Tuesday, August 30, 2011

478. Why did Anna stop his fast?

Intelligent reports from across the border has confirmed that Anna stopped his fast because he wanted to eat Mutton Dhum Biriyani.

Other intelligent reports from inside the border give contradictory reports for the same.

The following are some of the reasons for Anna stopping his fast.

1) When Gaptun was referred to as the Anna Hazare of Tamil Nadu, Anna could not take it any longer and he ended his fast.

2) When Dr. Vijay was hailed as the Anna Hazare of Tamilnadu, the original Anna Hazare had an attack of dysentery. He understood that the Parliament was taking too much time to pass the motion. To avoid a different kind of loose motion, Anna stopped his fast.

3) Shilpa, Meera and Neena did this in front of Anna Hazare.

4) Prime Minister sent free passes to Anna Hazare for the movie "Karadi Kid"

5) When Captain Vijay looked into Anna's eyes and asked the question " Ungalukkum idhukkum enna sammandham? Bombayla neenga enna pannitu irundhinga? sollunga! Neenga Yaaru? Ivvalavu naaal enga irundheenga neenga? ", Anna had no other choice.

Those who have seen the Tamil movie Baasha will understand the above line.

Today is Ramzan. Eid Mubarak. Somebody told me that Biriyani is not an Indian dish and it should be driven out of our motherland. Will Anna Hazare hold a fast to drive away Biriyani from our motherland? We should wait and watch.

We can never fast against Biriyani ~ Benedict Gnaniah

- Chronicwriter

Friday, August 26, 2011

477. Men In Black attacked me

I and my cousins call ourselves "The Men In Black". We perform nasty missions during weddings. We dedicate corny songs for the wedding couple; We rag them and scare them with different facial expressions and we also play silly pranks on them. In short - We make life a living hell for the couples on their wedding day (and night too). I am a very active member of this gang and we have plotted and devised wonderful pranks during our cousins' weddings. Everything is funny as long as it's not happening to you. The Men in Black attacked me on my big day too. The following pictures speak for themselves. Click the pictures for better view.

1) The Men in Black's rehearsal session. (Hence they are in civilian clothing for this photo)

2) On my wedding reception with Joan, The Men in Black occupied the stage before Joan could sit on the chair with me. The punching started and we all had swollen faces. This was done to add glamor to our faces so that we would look HOT during the photo session that followed late that evening

3) When the MIB attacked the stage, Joan went into a hiding. So the Men in Black planned a mission to locate her. The planning session was caught on camera.

4) Finally theMIB were successful in locating Joan. But I was still searching for her. This is how they located her.

5) Once they located Joan, they posed with attitude.

6) I was full of happiness because of the successful completion of the mission by the MIB. Hence as a mark of respect for the Men In Black, I sang a song.

7) Once the song was over, the MIB attacked me by dedicating the song "Yesterday -Beatles" for Joan and me. I seriously have no clue why they chose that song for us. They might have their political reasons.

8) After the wedding was over, the MIB indulged in a two hour ragging session in which Joan and I were made to sing, dance and do lot of crazy stuff.

The MIB also screened a two minute video in which they gave 5 golden advices to the couple. These Five advices will be used in family counselling syllabus by leading universities like Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard and Alqaeda. Check the video to attain immediate Moksha.


If you want the MIB to attack you and your better half on your wedding day (and night) we would be more than happy to fulfill your wish.

Our Services Include :

1) Planning and Execution of pranks.
2) Ragging, Eve-teasing, Adam-teasing till we see blood in ears /tears in eyes.
3) Planting squeaky dolls, fire-crackers under the mattress / bed of the nuptial couple.
4) Golden Advice to the couple
5) Posing for photos.

You can also invite us for birthday parties. We can make your babies cry by pinching them.

We are in high demand and hence we are very costly too. Please contact me to book us in advance.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

476. We Talk Crap

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

I don't have a clue who this Stanislaw is. Still I added his quote because I liked it and this quote has the potential to set the phase for this post. You might also be wondering why Anna Kournikova's picture is added here. When you finish reading this post, you will know the answer.

Almost all of us who are into the social media scene have some idea or the other about networking with people through blogs, facebook etc etc... So most of us think that we know it all. We use the services of search engines like Google to search for any information on the web and with that knowledge we talk and engage in conversations on subjects that we have no idea on.

A few months ago ,we all were talking about 2G scam. We pointed our fingers at Raja and called him a thief. How many of us really know what 2G scam is all about? If I have to make an announcement that all who do not know basic details about the 2G scam to leave this blog right away, I have to be the first person to leave. We do not know many things that happen in the background. But we are guided by the media. The NDTV and the Times Now give exact opposite views to the same news and we form our opinions based on the media views.

Coming to cricket, there are many of us who know classic details about the game. Some of us follow the game in detail and have a clear cut analysis of the game and also a great grip about the teams and players. But because of media's out-of-the-world projection every Tom Dick and Harry has started to give their opinion about cricket. I have friend Shilpa (Name not changed purposely). She is the kind of girl who watches a cricket match because she thinks that Virat Kohli is Hot. When Virat Kohli bats, she would say " Awwwww! I love his eyes". I hate it when she fails to even note the classy flick with which he would have dispatched the ball to the ropes. Instead of saying "Wow! What a shot", she would say, " I like his beard stubble". When we indulge in a cricket conversation with friends, a person like Shilpa would also be there talking nonsense.

Now we have the Lokpal bug that has bit the entire nation. All of us talk about it. How many of us know what exactly this Lokpal bill is? Anna Hazare might be a good person. But I hate the manner in which he goes on a hunger strike. Isn't it emotional blackmailing? or Should we call it a suicide attempt? People might have difference of opinion on this regard. What I respect is that he is doing it for the country. But Isn't he being a little autocratic in a democratic clothing? What if all his demands are met?

When Anna Hazare was a kid, the following might have happened

Mom : Go to school
Anna : No. I won't go to school. I will tell the teachers what to teach me.

Mom : Eat your food son
Anna : No. I am on a hunger strike

Mom : Do your homework son
Anna : No. I won't do homework.

Most of us just take a stand without even knowing the heart of the matter. Some of us might support Anna Hazare because of his radical stand. Some of us might even support him because we might hate the ruling party. Some might support the ruling party because of Brand Loyalty. It doesn't matter whom we support; What matters is this! We should be knowing Why we support someone! When we support a movement, we should also be in a position to have a detailed grasp of the subject and we should be better listeners to listen to others when they give their views. The recent Lokpal movement has generated the " I am ANNA groups" and " I am not ANNA groups" also. I am not a member of any of these two groups. I would prefer Anna Kournikova over Anna Hazare anytime. (Do I sound like Shilpa now?)

I found the following picture in a friend's facebook album. I don't own this picture. But It sure made me laugh.

Two things that made me smile are

1) The Information and Broadcasting minister. (I couldn't even imagine what would happen to our country if he becomes the I and B minister)
2) Baba Ramdev is definitely a chubby darling who can make me laugh anytime. (Don't ask me why)

I am gonna end this post now. Some girl called me on my mobile phone. She was in tears and I tried consoling her. But I could not. She is sad that I am not single any more. I strictly told her "Ma'm, I am taken". She told that her name is Amala Paul and that she is a movie actress. Does any one know her? If you know her, please convince her that she can't have me. If you can't convince her, please confuse her by talking crap. After all, we are so good in that.


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

475. How (Not) to be a commentator like Ravi Shastri

We Indians live, eat and sleep cricket and hence we would have come across many wonderful cricket commentators. There are the likes of Tony Grieg who talk about ear-rings. I personally love to listen to Tony Grieg when Sachin is in the middle. The husky voice of Richie Benaud and his knowledge on the game amazes me. I also admire Geoffrey Boycott to some extent. He has a good sense of humor. But he seldom listens to his fellow commentator.

Talking about commentators who doesn't allow anyone else to talk, the only person who comes to my mind is Sidhu. When he entered the scene as a commentator, he was an inspiration. I was amazed by his one liners. But as days went by, he became a pain in the commentator box. He did not even allow the cricketers to play normal cricket. Now he is no more in the commentator box and all of us can breathe freely.

Then there are the digital commentators who speak in computerised voices; like some of the West Indian commentators. (In fact all of them).

Then we have the big list of dustbin commentators. Sanjay Manjrekar, Venkatesh Prasad, Maninder Singh, Kapil Dev, Waqar Youniz and the list goes on and on.

Harsha Bhogle with his IIM skills and conversation skills made a huge impact inside the commentary box with his trivia sourcing and talking skills. But IPL and hair implants spoilt him. He now speaks like a clone of Rabri Devi and Anna Hazare.

I am not gonna talk much about all these guys. This post is specially dedicated to the genius of Ravi Shastri. When he was a player, he bowled spinning deliveries that were dispatched out of the park. As a batsman he holds the world record for scoring the maximum number of boundaries in the third man region ( Edged past the keeper). Now as a commentator, he is solely responsible for all the diseases in India. He appears on the television set as though he is gonna say something brilliant. He sets up his tone and tunes it to a husky pitch and ends up saying something stupid. Some of his one-liners are posted here along with Chronicwriter's comments.

Ravi Shastri's blunders

1. That went to the boundary like a tracer bullet

What is a tracer bullet?

2. It’s funny how in 20-20 cricket, one over can change the game

What's so funny about it?

3. Its a packed crowd at the Chinnaswamy stadium ( This is said in a constipated tone)

We can all see that on TV too.

4. Goes for the big one.

When ever he says this line, the batsman gets out.

5. He's got a good arm

I seriously doubt Shastri's intentions behind the above statement.

6. Makes good use of his height.

I would have agreed to this line , if only the batsman was someone other than Parthiv Patel.

7. Mixing it up nice and gentle

When Munaf bowled a slower ball, the ball pitched on the crease twice before it reached the batsman. Ravi must have been sarcastic with that line.

8. As Dimitri Mascarenhas was bowling his 4th over in a 20-20 match , Ravi contemplated “I wouldn’t be surprised if Warne gets him to bowl his entire quota in one go”.

In a 20-20 match the 4th over is indeed the last over for a bowler.

9. I get the feeling

Why does he get the feeling all the time?

10. The next two overs are very important (19th over in a 20-20 match)

They are the only two overs left in the match.

11. None of the bowlers in this stage of the game is going to go down to the wire.

Which wire? Going down?

12. None of the bowlers in the batting team is setting the cat amongst the pigeons.

There can only be one Navjot Singh Siddhu. Be yourself. Don't try to become a Siddhu.

13. Check the following picture to see a typical Shastri commentry technique. He chooses from a list of phrases and uses it while speaking.

Different forms of the game should have different types of commentators. Test Cricket should have robotic speakers and the limited overs format should have guys who can spice it up. All of us know that Ravi is a a total blunder boy in the commentary box. But still we need the services of blunder boys , because without them the game would be very boring.

A trivia that Chronicwriter hates : Ravi Shastri has even tried to date Gabriella Sabatini :(

A trivia that Chronicwriter loves : Sabatini, when asked about this quipped, “Who is this Ravi Shastri.”


Sunday, August 21, 2011

474. How I met Joan

My mobile phone rang on June 25th 2011 (Saturday).

It was my mom on the line.

"Prason (Chriz)!, We have found a girl for you. She is nice. Want to see her and decide?"

" Yes mom! I wanna see her now!"

" No beta. It is already 11 PM now. Her parents won't allow you to meet her now. You have to wait till morning"

It was a very long night. How would she look like? Will she sing? Would she dance salsa with me? What's her name? I did not sleep that night

June 26th 2011 (Sunday)

My mobile phone rings at 6 am. It was my mom on the line again.

"Her name is Joan."

My lips spelt that name again and again and It felt nice to say that name. I asked my mom whether I could see Joan's photo. She told me that she has a hard copy, but doesn't have the photo online. I was disappointed. Then my Mom told me that she found the church where Joan attends. As soon as I heard the name of the church, I got into my car and the car zoomed to that church. I scanned the entire church for Joan. I did not have a clue on how she would look like. The only details I had about her was her name and her workplace. I could not find Joan. I was disappointed once again. Then I logged into my FB account and searched for Joan only to realise that the Joan I was searching for was not on FB.

I had a disappointing sleepless night.

June27th 2011 - Monday.

I opened my email inbox and my mom had sent me an email with the subject line : "Joan's Photo"

I eagerly opened it only to see a message from the computer : "This computer doesn't support this format. This document cannot be read". If only I was Ricky Ponting, I would have smashed that computer that very moment. But I maintained my composture.

I opened my email through my mobile phone and managed to get a thumbnail glimpse of Joan. My mom told me that they liked the girl and they were just waiting for my confirmation. I told her that I wanted to see Joan to talk to her.

June 28th 2011 - Tuesday.

It was my dad on the line.

"Son! You can meet Joan tomorrow at her house"

I was happy now. That evening, I found myself in the best hair salon in town. The hair dresser tried all creams, gels on my hair and when I emerged out of the hair salon, I looked like Malinga.

June 29 2011 - Wednesday

My uncle and aunt agreed to accompany me to Joan's house. My cousin Jerush also agreed to come along with me to her house. So Jerush, my uncle, aunt and I went to her house. I was made to sit in the front seat. Jerush drove the car. The car reached her house. I was given strict instructions to follow my uncle and aunt while entering their house. But it fell in my deaf ears. As soon as the car stopped at her house, I walked briskly to the door and I was greeted by Joan's aunt. Her aunt looked at me and then looked at my cousin Jerush and greeted him with a big smile. Jerush is bigger than me. So she assumed that he was the groom. Immediately I solved the confusion by announcing loud and clear that I was the groom.

We sat in the drawing room. Kids were running around the house. Joan's sister talked with us. Her brother also started talking with us. But Joan was not to be seen. I knew that they had hid her in one of the rooms. Will she be in a saree? Will she serve coffee like how they show in the movies? Thoughts started flooding my head. The little kid switched on the TV. Wimbledon semi finals was on and Fed Express was playing against Tsonga. Federer had won the first two sets. I was happy.

Suddenly she appeared. She slowly walked and sat in the sofa opposite to me. I, being a homely innocent Indian boy put my head down because of the shy feeling. Slowly I lifted my face and tried to catch a glimpse of Joan. She smiled at me. I immediately put my face down again.

My Uncle asked me if I wanted to speak to her alone. I said Yes. The next moment, we were alone in the adjacent room. I did not look in her direction. I was sweating profusely and my palms were soaked with sweat. What happened to my conversation skills? I couldn't speak a word. I tried clearing my throat only to sound like a cat. Then after five minutes of complete silence, she opened her mouth.

"Do you smoke and drink?"

I lifted my face and smiled at her. She took the smile for a "NO". Then she went on talking and talking and she talked about her likes and dislikes. I did not know what was happening. Thoughts came flooding in my mind : Does she know about Renu? Did Federer win the semifinals? Should I change my Facebook display picture?

Suddenly she asked " What are you gonna say? Did you come to see me because you liked my photo or Did your parents force you?"

I smiled again and She was happy with that smile (I guess). She must be having the knack of reading minds. Then she said " OK. I hope we have talked. Let our parents make the next move." I nodded my head in agreement. We went back to the hall. Federer had the lost the next two sets and they were playing the final set. Did my personal time with Joan affect Federer's rhythm?

My Uncle asked me whether I liked her. I said Yes. He handed me his hand Kerchief and asked me to stop drooling.

One month has gone like a breeze. Now I am married to Joan. The funny bone has indeed found his rib bone.I had three weeks to get to know Joan before the wedding. I wrote this song one week before the wedding.


The next posts

1) My Cousins and their ragging session during my wedding
2) My Honeymoon diary