Dec 31, 2016

818. New year revolutions

New year resolutions (or is it revolutions?) are like Prime Minister Modi's plans. They keep on changing every single day. If you are a Modi fan, you might be already frowning at this blog post. That is definitely not a great way to open a blog post :)



I have stopped making new year resolutions because I have realized that I end up breaking them within 24 hours; but this year I have decided to have some. If Modi can make plans, why can't I?

1) I will wash my underwear daily: This year I will wash my underwear daily. I request everyone to follow the same with your respective underwear too. I know my friend Srijith does not wash his underwear at all. But I want him to wash his underwear atleast once a week. This does not apply to Robert because he never wears them

2) I will start playing computer games: When it comes to computer games, I am outdated. The last set of computer games I played happened 15 years ago when I played Prince of Persia, Dave, Solitaire. Now a days when I see my niece and nephew playing computer games, I have no clue how to play. So I have decided to finally come back from retirement and start playing computer games

3) I will stop being diplomatic: For example, when Radhika lets out those silent farts in office, I will say it loud and clear to her to stop doing that. Her farts stinks a lot and they suffocate everyone of us at work. As she has a calm face, people even think that I am the culprit. I would like to tell everyone that I am not a fan of silent farts and even though I have mastered them; I always believe in letting them out with a bang

4) Have those six packs: This is a serious confession. I will hit the gym and I will pile up muscles and I will have that Greek Olympian body. Hope I get a good gym instructor; who will bear my loud farts

5) I will be a good person: Because I seriously can't believe that it has already been a year and I have not yet become one

6) Start posting humor blogs: As there is a constant complaint from my readers that my blog posts have become boring, I have decided to beg, borrow, steal from real humorists and spruce this blog with comedy articles.

Have a happy 2017

-Chronicwriter

Dec 30, 2016

817. Chronicwriter's 2016


Blogging: Not a great blogging year for me. Wrote very few humor blogs. The numbers show it all. I have to improve on that
Stand up comedy: It was a great year. Did four acts this year; including one solo act. Given the fact that I do a niche form of stand up comedy (that includes impromptu singing with my guitar), I see that there is a huge potential for growth in this area
Song writing: Wrote 15 new songs this year. One of the best years in my song writing career
Corporate life: It was a balanced year; I would not say that I had growth this year, but definitely it helped me to re look at my growth trajectory
Family life: Had my ups and downs; but the two ladies in my life kept me going.

Spirituality: Have a long way to go. Did wonderful mission trips at the end of the year. This has to improve
Reading:Was the worst year in my life; I could only complete three books.
Memorable moments: Sister’s India visit, Mission trip to Chhattisgarh, the iPhone presented to me by my wife and the Aattukutty song that was composed and recorded in a single day.
Key takeaways: Gotta be disciplined, adhere to timelines and read more.
Wish for 2017: Release my music videos, publish my book

Dec 29, 2016

816. The Plastic chair


What you are seeing in the above picture is not a designer sofa. It is just a plastic chair with some clothes on it. All of us have this plastic chair in our house; where we dump all our clothes.

I have a plastic chair at home too where I dump all my clothes. In fact the chair will have both clean clothes and clothes laden with dirt. I find it hard to differentiate between the clean ones and the dirty ones.

1.It acts as a quick fix to dump clothes, books and you can shove it inside a room when guests make a surprise visit

2. The chair can be easily carried around. You can show your strength to people around by carrying a plastic chair stack. I can carry a stack of three chairs when no one is noticing me and I can carry around ten chairs when girls notice me

3. The plastic chair can be used as a ready made stool to climb on to pull out things from the top draw of the cupboard

4.Plastic chairs avoid usage of wooden furniture. So it helps in our fight against deforestation

5. They are cheap compared to other forms of furniture.

6. They are waterproof too. 

But there is a danger of using plastic chairs. You can't fart silently in a plastic chair. It produces a whistling sound. You will be easily caught. So if you feel like farting, get out of your chair, walk around, let out a silent fart and then come back and sit.

-Chronicwriter




Dec 7, 2016

815. I am Superman with a lightsaber

Eight years ago someone left their underwear in my blog. I even wrote a blog post to find the original owner of the underwear. No one replied to that blog. A screen shot of the blog post is attached here




After 4 years, I got a call from Superman himself. I first thought that it was some one playing a prank on me. So I hung up. But he kept on calling me and finally when I picked the call, our conversation went like this

Superman: His Chriz, It is me Superman

Me: How can I trust you that you are superman

Superman : In the year 2008, I lost my red underwear in your blog and you have it

Me: Why did it take you this long to call me back?

Superman: I searched for it every where. Later when I searched for my underwear in google search, I discovered that you have the underwear

Me: So what should I do now?

Superman: I am acting in a movie called "Man of Steel". So I need my underwear back

Me: No! I am not giving it back to you. Your grace period is over. Now the underwear is mine

Superman: Please give me my underwear.

Me: I can't because I have started wearing it. Now it has got some holes in it too

Superman: Oh No1 What should I do now?

Me: Just act without the underwear. Now please don't call me again and again like a friend-zoned guy

I kept the phone and I did not hear from him again. The next year, the movie "Man of steel" hit the theaters and I was surprised to see that he had acted in the movie without his underwear.


I immediately searched my wardrobe for the underwear. I could not find it. Later I discovered that my mom had started using it as a floor mob cloth. Without her knowledge, I detached the red underwear from the floor mop, washed it and wore it again and it fit me perfectly.

Then I wore it and went to a railway station and with the help of my brother Balaji, I clicked a few pictures. He added glamour effect to my underwear using Photoshop. He also fixed a light saber (star wars sword) in my hand  and gave me superpowers through Photoshop. My daughter saw the photo and asked me "Appa! Are you superman". I nodded my head in agreement and said Yes. Now she is going around and telling everyone that I am superman.



She also thinks that she is spidergirl.  Read this blog to know why my daughter thinks that she is spider girl. The other day, she came and asked me, "Appa, if you are super man, how did I become spider kid? I should have become super kid!".

I did not have any other option but to reveal the truth to her. I told " Appa is superman! But when Appa was in Bombay, he had another name and that is Spiderman". Read this line with Basha theme music in the background.

- Chronicwriter

Dec 6, 2016

814. One photo. Many stories


Just one look at this photo and you would have guessed that we were in some wild mood when this picture was clicked. I was travelling from Andhra Pradesh to Tamilnadu in an unit train. We were in an highly animated mood. It was a 4 hour train ride.

1) I think I was responsible for a ten year old boy suddenly starting to cry in the train. He was telling his elder brother that someone pinched him. No body found it out till the end of the journey

2) I was responsible for the lady in yellow saree to sit in the corner seat in that same pose all along the journey. She must have thought that I was mentally unstable.

3) I bit the shoulder of the man ( in dark blue shirt) sitting next to me while he was sleeping. He mistook the guy to his right ( the guy who clicked this selfie) as the one who bit him.

4) When some one in the compartment farted silently, I found the culprit using the inky pinky ponky technology. The victim eventually got off the train in the next station. But the fart smell continued to emanate from the compartment. May be a different person; but it was not me.

5) Everyone in the compartment displaying signs of dozing off were kept awake with my barking sounds. This was one of the reasons why the lady in yellow saree assumed that I was mentally unstable. She was also the only witness of the biting incident.

I left so many memories for so many people to ponder, yonder and think about restarting their lives again. Some are scarred for life and some are confused for life. But as they say, life just goes on.

So these are the 5 small stories that are associated with this picture. Till I come back again with yet another story around another picture, live peacefully.

-Chronicwriter

Nov 24, 2016

813. Mathematics should be demonetized too

My daughter took an hour to complete this.



I congratulated her and bought her a chocolate bar. I did not want to frighten her by telling her that this is just the beginning and that she has to go through addition, multiplication, probability, trigonometry, geometry, calculus, Laplace and the terrorist called Fourier in future. Let her bask in the present happiness. Picture abhi bhi baaki hai Anya.

When I posted this on Facebook, a few friends came up with amazing revelations about mathematics. Those revelations pulled me back to those dreadful days I am adding some of them here. 

1. Elvis equated mathematics to racists and terrorists and I agree with him


2) Jenifer is a mathematics teacher and she came as a guardian for the science of mathemetics


3) Joe Philip reminded me of the dreadful Pythyakaara theorem


4) Finally Lakshmi Narayanan hit the final nail in the coffin



Do you have any memories with mathematics? Share them with me in the comments section.

Read my blog "Engineering mathematics is a Pakistan terrorist"

Wanna read funny posts? Like my page on FB

-Chronicwriter

Nov 23, 2016

812. How to advertise when sangam is going in abaraadham


How to promote your business if you are not confident about your services and the products you offer?


  • The best way is to use sponsored posts on Facebook. I am not saying that all those who use sponsored posts lack confidence. But all those who lack confidence definitely use sponsored posts to promote themselves.
  • Use a good looking girl's image in the design. In the above advertisement where an enterprise is trying to sell "studying abroad", they have used a good looking girl's picture. When this image lands in a guy's notification on FB, chances are that he may click the interested button without even reading what the content is all about.
By doing these two things, the Facebook page will invariably garner more likes and the particular campaign will also receive many leads. The marketing team of that particular enterprise will have good metrics to project to their board. The management will be happy; but at the end of the day, business profits will be still low. IIPM tried a different variation of this technique and fell face down after some time. This is going to be the same case with all the FB pages that add likes in an inorganic manner.

But namakku Like dhaaney mukkiyam. So kaasu irukuravan pakkoda saapdunga. Ok Bye

-Chronicwriter

Nov 15, 2016

811.Nehru maamaava? Chithappavaa?

Nehru maama Rojava vachurundhaaraa? That is one common joke that we used to crack when we were in school. I don't know if today's school kids also crack similar jokes. Today's children may have upgraded their jokes to some newer version.

In Tamilnadu we see Nehru as Maama; but in North India people call him chithappa (chacha). I don't understand how this confusion happened. The rift between north and south is going on for ages.

When I was in college, I decided to bunk classes once and told my professor that my maama ponnu ( Uncle's daughter) died. My professor immediately asked me to go home. Little did he know that it was October 31st and I was referring to Indira Gandhi. I ended up watching a movie in a theater.

Now when I am trying to figure out if Nehru is my maamaa or chithappa, I still could not arrive at a conclusion. The answer will tell me if she is my mora ponnu or my cousin sister. 

The funny thing about this father daughter combination is the fact that they wrote letters to each other; awarded themselves with Bharath Ratnas in 1955 and 1971 respectively. Yes; you read it right. They awarded themselves with the highest civilian award in the country. If this had happened today, social media would have gone mad and Arnab Gowsami would have cried foul on Prime Time Television. Their act only reminds me of those who like their own pictures and posts on FaceBook.

Infact there were jokes during my school days that India got its independence when Mountbatten decided to run back to England along with his wife because he was scared of Nehru Maamaa and his romeo skills. That is how engrossed we were with Indian history. We had zeros subject knowledge about Mughal history and Indian history; but indha maadhiri matter ellathulayum naanga appovey PhD.

But one sad thing that I am not able to digest today is that the one waist coat that was always synonymous with Nehru is now relabeled as Modi coat. This is why I believe that varalaaru is romba mukkiyam or else we will be calling Nadhuram Godse as the father of Dineshan in the future.

The following picture of Nehru and Indira Gandhi is my favorite because Charlie Chaplin is in it. People like him inspire me a lot because they always spread smiles on our faces.



BTW,  belated Children's day wishes to all the children out there; that includes 50 year old aunties too.

Can someone tell me "Nehru maamaava? chithappavaa?

-Chronicwriter

Nov 9, 2016

810. Daddy's little princess



When I carried you for the first time, I cried 
And walked around the hospital with so much pride

Looking at that cute little face that very first day
I promised to never allow any harm come your way

That Oriental face, Michelin arms and tiny feet
Made me smile and my heart would always skip a beat 

As you sleep peacefully every night
I wish to protect you like the dark knight

Many a time I spend too much time on Facebook
And fail to give attention for your longing look

I do not know what you want to be when you grow up
What ever you pursue, I will always back you up

The world is gonna be good and bad to you
But you should know, Daddy is gonna be there for you

Anya, I would like you to know one thing 
You are my little princess and my everything

-Chronicwriter-

Click here [link] to read my daughter's blog

Nov 3, 2016

809. Evading a transgender in Chennai train


I spent more than two years of my life in this place called Bedok, Singapore. Everyday I used to come to the station to board a train to go to different places. It is one of the calmest neighborhoods in Singapore. Here in this photo, I am posing with the Varungaala America Janaadhipathy- my friend and jolly good fellow, Sendhil Kumar. There is never a dull moment when Sendhil is around.

The highlight behind this picture is that this was clicked just seconds before I jumped into the MRT line and stopped the train with my little finger. If you are thinking that I am bluffing here, you have to check for this real news that came in Singapore news papers on Jan 10, 2010.

What I love about the MRT lines in Singapore is that people respect the yellow line in the platform. No one dares to cross that line. People respect rules religiously. Even when they enter the MRT, they stand in a queue and wait for their turn to walk in. 

Totally a different mentality from the local train life in Chennai. Here in Chennai, people enter the train from every possible hole. What scares most people in Chennai travel is not the crowd; but the manner in which one is treated by transgender people.

I have nothing against transgenders. They are human beings too; but I don't like their attitude in train travel. I have been subjected to sexual abuse by transgenders in Chennai trains where they have grabbed by private parts when I refused to give them money. Some of them threaten for money; some of them touch people in a sensually ugly manner and make them part with their money and some even go to the extent of kissing people.

I remember a train travel with my friend Rajesh (From Tambaram to Egmore). It was an era in which train travel was the much preferred travel mode for all youngsters, thanks to Alaipayudhey movie. Rajesh and I were standing near the door when a transgender (Let's call him Rose) entered the bogey and demanded money from us. 

Little did Rose know that Rajesh and my "sangam was going on in abaraadham". When we told that we did not have any money, the threatening started; but no one knew who Rajesh was. Rajesh was the kind of guy who does not have soodu or soranai (A trait that I have; but Rajesh was worse than me).

When we did not give money, Rose started touching Rajesh inappropriately. Rajesh immediately started talking in Gaundamani voice and said " Ingey thodu, angey thodu" and started guiding Rose to touch him everywhere. This shocked everyone including me. All the scary tactics adopted by Rose went down the drain. So as a last resort Rose said that if we do not give money Rajesh will be kissed on the lips. 

But before anyone could react, Rajesh pounced on Rose and started smooching. Infact he almost bit the lips off. The next station arrived Rose escaped from Rajesh's grasp, jumped onto the platform and ran away. Even today when I see a transgender threatening people in train, I wish that Rajesh was there.

Note: Hi Rajesh! You asked me to write about you in my blog. I have done it. Now please treat me

Read this story [ link ] to know how three Eunuchs attacked me during train travel

-Chronicwriter

Nov 2, 2016

808. The couch in my father's house


Thats the wooden sofa in my father's house that is as old as me. That's also the same sofa that made me a couch onion. Few points about the photo

1. Photo clicked during December 2010

2. I am strumming a freshly composed christmas song

3. The egg shaker is near the paper

4. The blue shawl around my neck was brought in Chandigarh after heavy bargaining with a road side seller; he told it was Rs250 and I bargained it and got for Rs 245

5. The guitar is my favorite Spanish guitar; I bought it in Guangzhou-China in 2007

6. The white short kurta I am wearing used to be my favorite kurta from Fab India; I used to wear it everywhere; My mom converted it into a Kitchen Kari thuni

7. That sofa is where I used to lie down and watch movies

8. I recorded the song and caught it on camera after the above picture was clicked; the song video is added below. Listen to the song please


9. I did not shoot the video with a potato; I have to say sorry for the poor quality

10. What brings me more joy is that this tamil folk format song is now sung around the globe in many churches during Christmas season. The below video is a four part version of the same song sung by our Choir. I am standing on the extreme right



Chronicwriter

Oct 21, 2016

807. Harris Jayaraj should be banned

I have read umpteen number of posts and proofs that explains how Harris Jayaraj copies song tracks from other albums and calls them his own composition.

So invariably when ever I see any movie with Harris Jayraj as its music director, I would assume that the songs are copied from some where else. I even went on to write a post on how he copied music pieces from Christian Keerthanai for one of his movies - Ennai Arindhaal.

Click [here] to read that post
A friend who read that post of mine called me up and blasted me on the phone and asked me not to call myself a music lover. She was a fan of Harris and she got hurt to read such a post from me. She went on to block me on Facebook because of that post.




One year year later, the movie Irumugan got released and she unblocked me on Facebook and sent a friend request again. When I accepted her request, she messaged me saying "Hey Chriz, Harris Jayaraj has composed music for Irumugan. Now don;t tell me that he copied here too".

I did not respond to that message because I was not interested in  listening to his songs. But this morning I decided to listen to a song from the movie and I opened youtube and listened to the song Halena from that movie. I should not have opened the link; because within 5 seconds into the song, I realized that the song was a copy.

Atleast in his previous copy cat works, Harris would copy the tune and use his own instruments to give a new effect. But in this song, he has used the exact effect and music instruments too that was used in the original song " Fetty Wap - Trap Queen". Check the video for yourself




Now, If my friend sees this post, she will block me again. What made me to write this post is to understand why the hell Harris Jayaraj calls himself a music director? He does not add any creative value to the song he copies from. There are words like "Inspiration / Adaptation" that masquerades and gives a soft effect to the word copy. But even those words will hang in shame if they know what Harris Jayaraj has done to music.  I checked the other songs in that movie and realized that none of the songs in that movie were directed by him.

I would like to close this post with the following two questions
  1. Why do film makers pay such a lazy fellow?
  2. Why are people not filing a copyright infringement case against him?
There are brilliant music directors who compose wonderful arrangements. I have seen many of their works lying in shelves in music studios and in mobile phones. Many such works don't see the light, because nobody produces them and because there are copy cats like Harris Jayaraj who steals such works and calls them his own.

Note to my friend: Please block me and go away. Neeyum unnoda Harris Jayarajum

- Chronicwriter

Sep 16, 2016

806. Soaps and their persona

I am gonna take you on a journey that will take you through your childhood. If you have lived in the 80s and the 90s you will love me for this post. Even if you do not end up loving me, you would at least end up friend-zoning me.

The collage below has images of all the soaps that I am going to write in this blog post. You can refer to this picture to understand this post better.



1) Pears
The first soap in the list. When ever I think about this soap, I always think of transparency and glasses. All of us would have seen through the soap. It had a pleasant smell. My friend Sneha and I used to fight to see who was right in pronouncing the name of the soap. I would say PAIRS and she would say PEERS. We still fight even after 20 years. 

2) Santoor
Santoor is one soap that would make girls hate other girls. The common myth about this soap is that when 40 year old women use this soap, they would look like a college girl.

Some advertisements also made middle aged women believe that they can play basketball. At the end of those ads, college girls would flock around a young lady and ask her "Which college are you from?", and a small girl would run up to the lady calling her "Mummy".

Middle aged ladies in the 1980s immediately started buying Santoor with hopes of being transformed into college girls. Nothing changed

3) Hamam and Rexona
Hamam and Rexona are twin sisters who were separated in their birth. They had a similar smell and they were both green in colour. Hamam in particular was the family soap for middle class families. I used to take bath using Hamam soap during my school life.

My mom never allowed me to change the soap. She would say that if I changed the soap, I would get pimples. I did not change the soap; but my face looked like a golf ball during my teenage days.

Rexona had a coconut flavour in it. This made it an instant hit in Kerala. 

4) Margo
If one could make a soap out of human shit, you should call that soap Margo. It smells like shit. I have no clue how the makers came up with such a disgusting smell. It was supposed to be a healthy soap with neem flavour. But it just stinks. You can never use it to clean your hands after coming out of the rest room. People will think that you never washed your hands in the first place.


5) Lux
In the late 80s, there was a common belief among middle class families that lux soap was the soap used by cine stars. It was the Mercedes Benz of soaps. It was advertised in such a manner that you started believing that only if you have a bath tub in your house, you could afford Lux.

When I was a kid, I only saw Lux soaps in the shelves of retail stores. I have never used them. That sophisticated image that Lux had was finally killed by the Lux CEO himself, when he decided to promote the product using ShahRukh Khan. It was horrible to see Shahrukh Khan jumping into a bath tub for the Lux ad.


6) Cinthol
Cinthol was the official soap of a man. This is one soap that men would use to show their manliness. In the Cinthol ad, Vinod Khanna (Hindi actor) would ride a horse in the beach. I still remember the bass voice that was used in the ad.

Later Shahrukh Khan was made to act in Cinthol ad too. He acted along with his wife in a romantic ad which made the soap looked like a soap for young men. Somehow the deep bass voice effect went away. Shahrukh Khan was responsible for the change in perception of this soap too.


7) Lifebuoy
This is was the viagra of soaps. It lasts long; really long. It was the official soap used by boys in college hostels. Four guys would be using a single soap for an entire semester and 50% of the soap would still be left at the end of the semester. In rural India, this soap was used on buffaloes too. We used to call it the brick soap.

8) Liril
The Liril ad was one of the path-breaking ads in the Doordarshan era. It featured  models Karen Lunel, Pooja Batra amd Preity Zinta taking a bath in a waterfall.

Young boys of the 80s loved the ad. Orthodox middle class families would switch off the TV when the ad came on TV. We had only one channel those days and they did not have the option to change the channel. Liril ads were used only by bold outgoing girls during that time.


9) Chandrika
Go to any hotel, lodge in India and 9 out of ten times you would find a Chandrika soap in the rest room. It does not have a strong odor and it does not stand out. But still it is a soap that appeals to the ordinary masses because it easily qualifies as the soap that every average middle class family could use.

10) Dettol
Mothers had the belief that if they use dettol soap on their children 99.99% of the germs in their body would disappear. If I had a fall and suffered some bruises, my mom would immediately wash the injury with a dettol soap.


11) Mysore Sandal soap
This is the soap that is used by south Indian bride grooms and brides during wedding season. When families exchanged trays of goodies that include fruits, clothing, and money; Mysore sandal soap also found itself placed somewhere in the plate. 

Santoor was also a sandal soap. But Mysore Sandal soap belonged to the elite class and was reserved for special occasions. Santoor was given unfair treatment on this regard.


12) Fiama DiWills
I use Fiama Di Wills because it is transparent like Pears, has an aroma that reminds me of Hamam, Cinthol and Lux and it brings back my childhood memories.

I have not written about many other soaps.Please feel free to share about other soaps that made an impact in your life when you were a child.

Question for my readers: There was a soap in the late 80s and early 90s that came into the Indian market. I remember seeing that soap ad in Doordarshan. It had a curved shape and it's USP was that it will last long. I have seen that soap; but could hardly get the name right. Can you help me in finding the name of the soap? The person who gives the right answer would get a pack of movie DVDs couriered to their house.

- Chronicwriter

Sep 9, 2016

805. Ten guitars

That is me and my wife- Joan

It has been a while since I posted a cover song in this blog. When Engelbert Humperdinck wrote the song" Ten guitars" and released it in the year 1967, he would not have thought that after 50 years, a guy named Prason Christopher Robin would butcher that song by singing a cover version of it.

Well, I don't think I butchered it. It has come out OK. The problem with me is that when I forget the lyrics, I invent my own lyrics and sing it live. That is what happened in this song. When I was recording this song in Ooty in a resort that is not worth mentioning, I forgot the lyrics. So I ended up adding my own lyrics impromptu and that is why a couple of lines does not make sense at all in this video.

Engelbert was born in Chennai and he is an English classic pop singer. When I say Pop, he was an original. Check this cover version of mine here and share your comments.

 

If you do not like my version and if you hate it, please provide me some kaasu; I will record a studio version of this song, add some music instruments and make it sound sexy. Nambikkaidhaan vaaazhkai

Sep 6, 2016

804. Setwet deo - Swag Avatar

I received a call last night that a friend was admitted in the hospital. He was my childhood friend Ashok. He is 34 now and after a long struggle to get married, found a girl through a matrimony site and got engaged to her. He is getting married in December this year. So when I received the news that he was admitted in the hospital, the first thing I asked the caller was if he was critical. The caller said that he was in the emergency ward
I rushed to the hospital and when I found the reason for his illness, I burst out laughing. He had suffered a concussion. He barely managed to avoid head injury. Apparently he was preparing to go out on a date with the girl he is engaged to. It was his first ever date in his life. The closest he has come to a date was when he acted as a driver for me when I went out on a date. He lacked conversational skills and he would put off a girl in seconds with his conversational skills.

His first ever phone conversation with his fiancee was as follows
Phone rings, she picks up and says hello
He: So... What next?
She: Tell me Ashok. You start the conversation like that?
He: Hmm
After an awkward 10 seconds of silence, she tries to liven up things
She: Did you have breakfast?
He: Yes... Then tell me?
She: Are you planning to go to office?
He: Yes
She was literally pissed after this phone conversation. So as a good friend of my friend, I decided to take some dating lessons for him before he took her out on a date. I told him to prepare some interesting topic around trending events  (Movies, music, Olympics, US open, books, art, places in Chennai, his childhood memories) and also asked him to have 5 jokes to crack at regular intervals to make the date memorable. He even took notes.
So one day before the date, he called me and said that he was ready with the 5 jokes. He also said that he read the newspaper and he has covered the latest news including sensex and foreign exchange rates. I realized that he has studied some out of syllabus topics too. But I did not discourage him. He added that he had brought a suit for his date. I was happy. I should have just let him go. But I did the grave mistake of telling him to apply some deo; because he usually smells bad.
He had bought Setwet - Swag deo thinking that he would show his swag side. Enthusiastically, he had doused ample amount of deo on his body. Within minutes he had fainted because he could not bear the smell. His room mate found him semi-naked in his room (unconscious too). Ashok was wearing his shirt, suit and his socks. His underwear and his pants were still unpacked and were placed on his bed. I still don't understand why he wore socks.
Back at the hospital, we all had a heart laugh. Ashok's fiancee was also at the hospital. His room mate failed to click a picture of Ashok in his room. His deo smell was still strong at the hospital. 
Note to readers: If you are planning to buy setwet deo, think twice
Additional note to readers: I have a setwet deo too (The mischief avatar). I spray it inside the western commode once in a while after cleaning the toilet with harpic.
I know you would be dying to see a picture of Ashok and his fiancee. But I won't add it now because if I add the picture, he would not invite me for his wedding. After december, I will add the picture for sure. Some one has to remind me of this after december

-Chronicwriter

Aug 18, 2016

803. Respect a NO

So we were at this supermarket. My daughter was sitting in the trolley. This middle aged man in his early forties was making funny faces at my daughter. I was watching this from a distance. As my daughter did not find his facial expressions amusing she simply ignored him. 

This 40 year old man thought that it was a grave insult by a 4 year old. So he made the next move and came near her and pinched her cheeks. I do not like anyone pinching my daughter's cheeks. That man's wife gave him a sign of approval. I did not understand how she could think that her husband's act was cute. 

My daughter was taken aback and she gave a bad stare at the man and said " Stop touching me". He did not seem to get it. He and his wife started laughing and that infuriated me. So I decided to intervene. But before I could move, this guy leaned forward and pinched her cheeks again. My daughter decided to take matters in her own hands. She spat on his face and swung her right hand wildly and ended up slapping him. 

The people in the supermarket were stunned to see a kid slapping an adult man. But I was elated. I rushed to my daughter and gave her a hi5 and told him "The next time someone says No, learn to respect that". His wife started giving bad stares at me. She might have thought that I was not bringing up my daughter by teaching her good manners. But I am glad that my daughter did that or else I might have done that and it would have ended up as an ego clash between two adults.

When some one says NO; respect that

- Chronicwriter

Aug 16, 2016

802. A business magnate in the making

A True incident

Date: 14th August 2016, Time: 10:30 pm
Place: Outside Zaitoon, Velachery, Chennai

Representative Image
My wife, daughter and I came out of Zaitoon ( A restaurant) after a sumptuous dinner. The guy at the door went to fetch my car and I was standing at the entrance when a little girl approached me with a few things to sell. She must have been around 8. She had a few Indian flags in her hand, a few strips of sticker, a few pens and flannel cloth to wipe the car.

As I have worked in an NGO, my immediate thought was that this girl must be a bonded laborer or must be a part of a mafia. So I looked around to see if any thug is orchestrating her movements from nearby. But I could not find anyone around. So to make sure that she was not in trouble, I initiated a conversation with her. My wife and my daughter were standing next to me.

Me: How much are these?
She: Rs 10 each.
Me: OK. I will buy two sticker sheets from you
( I bought two sticker sheets and handed her Rs.20. My daughter was happy now because she could now stick the walls with these stickers. I made two little girls happy with that single transaction)
She: Sir, I am hungry. Can you give me that food parcel? (She was pointing at the food parcel I had bought from Zaitoon)
Me: OK. Here you go.
(By this time, my car had arrived; but I wanted t know more about this little girl
Me: Do you think you are safe working at 10.30 pm here?
She: My parents and my elder brother are also selling these in that signal
(She points to the near by signal and I can see a couple of people selling the same things to cars parked at the signal)
Me: Where do you get these things from?
She: My father buys it from Parry's corner, Chennai.
Me: Where is your house?
She: We live in Avadi
( Those who are well versed with Chennai will know that Velachery, Parry's corner and Avadi are at three ends of Chennai)
Me: So when do you go back home?
She: We will leave in another 30 minutes.
Me: Are you studying?
She: Yes, I am studying in 3rd standard. I come to sell with my brother only on weekends.
(This girl sensed that I was asking this question to check if she was forced to Child labor and she was brainy enough to give that additional answer that she works only on weekends. Apparently she was earning along with her family to take care of her education)
Me: How much do you buy these stickers from Parry's corner?
She: Dad buys them for Rs 3/- per strip
Me: Wow! So you just made a profit of Rs 14/-
(Here I was having a conversation with a brilliant mind who could logically understand my question; but was innocent enough to reveal the money for which she originally bought that sticker for. That was the innocence of her age.)
She: Sir, I make Rs 500/- profit by selling these in a day
(I thought she was making up this number. So I asked her a cross question)
Me: So how many of these stickers do you sell in a day?

She: I sell around 80 things including the stickers and flags (It was India's Independence day the next day). So I make a profit of around Rs 500/-
Me: But Isn't 80 multiplied by 10 = Rs 800?
She: Yes sir. But I am only talking about the profit. I deducted Rs 300/- from that
(Here was an 8 year old girl who was taking a class to me on multiplication and was also teaching me about basics of financial accounting. I was overwhelmed by this.)
Me: So what do you want to become in future? (Expecting her to say "Engineer or Doctor")
She: I will be rich one day. Very rich. (She was confident in her response. She could have said that she wanted to be rich one day. But her words were that she will be rich one day)

I said good bye to her and came back home. I forgot to click a picture of the girl. Today morning, when my daughter took the sticker strip to stick them in her favorite wooden board, I remembered each and every single word she spoke to me.
Key takeaways:
1) She was not begging and she was not part of any mafia
2) She was not doing bonded labor. She has the right to education and she was studying
3) She was good in numbers and she knew what she wanted to become in life

Yes! poverty was making her do all these. But she was a confident girl; not arrogant; but with a vision which I am sure she would achieve.

I did not ask her name. But I am sure that I would be able to see her around Velachery on a weekend. When there are thousands of people who choose begging as a way of life or cheating as a lifestyle, there is this little girl who has started carving her own future with a determination that will surely take her where she wants to go.

- Chronicwriter

Aug 4, 2016

801. Ten Management lessons from 23 Pulikesi

23 Pulikesi is a Tamil humor period film directed by Simbhudevan. Actor Vadivelu's role in the movie is still etched in our memories. The script was strong and Vadivel's acting took it to a different level. People may see it as a comedy movie and move on. But the director has hidden many management lessons in the movie. This blog post will unearth ten management lessons from the movie Pulikesi for the friends with benefit of the readers.

 Management lesson 1 : Prepare monthly/ quarterly reports without fail

This is the first lesson we learn from Pulikesi. His performance is not really worthy to be mentioned in public. But he knew how to manipulate data and project an appealing report. We all do this by uploading edited photos in our Facebook account. Similarly lot of corporate companies project an edited output in their reports. Once you master this art, you become an efficient management professional

 Management lesson 2: Always have an allakkai with you

It is imperative to have an allakkai (who will always put aamaansaami ) close to you. This guy will make you look important in group discussions when you make a point. If this allakkai laughs at your silly jokes, it will be highly beneficial for you. You can always give him those extra donuts during appraisal time. The allakkai knows that you already know that his actions are fake. But you both have no other choice but to travel together.


Management lesson 3 : Stay away from the honest person
 

In every company there will always be one or two people who will stand for justice, rights and will always call a spade a spade. Keep yourself far away from them. If possible make sure to dig a pit for them so that they fall inside it. Such people will be problematic for your growth in the corporate ladder. So eliminate them as quick as you can. Pulikesi made sure that he eliminated a poet who seemed to be causing trouble to him.

Management lesson 4: Have some entertainment at work

Companies like google have a corporate culture that is envied by many who do not work in such companies. There is a common assumption that employees there get free food and a lot of time to party and play. Pulikesi always encouraged games in his kingdom even if it meant loss of lives. 

Management lesson 5:  Have a good work life balance

It is always good to work hard and party harder. Pulikesi knew it all. Be it in the palace or in the jail, he always maintained a good work life balance. This made him to come back to power even after being locked up in jail.

Management lesson 6: Never be ashamed to accept defeat

When you make a grave mistake, never be ashamed to admit it. Fall flat and accept your mistake. People will respect you for that. If you try to defend yourself by giving justification for your actions, chances are that people will gang up and beat you black and blue. Pulikesi had the heart to accept his mistake for eating Vallavarayan's dove. The poets in his kingdom lauded this move by him.

Management lesson 7: Be Shrewd in making strategic decisions

Even though Pulikesi was lazy, he was shrewd in his decision making skills. He knew how to make winning solutions. When a spy tries to fool him with a cooked up story, Pulikesi uses his analytical skills to identify the lie in it. This business intelligence is important for every business leader.

Management lesson 8: Learn from your failures.

Some projects may fail and you may lose hope and get dejected because of that. But Pulikesi taught us that even when a bear spits on his face, he would not feel bad for it; but take that as a lesson to move forward in life. He taught us to be emotionally stable in all situations

Management lesson 9: Keep that useless resource in the team.

There might be some employees in your team who may be completely useless. They will do everything wrong. Don't send them out of your company. Preserve them. They may be useful for you in future. Pulikesi had a kollan who was fit for nothing. All the weapons made by him were faulty. But that comes in handy for Pulikesi at a point when he actually needed in life. This management lesson was adopted by Dhoni. Dhoni followed this principle and had Sreesanth in his team for two world cup winning finals. The reason for having Dhawan in certain matches and Rohit Sharma in certain other matches may be the same too.

Management lesson 10: Upgrade your skillset

A lesson learnt from his failure made Pulikesi to upgrade his skillset and learn an art form that was greek to him. In the process, he ended up killing a few people and still did not learn the art form. But who cares!!! At least he tried. As Ravi Shastri says, two teams played and cricket was the winner

-Chronicwriter

Aug 3, 2016

800. My wife is a murderer

When I was sleeping in the night, the blanket moved away exposing my leg to mosquitoes and just when a mosquito was about to bite my leg, she comes and kills the mosquito and covers my leg with the blanket. That is my wife who does not allow even a mosquito to hurt me. Yes she is a cold blooded murderer. 


She walks around the house like a tennis player, swatting mosquitoes at will. If there is an Olympic sport for killing mosquitoes, she will easily win a gold medal for team India.

But, though I would like to thank her for protecting me from mosquito bite, I am sad for the mosquito's family. You might know that only female mosquitoes bite human beings. The male mosquitoes feed on flower nectar. 

The female mosquitoes require blood to produce baby mosquitoes. The mosquito that was killed by my wife, might have been pregnant. Her husband might have been waiting for her to come home and he might still be waiting with tears in his eyes. The deceased mosquito's children would be in a state of shock. Their home would have a gloomy atmosphere now. 

If film director Rajamouly had seen this murder, he would have taken a movie "Kosu" which would have given tough competition to his earlier movie "Eega".

Blue cross activists have not started their agitation against this murderous act. They would raise slogans against topics they have no clue on; like  "Jallikattu"; but would keep quiet when a mosquito is killed. Is not that a living creature too? When people can raise slogans like "Black lives matter", " Say no to beef", why not raise slogans to protect and konjufy mosquitoes? 

You might be thinking that I am harsh against my wife here. I might be! But I can't keep quiet when an innocent soul is killed. What mistake did the mosquito do? She just wanted some blood from me to lay eggs. My blood investment would have made her happy. But my wife killed her and this brings great grief to me. I am unable to sleep for the last two days because of this.

As I type this, my friend who sits next to me says that if I publish this post, I would not get dinner tonight at home. I guess it is gonna be my favorite dish "Chilly beef" for dinner. I knowI will have to stay hungry and look foolish tonight for publishing this blog. But I don't care. At least I would have peace for standing up for mosquito rights. I can hear you saying "Indha kosu tholla thaangalabaa"

My wife and I completed 5 years of married life on 1 August 2016. Click this [ link ] to know how I met my wife. 

Click this [ link ] to read how I was attacked at my wedding.

Note: This is my 800th post in this blog. The journey goes on

- Chronicwriter