Friday, March 18, 2016

784. Step by Step tutorial of Mars Attack

When ISRO had their successful Mars Mission in 2014, I came up with a brilliant art form called "Mars Attack" in my world famous art blog. Click this [link] to see the world famous artwork that was sold for USD 420,000.

People around the globe wanted to know how I came up with such a brilliant art. I kept it as a secret. But I can't keep this as a secret. For the friends with benefit of the readers, I am going to reveal the step by step process of creating this art.

Step 1: Open MS Paint and draw three lines as shown in the picture below. The smallest line should have a curve that resembles Tamanna's iduppu.

Step 2: Now put an inverted cone icecream (sans the icecream, because ice urugidum) on top of this dappa that you drew in step 1.  Add cones in two colors. One sumaal cone and Big cone.

Step 3: Now patha vachufy some neruppu in Tamanna's iduppu to give the aduppu effect. The rocket is ready to be launched

Step 4: Now you have to give the destination clearly. So use paintbrush and draw the word "Mars". The destination is very important

Step 5: Give the Zrrrrr effect for the rocket to be propelled out into space.

The Zrrrrrr effect is mandatory for escape velocity. This is 10th standard physics subject unearthed from my varalaaru.

The art work is ready. You can send me emails and females to as a note of thanks for this tutorial.

Bharat Mata Ki Jai! (Idhu sollalanaa ulla thooki pottuduvaanga)

Additional edited Note: Meera Shiva asked me how Tamanna's iduppu could be related to this post. For the benefit of readers who have such a doubt, I am attaching Tamanna's iduppu picture 

- Chronicwriter

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

783. Kids say the darndest things

Warning: Though this post is about kids, it has some content that talk explicitly about private parts. If you are not comfortable reading explicit usage of private parts, please don't read this post.

I am a sucker for the Art Linkletter/ Bill Cosby show "Kids say the darndest things". I guess all of us love to listen to what kids have to say. I have a 3 and a half year old daughter who surprises me all the time by saying the funniest and weirdest things all the time.  The Bill Cosby show is adapted into Tamil also where Imman Annachi does a decent show with the kids. Kids are adorable and at times they are dangerous too. Last week a child shot his own mother from the rear. We never know what they would say or do. These points mentioned in this post is a testimony of how dangerous these kids are.

1) Never ever make funny faces at kids in a shopping mall. The kid might spit on your face.

2) When the kid is sitting on an elevated platform, never go and stand closer to the kid and tease them. If they kick, chances are that they might kick you right between your legs where it hurts.

3) While sitting close to a kid in a bench in a public place like a play ground or a place of worship, never ever fart (even silently). The kid might shout out loud saying "This uncle just let out a fart".

4) When a kid has a stone in his hand, you should respect him. You would not want the kid to hurl the stone at your car windshield.

5) When he parks his tricycle in the middle of the road blocking your car, you are supposed to request him to move the cycle. If you plan to take matters into your own hands, by moving the tricycle without seeking permission from the kid, chances are that you might never find answer to the sudden appearance of scratches on your car door.

6) Home alone and Baby's day out are not children movies. They are dangerous movies and they should be banned. My daughter watched Home alone, the other day and the house is now full of traps.

The above 6 points are personally tried and tested by me.

Now let me take time to share some of the funny stories narrated by some of my friends.

7) Minal Kusum, a FB friend of mine has the following information about her son

My 4 year old was in the shower and yelled, "MOM! I found my brains!" while squeezing his testicles.

8) Lisa Wells shares her story

My husband was in the shower, and our (then 3yr old) daughter had to go pee. I told her to go ahead and go. When she was done, she flung open the shower curtain to tell daddy something, he screams a little high pitched scream and pulled the shower curtain shut, and told her to get out. She comes out, looks at me very seriously, and says "mommy, I saw daddy's penis. It was huge!" She then spent the rest of the day telling any one and every one "my daddy has a huge penis!" So. Embarrassing

9) Melanie Mayer who works in the day care shares the following story
I work in daycare and a 2 year old was very interested in breasts because his mother was nursing a new baby. After telling me I had "nice big boobies" and I said "oh thanks" (because I didn't know what else to say lol) he looked at me and said, "Are they for feeding all the babies over there?"
Like I was the daycare wet nurse lol

10) My cousin told me the funniest conversation she had with her then 5 year old son:

 "mom, if i have a penis in the front, then the back must be my poonis, right?" lol Genius really. I love how little mind work.

11) Kids imitate and just copy everything from elders. Vera Pol a 28 year old mother of a 2 year old boy has some interesting stuff to share
My 2yr old heard the shower turn off he asked if I was finished having a shower I said yes he said "Mum, did you wash your balls"

12) My Chinese friend Amy Young has this funny incident to share
We took my niece to the beach when she was 2 and she removed her bathing suit and diaper while my back was turned. My 5 year old son said " look mom she is showing her fine china". Later after I thought about it I figured out he meant vagina.

13) Kristie, a pen pal has this funny story to share
My daughter was 7 when her new baby brother was born and when his belly button fell off she pointed to his wee and asked "when is that gonna fall off" hahahaha


Monday, March 07, 2016

782. Please hide the Kondai in your mandai

Well, today, I did some detective work after a long time. I have close to 5000 friends on Facebook and because of this huge number of friends in my FB ID, I am not able to add more friends to my list as the pending Friends request list has also swelled up to more than 1000. But I constantly check the friends request I get and also read all the messages in my other folder.

Yesterday, when I received a friend request from an ID called "Kathy Joan", I just started laughing because I immediately recognised that face from a dubsmash video I had watched in the recent past. What caught my attention was that I had three mutual friends with that ID.

A simple image search of the image used in the profile gave the following results.

So from an initial analysis, I figured out that this was a fake ID. But why would a fake ID target us? And what about the 3 mutual friends? When I looked into the profiles of the 3 mutual friends, I figured out that all 3 of them are from the same locality where I live (or have been in that locality) and all 3 of them have a musical background.

The profile also read that the person was working in RBS, Chennai. I called up both the bank and the MBA college and came to know no such person works there by that name.

One more detailed search of the friends list brought me closer and narrowed my analysis to two people. At first I thought it must be a guy who is posing as a girl. But with a detailed analysis, I have zeroed down my doubts on two people - 1 is a guy and 1 is a girl.

The irony is that I talk well with both these people. I don't want to name them here. They may have used the fake ID to see how I chat with a girl. They might have added the common friends to do the same too. 

My humble request is, when you create a fake ID, "please hide the kondai in your mandai". I am not angry with you. I am just having a laugh at your efforts. Better luck next time



Friday, March 04, 2016

781. Magic Potion of an Influencer

One of the advantages of being a public speaker is that you get lot of opportunities to talk to an audience. Any advantage comes with a pack of challenges too. The challenges that I face while speaking are

1) Talking to a special target audience about whom you have no clue of
2) When the crowd has a doubt whether I am the actual speaker when they see my small stature (Till I open my mouth)
3) When I have to control my sarcasm and speak with a serious face

Recently I was invited to Inspire a group of Doctors from Indira Gandhi Dental College in Pondicherry. At first  I was shocked because I have not handled a session for Doctors in my entire life. I usually handle sessions for MBA colleges, Engineering colleges and IT professionals. I still wanted to take the challenge and test those waters. The topic I suggested was "Magic Potion of an Influencer".

Being an engineer with an MBA degree and doing a job that has nothing to do with my engineering degree nor my MBA (full time writer) has taught me to take up unexplored territories and this talk was the first of its kind. Thanks to my brother John Joshua who captured pictures from this talk, I am able to blog about this.

I have added 16 pictures from the talk in this post.  These 16 pictures will explain this blog post

1) The talk was scheduled on 20th February 2016 in Pondicherry.  I finally opened up my laptop on 19th February night and started working on the PPT. Preparing that PPT that night took me back to my college days and reminded me of the night before the exams

2) This photo was taken in the HOD - Dr. Manohar's cabin as soon as I landed in their college on 20th morning. I started at 5 am from Chennai and after the 3 hour drive, I was almost dozing off.

3) That is Dr. Manohar who was kind enough to invite a crazy guy like me to speak to doctors in the college.

4) When I went to the podium, I also realized that most of the students were asked to come for the talk amidst their college sports day celebrations. Imagine having a talk on a Saturday morning and that too when you have your sports day. I knew that I had to put up my best show to keep them active and not end up cursing me.

5) A portion of the audience at the beginning of the talk. They were awake. I spoke on four points " Leadership traits, technology for doctors, Team fit and Work-Life balance".

6) 15 minutes into the talk, they were still awake. I was speaking about the technology apps that doctors could use

7) 30 minutes into the talk and they have not slept yet. This was half way through my talk and all this while I was talking in a very serious tone. My alter ego was playing within me and was forcing me to turn this into a standup comedy stage; but I kept my serious tone intact.

8) Just when I realized that they needed some action, some of the doctors were pulled up to play a game on "team fit". I guess they had fun.

9) Standing behind the podium for a long time might have made the audience to think that my building is strong but basement could be weak. To prove them wrong, I came forward

10) But when my legs started shivering, I went back and hid behind the podium. This is where I introduced and talked about my friend "Bragadeesh Prasanna". He has become a part of my powerpoint slides in all my talks these days

11) Finally I concluded with a song. I was contemplating whether I should invite some doctors and do salsa with them or just sing a song for them. I chose the latter to leave them with a smile

12) This was from one of the walk around sessions during the talk, when the students were asked to give details about Sunny Leone. None of them knew who she was

13) After the talk was over, I also happened to meet Dr. Sai- the surgeon from Pondicherry along with my brothers Ezra and John. Ezra and John accompanied me to Pondcherry. Dr. Sai is a witty person

14) Talking about world peace with Dr, Sai. We formulated strategies to spread world peace. It was a violent strategy which will be implemented soon after consultation with our Sanga Thalaivi - Rose

15) A picture of Ezra and John when we stopped on the road side on our way back to Chennai to drink Nongu

16) Finally parked my bum on the road to feel the heat. It was hot and the hot road left his tar on my pants.

Did I influence the college students? You should ask them because I seriously have no clue.

If you seriously want me to book for a talk in your college, just shoot a mail to Weekends vettiyaadhaan irukkurein. Juice vaangi kodutheengana podhum