Saturday, June 27, 2015

737. Always ask for Driving License photo of the Bride and the Groom

I am not a racist and I don't prefer a certain skin color over another. 

How ever this photo shocked me so much that my wife had to pour buckets of warm water on my face to bring me out of the shock.

I am now on the lookout for a bride for a good friend of mine.

When ever he shows a picture of a girl in a matrimonial site, I would immediately ask him to check the girl's picture on social media sites.

If she is not on facebook, I ask him to directly go and meet her to check if she looks the same.

My friend did not understand the seriousness of my lines. So I am writing this post so that he gets it.

Imagine seeing a prospective bride's picture on a matrimony site. Put yourself in the prospective groom's shoes. 

You see her picture and you immediately fall in love with her. Then you go and meet her and still you are floored because she is hidden under a 1 inch thick coat of paint.

Then you get married and after the Suhaagraat (first night) is over, she takes a bath and you end up seeing some other person standing in front of you. Would not you get a heart attack?

To avoid all these problems, ask the girl to send a Drving License photo. If she says that she does not have a driving license, ask her to send her Aadhar card or voters ID photo. 

If she still says that she does not have any of these, ask her if she can wash her face in front of you. If she agrees to this, go and meet her with a vessel-washing-scrubber. 

Some times you have to use a steel scrubber. Nerolac paint does not come off easily.

I have nothing against people who do not have a glowing skin. I also do not have any problem against people who groom themselves well to appear good. 

But I do have a problem against people who hide behind a mask (be it a character mask or a heavy-make-up mask)

At times like this, I feel that love marriage is a hundred times better than arranged marriage. Now if you have any questions on how I met my wife, you can read this [ link ]

I remember a class mate of mine who used to apply layers and layers of paint on her face ( she calls that as make up). When we celebrate Holi in college, she used to come and hide behind me and say "Chriz, I am scared of colours. Please save me from those who are chasing me to apply colours on my face". That was the last time I played Holi.

Note: Men apply lot of make up too. So if you are a bride looking out for a possible groom, follow all the points mentioned in this post.

- Chronicwriter.

Friday, June 26, 2015

736. Samsung S4 problems and solution

My Samsung S4 phone had a few problems for more than a year

1) Echo - The hearer would hear his own voice echoed back at him when he speaks to me.
2) No loud speaker - The loud speaker did not work. If I switch it ON, the call got cut.
3) The mute button stopped working too.
I went to the Samsung store a year ago and they said that they have to change the display and that would cost me Rs 7000 for that. 
"RS 7000 FOR THE DISPLAY ?", I screamed inside and said "No thanks", took the phone back with me. 

I was using the phone with all the three handicaps for the last one year.
Last week, when I was getting out of bed, the phone fell down. I reassembled the phone and now I find that all the 3 problems are solved.
If you have any problem with your phone, just drop it down and re assemble them. It works. If it does not work, buy a new phone.

- Chronicwriter

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

735. Keep Walking

This is a song I wrote when I was going through a very tough time in life. I looked for inspiration from the world outside me. I watched lot of inspirational videos and I attended motivation talks. It did not help me in a big way. Some of the videos will give me the "Ahaa" effect; but the pain within was so deep that I was not able to come to terms the challenges that was standing right in front of me.

My spiritual quest and my walk with Christ helped me to garner strength from within. When I wrote the song, lot of things were running in my head. I could not bring out the exact emotional phase I was in when I wrote the song. Every single word in that song came from experience that I went through in life. All those words mean a lot to me. Some would not find it appealing as a song-lyric content. But it came from extreme pain. Those who are going through similar phases in life can relate with that song.

I will be recording the song soon and the video will be up sometime later this year.

If you are going through a tough time and if you are planning to quit, take a moment and read this article. It is an article about my daughter. I learnt to never quit just by watching her for a few minutes
Read article here [ link ]

Is your pain caused by someone else? Are you holding on to a grudge? Are you not able to talk to someone who was very close to you? If the answer to these questions is Yes, you have to read this post [ link ]

I am just taking a short time break from the humor mode on which this blog operates. I sense there is a high need for positivity that needs to spread around at this moment, apart from the humor I try to churn from this blog.

Just remember one thing - "Keep walking"

- Chronicwriter.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

734. I.M Vijayan - The Pele of Indian football

Indians who do not follow any other sport other than cricket would look at the above picture and just ignore it because it looks like a picture of some rural landlord with his goons. Tamil film lovers will see this picture and say "Hey that is the Villain - Super Subbarayan" from Komban movie.

But those who have followed Indian football closely will immediately spot the man in red shirt in this picture. He is I.M Vijayan - the greatest footballer India has ever seen.

India has done good in football in the past. We have come 4th in the 1956 Melbourne Olympic games and we were also the best team in Asia in the year 1962. Yes! We were far better than the Koreans, Japanese and the Chinese at that time.

What forced me to write this post is the numb feeling that I got after watching India's pathetic display against Guam in the world cup qualifiers. Guam is a country that has a population that would fit inside the Salt Lake stadium where India was beaten by Guam 2 goals to 1.

We boast of Indian Football league, the Bhutias and Chetris who have played for European clubs but still we find it difficult to play good football even with countries like Guam.

It was the year 1999. India was playing Bhutan in their second league match in the SAF games. I was sitting in front of the TV. Narottam Puri was commentating in Doordarshan. India were on a high after toying with Pakistan in their first league game in which they won 5-2. Vijayan had scored a hat-trick in that game.

When the referee blew the whistle to kick start the game against Bhutan, I just went to another room to take a biscuit packet. It would have just taken some ten seconds. When I returned to watch the match the goal score read India -1 , Bhutan - 0. They were showing replays of the goal scored by Vijayan in the 12th second of the match. It was a world record for the fastest goal scored by any team at that time. He went on to score another hat-trick in that match.

Years later, India invited some foreign teams to play in the Nehru cup which was supposed to be the biggest football tournament in India. India became the champions in 2007 and 2009. This was because India invited minnows and some how managed to struggle and win against them.

The earlier editions of Nehru cup featured some good football teams and players. The tournament in 1993 saw the mighty Cameroon making its visit to India. Cameroon had shocked the Argentinians and went till the quarterfinals of the 1990 world cup. Can we ever forget Roger Miller's dance moves?

When India faced Cameroon, we were expecting Cameroon to drub India. But India managed to draw with the mighty Cameroonians. I M Vijayan's long range goal in the match against Cameroon is still one of the best goals scored by any Indian in the International football scene.

If I M Vijayan had been in some other country, he would have been the football manager of that country. In our country he received the prestigious Arjuna award; but on the career front he is acting in small roles as a henchman for the villain in some Tamil movies. Limelight is always given for people who play for foreign clubs; but a player of the standard of I M Vijayan is not given the role that he deserves.

How many of you remember Chunni Gowsami, Bikas Panji, Raman Vijayan, Pappachan, Aqueel Ansari, Carlton Chapman and Bruno Coutino? They are the Romarios, Messis, Ronaldos (The Brazilian) and Beckhams of India. They are already forgotten by many. 

It was a treat to watch them kicking the ball around and it was a treasure to watch I M Vijayan moving around the field with the football. He is indeed the Pele of Indian football. Sad that the present day youngsters don't get to watch them all in action. May be, Doordarshan should do a re-run of some of these games to revive the old magic these guys left us with.

When Maradona visited India in 2012, he shared the stage with I.M. Vijayan. He even told Vijayan that he admired Vijayan's style of game play.  Getting the attention of the "Hand of god ;) " is not a joke. This video of Vijayan and Maradona always gives me goosebumps.

- Chronicwriter

Monday, June 15, 2015

733. I am buying a Buffalo

My great great great grand father was a shepherd boy. He used to roam around the Southern part of the country with a herd of Buffaloes. 

When I was in class ten, my father would tell me that he would buy me some buffaloes and make me take care of them, if I scored low marks in exams. That thought would scare me and I would study well. 

But when I picture it now, I realize that it would have been fun. Imagine walking in the roads of Chennai in formal attire along with a Buffalo. Would not it be cool? 

My friend Rajesh thinks that owning a Labrador boosts his social status. He takes his huge dog for a walk in the evenings. He also has a huge Bull dog that actually looks like a Pig that rammed its face in a truck. Those dogs are his prized possession.  

If walking with huge dogs boosted his ego by making him think that he was in the elite club in the society, just imagine how it would have been if I were walking on the roads with a Buffalo. I would have made Rajesh feel so inferior that he would have start treating mongrels equally.

Some people's fart are so strong that when ever they fart the walls of the house start shaking. My friend Thirumalai  (name not changed) is an expert in the art of farting. He always farts out loud with DTS effect. His gaseous exploits are powerful than the sound released by a 500 CC Royal Enfield bike. 

The other day we were in a lift and he did what he does best and the make up of a girl in the lift fell off from her face. It came as a surprise to us because after the make up fell down, I could actually recognize her. I said Hi to her and we had lunch together. I should thank Thirumalai for that fartistic attack without which I would not have recognized Sheeba.

Today I met a girl in the lift and when she smiled at me, I did not recognize her. 

She: Hi Chriz! How are you?

Me: Excuse me! But do we know each other?

She : Man! I am Sheeba.

If only Thirumalai had been there in the lift along with me, her make up would have fallen off and I would have recognized her. Sad, that he was not there in the lift. Sheeba's make up had a similar smell that was in our house when we painted our house.

How did I end up writing about Thirumalai in this post? It still beats me. I am yet to figure out how my thought process works. May be, Thirumalai's back and the Buffalo's back looked similar.

If you are thinking that I am insulting my friend Thirumalai in this post, you should realize that I am actually doing him a favour. He copies my blog posts and circulates it in our google groups as if he wrote it. He does not read any post.

So I am sure he would just read the headline and see the buffalo picture and would arrive at the conclusion that this blog is a funny post on buffaloes. Before he finds out that this is actually a tribute to him, it would be too late.

Enjoy Machaan!!! (This is for him)

- Chronicwriter

Friday, June 12, 2015

732. I owe Rs 780 to Mark Zuckerberg

When I opened my Facebook Fan page that I maintain for this blog, I discovered that I owe Rs 780.10 to Facebook.

I was stunned for a moment. Later I realized that I had run a campaign to promote a post on Powerstar for two days. Sadly the payment method I added to the account did not synchronize well with Facebook. 

Now every time I open my Facebook account I am reminded that I am a kadan kaaran (debtor) to Facebook. I just told Mark through telepathy the following words "Machaaan Accountla Vachuko da" which in English translates to " I shall pay back soon"

It also reminded me of the number of people to whom I owe money.

1) Sultan Bhai

Sultan Bhai had a small hotel in the little union territory- Pondicherry. His hotel was next to the house where I stayed in the 3rd and 4th year of my Engineering college days.

During those days, our pocket moneys would range between Rs 1000 to Rs 2000. For the food alone, Rs 600 will be used by us in a month. For the Rs 600 we give to Sultan Bhai, we had the privilege of eating breakfast and dinner from his hotel.

On Saturday nights, he would treat us with chicken leg pieces. Saturday nights are usually the time of the week, when all men in Pondicherry will be floating in high spirits. So we will never miss the chicken leg piece on Saturday nights.

On the first Sunday of every month, he will treat us with yellow rice. He would call that as Hyderabad Dum Biriyani. But we knew that it was just yellow rice. After I finished college, I did not give Rs 20 to Sultan Bhai. I still owe him that money. Now it has been more than 12 years. I will repay my debt sometime when I visit Pondicherry.

2) Account in Ikka's shop

Ikka! That's how we call him. I do not know his real name. Ikka had a small petty shop near the boys hostel in Rajagiri School of Management ( Now Rajagiri College of Business Studies) where I did my MBA.

The photo below was taken in the year 2005. My classmates and my seniors are seen in this photo

Mubeen, Varun, Jithin, Anterson, Sai, Zacharia h, Vimal, Abraham, Blessin are the people in this photo

Ikka was an amazing businessman. He just had a petty shop when I started doing my MBA. The petty shop had soft drinks, some biscuits and cigarette packets. They were sold to the hostel boys. Within 6 months he made a huge profit that made him to convert his petty shop to a mini hotel. The boys are sitting in the mini hotel in this picture.

Ikka also did door delivery services to all the boys whose room was near his shop. My room was very close to his shop and I was one of the privileged souls to get door delivery package from Ikka. I still owe Rs 12 to Ikka. 

I also owe money to a few others. I am just trying to recollect all the names of those who have invested time, energy and money in my life. I have to repay them all. 

When I think about repaying with kindness, the Airtel ad comes to my mind. The advertisement is so beautifully done that it makes us have that pleasant feeling every time we see that ad. The manner in which the four people in the ad brings a smile back on the face of the ice cream vendor uncle is beautifully portrayed in the ad. Kudos to the ad makers for bringing out a good advertisement amidst all the crap we see on TV in the name of ads.

I would not be doing justice to this post, if I do not write about Sharon in this post. Sharon was a great friend of mine in school. We have shared lunches and loads and loads of secrets. When we were in class 10, Sharon borrowed Rs 10 from me which was never returned to me all these years. 

After almost 20 years, I happened to meet Sharon earlier this year. We caught up with all the wonderful things that we did in school. Finally before we said good bye, Sharon came to me and said "Chriz, Do you remember that I borrowed Rs 10 from you during our tenth standard days? I have to repay that money to you now". When Sharon handed me that Rs 10 currency note, I had goose pimples.

When I came home, I narrated this incident to my folks and happily showed them the Rs 10 note that Sharon gave to me. As I was showing the Rs 10 note around, my daughter came to me and pointed at a picture drawn on the note and asked "What is this Appa?". Soon all the family members zoomed their eye lenses to the picture drawn on the Ten Rupee note. It was a picture of a Heart with an arrow piercing through it. All of them gave me a very dirty look and left me to fend for myself. I did not know how to react.

Note: Sharon is a boy and that is why I am even more confused now.


Thursday, June 11, 2015

731. The greatest Story Teller of all time

Rev.W.C.David was a presbyter in Tamil Nadu. He practiced what he preached. He is my Grandfather and I have already written my dedication for him here [link]. He went into God's abode in the year 1992. I was a ten year old boy at that time. I still have vivid memories of him carrying the Bible where ever he went. 

The lady behind him is my Granny, Mrs. Viola David. She breathed her last in the year 2012, 20 years after grand dad passed away. 

This post is a dedication for my grand mother- a prayerful lady and the greatest ever story teller that I have ever come across in my life.

In my college days and then at work, my friends always enjoyed listening to my stories. They always said ," Chriz, you have a talent in weaving a story". I would say, "It is in my genes". My granny had an amazing presentation skill. Her voice modulations, her facial expressions, the manner in which she narrated , built suspense and closed a story are some skills I have never seen in even some of the greatest motivational speakers of our time.

Some of her stories are still fresh in my memory. They are as old as 30 years now. But I still have some of the stories narrated by her on cassette tapes. Some of her (and mine) all time favorite stories were Daniel in the Lion's den, David and Goliath, Jacob and Esau, Zacchaeus climbing the tree.

My cousins and I would sit around her and she would narrate the stories with an animated face. While she narrated the Daniel in the Lion's den story, she would in deed turn into a lion, growl out loud that would make my cousins and I to shiver. 

Years later when I watched the movie Mrs. Doubtfire - I happened to see a scene in which Robin Williams would be using Dinosaur models and giving them his voice. That scene reminded me of my grand mom.

Today when I tell a story to my 3 year old daughter, I use the same technique my grand mom used. My grand mom lived to the ripe age of 84. One great character that I have seen in her is that she never gossips. No one has ever seen her gossip. When she is in a group where people are gossiping, she would remain silent and she would ask them to change the topic.

Many people come to her for counselling and many of them share their deepest and darkest secrets with my grand mom. She has never ever spilled any secret to a third person. This is one great lesson all counselors can learn from my grand mom.

When I come across the joke -" If you want to spread a rumor, use the three forms of communication. 1) Telegram 2) Telephone 3) Tell-a-woman", my immediate reaction would always be "Not true in my grand mom's case mate".

When she crossed her 80s, she wanted to stay in a old age home, but her children (7 of them) did not allow her to stay in an old age home. She would say "I am a burden to all of you. If I live in an old age home, I would be able to spend time with people of my age". She breathed her last in her last son's home where she lived in the last few years of her life.

This photo below was taken in the year 2009. She is sitting right in the middle. All of us have heard her stories. There will never be another story teller like her in my life and I know that for sure because I have been a first hand witness to all her stories.

In the days when parents and grand parents are left alone in old age homes, memories like this make me realize how blessed is to have your loved ones close to us when we live in this world. Don't let your parents and grand parents to live their last days in old age homes.

- Chronicwriter

Saturday, June 06, 2015

730. Anya finally goes to Kindergarten

My daughter has joined Kinder Garten. 30 years ago, I joined Junior Kinder Garten too. I fell in love with Renu during the first day of my school life.

Time has flown like a jet plane. I could still remember the first day I joined school. I was crying bitterly. My mom and dad were waiting for me outside my class room when I was screaming like a cat.

Anya did not behave like me. She just went inside her class room and started playing with the toys in the class. She also went on a consoling spree and asked all the toddlers to stop crying.

She has finally entered this big fast competitive world. I personally do not like the academic system that is followed in school these days. But she has no other option but to be a part of it. I hope she gets used to it.

Back then , we wrote in a black slate using a white chalk piece. But today, the kids start with pencil and pen right from the beginning. 

I remember reciting the Tamil alphabet during my kindergarten days. But today's children do not start with Tamil alphabets in kindergarten level. I think I have to teach her Tamil at home.

It is a joy to see my little one getting up early, getting ready to school, wearing a back pack and hopping happily to school. She is all geared up for the big adventure called "EDUCATION". I love to happily share this happy news with my readers.

I will resume my love tryst with Renu in this blog.

Note : Do not ask which school I have put my daughter in. If I had wanted to write about it, I would have written about it here in this blog

- Chronicwriter

Tuesday, June 02, 2015

729. My 3 year old daughter loves neem leaves

When I was a child, my dad would give me a table spoon full of neem powder once in three months. I had to eat the whole spoon. It was a routine for me at the beginning of every term in school. That was how I fought stomach worms as a child.

I would run around the house and the whole family will chase me. My sister usually catches me all the time. Then they would force feed me with that spoon of neem leaf. I would be allowed to drink a spoon of honey so that I could bear that taste.

Back then, every house in the neighborhood would have a neem tree. Sleeping under a neem tree was supposedly good for health. Now with trees being cut every where, the number of neem trees in the neighborhood is decreasing at a faster rate.

When I visit my cousins during the summer holidays, we would all buy neem sticks and chew them. It was our tooth brush when we were little children. The neem stick would not have that bad taste that neem leaves have.

Neem leaves are also used when you get infected with chicken pox. Every one who has had chicken pox would have had neem leaf facial done to them. Every part of the neem tree has some medical benefits or the other.

My grand dad gave me a margo soap once. It smelt like shit. I reverted to my Hamam soap.

My daughter Anya is crazy about neem leaves. She plucks the leaves right from the tree and starts chewing them like chewing gum.

Check this video to see how she eats neem leaves

Note : The portion of leaves that she is plucking from the tree are washed before this video was shot. The hygiene part was taken care of. All the hygiene Nazis can fold their tail and put it back inside their pants.

- Chronicwriter