This morning when I opened my mailbox, I received a mail from Linda Hayes. The subject line was, “Do you want to improve your performance”. Being a very innocent guy, I happened to open that mail and the next moment, pop-ups flooded my screen. This incident inspired me to come up with this post. Do you want to improve your performance too? Then Read on…Orkut.
Many of my friends say the same dialogue, “I have an orkut account just to stay in touch with my old friends”. That is a big fat lie.Guys! We should admit that when we sign into orkut the first thing we do is check
1) Whether any girl had scrapped us
2) Whether any girl appears in our recent visitors list
3) Whether any girl has added a testimonial for us
When none of these three things happen to us, we get irritated and we do the following things
1) We hunt for profiles of girls in girls school/ college communities and consider all good looking babes as our babe
2) We scrap so called whacky pick-up lines (Which we consider as the most intelligent scrap of all time)
3) Alter our profile expecting some improvement in our performance.
When none of these desperate measures work out, we finally say “Orkut is affecting my performance at work” and even decide to quit from Orkut. But Hold on. You are not alone. There is a big bunch of the male community leaving Orkut these days.
For such poor souls who are thinking of quitting orkut because their performance is not good enough, here are a few tips to increase your orkut performance. I am writing this post for such poor souls.
How to improve your Orkut performance? (For men)
Women can also read this post cos you would know the different techniques that a guy would adopt in improving his performance after reading this post.
Let us begin with the Profile
About me: Usual smart statements that are found in profiles are “It is for me to know and you to find out”, “I am not here to impress” etc.. Some people even have quotes of famous people in their about me section. I have even come across profiles that have poems on it, like the one below
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Do you know baby that I can fly?
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Do you know baby that I can fly?
Come on my dear Guys! These kinds of stuffs would be a big turn off even for a thirteen year old girl. The plot is very simple. Write something about you, in the about me section in the simplest way. Nothing less and nothing flowery.
Gender: Be a man! Be proud of our clan. Stare at yourself in front of the mirror. Just select the box which says “Male”. But I know there are lots of men who have Female Ids. Sometimes we have to use just simple plain common sense. A person with the name, “George”, cannot be a female.
Relationship Status: Treat the ladies the way they want to be treated. Even if you are married / committed say that you are single. For those who do not know what an open relationship is, stay away from it. Scientists are still conducting experiments to find the exact meaning of open relationships.
Birthday: This is one day when you get the maximum number of scraps from girls. So, have at least 3 birthdays in a year. Change it every now and then so that you get wishes from girls every now and then.
City: It should be a cosmopolitan city. For heaven’s sake do not write the name of your village. If you are from some village say Kayankulam, Chandrakulam, Badiwaada, Paappapatti, never put it in your profile. India has four metro cities and a few so called cities that come very near to the Cosmo culture. Select one such city that is located closer to the place where you live.
Zip/Postal code: The metros have specific postal codes. Do not write the postal code of your village (Lateral thinking)
Interested in: Select anything in the list. But do not make the mistake of creating a doubt among the girls’ minds by selecting “Looking for men”. Remember that you are neither a gay nor a Bi. Even if you are, do not select them.
Children: You are single. Single men are not supposed to have children. (You might argue by telling that even single men can become fathers. That is true. But in social networking sites, we should curb our know-it all attitude)
Ethnicity: If you are an Indian, you automatically become an Asian.
Political view: Select anything. No girl is going to make a decision on you based on the whether you are a centrist or a left democratist
Humor: Select anything/everything. Girls like humorous people (Don’t they?)
Fashion: We are living in the 20th century. Select a couple of options to show that you are flexible to fashion changes.
Language: English is mandatory. Also select your mother tongue. Select a few more languages too. If you do not know French, don’t select it. Most girls know French.
Sexual orientation: Even if you sit with a hunch back, just say that you are Straight. There are options like bisexual/bicurious. Just ignore them
Smoking, drinking: Some girls like smokers and drunkards. So the best way to answer this question is not to answer this question. So no answer is the best answer.
Living: Do not check all the options. If you do so, it would read like this, “living alone with parents and a partner with kids and friends visit often with roommates who party every night with your pets”.
Passions: We all know what our passions are. But this is where we should control ourselves. Music, Movies, Sports serves as the best answer
Sports: Girls like Men and they usually do not prefer boys. So do not write stuffs like, “Hide and seek, the thief and the cops and all the games that you play with your neighbor kids”. Soccer, Tennis,F1.. Don’t they look great?
Activities: If you are honest here, then all the effort that you have put in designing your profile will go for a toss. We have started lying and we should continue to lie. Say that you are a bungee jumper or that you have biker gang or maybe a rock band
Books: Girls would love to know about your reading taste. I really do not know what they would decipher out of this. It is better to have names like Frederick Forsyth, Paulo Coelho, Harold Robbins, Irwing Wallace. Do not write the names of the books that you usually read (rather gaze at).
Music: If you put in names like Emraan Haasmi and DJ Doll, it is high time that you close your Orkut Account. Use names like MLTR, Metallica, Seether, Creed or go for famous Individuals like Eric Clapton, Mark Knopfler, Santanna, Ossie. If you do not have Beatles in your list, you stand very close to lose many scraps.
If you do not know the names of any bands just type metal, death metal, rock, pop, classic, western or country. People would think that you have an in-depth knowledge. Never add names of the gay-Boy bands in your list. If you have Britney Spears in your list, please do not read my blog here after.
Movies: Even if you are an SRK, Vijay, Ajith, Mohanlal fan curb your desire. Hollywood is where we should concentrate on. At least ten movies from the top 100 movies in IMDB should feature in your list
TV Shows: Even if you watch VIP in AXN , Baywatch in Star world and silk-stockings in Zee for obvious reasons, your profile is not the place to reveal it. Have the names of some talk shows. Friends and Full house are a must. Do not ever dream about mentioning the names of the mega serials that you watch in the regional channels.
Cuisine: If you do not know what cuisine is all about, just add the names of some countries in your list. Indian, Chinese, Italian, Spanish would do. Do not add names such as Iraq, Afghanistan and United States of America.
Now we are 50% trough in building 250% of success through our profile. The next 50% will yield great results.
Recent Visitors: If you visit girls profiles, they would invariably at least take a look into your profile. So the more girls’ profiles you visit, the more visitors you would have from a person of the fairer sex. On one such day your recent visitors list will be full of girls. Just take a picture of that and add it in your photo album with the caption " These girls are crazy about me"
Scraps: Scrap as many girls as you can. Never show that you are desperate (even if you are). You have a 1/10 chance of getting a scrap back with the most common question “Who are you? Do I know you?” If you get this sort of scrap, just remember that you have the fish near the net and it is just a matter of precision and shrewdness with which you will have it in the net. Just wave your net gently with stories that you are very capable of cooking. Never ever show that you are desperate
A recent survey by Mr.X shows that a news sect of girls are very much attracted to desperate guys. God I am confused now.
Fans: If you become someone else’s fan, they become your fan automatically. There are People who do not become your fan even one week after you becoming their fan.Just remember that there is no point in you being their fan.
Testimonials: Treat your friends and they would add testimonials for you. I had 36 testimonials in Orkut. You can even write your own testimonials and ask your friends to post it for you.
Communities: This is where you should be really careful. Even if you like Pamela Anderson, Avia Giovanni, do not join communities that are started for them. Join communities of famous, musicians, authors. Also join intelligent communities like brain teasers, Chess. Also when you join your school community be very careful that you do not show your true color by actively participating in the forums.
That’s all I could come up as of now. If anyone else has any other great ideas, please feel free to share in the smiles section.
-Chronicwriter (An Ex-Orkuttian)