Apr 23, 2010

404. Error code - IPL

Cricket was a gentleman's game in the past. With the inclusion of corrupt men in the mid 80s, cricket no longer was a gentleman's game and with the invasion of IPL, the game has lost its charm. If there is one entity that has gang-banged the game of cricket, it has to be IPL. Entertainment, Cheer girls, movie stars and every Tom, Dick and Harry who do not have any clue about the game have become the centre of attraction because of IPL. The good talented cricketers are made to warm the benches.

IPL - Idiot's Panga League, Idli Pulav Ladoo, Italian Pizza & Lasagna, Indian Premier League. The name doesn't matter as long as some bozos govern it.

For starters, IPL is a spoof show in cricket which is an idea stolen from the English Premier League. Indians are not good footballers. The only Good footballer -Baichung Bhutia is being kicked around between Mohan Bagan and East Bengal. A spoof football show is not a bright idea in India. Hence the Directors and Script writers of IPL chose Cricket as the victim and that is how IPL was born. The Indian Premier league has already seen three shows so far. Infact the third show is in its climatic phase now.I would like to do a recap of the three IPLs that has taken place so far.

IPL -1 ( The trailor )

  • 8 teams were selected to play in the inagural edition of IPL
  • Chennai Super Kings team, led by the highest paid employee "Dhoni" looked like the team to beat. But mid way through the tournament, the Australian bench strength moved back to play for their country and that made them to falter at the final hurdle
  • Rajasthan Royals were the minnows. They were led by an ageing captain "Warne" with a bunch of amateur kids. But these kids proved that they can bite any piece of cake. Yusuf Python emerged as the man to watch
  • Delhi Daredevils and Kolkatta Knight Riders had a strong line up. But they lacked the finishing touch.Mumbai Indians had the Little Master in their ranks. But he did not play a major part of the series due to Injury.Bangalore Royal challengers heavily relied on Rahul Dravid's brilliance as all the foreign imports failed to deliver.
  • Kings XI Punjab had an inspirational coach in the form of Preity Zinta. Her Hug-therapy did wonders to the team. Sangakkara and Yuvraj became regular recipients of the Hug therapy. Sreesanth never got a hug from Preity and that made him to burst out crying after a match against the Mumbai Indians (See picture below)
  • Deccan Chargers were the jokers in the pack. They resembled the real madrid team which is full of forwards. The batsmen behaved like drunken monks.
  • Politicians started debating on the issue of cheer girls. Bhangra dancers replaced the cheer girls of the Rajasthan Royals cheer squad much to the disappointment of Warne and Shilpa Shetty.The Chennai cheer girls were asked to wear pants because drummer sivamani's actions were intimidating.


IPL-2 (Shooting in Foreign Location)

When the director of IPL - Lalit Moodi decided to shift the second edition of IPL to SouthAfrica, the whole movie crew travelled to South Africa.

  • Mohammed Kaif was replaced by Katrina Kaif in the movie. Kaif was sent back home.
  • Deccan chargers, no longer wanted to don the comedian's role in the movie. They wanted to be Heroes for a change. Hence Shahrukh Khan decided to become the joker in the pack. The Gabbar Singh of Australian Cricket - John Buchanan wanted to be the co-joker. They made the viewers to ROFL.
  • Fake IPL player started his blog and became an instant success.
  • Lalit Modi became a very good ANALyser of the situation (See picture below)
  • For two years in a row, a foreign captain won the cup
  • Glen Mcgrath was insulted by the Delhi Daredevils and he was made to warm the bench.
  • Shane Warne made the find of the season by picking up Kamran Khan in his team, but soon the poor chap was sidelined for chucking
  • Shivamani started scaring the South African cheer girls too.

IPL-3 (The anti-climax)
The directors of IPL got bored with the foreign location and decided to come back to India. Shahrukh khan and Bal Thackarey indulged in a customary dog fight to kick start the proceedings.
  • Mumbai Indians added an Anaconda in their team. His name is Pollard.
  • Ajit Agarkar gained two more kilograms and became 48 kg.
  • Yuvraj singh became pregnant.
  • Hayden started using a bat called the mongoose bat and in the process was stuck in a rut between cricket and baseball.
  • Rohan Gavaskar and Jhunjhunwala got a chance to bowl, bat and field and ended up getting raped by their opposition team as well as their own team mates.
  • Catch was renamed as "Karbonn kamaal catch". Sixer was renamed as "DLF maximum" and a wicket was renamed as "City moment of success"
  • A balloon was tied on top of the stadium as a mark of respect for Ravi Shastri and it was given the name "MRF Pimp"
  • Harsha Bhogle ate a full jackfruit and his hair started growing. He is no longer a bald man. But he lost his commentary touch and started speaking like Ravi Shastri.
  • Harbhajan Singh became the winner of the Karbonn kamaal catch award for brilliantly catching the richest lady in India

IPL- 4 (What next?)
This might happen in the future
  • Bal Thackarey becomes the first Marathi commentator
  • Narendra Modi becomes the coach of Kochi IPL
  • Preity Zinta becomes the president of IPL and makes a rule that cricketers should bowl, bat and field in the ramp outside the boundary.
  • The cheergirls will dance on the cricket pitch. Shivmani will have his drums behind the stumps
  • MRF Pimp, Ravi Shastri, Danny Morrison and Sivaramakrishnan will occupy strategic positions inside the cricket ground and comment about the game.
  • Vijay Mallya, Siddharth Mallya, Deepika Padukone and Shilpa shetty will play badminton in front of the black screen.
What ever happens, WE, the citizens of India will show our loyalty to IPL and still watch it and tweet about it. Keep fooling us.We don't mind being fooled.
-Chronicwriter

Note: Happy 37th birthday to the Little Master! You have entertained us for two decades and we love you and adore you. God bless you

Apr 21, 2010

403. Who are you?

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been
more specific.
When I was a little boy, the only TV channel that I could watch was Doordarshan. Street Hawk was my favorite TV show then. I was so much addicted to that series that I started riding my tricycle recklessly. I used to dream of riding bikes at a rapid pace too. I wanted to ride a bike in real life too. That is when I realised that I had to be 18 years old to be eligible to ride a bike.


By the year 1990, I was a big fan of cricket and football. I admired Kris Srikanth and I loved his daring batting style. In fact I imitated his weird Nose-mannerism too. Four years later, world cup football took India by storm. Doordarshan telecast ed all the matches live on TV. Suneet Tandon and Pranoy Roy did special reports on all the teams. My favorite team was Brazil. I loved their samba-ish style of playing. Romario became my Hero. Immediately I decided to become a footballer. But my kicking power was so weak and I had to quit the idea of becoming a world class footballer.

How many of you remember Remington Steele? It was the first time I saw Pierce Brosnan. I loved the TV show not because of Brosnan, but because of the lovely Stephanie. Stephanie acted as a private detective in Remington Steele. I thought that being a detective was cool and I started telling all my friends that I would become a detective when I grow up. But now I realise that I am neither a detective nor the boyfriend of a beautiful girl like Stephanie.

When the swine flu storm hit the world, I did not fret. In fact, I was hoping to get infected by the Swine flu bug. You might think that I have lost my mind. But when I heard that pigs have an orgasm that lasts for 30 minutes, I felt that it would be great to be attacked by swine flu. 30 minutes? . It is almost equal to watching one full episode of FRIENDS, Whose line is it anyway.

I wanted to be like somebody all my life. But suddenly I realise that I am 28 and I have my own identity. A year ago when 13 year old Alfie Patten became a dad, I reminisced on the opportunities that I missed as a 13 year old guy. When I was 13 , I used to play computer games. Kids these days play Real life games without understanding the seriousness behind the games they play.

Have you realised the purpose of your life?

I recently read that Dolphins and Human beings are the only two species that enjoy recreational sex ( Sex for fun). All other living beings have procreational sex (sex to create off springs).

What about the Pig?

The other day I saw two porcupines mating. It was scary. I am at least happy that I am not a porcupine. I would dread to have sex if i were a porcupine. 30 minutes Orgasm would be death penalty indeed.

-Chronicwriter

Apr 6, 2010

402. I want more sleep

Everyone hates Mondays. It has been that way right from our childhood. We dreaded Mondays when we were school Kids. The same fear continues even after we become working professionals. 93 % of office goers in India do not have job satisfaction. Work life is stressful for many working professionals.

A suggestion to the makers of Facebook

Researches also reveal that every one use facebook at work. Hence, instead of introducing millions of lousy games, it is time that Facebook introduced OFFICE-WORK in the form of a game. Work productivity will increase by multiple folds. Work will be completed on time. Job satisfaction would increase. But till such a change happens, sleeping in the workplace would be the number one job that everyone would aspire to perform.

Scientific proof

Medical science says that One-third of a day (8 hours) should be spent on sleeping. 8 hours of sleep is a distant dream for many working professionals. Most people blame their work for their lack of sleep. But this had not been the case ten years back. This clearly shows that work is not the culprit. Experts say one of the most alluring sleep distractions is the 24-hour accessibility of the internet. So if you are not having a proper sleep, chances are that you are hooked on to the computer for a long time.

My sleep life

These days I sleep as late as 2 am and end up waking up at 6 am. I get only 4 hours of proper sleep. When I was a kid, my folks had a strict rule at home. I should hit the bed at 10 pm. In the morning I would wake up at 7 am. That gave me 9 hours sleep. I hated getting to bed as early as 10 pm and I hated waking up as early as 7 am. My folks would use many methods to wake me up everyday. They used to have a tough time to get me out of bed. Now when I reminisce on those days I also realize that such days would never come back for sure.

Mom's technique to wake me up

“ Prason! Get out of bed. It is 7 o clock. You will be late to school”.

“Mommy! Just 5 more minutes”.

“ Get up. You have to iron your school uniform”

“ Mommy! Can you please iron it for me”

After 5 minutes she raises her voice

“ PRASONNNN! Get out of your bed”

“ ZZZZZzzzzzzZZZzzz”

“Are you sleeping?”

“No Mommy! I am praying”

“ Ok stop lying.” She would then grab my ears and twist it and pull me out of bed.

“Did you wet your bed again?”

“No mommy! I was just sweating so much last night”

“Aren’t you ashamed to wet your bed? You are ten years old”

“Go and kneel down”

(I really have no clue how kneeling down would stop me from wetting my bed the following night)

Dad’s technique to wake me up

Dad uses the irritating technique to wake me up. It is also called as the “mosquito buzzing in your ear” technique. He would start buzzing in my ear at 6.30 am.

“Prason. It is already 7.30 am” ( He would alter the time in the wall clock in my room. I would immediately cross check the time with my wrist-watch which would be under my pillow and the time would be 6.30 am)

“ Pappa! You are lying. It is only 6.30. I wanna sleep more”

Every two minutes, he would come and whisper into my ear that it is 7.30 am. His technique worked well.

Sister’s technique to wake me up

My sister was my nemesis during my childhood days. She adopted the third degree torture method to wake me up. Some of her torture methods are

  • She would throw our spaniel dog –Bubbly on my bed. He would lick my face
  • She would switch on the fan and regulate it in full speed ( I do not use fan)
  • She would focus torch light on my face.
  • She would sprinkle water on my face.
  • She would invite all her girlfriends to my room and wake me up.( I used to dread that because I had the habit of wetting my bed)
I miss those days

-Chronicwriter

Apr 1, 2010

401. An April fool trap

I had a great start to the day. The first two victims fell easily. How ever my dream of taking a ha-trick backfired when I was fooled for a change. 1st April is one day that makes many to be extra careful. The beauty of this day is that no matter how smart you are, there would be someone to outsmart you.

  • I was first fooled inside the loo. After spending ten minutes inside the loo, I heard my sphincter muscle saying "April fool".

Now here are 5 weird facts that you might not have known all this while.

  1. Sergei Bubka could touch his belly button with his tongue. Now! How many of you are trying that? If you are at your work place, wait till you reach home.
  2. A Camel is the only animal that doesn't know whether it is a male or a female.
  3. Chetan Bhagat will sing along with Susan Boyle in a film directed by Danny Boyle.
  4. The red underwear gives chronicwriter extra-marital/martial powers
  5. An excited cow gives a milkshake
Now I would take this time to honor five Impotent people on this special day.

Dr. Vijay Joseph.

He is the only living proof that Darwin's theory is WRONG. Man did not come from monkeys. But a man can eventually turn into a monkey, if one is as talented as Dr.Vijay. I am waiting to write a review for his upcoming movie Sura. I thank the lovely brain that worked on this photo.




Surya

I would earn the wrath of the entire female community if I write any satirical post on Surya. I like this guy's acting. But when I saw this photoshop work by Kishor, I could not resist adding the picture here. Surya is a very good tamil actor. But he often falls with a bad company of directors who are ever so ready to spoil his movie career. The movie "Ayan" aka Iron is a perfect example for this statement.



Parthiv Patel and Deepika Padukone

The baby faced chubby cheek Parthiv whose favorite food till last year was cerelac has suddenly started dating Deepika Padukone. She is not the dumbest girl I have across. That doesn't mean that she ain't dumb.


Muniyammaa Paati

Muniyammaa paati is a 84 year old granny. She took twitter by storm with her Tambram/Chennai Tamil mix slang. Her twitter handle was removed by Twitter when she crossed her limit. Isn't she sexy?




Cho Ramaswamy

He is often referred to as the Che Guevara of Indian Politics. I have no clue who came with such a silly comparison because Cho has a close resemblance to an offspring born to a polar bear and a Gorilla. Cho's mouth has done a lot of damage to the minds of many brain dead human beings. The saying "Cho Chweet" came into existence when Rakhi Sawant uttered it when she saw Cho eating a chocolate.


Chronicism
The difference between Love and Friendship can be explained through the simple Kindergarten story "Granny makes Vadai (Pancake). Crow flicks the Vadai and sits on a tree branch. Fox cheats crow and steals the vadai". Love is like the Vadai. Anyone can pick the vadai and it is often mishandled. But Friendship is like the granny. No one would pick her up.

P.S : The guy standing next to Deepika is not Parthiv Patel. It is Junior Malliya. See the Kingfisher beer bottle in his hand. April fool Guys and Gals.( and you thought it was Parthiv! Gotcha)

-Chronicwriter