Dec 19, 2013

602. Who cares about your mental age?

Facebook introduced this new game called "What's your mental age?" where users will answer some questions and Facebook will finally give a random numerical digit as the answer. Some of my friends played this game and posted the results in Facebook too.

What surprised me was some friends who behave as if they are reformatively, superlatively and naturally serious people in life ended up posting results like 18 and 19. That is when I realized that the algorithm for this game should have been designed by someone whose dirty underwear age should be more than 10 years.

Do not ask me what connection an underwear would have with this game? If you are analyzing this silly statement of mine, then your mental age should really be less than 3. Even 3 year olds will know that there is no sense in that statement of mine.

Why does it matter? I am 31 years old now. If I get a mental age of 17, should I be happy or sad? It simply means I am mentally retarded. There is no happiness in posting that on FB and proclaiming to all my friends that I am mentally just 17. Instead of doing that I should be consulting a doctor to get necessary treatment.

When ever I see this lady, I get irritated. I don't know why!!! Some aunties of mine who are in their mid sixties are playing this game on facebook and so happily posting the results as 13,18 and 23 respectively. The aunt who posted her mental age as 23 might be speaking the truth. (She will be reading this post and I am glad that this post served the purpose).

I am 31 and my mental age is also 31. ( Note: I change my underwear everyday... and my socks too)

-Chronicwriter

Dec 17, 2013

601. Why did 4 people unfriend me on Facebook?

I was chatting with a friend of mine the other day on Facebook. She told me "Chriz! You have become very serious in life. You ain't funny anymore. What happened to your nonsensical comments?" This made me think for a while. I decided to act funny ( a little more hyper than usual) for a day. I started posting nonsensical comments on my friends' photos and status messages. As a result four of them unfriended me. 

Some of the comments are for public display here. To protect the sanctity, privacy and personality of some of the friends (including those who unfriended me), I have blurred their images and ID names.

1) Pepper the cat


I know it is not that funny. That's the exact point I am trying to make here. I can be less funny too.

2) Airtel data charges free ( Is this some sort of SEO key farming?)


The above comment  might be cliche. Notice the timing. I blurred this image because the ID belongs to a super hot girl :)

3) The man with a housecoat



How many of you have peed on sidewalks? 

4) The Christmas mood girl


Yes! She unfriended me :)

5) What about Trisha's life?


He unfriended me too

6) Money can't buy my phone


Anyo one want to buy my old phone?

7) My dentist friend's magic


Now on, I will have to find a new dentist

8) She unfriended for what joy?

Seriously! Does this comment deserve an unfriend response? But who cares?

Now I know how to reduce the number of people in my friends list. I will be trying this experiment again on some of your walls too. If you want your wall to be featured in my blog, just drop in your need and want and desire in the comment section. Satisfaction guaranteed.

-Chronicwriter

Dec 11, 2013

600. Ishant Sharma to receive Bharat Ratna

Ishant Sharma will receive the Bharat Ratna for the year 2014 for his amazing bowling performance of 4 for 40 in his ten overs in the third and final one day match against South Africa that took place on 11/12/13. 

This decision came as a surprise to many as he edged out Sachin Tendulkar from the race. Sachin was supposed to get the Bharat Ratna for the year 2014. But Ishant ruined Sachin's chances with a brilliant performance with the ball.

Ishant Sharma shocked the Nation by taking two wickets in one over.It was a great shock for the Nation and it came on the same day when Supreme court said that Homosexuals will get a life term. As a tribute to Ishant Sharma's heroics with the ball, rain intervened play and stopped the Indian batsmen from getting yet another thumping from the South African bowlers. It is raining in Ishant's forest.

Doctors who were near the bedside of Nelson Mandela revealed that the last words of Nelson Mandela was "Ishant". He was also scared of this day it seems. Apparently Nelson Mandela was also a Bharat Ratna awardee. He was the second Non Indian to win the Bharat Ratna; the first being Mother Teresa (This is Chronicwriter's dose for General Knowledge for his readers).

Critics say that it was not Ishant Sharma who bowled for India. Some of them even went on the extent of saying that it was Dale Steyn who wore an Ishant mask. We all know that stones will be thrown only on a tree with ripe fruits. So all the critics can go and hang themselves for creating a rumor like this.

Talking to reporters from Cochin, the banned Indian bowler Sreesanth congratulated Ishant's effort. He even added that Ishant Sharma wore a towel inside his pants when he got those two wickets in the same over. He went on to say that he needed to see more aggression from Ishant. Mean while Poonam Pandey has announced that she will strip and run on the same day Ishant receives the Bharat Ratna. 

Politician Vijayaganth who is in Delhi to capture power in the National Capital called this performance "a bandasdik berfarmanze". To honor Ishant Sharma's wonderful bowling figures, he launched his son as a hero in an upcoming film. Historians say that this launch has something to do with the Mayan Calendar that failed to keep up to its predictions of the doomsday prophesy with which it terrorized the world. Statisticians have come to the conclusion that the Mayans might have been approximately right and may be the end of the world has begun on 11.12.13.

The RBI has made a public announcement that Ishant Sharma's face will be used in the Rs 1000 currency note. Speaking to news personnel, the RBI Governor confirmed this decision this evening. How ever he also said that Ishant Sharma's face will feature in the currency note only if he gets a hair cut.

-Chronicwriter

Note : This is Chronicwriter's 600th post. Chronicwriter has been blogging for ten years. This blog is in its 7 th year of Blogging journey and it has seen 10 million page hits over the years. The journey will continue unless and until Chronicwriter gets arrested for his satire posts.

Dec 2, 2013

Nov 26, 2013

598. Travelling in Airplane

Travelling in airplanes is one of my favorite activities. It helps me to see people showing their different colors. This post explains the type of people who travel in airplanes. It also helps the reader in understanding the behavioral pattern of people who travel in airplanes. The following points will help you in understanding all the nuances of travelling in an airplane. Once you are through with this post, you become qualified to be interviewed by Arnab Gowsami

1) Costumes for airplane travel

If you live in Chennai and if you have a jerkin/ pullover/ a hooded woolen top, you will never ever get a chance to wear it because of the humidity in the place. But when you get a chance to travel in an airplane, you can wear this jerkin. You look cool wearing this ( At least in your opinion).

People who have not worn a shorts in their lives will wear a short trouser when they fly in an airplane. There are many who fall under this category. The first time fliers have a real hard time in finding the right costume for their first flying experience and in the end they end up wearing a comical attire.

Some people wear sunglasses while travelling in airplanes. A few men use this opportunity to wear their wedding suits while flying. They will never ever get an opportunity to wear the suit anywhere else.

2) The Luggage bag

Even if you carry only two sets of underwear, one jean trousers and two t shirts, you should use a trolley to carry them. This gives that travelling edge to you. You will have something BIG to check in. If the security guys ask you to open the trolley bag, you are in trouble. So wash your underwears before packing them in the box.

3) The tag-showoff


Many people travel these days in airplanes. Most of the flyers between the age of 21 and 26 belong to the IT firms. They fly because they get an opportunity to go On Site. For many such people, it would be their first ever opportunity to fly in an airplane. 

Many such people who travel because their firm funds their travel fall under the category of people who put vetti scene. These are the ones who will get offended while reading this post. Such people will always try to show off in their conversations. They make it a point to let others know that they have flown in an air plane. They also make sure that they do not remove the baggage tags from their bags; just to prove that they have done air travel. I used to have some baggage tags in my bag too  :P


4) The Important announcements.

One way of finding whether a person inside an airplane is a first time flyer or not is to see how he reacts to the in flight announcements. When the in flight attendees  (air hostesses) make their announcements on how to buckle your seat belt and how to use the oxygen mask, the first timers will make sure that they do not miss a single line. 

Some even have doubts on how to buckle their seat belts. But they would not ask anyone for help. Instead they would act as if they are experts in buckling their seat belts and in the process end up trapped inside their own seat because of mishandling their seat belts

5) The know it all show offs

These are the loud mouthed species who will make sure that they know everything about flying. Their decibels would be always high and they will make sure that everyone around them notice them. They would talk about how other airlines are better than the plane that they are flying in. 

They talk about world politics, galaxies, Scientology and also behave as if they are the ones who trained the pilots. These people also keep on pressing the button on top of their seats and ask the flight attendants to give them "tissue papers, water, tooth pick, sugar, lemon tea, and everything that is not available on the plane. These people will always try to unbuckle their seat belts and take a stroll on the plane. The simple reason they want to show others is that they know how to walk in a flying plane. They remind me of a Vadivel joke in a tamil film in which he travels in a moving bus in standing position without holding anything; only to fall out of the bus when the driver hits the brakes.

6) Conversations with air hostesses


These are the Romeos (jollu parties) who love striking a conversation with the air hostesses. They practice pick up lines to impress the air hostesses and sometimes even succeed in conveying the message to them. When the air hostess smiles at them , these guys would think that the air hostesses have fallen in love with them. Chronicwriter has fallen in love with many air hostesses in his life.

King fisher was one airline Romeos always wanted to fly because of the air hostesses. But after some time, some Kingfisher airlines started recruiting male flight attendants and also gave pants to the air hostesses, much to the heart break of the Romeos. 

The pride of India - the Air India is one airline the Romeos will never ever dare to fly because of the airhostesses. It has been a long time since my last Air India / Indian airline travel. I would like to know from my readers whether they still have the same air hostesses in Air India?

7) Behavior of frequent travelers

You can notice some guys who travel very light. They never show off and you will never even notice them. These are the guys who are fed up of flight travel; but have no other choice because of their nature of work.

8) Window seat lovers

There are few who love to sit only near the windows even if it is a night flight. Few would love to sit on the aisle seats because that is one place where they can have a better conversation with the air hostesses. 

10) The Saving bank guy

This guy does not eat anything that is served during the flight. He saves everything in his bag. This is the same guy who flicks the soap, hand towels from the bathroom.

11.The I wanna go home soon guy

99% of flyers will behave odd when the airline comes to a halt. Before it comes to a complete halt, the seat belts will be off and people will start standing to get out of the plane as if they were in some hostage situation. Enna avasaramo?

-Chronicwriter

Nov 17, 2013

597. Daddy Enakku Oru Doubtu

Every one of us have questions. Every magazine has some sort of advice column where people send questions for which they need answers. Some questions seem very genuine; some are not. But there are some questions you never know whether they are genuine or not. The popular TV show "Daddy enakku oru doubtu?" has unearthed the agony columns in magazines. The following questions are posted at Chronicwriter. 

1) Dear Chronic, 
My name is Alea. My husband is 7 years younger than me. I am 7 years older than him. Can you tell me why my cat Willy is behaving odd these days?

Dear Alea,
Your cat Willy will behave normal when she turns 7


2) Hi Chronicwriter,
I am a boy in class ten. Can you tell me why I watch pornography?
Alan

Dear Alan,
You watch pornography because you are alone most of the time. Start hanging out in groups.

3) Dear Chrony,
You think you are funny. But you are not. You are a prick. Go to hell
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Thank you

4) Chronic,
My wife is cheating on me. She is 5 months pregnant and I have not seen her in the past one year. Should I tell this to my girlfriend who is 2 months pregnant with my baby?
Steve

Dear Steve,
Are you sure that your girlfriend is pregnant with your baby?


5) Hi there,
There are two women who stay near my apartment. They are always together. I have never seen them interacting with men. Could they be Lebanese?
Peter

Dear Peter,
Did you mean Lesbians? If so, the answer is I do not know.

6) Dear Chronicwriter,
I joined the army to save our country. Now I want to save myself. How can I?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Where ever you shoot brings glory to our country. Stay there.

7) Dear Chrony,
My wife is 57 years old. She gets angry very often. Do you think she is going through Mental Pass?
Siva

Dear Siva,
If you had Menopause in mind, then yes she could be on it. But does that really matter?

8) Dear Chrony,
I am a girl. What should I do?
Girl 18

Dear Girl 18,
I am a boy. What should I do?


9) Dear Chrony,
My son married a girl and within 5 months they had a baby. The baby weighed 3 kilograms. They said that the baby was premature. Can a baby of that size be born this early?
Fairy

Dear Fairy,
The baby was on time. The wedding was late.


10) Dear Chrony,
My husband is 75 years old. He still chases women. What should I do?
Glory

Dear Glory,
There is a dog in my street that chases my car eveytime. Some time it catches up with my car; but it does not know what to do after that. So do not worry. He ain't any better than the dog. So don't give a damn.

-Chronicwriter.

Nov 13, 2013

596. Nose Pickers

Everyone reading this post would have picked their nose at one part of their lives. Elders would have taught us that picking the nose in public is a bad habit.

In school, the teachers would punish the children if they picked their nose. But irrespective of all these, everyone still pick their noses.

This article explores into the minds of people to identify the different kinds of nose pickers. All these categories of people live among us.


The Philosopher

The Philosopher takes his or her own time during the nose picking process. They put their thumb inside their nose and then make a roll out of the booger and keep that roll between their thumb and the index finger and look at it for a long time before disposing it.

The Archaeologist

The archaeologist is a digger. He digs deep even if there is no treasure inside the nose. Some times he finds water and at times he does not find anything. There are archaeologists who even have got their fingers stuck inside the nose

The Blind Man

The Blind man is the one who mistakes his mouth for his nose

The Hogger.

This guy even eats the booger. There are many such people around us. So when you read this post, please do not give that "This is a weird blog post".

The Investor

This is one guy who saves his pickings in some place. Usually, he sticks it under the benches. Those who stick chewing gums under the tables have this habit.

The Sewage cleaner

The kind of people who only clean their nose once a year and in the process end up removing a snot piece as big as a football. This helps them to breathe normally.

The Gymnast

This guy can clean his nose with his tongue

The Amazon forest

This guy cannot put his fingers inside his nose because of the density of hair inside his nose. Such people have dandruff inside their noses.

The Chinese

I am not a racist. But the Chinese fellow cannot put his finger inside his nose because the nostrils are so small.

Magician

The magicians often have runny nose and they do not even have to pick their noses. All they have to do is clean that dirt off their shirts.

Arnab Gowsami.

He talks so much that the booger forms inside his mouth and not inside the nose.

-Chronicwriter

Oct 8, 2013

595. On being Short

In school, I was the shortest boy in the class. Can you imagine that I was just 4 feet 4 inches when I was 17? Yes I had to go through great ridicule all my life because of my short stature. This picture was taken in the year 1999. I was in class 12 then. I looked like a class 5 boy then. I am standing in the front (on the extreme left)


But some how during my college days, I added one more feet to my height and ended up with Sachin Tendulkar's height.

Advantages and Disadvantages of being short

1) You can sit in the front bench in class and you pass off for a very good boy.

2) You can still qualify for half tickets in buses and trains.

3) You will not get to sit on the seat of an auto-rickshaw. You will have to sit on some one else's lap

4) They do not select you for basket ball and volleyball.

5) You will not be selected for the school play as the Hero. The only role I got in school play was that of a dog.

6) You will never be able to reach the top shelves in the super market.

7) Every one else's shirt fits you like a tent. Your shirt doesn't fit anyone

8) You have to shop in the kids section to get a shirt and pant of your size.

9) When someone hugs you, your face will usually be buried in their armpit

10) You are an halwa for your seniors in college for ragging purposes.

11) You have to use the child wash basin in restrooms

12) Most of the weights in the gym are not for you. They are for big people

13) When you sit on a chair, your legs doesn't usually reach the ground. So invariably you will end up swaying your legs and your legs become tired easily.

14) Riding a bicycle is a herculean task. You can't reach the ground by sitting on the seat.

15) In family photographs you will be asked to sit in the front along with the kids.

16) Some one will tell you to stand up when you are actually standing up.

17) Finding a partner of your height.

18) Your girlfriends who are already taller than you will wear heels and make you look even shorter. To add salt to the injury , they will also take a picture along with you and share it on FB

19) People younger than you might sometimes call you "Hey younger brother"

20) Heavy winds might even knock you down. So stay indoors.

21) Your friends will always have to give a low five to you

22) You will always have to roll up your jeans trousers.

23) When you are in a crowd , you will have to jump to see something that others can see without jumping

24) When you go on college tours and when all your friends get to sleep in bunk beds, they could reach the ceiling with their legs; but you couldn't do so.

25) When you enter a pub, the bouncer doubts that you are a kid and asks your ID proof.

I have experienced all the 25 things stated in this post.

Note :  My kindergarten girlfriend "Renu" might be in this picture :P

-Chronicwriter

Sep 13, 2013

593. Chewing gum memories

When I was a little boy I was crazy about a particular brand of chewing gum called "Big fun". When we buy those chewing gums, we would get a free cricket trump card free. I had an entire pack of trump cards with me because of my addiction towards big fun. I would always have a big fun in my mouth. I became a big fun addict because of Krish Srikanth and Viv Richards. They were the chewer boys in the sports world.  

Once when I was in class 4,  my class mate Uthara became my biggest enemy. She was the biggest girl in the class and I was the smallest boy in class. She would whack me, toss me and knock me down with her fists every time I got into a fight with her. 

On one such occasion, when she punched me down, I got up, took out the chewed gum from my mouth and entangled it around her hair. She tried her level best to take the gum off her hair and that only made matters worse and in the process she ended looking like Mallinga.

The next day she came to class with a new hair cut and she was very much ashamed of her short hair. I am not going to get into the details of the treatment I received from my class teacher, the school headmistress and the correspondent of the school for my art work on her hair. I was banned from chewing gums in school and the school banned chewing gums. 

One place where people around the world love sticking chewing gums is "Under the desk". Any desk in class room in India will have a chewing gum stuck underneath. This would help us in sticking any secret stuff underneath the benches. There were some friends who used to stick the gum under the benches and then take it again and chew when ever they wanted to. When you stamp on a gum accidently, you will get a yukky feeling.

I spent 2 and a half years of my life in Singapore. The one thing I hated about the country is that you cannot see any chewing gum in that country. Yes chewing gums are banned in Singapore. The ban came into effect after people like me started placing chewing gums between automated doors in trains and on the sensors in escalators. So that was a phase in my life, I did not chew any gum.

When I landed back in Indian soil in the year 2011, the first place I visited was the Men's room at the airport. When I visited the urinal, I noticed that the Urinal was clogged because someone had spat a chewing gum there. That was the first chewing gum I saw after 2 and a half years. Do you spit chewing gums in urinals?

-Chronicwriter.

Sep 2, 2013

592. Philosophy on Love

If you have watched Vadivelu comedies, you will understand this post. I came across some clips from some of his movies and made a post with those pictures. When you see a picture, you will remember the scene and the dialogue also. After picturing that scene , you can read the captions written on each picture. You will understand the essence of the post when you do this.

The pictures convey deeper philosophy on the subject of love.

1) Sandaina Sattai Kiliyadhaan Seiyum (Your shirt will get torn in a fight)


2) When you have a love failure, do not get bogged down. Remember Thirisa illana Diviya. 



3) Only one a time please. (Jink Jung Juk)

Do not ever cheat the person who is in love with you. I can hear the mind voices of some people who are saying "I don't even have one and this guy is talking about more than one".


4) Kaala virichu vachu vittatha paakura sugamey thanidhaan ( Sleeping like this is Ecstasy)  


5) Why blood? Same blood

Finally , when you have a love failure, don't feel as if you are the only one in the world who has been taken for a ride. There are millions around the globe who share the same story.


- Chronicwriter

Aug 21, 2013

591. Anna, show your hand.

Anna is the tamil word for Big brother. Raksha Bandhan is a day when all the girls in India tie raakis ( a piece of thread) around the wrists of their brothers. It is also a day when girls strategically tie raakis on the hands of guys they don't like. The rogues in college have more number of raakis tied around their wrist on Raksha Bandhan day.

The best advice I can give to the men is to go on a hiding during Raksha Bandhan celebrations. The girls will never tie raakis around the wrist of handsome men. So if you are a good looking dude, you need not worry. If you are a John Abraham, Hrithick, Aamir look alike, you can walk like a king on this day.

Let me share my horrific experience.  It was the year 2001. I was doing my 3rd year engineering during that time.  In that year raksha bandhan fell on 4th august (saturday) and friendship day fell on 5th august ( sunday ) . As both the days fell on a weekend, both the days were celebrated on friday ( 3rd august 2001). We were not told whether we were tied by a raakhi or a friendship band. Unfortunately I had around 30 raakhis around my wrist at the end of that day. No bachelor should go through the same pain.

This is one Anna 


This is another Anna 


But the sad part of the story is that the above two Annas were never tied with a Raaki in their whole life. 

This is another Anna. 


Chronicwriter was in love with this Anna during his college days.

The following picture was the Anna of our country (Thanks to Charan for this picture)



For all men who are scared of Raksha Bandhan, please check this post [link]

-Chronicwriter