

If your name is Shiney Abraham, you should type it as “$#In3Y @Bra#Am”. Do not use much of your intelligence and add the alphabet “A” at the end of the word Abraham. You should remember that it is your surname.

About me: Remember the word ATTITUDE when you fill this section. Every single word should be filled with raw-never-care-attitude. The following line is a mandatory line. “I am not here to make Fraansheeps. So if you don’t know me, please don’t scrap me”. If you have this line in your About me section, then you are bound to have more scraps.

Gender: The first thing that a guy would look for… Be proud of your feminine nature. Even if you are a tom boy and even if you have doubts regarding your orientation, just select the word “Female”. 100 scraps are guaranteed within 24 hours.

Relationship Status: It doesn’t matter even if you are married or divorced. If you are a member of the fairer gender and if you have typed “Female” as the answer to the previous question, just select any option of your choice as an answer for this question.

Birthday: Never add your birthday. Invariably a guy would ask your birthday in the sixth or seventh scrap and that question would help you in throwing more attitude.

City: Do not write all the names of the cities you have visited in your life. If you are living in Chennai now, then type it as Chennai. If you move to Mumbai tomorrow, then change it to Mumbai. Let the guys keep on guessing.

Zip/Postal code: Any six digit number will do. You can even type in your mobile number. No one will even bother to look at this

Interested in: Don’t answer this question. Answering this question will result in a 20% decrease in potential scraps..

Children: Do you have children? Then type the number of children you have

Ethnicity: Black or white. Red or Blue, a girl always has the upper hand in Orkut.

Political view: Don’t answer this question. Be honest.

Humor:Slapstick humor goes well with boys for obvious reasons.

Fashion: You are a modern girl. Remember that.

Language: As a girl you would at least know 5 languages. Type all the languages you know.

Sexual orientation: Even if I give a tip on this one, would you choose “bicurious”?.

Smoking, drinking: Do not answer this question. Gone were those days when Guys hated girls who smoked

Living: Do not check all the options. If you do so, it would read like this, “living alone with parents and a partner with kids and friends visit often with roommates who party every night with your pets”.

Passions: Go on… Show your mettle.. I needn’t help you with this one.. Don’t ever say that Hrithik and Brad Pitt are your passions. Guys are possessive (Equally possessive like their counterparts)

Sports: Even if you have pink pyjama parties with your girl friends and play truth or dare, do not add them here. I once peeped inside my neighbor babe’s bedroom. She was playing “Truth or dare” with three of her friends”. One dare-act she performed that night still gives me sleepless nights.

Books: Just type the names of the books that are currently within 1 foot away from you. I am sure you can at least come up with five names.

Music: Don’t add any gay-boy bands. You should be inclined to heavy death metal. Are you interested in Pop? Don’t add that name.Guys love rock.

Movies: I am hundred percent sure that you drool at Hrithiks biceps and Josh Holloway’s chiseled looks. But stick on to the names of the movies that you have seen. Do not go over board and express your feelings for all the reel-heroes.

TV Shows: If you are a girl, you should have Friends, sex and the city and all the girly sitcoms that you usually watch.

Cuisine: If you do not know what cuisine is all about, just add the names of some countries in your list. Indian, Chinese, Italian, Spanish would do. Do not add names such as Iraq, Afghanistan and United States of America.

Profile picture: As long as your gender is female, you don’t have to worry about the profile picture. Leaving the space empty without a profile picture invokes mixed reactions. Guys will either think that you are drop dead gorgeous or they’d think that you are an attu figure (A look alike of briney spears/Rakhi Sawant).So this portion involves lot of pyscho-precision. Either add a picture of one of your eyes, or click a picture of your ear and post them or even add a picture of your index finger. Anything works here

Recent Visitors: Boys would of course visit your profile in large numbers. So your recent visitor’s list would always have new names everyday. Just take a picture of the recent visitors list and add that picture in your photo album with the caption “These guys are crazy about me”. It sure does give you kick.

Scraps: Remember that you are a girl and try to keep your scraps short and sweet. Do not scrap the way you talk. There should not be more than four words in a single scrap. The most important thing is never to answer any question posed by a guy. Remember you are the question-master

Fans: If you are careful enough to state that you are a member of the fairer gender, you are bound to have every Tom, Shane and Harry as your fan.(Do not ask me, who Shane is.. I am pretty sure that you are not bothered to know about Tom and Harry)

Testimonials: Just create a decent Orkut profile and don’t forget to state that you are a female. Testimonials would flood in. Add some testimonials to your friends. Invariably they would return their favor by adding a testimonial for you. Accept their testimonial, but do not forget to delete the testimonial you added for them.

Remember to flaunt with your attitude in every inch of your profile. So when you fill your profile, just remember to mutter the following sentence," I have an Attitude"

-Chronicwriter (An Ex-Orkuttian)