Tuesday, December 04, 2018

983. Sachin's masterclass spin bowling act

It was the year 1998. Everything that he touched turned to gold. I am talking about Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar. The present day cricket fans might go gaga over Dhoni and Kohli. But being a follower of the game since the 1987 world cup, I am proud to say that I am a diehard fan of Sachin.

People often talk about how he braved the Gulf storm against the Aussies, his century against a Olanga led attack, his straight drives against Bret Lee and the manner in which he mauled almost every bowler acrosss the world.

I am going to write about a match in which he won the match for India with the ball and not the bat. The mighty Australians were touring India in 1998 for a Triangular series. The poor Zimbabweans were the third team.

It was the first of April. India was playing a one day international against the Australians in Kochi. That very same month, he was going to brave the desert storm and take the Aussies for a ride. That calls for a separate post and let me not digress here.

Azharuddin won the toss and elected to bat first against the Steve Waugh led mighty Australian team. The openers Siddhu and Sachin got out for paltry scores and within the first 4 hours, India was reduced to 19 for 2. During those days, when ever Sachin got out, we would switch off the TV. But something told me to continue watching. The infamous trio of Azhar, Jadeja and Kambli blasted the ball to all corners of the ground and scored 82,105 and 32 respectively. It was a treat to watch Azhar's flicks, Jadeja's innovative batting and Kambli's footwork. Not a single six was scored; but with some fireworks from Kanitkar (the new hero in the team) the team crossed the 300 run mark which was a huge score at that time.

When Australia started chasing, Gilchrist blazed on all cylinders and they put on a century run partnership in just 10 overs. Srinath removed Mark Waugh and the debutant Agarkar removed Gilchrist.

He would go on to break Dennis Lillee's world record for the fastest 50 wickets in ODIs, achieving the feat from only 23 matches. He held the record from 1998 until 2009, when Ajantha Mendis achieved the feat from just 19 matches.

Coming back to the match, Australians still cruised on, thanks to a stellar partnership between Mark Waugh and Bevan (the greatest finisher of all time in ODIs) and crossed the 200 run mark in the 30t h over. They just had to score 100 runs in the last 20 overs. All doors were seemingly shut for India, when Azhar threw the ball at Sachin and asked him to bowl. What followed was nothing but magic in Kochi. Sachin started spinning the ball by a mile and the Australians had no answer to the magic arm of Sachin.

When Australia was cruising at 203 for 3 in 31 overs, Sachin removed Steve Waugh who was then the the best player of spin in the world. Watch how he fooled Waugh and caught him off his own bowling. (The video might take a few seconds to buffer. But it will play)

The ball started spinning like a top. He got Lehman for a LBW with a wrong one. Sachin was spinning the ball ways. The downfall has already started. The score read 223/5. Watch this video to see how Sachin bowled an offbreak to deceive Lehman.

Then Sachin was up against the greatest finisher in ODI cricket - Michael Bevan. Bevan had single handedly take Australia home on many ocassions like this. In this match also, he had scored a well timed 65 and was confident of taking the Kangaroos home. When he charged Sachin down the track to loft him for a six of the last ball of the 40th over, Tendulkar bowled well wide of his leg stump and Mongia did the rest. The greatest finisher was finished. Sachin, not only took wickets, but also stopped the run flow. The slide continued with the score reading 239/6. Watch this video where Sachin removes Bevan.

Tom Moody was removed of the very next ball bowled (The first ball of the 42nd over). He tried charging down the wicket too. But he did it against the wrong guy and got stumped. The score was 253/7 and Sachin was on a hat-trick. Check the Tom Moody dismissal here.

Warne was the man who came into bat and he managed to escape from Sachin off the hat-trick ball. Yet Sachin gave Warne a taste of his own medicine. Warne could not read Sachin at all. It was a sorry sight to see Warne struggling against a spell of spin by the little master.

Friday, November 30, 2018

982. Why do Kangaroos have pouches?

My daughter Anya has learnt this new word "Couch Potato" and she is always excited to use this word. This was a conversation between Joan and Anya.

Joan: What is a couch potato?

Anya: You should ask "Who" and not "What"

Joan: Okay! Who is a couch potato?

Anya: A couch potato is a lazy person who always sleeps in a couch

Joan: Can you name an example?

Anya: Appa is a couch potato

Joan: Why do you say so?

Anya: Because he lies down in the couch and does not give space to anyone

Joan: You can ask him to give you space

Anya: No! He is lazy and he either sleeps or watches TV by lying down on the couch

Joan: Okay! Now eat your dinner

Anya: Was Appa always a couch potato?

Joan: You should ask him that

Anya: Okay. I will ask him now

I was listening to this whole conversation from the drawing room and as I knew that Anya would come to me to ask a few questions, I had already gotten up from my usual slouching position on the couch. When Anya came to the drawing room, I was sitting upright.

Anya: Appa! Why are you sitting here?

Me: Should not I sit here?

Anya: No! You usually lie down. But now you are sitting

Me: I am sitting because I am brisk and I am smart

Anya: No you are a couch potato

Me: Why do you say that?

Anya: Because you are lazy

Me: From now on call me Smart

Anya: No! You are a couch potato only. Do you have a pouch?

Me: What?

Anya: Kangaroos have pouches to carry their kids

Me: So

Anya: They have pouches because they are couch potatoes

Me: Now who taught you this?

Anya: I learnt it myself by thinking

Me: Even If I have a pouch I am not going to carry you in that pouch because you called me a couch potato

Anya came near me and touched my tummy and said " But Appa, you have a thoppai". Now I am planning to enroll myself in a gym near my place. I decided to get a six pack in 2015. And that new year resolution was never kept. Now as 2019 is drawing near, I am adding this as number one priority in my to do list. I am not going to have any pouches anymore.


Tuesday, November 20, 2018

981. A tribute to Jim Reeves

Jim Reeves! His voice would resonate in our house every morning when I was a kid. My mother introduced his songs to me and I remember singing along with the casette player to the songs "He'll have to go, Bimbo, Across the Bridge and many more". For a long time I would confuse his voice with Tennesse Ernie Ford. 

As I had a higher vocal register, I never attempted to sing his songs. But recently after floating a quartet called Fisher Four, I started experimenting with different vocal ranges and my band mates encouraged me to try bass and baritone voices. So I started trying out some bass songs.

Recently my wife presented me with a blue yeti mic and I decided to cover the song "Welcome to my world" using the mic. Thanks to Enock annan for capturing the video using my phone and editing it too :)

A note to Jim Reeves's fans: Please forgive me. I tried my level best with my baritone voice :)


Sunday, November 18, 2018

980. Anya is introduced to cricket

Anya rules the roost with the TV remote control at home. When I was a small boy, there was only one channel available on TV and that was Doordarshan. 

All of us had no other option and hence we all saw the channel all the time. No wonder I even watched the 7 PM "Vayalum Vaazhvum show".

Now, the remote control is always with Anya and she watches the cartoon channels on TV. Some cartoons are banned for her at home because I make certain rules at home. 

But I give her company and watch Masha & Bear, Dora, Peppa Pig, Andy & Pirky and Paw Patrol along with her.

Last week I asked her if she would allow me to watch cricket on TV. I love watching sports channels on TV and luckily for me, she agreed. 

So we both sat and watched the third One day International cricket match between India and West Indies. 

She got bored after sometime; but she went on scribbling some notes in her notebook.

By the time the match was over, she had also finished scribbling. This note will be a memory for both of us as it is her first match along with me. 

Her favorite cricketer is Mandhana because she likes women cricket and is not a fan of the men in blue.


Tuesday, November 13, 2018

979. #MeToo

Disclaimer: Company is not responsible for hurting the sentiments of the readers

She: What is your view on the #MeToo issue?

Me: It is a nice thing

She: What is a nice thing?

Me: That people are finally coming out

She: How can it be nice to you?

Me: I found it as a good change

She: How can the sufferings undergone by many be a nice and good thing to you?

Me: I don't think you understood what I was saying


Me: :)


After 15 minutes

She: Are you there?

Me: I am very much here


Me: Get away with what?


Me: Where did they even find you?


Me: Oh Please. You are not making any sense at all and you are being a nuisance


Me: :)


Thursday, November 08, 2018

978. Undertaker - My favourite wrestler

I was a big fan of WWF (Now WWE). When I was a kid, I used to ace the game Trump cards. I knew every single detail of the wrestlers. Sid Justice was my favorite wrestler for a long time. 

When Undertaker made his entrance into the WWF scene, I was shocked to realise that there could be a wrestler who could actually be stronger than Sid Justice himself. 

Slowly I moved my loyalty towards Undertaker. There was a common rumour that he had 7 lives. Though I liked him, I was actually scared of him. Undertaker would make his entrance with his manager Paul Bearer who always carried an urn.

The urn had many stories attached to it. Eventually I started having bad dreams of the urn and hence I stopped drinking water from the sombu at home. 

To know what a Sombu means, click here [ link ]

When ever I entered the kitchen, I would look for the sombu near the kitchen sink; and when I saw it, I would run out of the kitchen screaming for my dear life.

This fear accompanied me even when I was in college. I would tell my friends that I would run away during my first night after wedding if my wife carried a milk sombu.

Then many wrestlers joined the WWE and left. Though I started liking many wrestlers like the Rock, Stone Cold, The HeartBreak Kid, Goldberg; my favorite was always Undertaker.

One Wrestler whom I hated a lot was the Boogeyman. He literally ate worms. I was eating maggi noodles when I first saw him on TV. I ended up puking which made me look like him.

Note: Sombu was banned at my wedding. But now I have started using the sombu

1) Who is your favourite wrestler?
2) Who is the wrestler you hate the most?

- Chronicwriter

Monday, October 22, 2018

977. Luxury Dog Breeds for sale

Two month old female Saint Bernard dog for sale.

Price : Rs. 15,000/- Only

Certificate available

Genuine buyers only

(Bachelors please excuse)


Tuesday, October 02, 2018

976. What is mom having in her hand?

"Brother! Why is Amma standing like that?

" Baby Sister! Slow down. I think she has something in her hand"

" Is she hiding icecream stick for us"

"I am not sure about the icecream part. The chances of she having a stick is more"

" But why would she have a stick?"

" She is going to punish us for some mistake that we did"

" But Brother, We did not do anything wrong"

" We are not wearing an slippers. She has asked us not to venture out without our slippers"

" Oh Yes! And we are not wearing any dress"

"Atleast I am wearing my shorts. You are just in your underwear"

"Should we run away then?"

"No! Just wait here. Let us see her facial reaction"

"Mom is smiling at us. I think it is okay to go near her"

"No! Dont fall for that smiling face dear sister! I am more experienced in this. The moment we are within arm's reach of our amma, her facial expression will automatically change"

" So what should we do? Should we ask sorry"

" Oh No! We should not give up so easily. Just have a sorry face and take one step forward"

"Okay brother! Here I go! But why have you not taken a step forward?"

" This is a strategy. You move towards the right, I will move towards the left. Mom can't catch both of us"

"But there is a wall towards your left. You can't climb the wall too. You will be cornered"

"I never thought of this. You are a genius sister"

" But anna! Did you just pee in your shorts? I can see a wet patch on your trousers"

" Yes! I drank too much of water"

Do you have a sibling? Have you had such conversations with your sibling? I have had such conversations with my sister. When I saw this picture, I could not just sit quiet. That is how this post has come to life.


Tuesday, September 18, 2018

975. How to control urine

Of all the things in the world, why this topic? I feel that this topic is important for everyone. I like to make this world a better place to live in. And I feel it is important to write this post today.

This post is dedicated to my friend Rajesh who pees everywhere - In his bed, on the road, at work place, in his pants and even while riding the bike (Vadivelu's urine tank bursting scene is also dedicated to him)

Scenario 1: Imagine you are sleeping in your bed. There is a fire in your neighbourhood ( And there is no fire extinguisher) and you decide to extinguish the fire. So you spray water and quench the fire. The dream is over and you open your eyes to see yourself in a pool of urine.

Scenario 2: Imagine you are going on a tour with your friends in a car in National highway. After 3 hours of continuous driving, the car driver stops the car to ease himself. Now you feel like opening up your bladder too

Scenario 3: Imagine you are in a conference room. Your boss is taking a presentation for more than an hour. The A/C is making everyone shiver. The water that you drank an hour ago is now waiting to be freed.

In all these scenarios, I have given a picture perfect situation where you are forced to act on your instinct. How would you handle such a situation? The following five points will help you to control urine in situations where you have no other go. The author recommends these five points only in crisis situations.

1) Shaking Stevens effect: Sit in a chair and shake your legs in a rhythmic motion. You would be able to control urine for 10 minutes. After ten minutes, increase the pace. A human being can hold urine up to 1 hour using this technique
 2) Listen to music: Do you know that listening to instrumental music can help you to hold your pee? If you do not know this fact, you should try it. 
 3) Cross your leg: You can cross your legs to control urine. But you will end up having tears in your eyes if you do so for more than 30 minutes
4) Drink lots of water: This is like treating poison with poison. Drink one bottle of water. Your bladder will start cursing you. Now you can adopt the Shaking Stevens effect to hold your bladder. This method should be tried only by professionals like the author of this page
5) Let out a silent fart: Yes! It works. If you let out a silent fart, urine puts reverse gear and goes inside your body.

I have done masters in this subject and have written many articles and even submitted a thesis on this subject as a part of my MBA dissertation (It was rejected by my jealous guide who always failed to control his urine). I am posting some of those articles here for you to read in your pee (free) time.

Article 1: A gun to your bladder [link] is a study material for students at Harvard
Article 2: Can a girl pee in public [link] is a post I wrote for women empowerment
Article 3: Nitin Gadkari's urine treatment [link] which will make the Bhakts to buy me a free ticket to Pakistan
Article 4: Cheat code to pee in public [link]

(Bachelors in Engineering in Urine Technology)

974. The struggle with writing anything online

Publishing a blog post ain't that easy anymore. I have to mentally prepare myself for a battle before even attempting to type anything on my blog these days.

Back in those days, it was easy to write a blog post. All I have to do is think of any random subject and just go with the flow. I let out my crazy creative juices in the form of words and that would just do the trick for me. But now a days humour goes through multiple filtering processes before it is accepted as humour by the common Neeta ( It is Neta. But Neeta sounds better and sweet. Hence used the word)

I do have my political stand and religious stand and that would ofcourse have its influence on my writings, even when I write humourous posts.  These days, I have to think twice before writing any line on this blog. Some of the pointers that run in my head when I type a line are 

  • Will my post hurt the sentiments of any particular religion?
  • Will this post hurt women?
  • Will it hurt the sentiments of feminists?
  • Will it hurt the sentiments of Naam Tamlar fans?
  • Will I have to bear the brunt of Modi Bhakths?
Yes I can fight tooth and nail to respond to those who have a different stand against mine. But would that be of any help to any one apart from fueling our egos? The answer is No.

So the point I am trying to make here is that I have moved far away from my brand of humour because of various reasons; some of which are stated above. Fans of a popular actor forced me to shut this blog down for a week when I wrote a film review about his film. But I am not going to give a damn about what others think. Do you know why I don't give a damn anymore?

Because I am none other than Echa Raja's admin. Now don't ask me if the voice in the video was mine? I leave it for the court to decide on it.


Monday, September 17, 2018

973. Five similarities between me and a lion

I was watching discovery channel where I saw a Lion hunting down a deer and devouring its flesh. It was a Bodhi tree moment for me. I told myself "If that Lion could eat meat, I can eat meat too".  Now don't you tell me that I am not a lion. I have five similarities with the lion.

  1. I am scared of porcupines too
  2. The Lion's backteeth ( carnassals) are sharp like a pair of scissors. My teeth are sharp too. The sugarcanes I havedevoured in my lifetime stand a testimony to the strength of my teeth. I have also bitten 12 people in my life. All of them had to take TT injections.
  3. The lion has a tasseled tail. I have one too. Next time, you meet me, I will show the tail
  4. The lion can kill insects with their fart. Mine can kill human beings too
  5. The lion can sleep up to 20 hours a day. You have to see how I spend my saturdays and you will accept that I am a lion
In fact my dad actually wanted to name me "Lion". But when my mother told him that the folks from the zoo would catch me and take me to the zoo, he changed his mind and named me Prason Christopher Robin. Now having made it clear that I am more or less the lion of the concrete jungle, I can proudly make my claim that I can eat meat too. This includes beef. Eating beef might be banned in India sometime in the future. 

When that day arrives, I will become a vegetarian and transform myself into a goat that eats shrubs and plantation. I don't have any similarities with the goat. Well I can moo like a pregnant goat. It is tough for me to transform myself into a goat. But if that is what the nation wants, I will indeed change because change is the only constant. (Puriyala dhaaney? Same pinch)

If you have read so far, all I can tell you is that you have to bear with me for some more time because I am closing in towards my 1000th blog.


Monday, September 10, 2018

972. A lesson on respecting elders

In the tamil movie Kushi, the actor Vijay would call his mom by her name. He would not address her as Amma!. When his friend asks him why he calls her Geetha instead of calling her with respect, he would say that Geetha is her name and names have to be used for calling.
When I saw this explanation given by Vijay, I got a little excited. I went to my mom, tapped her on the shoulder and said "Hi Shoba". Immediately I heard a loud noise. It seemed like the power went off. When I opened my eyes, I was experiencing pain on my cheeks

The next week, I went to my class with my mom's hand imprints on my cheeks

Moral: Respect elders


Wednesday, September 05, 2018

971. Teachers day wishes to French Ma'm - Ms Sunita

It is teachers day today and everyone are dedicating a post for their favorite teacher. So here is my dedication to a teacher I liked the most when I was in school. 

She never took any classes for me. But I was always found in her class. The other teachers iterally had to drag me out of her class all the time.

In the Tamilnadu education system, in State board syllabus, we had the opportunity to choose between French and other subjects as the second language in 11th standard. Usually people selected French because it was easy to score good marks.

But being the guy who loved his mother tongue, I chose Tamil as the second language. My aunt (Patricia aunty) was my Tamil teacher in my 11th standard. There were 8 students in Tamil class. The rest of them (80 odd students) were in French class. 

The guys always looked forward to the French classes. I did not know why. But one day when I walked past the French class room, I realised why the guys were crazy about French classes. It was because of her.

Her name was Sunita. She was the most beautiful teacher in our town. Now I know you would feel like taking a look at her picture. That is why I have added this picture of Trisha from VTV in this post.

Instead of walking past that class room, I entered the classroom and sat in the front bench. After that day, I would not attend Tamil classes.When it was time for second language classes, I would rush to the French class and sit in the front row. All the guys would be fighting for a seat in the front row.

Sunita ma'm even thought that I was her student. She only realised that I was not a student of her class when my aunt (My Tamil teacher) came to her class and dragged me out of the class. After that day, even when I was in Tamil class room, my mind would be in the French class room. 

I was hundred percent sure that none of the guys in her class understood what she taught because all of them would have been in a frozen state in her classes. The reaction given by the tutorial guys to Parimala Teacher in the movie Boss Engira Bhaskaran was somewhat similar to the reaction given by my batchmates.

If you say that it was the teenage hormones that made us behave that way, I would have to disagree with you all because our Principal Mr Williams also had a similar reaction in front of her. Usually he would talk with an Indian English accent, but while talking with her, the spirit of Lord Mountbatten would descend upon him and he would talk like a British Laaard with a Scottish accent (Inga logic paarkapudaadhu).

But all these silly crushes did not deter me from scoring a centum in Tamil in my public exam in 12th. Because I believed in three things

1) Dedication
2) Decorum
3) Discipline

On this teacher's day, I extend my sincere wishes to Sunita Ma'm. I hope that she would somehow read this blog. I hope that Mr Williams does not come across this blog page.

- Chronicwriter

Note: My Tamil score was 100 out of 200. 

Thursday, August 16, 2018

970. Just mom things

Mothers love their children. That is true. Nothing to deny this fact. But moms do crazy stuff that will make you cringe.

If putting you in your place is an art, my mom is a Picasso in it.  If you are reading this, you might be able to relate with this post.

1. My mom always bought me clothes with a futuristic thought. When I was eight years old, she would buy me clothes that I was supposed to wear when I turned ten. Her common logic would be " You will grow soon and the shirt will become small in no time". If I still argue with her, she would quickly throw the googly " The clothes will shrink after the first two wash. Hence we should buy bigger size clothes". 

2) To avoid this trouble with ready made clothes, I started prefering custom made shirts from a tailor near my house. My mom would accompany me to the tailor shop. When he takes measurement, she would say " Keep an extra inch. He will put on weight".

My mom's dream of me putting on weight and growing up in stature, never came true. I still look like a college kid.
3) When she feels that the weather is cold, she would make me wear the sweater. I hated the month of December. I would be wearing a sweater all the time.

4) She had a knack of counselling others and empathising with them. When her friends come to her asking for parenting advice, she gives them the best advice.

Rani aunty (Name changed): My 7 year old son still wets the bed. What should I do?
My mom: Don't worry. Give him less water to drink before he sleeps. My son Prason used to wet the bed even when he was in class 6
5) When I was in college, I used to take my friends to my house. On one ocassion, my mom was showing them my childhood album

Reena: Aunty who is this boy in his underwear?
My mom: That is Prason! At least in this picture, he is wearing an underwear. He would always run around the house like Archimedes when he was a kid. 

A picture with my mom taken when I was 23 years old.

Some of the common words that she used to utter when I was a kid are flashing across my mind now

  • Prason! How many times have I told you not to enter the house with your mud feet after playing in the ground. Go wash your legs
  • PRASON! It is 7 am! Get out of your bed! NOW
  • Prason! Go flush the toilet
  • Prason! Did you eat the IDLIS. or did you flush them down the toilet?
  • Prason! Did you pee on the bathroom floor? You should pee only in the toilet and not in the shower.
  • Prason! Did you eat the Dairy Milk bar from the fridge? 
  • Prason! Did you put a wet spoon inside the Boost bottle?
I can go on and on with this. But I am stopping it right here. What are the darndest things, your mom has said?


Tuesday, July 10, 2018

968. A few seconds before happiness

If you search on the internet using the phrase " A few seconds before happiness", you will be seeing this picture taken in the year 1955. 

You might have also seen this picture on Instagram and as forwarded messages. Today, my friend Madhu sent me this picture. She knows I love dogs.

This picture immediately pulled me back to my childhood. I was 10 years old then. We used to live in Chellakan street in water tank road in Nagercoil.

The uncles in that street were fond of me. All of them knew that I loved dogs. There was this Gabriel thatha who would come home every evening and teach songs to my sister and me. He also told me stories about puppies.

Then there was this thatha called Devadoss. My mom used to call him uncle and hence I also called him uncle. On 1st April 1993, he came and pressed the door bell. I went and welcomed him.

Just look at this picture here. That is how I welcomed him. He was holding something in his hand. I thought he had some chocolate in his hand. But then he brought it forward and there was this little fur bundle. A cream cockerspaniel puppy.

We named him Bubbly because he was Bubbly. He lived for exactly 10 years and Bubbly was literally a part of my life. Read more about Bubbly here [link]. After Bubbly passed away, I could never fathom the idea of having a pet dog in my house because the void left behind by him is something that I have not come to terms with even now.

Today, there are around 5 street dogs that sleep in front of my house and they will not let any strangers near my house. My daughter Anya is asking me to get her a pet dog. I am still contemplating. Probably she might be having her " a few seconds before happiness" moment soon.

- Chronicwriter

Thursday, June 28, 2018

967. Ignorance is bliss

This image captures my performance in my bachelor of engineering degree in the best way possible. 

I scraped through that 4 year course without having a clue about "Electronics and Instrumentation Engineering". 

Now I work in an IT firm as a marketing head. This is what Engineering does to many people in my country.

I loved mathematics during my school days. But Engineering made me hate that subject. I still remember the name "A. Singaravelu". 

We literally had to study the books he wrote to clear Basic Engineering mathematics, Laplace theorem, Fourier transforms. 

All these are con names of mathematics papers that attacked us in each semester. After every mathematics exam, my reaction was similar to that of Mr. Yogi's  in this  picture. At least some of us get over this confused state and walk out of it when we start working.

But there are few lovely souls who still linger in the same wavelength even when they become the EVP of their workplace. No I am not taking a dig at the person you have in mind. May be I am.


966. Keep your respect with yourself

At times we feel like showing our respect and gratitude to those we admire and look up to. That does not mean, that we need to show that respect always for everyone to see. At times, we can keep that respect with ourselves. It will not only preserve our sanity; but also avoid cringe-worthy situations for others.

Shankar was the comedian in the 8th standard C section class. He made a fool of himself when ever he tried to string a sentence in English. Back in those days, officers from the board of education will make surprise visits to schools to access how well the teachers are teaching. So one day, when they made the surprise visit, the board representative chose Shankar to interview him about the class and the class teacher.

Board Representative: What is your favorite subject

Shankar: Maths

Board Representative: So tell me what is the square root of 16

Shankar: _______________ (Blank look)

Board Representative:  Does your teacher teach you well

Shankar: He hardly teaches us (He actually meant that the teacher is a hard worker and he teaches us well)

The board representative took the teacher aside, spoke with him in a stern tone and left.

Fast forward to the year 2017. Shankar has now successfully completed his bachelors program. Nothing has changed much with respect to his language skills. He is now given the responsibility to welcome the chief guest of the graduation ceremony. He goes on the stage and opens with the line

Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Today we have an impotent man among us.

(He actually meant "Important"). Remember the Balatkar joke from the movie "Three Idiots"? A similiar scene has finally become a reality. After his welcome speech, he walks down the stage with his head held high. The tamasha did not stop there. When his turn came to receive the award, he thought of seeking the blessings from the chief guest while receiving the award. The above picture captures this blessed moment. 


Tuesday, June 12, 2018

965. How I fought my drug addiction problem in college.

In my first year of college I met this guy called Sundar. If you wanna know more about Sundar, all you have to do is watch the Tamil movie Kaadhal, and look out for a character called Virutchagakanth. He is that unassuming character whom we would never ever in our wildest dreams think of as a bad influence for us. Little did we know that he would change the fate of 5 guys in college. 

Sundar, single handedly spoilt all 5 of us. I had never tasted a drop of alcohol till that moment. But as I did my college in Pondicherry, alcohol eventually found me. Sundar never made me drink alcohol. Alcohol was my own personal choice. 

People in my close circle would know that I was addicted to drugs during my college days. Sundar was the stash supplier for all of us. It all started in the fall of 1999. I know we dont have a climate called "fall". I just wanted to sound cool in my blog. 

So It was sometime in the month of October. On a cold and hot sultry night ( Don't give me that look. That is how those nights were) , I was preparing notes for Basic Engineer Mathematics ( I flunked in that paper) paper, when I heard someone knocking my hostel room door.

It was Sundar. His eyes were red and he was smiling. I ushered him inside the room and he was sweating profusely. I knew something was wrong.

" Enna machi aachu? ( What happened bro?) " 
" Nothing much da! I am just high" 
"Are you drunk?" 
"No, I snorted 10 grams of Cocaine" 
"What! Is not that a drug?" 
"Yes! I am now high and I can see the 7th dimension?" (Appavey avan Christopher Nolan-kku tough koduthaan
" What is that?" 
" You will not understand" 
"Tell me please na" 
" You have to experience that to understand it" 
"But I am scared to take drugs" 
"Smoking is injurious to health macha! But Cocaine is just like sugar" 
" Will I behave weird and odd once I snort it in?" 
"No! Am I behaving odd? I am just high. You can try this pack"

He pulled out a small pack from his pocket, unwrapped it and there it was. I was seeing Cocaine for the first time in my life.

"How should I snort it in?"

He immediately pulled out a broken Reynolds pen and asked me to insert one end of the pen inside my nostril. There was a small hole in one end. It acted like a straw. Then he asked me to snort it in one go. 

When I was about to snort the powder, he stopped me and said that the pack would cost me Rs 10/- He said that it was usually in thousands; but because he had a cousin who has contacts with the underworld, he could buy that imported Cocaine from Brazil. 

I gave him a  Ten Rupee note. He gave a kiss to Gandhi thatha. Then I snorted that Cocaine in. I felt as if I was floating in the air. I actually felt as if two ladies were holding my hand and walking in a cushion laden road. I started to smile too. Sundar and i giggled till we slept off that night. Eventually I started to yearn for Cocaine and every week we started snorting Cocaine. 

This 'once a week' habit became an alternate day habit and eventually we were snorting Cocaine on a daily basis. We even went to our classes under the influence of drugs. Five of us had become drug addicts in our college. Cocaine was in our veins and no one could tell that we were under the influence of drugs because we acted normal even when we were high.

There was no stopping us. Even though I flunked in one of the papers, I eventually cleared that paper and even started scoring great marks in all semesters. I was literally my department topper when I entered the seventh semester in college. 

That night, we were waiting for Sundar to bring us some stash. Even after waiting for a long time, he did not arrive. So I walked up to his room and knocked on his door. He was not in his room. But the door was open. 

I walked inside the room and found some aluminium foil, a hammer and some newspapers in his table.  I heard someone walking towards the room. I thought it was the hostel warden. I did not want to be caught with drugs in my hand and hence I went and hid behind the cupboard in the room.

The door opened and Sundar walked inside the room with strips of tablets. He locked the door and opened all the tablets and placed them in the aluminium foil and started to powder them with the hammer. He then packed them in the newspaper and went out of the room.

I knew that he was going to supply Cocaine to my friends who were waiting for it in my room. So I decided to follow him too. As I came out of the cupboard, my instincts told me to check the tablet strip. It was VITAMIN C tablets (Celin).

I had my heart in my mouth. So this guy Sundar had cheated us for 4 years by giving us Vitamin C powder on a daily basis. That was when reality hit me. We acted normally all those years because we were never ever high. I was angry with Sundar because he had already pocketed hundreds of Rupees, not only from me; but also from my friends.

Note: Please do not tell anyone that I was a drug addict in my college days. Adhu enakku asingam illai. Adhu ungalukku dhaan asingam. 

Additional Note: Due to large amount of Vitamin C in my body, I seldom caught a cold during my college days


Monday, June 11, 2018

964. Jurassic Park - The scariest movie I have ever seen

I have seen Evil dead, The Exorcist, Exorcism of Emily Rose, Child's Play and many more Horror movies in my life. I have never ever been scared. In fact when I watched "The Omen", I just treated it like a comedy film.

But one movie that scared the living daylights out of me has to be Jurassic Park. I watched the movie in a movie hall. We never had the habit of watching a movie in a movie hall. In fact the first movie I watched in a movie hall was "The Ten commandments". I was a small boy at that time and I slept off in the movie hall.

The second movie I watched in the movie hall was Jurassic Park. I watched it in Nagercoil in the legendary Pioneer Muthu movie hall. I added the above picture for a reason. That scene is what made me almost shit in my pants. Those two dinosaurs chased two little children and while watching that thrilling scene, I literally pulled my legs up and placed them on the chair because I feared that a dinosaur might creep from under the chair and bite my legs.

The two little children would scamper around the room to flee from the dinosaurs and eventually they would escape from the room through the ceiling. When the boy is pulled up through a hole in the ceiling, a dinosaur would jump to bite his legs off. That was the precise moment, I felt warmness in my pants. My bladder gave up and I peed in the seat.

Even today, when I watch the movie, I remember this scene and it still scares me big time.

- Chronicwriter

963. Why I did not become a policeman

I always wanted to become a cop.I had a fascination for guns and policemen. Late in the year 1985, my folks took me to an exhibition. I was just three years old at that time. 

As we were approaching the entrance, I saw a policeman. I was holding my father's hands and taking tiny steps. I freed myself from my father's grasp, ran up to the cop and poked his butt with my tiny fingers and shouted " Appa! Is this a Policeman?"

My father did not know what to do. He ran towards me, picked me up, apologized to the cop and walked away. I was angry with my dad because he had not yet answered my question. 

"Appa! I want to see that gun"

"No! That is a real gun. I will buy you a toy gun"

"Okay. Appa"

He kept his word. We came out of the exhibition with lot of goodies. My mom had bought lot of kitchen household items. My sister had a doll in her hand and I had a gun in my hand. As I walked out of the exhibition, I pointed the gun at the policeman and said "Hands up". He smiled at me. 

I had a doubt and asked my dad in a loud voice "Why does that police man have a big tummy?"

My dad closed my mouth and walked out at a faster pace. I was angry because my dad did not bother to answer my second question too. 

I assumed that the policeman had big tummies because they hid ammunition for their guns in their stomach. At that young age, I thought that belly button is the entrance point through which they push bullets inside the tummy.

I tried to push a nail inside my tummy too because I thought iron nails were nothing but bullets used in guns. That landed me in hospital.

Even when I used to play the game " Robber and Police" with my friends, I always chose to be the police. I liked to wear a cap and chase robbers. During one police chase, I became too hyper, and ended up kicking the robber in his head. Too much of Vijaykanth and Jackie Chan movies made me do that. My folks made me stop watching action movies after that.

When I entered college, I started riding a bike. The traffic police always had a ball and I ended up paying fines at regular intervals even when I followed all traffic rules. That is when I decided not to become a cop in life.  

Now I am putting a lot of weight around my tummy. I think I might become a police officer sometime in the future.


Wednesday, June 06, 2018

962. No Plastics in TamilNadu after 2019

When the Tamil Nadu Government announced that they will ban disposable plastics from Jan 2019, I was pleasantly surprised and happy. I was hundred percent sure that Scientist Sellur would have been behind this decision. 

The ban excludes using disposable plastic for packaging milk, curd, oil and medical utilities. So we can still pollute the environment by throwing these plastics around.

The Industries that will b heavily affected by this ban are

1) Supermarkets

Supermarkets rely heavily on branded plastic bags. They have a big bunch of plastic bags at the billing counter. Now these bags have to be replaced by cloth or paper bags. The percentage of customers who visit the supermarket will definitely fall in 2019. E-tailers will have a great growth in their market-share in 2019. It is time for shops to venture into the E-tailing space soon.

2) Catering services

The plastic cups and plates will also be banned in 2019. So caterers will have to use paper cups or leaf cups. Marriage reception costs will go high and caterers will invariably charge high for this change. Plastic straws will be off the radar too. Tender coconut sellers will have to find alternate means to sell their products. And lovers will no more be able to drink from two straws in the same coconut.

3) Political parties

Plastic flags will also be banned. Party flags will now have to be in cloth or paper. The spend on flags will by political parties will have to change drastically. 


Plastic sachets for packaged drinking water will also be banned. Lower income people will find it difficult to mix sarakku while drinking. They will start to drink raw henceforth.

5) Silicone Implants

I am not sure about this. But plastic surgeons might be able to answer this.

Now you know why Pamela Anderson's image is used in this blog. It is because she has a plastic floating device in her hand in the picture. Neenga enna nenacheenga?


Monday, June 04, 2018

961. Three decisions that changed the face of TamilNadu

January 1968 should go into the record books as a memorable event in TamilNadu history. The country was facing a major turmoil.

The Cauvery tribunal board was not yet finalised. But the tension and animosity between the two southern states was on an all time high.

At this time, three major amendments to the constitution of the South Indian party was made.

DMK leaders K. A. Mathialagan, V.P. Raman, C.N. Annadurai, A.A. Arumugam and M. Karunanidhi with Swatantara Party founder C. Rajagopalachari (Rajaji) met together at a function and concluded on three major decisions which eventually changed the face of TamilNadu politics.

First decision: The politicians should always wear veshti for political events. Till date when ever there is a political party meeting, they always wear white veshti.

Second decision: The second decision was to field Mathialagan as a candidate in Thousand lights constituency. He went on to win three elections in the constituency and served as the Finance Minister, Minister of Food, Revenue and Commercial Taxes in the Tamil Nadu government and Speaker of the Tamil Nadu Legislative Assembly.

Third decision: A.A. Arumugam was responsible for the third decision. He knew that bribery and fraudulence was at its peak in the party. He decided to curb it. While heated discussion was going on between Rajaji and Annadurai, A.A. Arumugam beckoned Karunanidhi and told the three important words " Alert Aayikodaa Arumugam". Later on he was fondly remembered as Alert Arumugam by his party cadres.

Spot Alert Arumugam in the above picture


Wednesday, May 30, 2018

960. Five myths about bed wetting

Warning: Reader excretion is necessary for reading this post

Clarification: Yes! You read it right. You need to read this blog in an empty stomach; because it will make the food in your body knock the back door while you are reading this blog

Relief: If you are suffering from constipation, you will feel alright by the time you finish reading this blog. You might need a cork to stop the flow

Confession: Last night I got in touch with my inner child. I realized he was a bed wetter.

Now you know what this blog is gonna be about.

I have written a lot about bed wetting and about my history with this art form.

This post is about the top 5 myths about bed wetting.

Myth #1
Bedwetting is a hereditary problem

It is a myth. My friend Reena’s mother stopped bedwetting when she was a child. Her father also stopped bed wetting when he was small. But Reena still wets her bed. She is 29. If you ask me how I know that, the image below is the answer

Myth #2
Children wet the bed because they’re deep sleepers

My friend Vijay wets his bed not because he is a deep sleeper; but because he is lazy to get out of bed and go to the loo.

Myth #3
Your child will “outgrow” bedwetting and accidents if you wait it out.


Haha! I am 36. Do you think I outgrew that habit. Poda Ponga! Pulla kuttigala padikka vainga

Now you would know why I leave the towel in my bed most of the time. 

Are you still searching for the 4th and the 5th myth? They are nothing but myths.


Tuesday, May 29, 2018

959. My class room love story

Dedicated to the pink mangoes

It was the year 1988. I was 6 years old then and I was in class 2. I was already deep in love with Renu. Shabir was already the most hated boy in my life. Those who read this blog would have already known how much I love(d) Renu. But none of you know how much sadness I used to carry in my little tiny heart at such a young age because of the quantum of hurt she inflicted on it. This post explains how I survived all such hurt and still live to tell those tales.

Renu was the class monitor when I was in class 2. I used to sit in the front bench.

The benches were small and two students could sit in one bench.

I used to sit with Nisha.

Renu would sit behind me and Shabir would sit next to her.

Every now and then I would turn and look at them because I never trusted Shabir.

When ever I turned to look at them, Shabir would place his arms on Renu's shoulders and that would break my tiny heart into many pieces.

Tears would immediately well up in my eyes.

The class teacher will ask me why I was having tears in my eyes.

I would tell her it is because of the chalk piece dust and she would tell that she was sorry.

Shabir would have a wry smile on his face all this while.

Nisha, who used to sit next to me would notice all this and one day she gave me the idea to have my revenge on Shabir.

When our class teacher was not in the class, it was Renu's duty to mind the class as she was the class representative.

Nisha gave me the idea to make Shabir talk so that Renu would write his name on the board.

This would mean that the teacher would eventually punish Shabir.

I thanked Nisha for her idea and we decided to somehow make Shabir talk out loud.

So the next period, when the teacher was not in class, I rolled up a small piece of paper and flicked it at Shabir when he was not noticing me.

It hit his neck and he understood that the paper had come from the first row.

His doubts zeroed down towards me.

There was pin drop silence in the class all this while and suddenly Shabir screamed at the top of his voice "Chriz! that was you. right?"

I looked at him with an innocent face (The same look that Nithyananda had when he said that it wasn't him)

Renu wrote Shabir's name on the black board.

When the class teacher returned, she saw Shabir's name on the board.

She got furious with him and punished him with the wooden ruler.

Shabir started to cry and as he came and sat in his bench, Renu touched his shoulder and told him that she was sorry.

He now did some over acting and cried even more. She wiped his tears away and told him that she would give him a Maha Lacto sweet the next day.

He wiped his tears and with a wry smile winked at me

That was the day I learnt the story that you can use your sad story to hit on a girl.

I left school that evening with a heavy heart. 


Tuesday, May 15, 2018

958. The legend of Ramar - Athadi Enna Udambi

Vadivelu Balaji and Robo Shankar are two forces that took the Vijay TV comedy scene by storm after the fall out of the Lollu Sabha series. These two could make anyone laugh and they were mainly responsible for the humongous success of Adhu Idhu Edhu.

When these two guys were reaching their peak, another Tamil scholar from a place called Madurai made people to turn around and notice him with his effortless “Enna ma ippadi panreengaley ma” dialogue which became a cult hit. People started searching his name on YouTube.

Ramar anna became a household name. These days, all he has to do is just make his appearance and people automatically start laughing. His trademark body language, lady getups, reverse moon walk, and his songs have taken silver screen comedy to a whole new level.

His spoof show “Ramar veetu kalyaanam” will eat up all the TRPs in the Tamil TV network history. Having praised him too much here, I would like to draw your attention to this video - Ramar’s “Athadi enna udambi”.

99% percentage of Tamil movie lovers would not have heard this song till Ramar came up with his version. The song “ Athadi enna udambu” is a song that was featured in the movie Sindhu Nathi Poo. The song had a meagre 1500 views on YouTube. But when Ramar’s version of the same song became popular crossing 4 million views in record time, people started to search for the original song. 

The manner in which he says udambi for udambu and palli for pallu will make anyone to roll on the floor laughing. To add to his singing prowess (which is a jazz version of the song), he also dances between the words to make it even more comical.

Ramar can sometimes become vulgar with his talk. But if we knock that off and start appreciating the humour he delivers, one can assuredly say that he has reserved a special place for himself in Tamil comedy.

- Chronicwriter