Saturday, August 30, 2008

209. Chef boils water

The chef is launching his recipe diary with a tough lesson. I request all my readers to take a pencil and paper and note the points , i am gonna write here. These points would help you in becoming a world class chef like me. Without much adu, let us get into action

"How to boil water? "
Ingredients needed:

Kitchen : 1 no
Human being : 1 no ( It can be you)
Audience : 1 and above( Passive audience to watch you cook)
Audience : None ( Active audience, who are the end users of the cooked product)
Water : One litre
Container : 1 ( Please note that the container is not made of plastic.)
If the container is small and if it could not accomodate 1 Litre of water, then you can use more than one container for cooking.
Dress used by Mallika Sherawat : 2 Nos (For holding the container while conducting the cooking process. This is to increase the glamour effect while cooking)

The reader is requested to stop oggling at the picture and continue reading.
Gas stove: 1 no
Gas cylinder : 1 no
( If gas cylinder is not available, then there is no point of having a gas stove.You should have a good lateral thinking process like the author)
Gobar stove/Kerosene stove : 1 no ( If gas stove is not available)
Clock: 1 no ( If the clock is not in proper working condition, another clock can be used)
Match stick : 1 box ( For those that do not know how to use a matchstick, The author would devote another post on it)
Lighter : 1 no ( Those who are scared of using a match stick can use the lighter )

Let us proceed step by step

1) The human being (cook) can go inside the kitchen
2) Connect the gas cylinder to the gas stove
3) Ignite the stove using the matchstick/ Lighter
4) Gently pour water inside the container and place it on the stove
5) The audience should clap at this juncture
6) From now on, the cook's hands should not come in contact with the container without the help of mallika sherawat's clothes
7) The cook can do an item number for his/her own song for five minutes ( The clock comes into use now)
8) Bubbles would form on the top layer of water with a zzzzzz sound ( Bubbles accompanied by any sound other than zzzzzz should be disqualified)
9) Water is boiled and is ready to serve
10) To test if water is boiled or not, the cook can immerse his/her right index finger inside the container ( Remember! Only the right hand) . If heat-boils appear on the finger, then you can be assured that the water is indeed boiled.


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

208. The chef avatar

A new venture...
Sweat and work should not mix in this new job role...
Yes chronicwriter will be soon dishing out his recipes for all the food hoggers out there...
Are you suffering from constipation? You want immediate remedy?
Just follow my cooking instructions and you will have a relieved tummy.
Yes! I will start with a very complicated recipe for my readers in my next post.
How to make boiled water?
Keep coming... Food will be served hot.


207. Check your belongings

The toilet in my office is spic and span and that makes me spend my free hours inside the loo. I seldom make any visits to public toilets. But last week, call it the curse of nature; I had to end up inside a public loo in spencers mall , Chennai. The scene was pathetic. So I quickly finished my business dealings and just when I was about to leave, I came across this board inside the loo.

Yes , I did a complete check of my belongings before leaving the loo


Sunday, August 24, 2008

206.The Great Green Gunner

Sushil Kumar of India (in red) fights Leonid Spiridonov of Kazakhstan during their 66kg men's freestyle wrestling bronze medal match at the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games August 20, 2008

I was one among the very many TV audiences who had the privilege of watching this Indian in action.... Yes!!! You guessed it right... I immediately wanted to become a wrestler and win gold for India in the London Olympics.

Four years from now, I'll be thirty. So I would be the oldest wrestler to represent India in the wrestling scene in olympics. Hence I would automatically become the flagbearer for our country. Sania Mirza will walk behind me during the opening ceremony. All these positive thoughts gave me enough inspiration to become a pro wrestler.

Wrestling is all about pinning your opponent to the ground. With almost 20 years experience of watching WWF & WWE, I knew that I had the wrestling blood flowing in my veins.I have jumped from the bed and kicked my cousin when I was just 8. I remember that incident quite well. That was my first ever wrestling move. The purpose of that wrestling move almost 18 years back reaped its benefit this week, as I finally decided to become a wrestler.

I knew India would have two names to boast of in the international wrestling arena by the year 2010. One would be the "Great Khali" and the other one would be the "Great Green Gunner".For those who might be thinking who this Green Gunner is, Lemme introduce Him to you. Green Gunner is ME and that is gonna be my wrestling tag name.If you ask me, Why such a name?; my answer is very simple.I like the colour green and I am still interested in Guns.But I like the color blue more than the color green. But blue bummer sounds funny, and hence I would be called the Great Green Gunner or simply G-cube.Khali is almost two foot taller than me. But who cares? Does size matter in wrestling?

The next step was to find a proper wrestling suit for me. So I went to the sports shop. The sports shop owner has become a very good friend of mine by now (Read posts 202,203 and 204). He welcomed me with a warm smile. I told him that I was there to buy a wrestling suit. He showed a suit to me.

The brown colur suit did not appeal to me much. Though it looked comfortable and greasy, it was not glamorous at all. With a dejected look, I was about to leave the shop when a green colour wrestling suit caught my attention. I immediately knew that my 2012 olympic dream is gonna come true.The shop keeper however told me, that it was a swimsuit and he did not want to sell it to me. But I told him that no one could stop my dream and I ended up buying the suit. I came home and tried it on me. Something seemed wrong inthe suit.I knew that I had to work out well to get a strong chest. Now I have enrolled myself in the local gym now. Watch out world. Green Gunner is on his way...


Saturday, August 23, 2008

205. He will have to go

Trinaa pulled me in for this wonderful musical tag.

The rules:
1. Put Your iTunes/ music player on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

After you've answered all of the questions, tag other people and then let them know that they have been tagged.

So here I go…
Welcome to my world – Jim Reeves

This Old Guitar –John Denver

Annie’s song –John Denver

More than words- Westlife

I am leaving on a jet plane –John Denver

Bimbo- Jim Reeves

Welcome to my world- Jim Reeves ( The song has come again)

Fly away –John Denver

9)WHAT IS 2+2?
Oh carol- Neil Sedaka

God will make a way – Don Moen

A song for all lovers- John Denver

Goodbye my lover- James blunt

This old guitar – John Denver ( That is coming up again)

God is Good –Don Moen

Hands of the potter – Caedmon’s call

Lady in red –Chris de burgh (Oh! That is romantic)

I’ll fly away- Jim Reeves (Man! This is scary)

Thank you lord –Paul Baloche

I don’t wanna play house -Tammy Wynette

He’ll have to go-Jim Reeves (Check the title of this post)

Knock Three times -Dawn

The tag is open for all my readers.. Share music with everyone...


Friday, August 22, 2008

204. Chriz Balboa

I have literally become a super sportsman this month. Thanks to olympics. My hapless,hopeless attempts with swimming and shooting made me to adopt a new sport. Boxing was the next big sport that hit my head.

I had a wonderful dream that night. I could read headlines in newspapers in the year 2012...
Chriz! He resembles the great Muhammed Ali in style and strength - "Newyork times -August 2012"... "Chriz regains heavyweight champion crown for third consecutive year - September 2012"... "Chriz slays Mike Tyson Junior in less than 2 seconds in the fastest bout in boxing history- The New Hindu"... I am reserving some headlines to avoid any form of jealousy creeping on to my readers's brains.
I woke up this noon and watched India's bronze medal winner Vijender Kumar going down valiantly to the Cuban boxer in the semifinals of the 75 kilogram bout.My heart ached for a while. I wanted to make my dreams come true.My veins were burning with anger. I wanted to make a point.I drank a glass of water.

I frowned at the mirror and gave the most dirtiest look I could possible give, and yea! I realised that I was indeed dirty ( I gotta take a bath now).I thought to myself," Oh Noooo!! I do not have a boxing glove yet!". I clenched my fist and punched the wall to vent my anger. It was painful. I got angrier still. I tore a sheet of paper and I was indeed ruthless. I tore the pillow too and filled my room with cotton. I ended up sneezing. So I came out of my room. My anger has not subsided yet. I wanted to prove something.

I went out to the road and saw a small boy walking back calmly from school. I ran to him and punched his nose. He started crying and ran as fast as he could. My anger subsided a little bit. I turned back and realised that I did not have enough time to move away from a stone hurled at me. The stone found its target somewhere between my two fine legs and all I could see in the next few minutes was the demonish smile of that little boy who hurled the stone at me.I regained my senses after ten minutes and limped back inside my house.

My mom was at the door,and she was really mad at me. I understood the reason behind her anger when I saw the pathetic situation of my room. It took me three hours to clean my room.I feel like punching the keyboard now. Should I?


Thursday, August 21, 2008

203.The Wonder-Wear

The olympic fever just singed me down. Michael Phelps won 8 gold medals in this olympics alone and he was fittingly called the 8th wonder of the world. Great people inspire me and Phelps' splash bravery in the pool inspired me to become a champion too.

The inspiration was of so much intensity that I could feel it in my heart beat too.I finally made up my mind to become the next BIG sensation in the pool in India . So the first thing I did after the inspiration thought hit me, was go on a shopping spree to buy an underwear.The sports-shop seller called it a swimming trunk. But I still call it an underwear. I made the purchase.

I wore it and oh yea,it indeed was a wonder-wear.Next stop, I made my way to the pool.The next two hours people gave me wierd glances.I knew they were trying to discourage me. But I followed what my kindergarten class teacher told me. " Do not talk to strangers". But after sometime a small crowd gathered around me and were watching me with great curiosity.I thought to myself, "Well! I am getting so much attention in my very first attempt at pool. What would be after four years in the London olympics". I waved at the crowd. They cheered back at me.

Suddenly a rough guy approached me and said, " You are not supposed to play this game with just an underwear. I request you to wear proper clothes and come here". I knew that he was jealous of the attention I was getting all the time.

This morning,I read in the news papers that Phelps won the gold medal in the swimming pool. I immediately realised the reason for all the commotion regarding my wonderwear. I wore my wonderwear for a game at the pool table and not to the swimming pool.


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

202. my GUN dream

Abhinav Bindra won India's first ever Individual Gold in Olympics.His prowess in the 10 meter shooting event, gave me the urge to buy a gun.

As I do not have the license to possess a gun, I wrote an email to the president of India to grant me license, so that I could also corner glory for India in the London Olympics. But after typing a detailed mail to the president, I figured out that I do not have the president's email id. Thus my love for shooting was nipped in the bud.
With a dejected heart, I went to the local market and bought a sling-catapult. My neighbor’s cat died that very same day.


Saturday, August 16, 2008

201. Time to get sloshed -Climax

Read Part-1 to get a better understanding of the story
Time to get Sloshed -Climax
Saturday came, and we all woke up with confidence. Andrew, who was a regular bed-wetter, did not wet his bed that night and that indeed was a great example that even he was ready for the challenge. Our batch mates were looking at us in awe and amazement.

I, Stephen and Andrew were indeed ready for the challenge. Stephen indeed looked cool with his goggles. It was raining big time and even the dark clouds could not deter his confidence. We all knew that he found it difficult to walk with his goggles on, but he kept his cool.

Evening drew near and we were all waiting for the moment. Andrew indeed looked like a Greek God. So we asked him to wear some clothes to avoid the dogs doing some damage to his biological objects . He obliged and we were happy. Soon it was dinner time and we had a light dinner.

It was 9 pm and we walked towards the seniors’ DEN. Our batch mates were indeed shivering. We THREE just laughed at their timid nature. The rain came to a standstill. A mosquito hummed in my ears. We reached the senior’s room. We knocked at the door. A senior opened the room. We took a peep inside the room and I got my first attack of fear, as there were around 40 seniors sitting inside the room.

Only we three from the junior batch were ushered in. The rest of my batch mates were asked to leave the place. There was a table in the middle of the room. A bottle of whisky was placed in the table. Andrew whispered into my ears, “Hey buddy! That is just a bottle of whisky. We even gulped a whole bottle of beer that day. This is gonna be a cake walk for us”… The next minute, a senior jumped from his bed and switched off the lights in the room.

30 seconds went by. I did not move an inch. I was scared now. The lights came back. I turned to my left and Stephen was standing next to me. I was relieved. I turned to my right and I was shocked because Andrew was not there. I looked around and in one far corner of the room, I saw Andrew standing with his back to the wall. He was in his Greek God attire. We were almost shivering now. I could feel my heart beat faster.

The seniors asked Stephen to come and sit in the middle of the room. He obeyed them. One senior came forward and poured him a full glass of whisky and asked him to drink it. He gulped it at one go. He turned towards me and smiled at me. The seniors clapped and applauded his effort. Another glass of drink was poured for him. He finished it off in no time too. They cheered him again. The light went off again. I could not guess what was happening around me.

The light came back and I saw Stephen in another corner of the room. But luckily he had his clothes on. Now one senior looked at me. He asked me to finish the rest of the bottle. I asked him, if I could mix it with water and drink it. He gave me an angry stare and the next minute I had gulped the rest of the drink. I felt like drinking hot cold syrup and I could feel a burning sensation in my chest. But I did not show it outside. I badly wanted to drink some water and one good senior understood my state and gave me a bottle of water to drink.

By now Andrew was asked to wear his dress again and he was not asked to drink any alcohol content. He was sure a hit among the seniors. We later found that the seniors had a complex trouble looking at his Greek form. The next fifteen minutes went in an icebreaking session where we were asked to talk about ourselves and about our interests and aim in life.

Slowly I felt that my head was acting weird. My tongue was not speaking what it was supposed to speak. Stephen whispered “Hey Chrissy! I guess something wrong is happening to me. Everything is blurred now” I turned towards him and I could only see him as a translucent object. “Am I drunk?” I thought to myself.

The feeling was memorable too. I felt like sitting on a bean bag. My neck no longer existed. My head seemed so heavy on my shoulders. I lifted my left hand and it was stiff as a rod. Suddenly I heard a thunderous noise (similar to the farting sound of an ostrich) in the room. I could see some feathers flying around in the room. Stephen was lying down on the ground. The seniors were laughing at him. “Did he throw up?” I thought to myself. I laughed along with the seniors.

I stood up. I was floating in mid air. I looked at the seniors. I could not see them clearly. I looked all around me. I closed my eyes. I heard another thundering noise. I tried to open my eyes. I could not open my eyes. I could feel myself lying down on the ground. I heard mumbling noises around me.

I opened my eyes and I was alone in the room. Someone had bathed me. Andrew was sitting besides me. He started laughing looking at me. “Hey Chrissy! You passed out last night and you gave the seniors a heart attack cos you were lying down as if you were a dead log. They had great trouble pulling you to our room”. I turned around and saw Stephen sipping on some lemonade. I had a splitting head ache. I knew he was experiencing it too.

We became best buddies to our seniors from that day and our college life blossomed.
Those memories are evergreen and memories do not need any fabrication. Now I badly want to go and visit my hostel room.

Room number 23. I will visit you soon


Sunday, August 10, 2008

200. Time to get sloshed - Part1

Post number: 200
This is a true story that happened in the life of our author.
The author's first drinking experience.

October 13th 1999. My first year in college and my first tryst with alcohol happened hand in hand.

I, being a young guy of 17 years found it real hard to cope up with the ways of the world as it was my first experience staying away from my folks. I joined the hostel and ended up sharing a room with two other guys, Andrew and Stephen.

It was first time staying away from home experience for them too. Alcohol and tobacco were a big taboo for all three of us then. As we stayed in the same hostel with our college seniors, we had to undergo different rounds of romantic-ragging activities.

We came to know that the seniors were planning to rag me and my roommates that weekend. We also found out from sources that they were planning to make us get drunk. Stephen was little bit worried when he heard about the plot laid by the seniors.

Andrew was almost in tears. I was literally peeing in my pants too. But I took up the role of an agony aunt and tried to soothe things a little bit.

Me: Hey guys. Why so gloomy?
Stephen: I am scared about the ragging thingie
Andrew: Oh yea. Last night they made our batch mate Paul to run around the hostel naked.
Me: Yes I saw that awful sight too. Poor Paul. But he ran like a true champion
Andrew: The seniors took a video of that and they might show it to the college babes
Stephen: That is unfair. We have to complain and protest against them
Andrew: Don’t you do that. This is just their way of breaking the ice. Do you know that Paul is their best mate now?
Me: Is it? So if we do what ever they ask us to do, we will also become our seniors’ friends?
Andrew: Yes that is true
Stephen: But for us, they are planning to get us drunk. I have never tasted alcohol in my life
Me: I haven’t tasted it too
Andrew: I have tasted it once. But it tasted like Mike Tyson’s urine.
Stephen: Oh no. I am not gonna taste it at all.
Me: In that case, they will break the bottle on our naked bums. That will be painful
Stephen: I will drink then. But what if we get drunk? They will make fun of us
Andrew: If we practice drinking, we would not get drunk.
Me: But we do not have much time to practice. Today is Thursday and they are planning to get us drunk on Saturday.
Stephen: I can practice as many times as possible. I do not want to become a joker in the pack
Andrew: Ok then. We will go out to a pub and practice drinking tonight
Me: I am game
Stephen: I am also in.

So, we three made a pledge that we would face the music and walk with our heads held high in front of our seniors. In order to attain the respect, we wanted to perfect the art of drinking and hence we marched towards the local pub.

I did my college in Pondicherry. Pondicherry was known for its liquor. It was very easy to find a pub. It was around 7 pm. It was dark inside the pub. We took a table in the corner of the pub and looked at each other. The bearer came to us and asked for the order. We blinked at each other and suddenly Andrew blurted out,” can we have the menu?” He saved us from embarrassment.

The bearer came back with a menu card. We went through the whole list. Still we did not understand a thing. Finally we decided to go for a beer. As it was our first time we decided to share our beer. When we placed the order, the bearer gave us a sheepish smile and left.

We waited for five minutes. Three mugs were placed in front of us. The beer bottle also came.650 ml in all. Just to show that we are not amateurs in the art of drinking, we ordered some side dishes also. Just when we were about to drink, Stephen had something to say

Stephen: Hey I have seen an uncle of mine, mixing his drink with soda
Me: Is it?
Andrew: Then we should mix our drink with soda too

Immediately we called the bearer and asked him to bring three bottles of soda. He controlled his laughter and went away. He came back with the soda and placed it on the table and asked, “Hey guys! Is this your first time”. We were not the ones to easily accept defeat. We told, we always drink like this.

We filled one third of our mug with the beer and filled the remaining mug with soda. We all stood up and made a toast for our friendship and took our first gulp. Oh yes! It tasted like a wrestlers’ urine. We all finished our first mug with ease. We checked with each other and found that we were not drunk and we were rock solid.

We poured our next 1/3 portion of beer in the mug and ordered for another three bottles of soda. Finally it took three rounds for us to complete one bottle of the beer. I felt slightly dizzy. But still I controlled my mind and we were so happy that we were not drunk after so much of heavy drinking.

We knew that we were ready to take our seniors head on…

-To be concluded.

Friday, August 08, 2008

199. Am I back?

Can I say, I am back? I plunged into the Ad scene and the whirlwind sucked me like a baby gulping milk... The scene is wild, hot, hip, hep and happening... I am getting younger day by day...

I lost 2 kilos
My waist size reduced my 2 cms
My Height is still the same ( There is not much to shed in my height)
The balding continues
My blogging spree almost ceased
My brain ran out of ideas
Hold on
That was just a stop gap
Chronicwriter is back in action
btw I just saw the Indian contingent in their sherwani outfits (Nammy reminded me this line). They were really looking great. Now guys! you ought to bring back home MEDALS...
Post number 200 to follow