Tuesday, September 18, 2018

975. How to control urine

Of all the things in the world, why this topic? I feel that this topic is important for everyone. I like to make this world a better place to live in. And I feel it is important to write this post today.

This post is dedicated to my friend Rajesh who pees everywhere - In his bed, on the road, at work place, in his pants and even while riding the bike (Vadivelu's urine tank bursting scene is also dedicated to him)

Scenario 1: Imagine you are sleeping in your bed. There is a fire in your neighbourhood ( And there is no fire extinguisher) and you decide to extinguish the fire. So you spray water and quench the fire. The dream is over and you open your eyes to see yourself in a pool of urine.

Scenario 2: Imagine you are going on a tour with your friends in a car in National highway. After 3 hours of continuous driving, the car driver stops the car to ease himself. Now you feel like opening up your bladder too

Scenario 3: Imagine you are in a conference room. Your boss is taking a presentation for more than an hour. The A/C is making everyone shiver. The water that you drank an hour ago is now waiting to be freed.

In all these scenarios, I have given a picture perfect situation where you are forced to act on your instinct. How would you handle such a situation? The following five points will help you to control urine in situations where you have no other go. The author recommends these five points only in crisis situations.

1) Shaking Stevens effect: Sit in a chair and shake your legs in a rhythmic motion. You would be able to control urine for 10 minutes. After ten minutes, increase the pace. A human being can hold urine up to 1 hour using this technique
 2) Listen to music: Do you know that listening to instrumental music can help you to hold your pee? If you do not know this fact, you should try it. 
 3) Cross your leg: You can cross your legs to control urine. But you will end up having tears in your eyes if you do so for more than 30 minutes
4) Drink lots of water: This is like treating poison with poison. Drink one bottle of water. Your bladder will start cursing you. Now you can adopt the Shaking Stevens effect to hold your bladder. This method should be tried only by professionals like the author of this page
5) Let out a silent fart: Yes! It works. If you let out a silent fart, urine puts reverse gear and goes inside your body.

I have done masters in this subject and have written many articles and even submitted a thesis on this subject as a part of my MBA dissertation (It was rejected by my jealous guide who always failed to control his urine). I am posting some of those articles here for you to read in your pee (free) time.

Article 1: A gun to your bladder [link] is a study material for students at Harvard
Article 2: Can a girl pee in public [link] is a post I wrote for women empowerment
Article 3: Nitin Gadkari's urine treatment [link] which will make the Bhakts to buy me a free ticket to Pakistan
Article 4: Cheat code to pee in public [link]

(Bachelors in Engineering in Urine Technology)

974. The struggle with writing anything online

Publishing a blog post ain't that easy anymore. I have to mentally prepare myself for a battle before even attempting to type anything on my blog these days.

Back in those days, it was easy to write a blog post. All I have to do is think of any random subject and just go with the flow. I let out my crazy creative juices in the form of words and that would just do the trick for me. But now a days humour goes through multiple filtering processes before it is accepted as humour by the common Neeta ( It is Neta. But Neeta sounds better and sweet. Hence used the word)

I do have my political stand and religious stand and that would ofcourse have its influence on my writings, even when I write humourous posts.  These days, I have to think twice before writing any line on this blog. Some of the pointers that run in my head when I type a line are 

  • Will my post hurt the sentiments of any particular religion?
  • Will this post hurt women?
  • Will it hurt the sentiments of feminists?
  • Will it hurt the sentiments of Naam Tamlar fans?
  • Will I have to bear the brunt of Modi Bhakths?
Yes I can fight tooth and nail to respond to those who have a different stand against mine. But would that be of any help to any one apart from fueling our egos? The answer is No.

So the point I am trying to make here is that I have moved far away from my brand of humour because of various reasons; some of which are stated above. Fans of a popular actor forced me to shut this blog down for a week when I wrote a film review about his film. But I am not going to give a damn about what others think. Do you know why I don't give a damn anymore?

Because I am none other than Echa Raja's admin. Now don't ask me if the voice in the video was mine? I leave it for the court to decide on it.


Monday, September 17, 2018

973. Five similarities between me and a lion

I was watching discovery channel where I saw a Lion hunting down a deer and devouring its flesh. It was a Bodhi tree moment for me. I told myself "If that Lion could eat meat, I can eat meat too".  Now don't you tell me that I am not a lion. I have five similarities with the lion.

  1. I am scared of porcupines too
  2. The Lion's backteeth ( carnassals) are sharp like a pair of scissors. My teeth are sharp too. The sugarcanes I havedevoured in my lifetime stand a testimony to the strength of my teeth. I have also bitten 12 people in my life. All of them had to take TT injections.
  3. The lion has a tasseled tail. I have one too. Next time, you meet me, I will show the tail
  4. The lion can kill insects with their fart. Mine can kill human beings too
  5. The lion can sleep up to 20 hours a day. You have to see how I spend my saturdays and you will accept that I am a lion
In fact my dad actually wanted to name me "Lion". But when my mother told him that the folks from the zoo would catch me and take me to the zoo, he changed his mind and named me Prason Christopher Robin. Now having made it clear that I am more or less the lion of the concrete jungle, I can proudly make my claim that I can eat meat too. This includes beef. Eating beef might be banned in India sometime in the future. 

When that day arrives, I will become a vegetarian and transform myself into a goat that eats shrubs and plantation. I don't have any similarities with the goat. Well I can moo like a pregnant goat. It is tough for me to transform myself into a goat. But if that is what the nation wants, I will indeed change because change is the only constant. (Puriyala dhaaney? Same pinch)

If you have read so far, all I can tell you is that you have to bear with me for some more time because I am closing in towards my 1000th blog.


Monday, September 10, 2018

972. A lesson on respecting elders

In the tamil movie Kushi, the actor Vijay would call his mom by her name. He would not address her as Amma!. When his friend asks him why he calls her Geetha instead of calling her with respect, he would say that Geetha is her name and names have to be used for calling.
When I saw this explanation given by Vijay, I got a little excited. I went to my mom, tapped her on the shoulder and said "Hi Shoba". Immediately I heard a loud noise. It seemed like the power went off. When I opened my eyes, I was experiencing pain on my cheeks

The next week, I went to my class with my mom's hand imprints on my cheeks

Moral: Respect elders


Wednesday, September 05, 2018

971. Teachers day wishes to French Ma'm - Ms Sunita

It is teachers day today and everyone are dedicating a post for their favorite teacher. So here is my dedication to a teacher I liked the most when I was in school. 

She never took any classes for me. But I was always found in her class. The other teachers iterally had to drag me out of her class all the time.

In the Tamilnadu education system, in State board syllabus, we had the opportunity to choose between French and other subjects as the second language in 11th standard. Usually people selected French because it was easy to score good marks.

But being the guy who loved his mother tongue, I chose Tamil as the second language. My aunt (Patricia aunty) was my Tamil teacher in my 11th standard. There were 8 students in Tamil class. The rest of them (80 odd students) were in French class. 

The guys always looked forward to the French classes. I did not know why. But one day when I walked past the French class room, I realised why the guys were crazy about French classes. It was because of her.

Her name was Sunita. She was the most beautiful teacher in our town. Now I know you would feel like taking a look at her picture. That is why I have added this picture of Trisha from VTV in this post.

Instead of walking past that class room, I entered the classroom and sat in the front bench. After that day, I would not attend Tamil classes.When it was time for second language classes, I would rush to the French class and sit in the front row. All the guys would be fighting for a seat in the front row.

Sunita ma'm even thought that I was her student. She only realised that I was not a student of her class when my aunt (My Tamil teacher) came to her class and dragged me out of the class. After that day, even when I was in Tamil class room, my mind would be in the French class room. 

I was hundred percent sure that none of the guys in her class understood what she taught because all of them would have been in a frozen state in her classes. The reaction given by the tutorial guys to Parimala Teacher in the movie Boss Engira Bhaskaran was somewhat similar to the reaction given by my batchmates.

If you say that it was the teenage hormones that made us behave that way, I would have to disagree with you all because our Principal Mr Williams also had a similar reaction in front of her. Usually he would talk with an Indian English accent, but while talking with her, the spirit of Lord Mountbatten would descend upon him and he would talk like a British Laaard with a Scottish accent (Inga logic paarkapudaadhu).

But all these silly crushes did not deter me from scoring a centum in Tamil in my public exam in 12th. Because I believed in three things

1) Dedication
2) Decorum
3) Discipline

On this teacher's day, I extend my sincere wishes to Sunita Ma'm. I hope that she would somehow read this blog. I hope that Mr Williams does not come across this blog page.

- Chronicwriter

Note: My Tamil score was 100 out of 200.