• Do you talk in normal English and your accent automatically changes when a person of the opposite sex approaches you? You are a wannabe

• Do you wear your baggie trousers so low and reveal your underwear? You are a wannabe (Either wash your underwear or buy a new one)

• Do you often fold your fingers and show the yo/peace symbol? You are a wannabe

• Do you often unleash your middle finger and show it to someone to vent your anger? You are a wannabe. (90% of the Indians learn this art in colleges - IBA Report -2002; How ever IBA report -2008 reveals that 90 % of Indians learn it in primary school. India shining indeed)

• Do you wear your cap in any position other than the normal position? You are a wannabe (Where did you learn it from? You are not a Hippie)

There are various other ways of finding a wannabe. The wannabes are usually born in co-ed colleges in India (Now in schools too)

• The Typical Muthukumar who enjoys listening to Dappankuthu songs, suddenly starts listening to Rock Music. "In the end"- by linkin park is a song that all wannabes know byheart, even though they wouldn't have a single clue about the meaning of the song. He starts talking about different genres of music too.
  

• When he converses with a girl, he usually shows his musical knowledge by talking about a few genres like punk metal, death metal,Trans etc... If you ask him the operational definition of each genre, he would never have any clue about it (Unless he likes all the genres and unless he is a wannabe). There are exceptions too.

• However a very few guys (NRIs) would be there in every college. They do not fake like the wannabes. The smooth accent in their english is a natural phenomenon that runs in their blood. When they say ,"Yo Dude" or "Ssup Bro", it would sound very natural and they wouldn't take pains to use such words. But the wannabes always try to emulate the NRI guys by depicting some hand gestures ( folding some fingers) while saying "Yo Dude". The hand gestures and the voice modulation never match and they often cut a sorry figure like our very own Appam chappathy @Gopumon[link]

• Watch this video to have an A/V depiction of wannabes

• I don't have a clue why the wannabes see normal (Indianised) English as a below the standard way of talking. If British English comes natural to you, I appreciate you. But if it doesn't don't try to talk like Greg Chappel. You would only sound like Latha Mangeshkar talking in a male voice.

• The guys are not the only culprits here. There are a bunch of girls too who fall under the same category. 90% of the Indian college girls are relatives of Queen Elizabeth. British English flows out of their mouth like honey (Scientists have never discovered the secret behind their English skills). I don't have any problem with their English speaking skills. But most of them try to look cool by using profane language in their speech. If they speak 100 words, the F word would contribute at least 25 of the 100 words. A research conducted in the 90s by WHO revealed that only prostitutes use the F word in their regular conversation. The wannabe guys usually hang out with these girls. If you use the F word, who are you trying to emulate? You can speak clearly and your sentences would be beautiful even without profanity.

• Coming to the dressing sense of the wannabe girls, I have no problem even if you do not wear anything, but if you wear short skirts, please wax your legs. If you are wearing sleeveless tops, please wax your underarms. If you wanna pierce your belly button, go ahead and do it. It is your belly button and it wont hurt me. If you wanna show your cleavage, go ahead and do it. But do not give dirty stares to guys who ogle at your Breasts. It is understandable if you wanna just stare and intimidate the guy; but if you call him a Bastard for staring at your silicon implants , you are just proving that you are a wannabe.

• A girl showing her cleavage is her birth right. I am not gonna voice against it and incur the wrath of male readers. But I have seen guys showing their cleavages too. If you have buttons in your shirt, button it up. Unbuttoning the top 4 buttons and revealing your chest doesn't make you look cool for two reasons

1. You are not a girl and you don't have breasts to enhance your cleavage
2. Your chest hair is yukky and i would pluck them away.

Son of a Bitch

Be yourself. You would look good, if you wear your own mask. But If you still wanna wear somebody else's mask and remain a wannabe, you have every right to do it. I am not asking you to change. Even if you become yourself; India's population rise is not gonna stall, Bal Thakarey is not gonna shut his mouth and Chronicwriter is not gonna stop blogging.

-Chronicwriter

Advice: School children are requested to adopt the examples given in this post in their school to become Out-Standing students and thus become the future leaders of our country.

School Days would be the most memorable phase in every one's life. Most of you would have passed out of school long back. But still when you read this post, you will remember those days for sure.

The fun all of us had during those days would be still fresh in our memory. The crushes on teachers, First love, class room bench fights, blackboards, stealing chalk pieces, Physical education classes, eating under the tree while crow shits on your lunch box, spraying ink on your classmate's white uniforms, assembly prayer prayer , writing nicknames of teachers on toilet walls,copying in exams, farting in classrooms and acting innocent, threatening your nemesis not to talk with the girl you like, class tours, gangs in classes, slam books, last bench rowdy boys are some of the incidents that float in the top of my mind when I think about my school life.

But one incident that all of us loved the most would be the three hour class session that happen in labs. The first real exposure to team work begins in these labs. The labs are places where experiments are done. Talking about experiments, I remember a quote by Dave Barry.

Males have a lot of trouble not looking at breasts. What is worse, males cannot look at breasts and think at the same time. In fact, scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. This was proved in a famous 1978 laboratory experiment wherein a team of leading male psychological researchers at Yale deliberately looked at photographs of breasts every day for two years, at the end of which they concluded that they had failed to take any notes.

Now I have every one's attention. Anyway I am not gonna write about Breasts. I will reserve a separate post for it. This post is all about Lab-Experiments. I do not know much about the experiments that happen in Biology lab. But I have a pretty good idea about the fun we had in

• Physics Laboratory
• Chemistry Labs and
• Computer Science Labs.

It is always better to remember the "Ten commandments of Lab Experiments". Every student should be aware of the Ten commandments

1. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
2. When you don't know what you're doing, do it with confidence and make it neat.
3. Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time. (It failed for your seniors and hence it should fail for you. In future it will fail for your juniors also.)
4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.(You have paid for it. Just break it)
5. To do a lab really well, have your record report done well in advance.( If you have a girlfriend, it is easy. Researches reveal that girlfriends are reliable record writers)
6. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question. ( Albert Einstein did that. You can do it too)
7. Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
8. Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else. ( A trait that will make you a great boss in the future)
9. No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.(The apple that fell on Newton's head. It should have been a coconut)
10. Multimeters, Magnets and lenses are devices that can be flicked.

Physics Lab

This is the same place where the dirty dream "I will become an engineer/scientist" is planted on the brain cells of innocent students. The whole class is divided into groups and each group will have 5 students at least .One of them will be a hard worker and the remaining 4 would hardly do any experiments.

• The bread board was introduced to me in a physics lab. The physical balance was one experiment no one has any clue about. But it was fun to play with weights of different dimensions. Then there was another experiment with prisms. This experiment happens in a dark room inside the physics laboratory.Again no clue why the experiment is done. The girls always do the experiment and the boys always fool around ogling at the girls. There are exceptional errors in boys too.

• Any experiment which involves magnets are always full of fun. I remember an experiment in which magnetic field of a bar magnet has to be determined using a compass. The girls rack their brains to arrive at the right measurements. But this is when we fun lovers go near them with other magnets in our shirt pockets. The magnetic field experiments have always been a disaster.

• Then there was this experiment which involve playing with electricity. We insert both the ends of a wire into the plug socket and switch it on and due to short circuit the power goes off. The usual interrogation starts and the whole class pays the fine.

• Playing with magnifying lens is fun too. Focus the light beam as a small dot on a girl's hand. She will feel the pain and this is the moment the boys rush to give her a helping hand. Yes someone gets lucky to touch her hand too. That someone will become the hero of the day among the boys. I have touched a few hands too.

• There are lab supervisors (Lab ASSistant teachers) who always spy on us. It is easy to cheat them. They are on constant rounds to check if we were doing our experiments properly. They would just check our data sheet. So we used to populate of data sheet with lot of data. For some experiments plotting a graph is necessary. When you do not know the exact data, it is always easy to first draw the curve and then plot the data on the curve.

The Chemistry lab is the only place in the entire school where Girls would look very pretty in the eyes of Boys. Chemistry lab is again the only place where one can fart freely and not get caught at the same time. Just smell Ammonium Sulphate and you would agree with me.

• The glass beakers with the Label "Ethanol, Methanol" are teasers for the boys. The chemistry lab gives all weird ideas about alcohol. The lab is full of dangerous chemicals and when crazy teenagers occupy it, it sure brings out wacky results.

• Phenolphthalein solution and titration experiments are fun. It is a different way of playing with colors. Sometime when the lab in-charge is not present, the festival of Holi is celebrated with great joy and laughter.

• Mixing mercury with Sodium Nitrate and concentrated sulphuric acid produces an effect which is indescribable. I have not tried it during my school days. I request the present school kids to try it at their own risk.

• Be very careful about any container that is labelled as "Concentrated _______ Acid". For evil pleasure sake, just empty the contents of the container in the sink and fill them all with water. Then strike a challenge with your friends saying that you can drink Concentrated Acid. You will instantly become the Hero of the class when you accomplish the task.

• You can also steal some costly salts from the chemistry lab. It gives you sadistic pleasure. But do not steal sodium chloride salt from the lab. It is nothing but the cooking salt that you can find in the kitchen at your home. You can also smuggle cooking powders like "chilly, coriander, turmeric" to the lab and mix them with the salts in the lab.

What ever you do, maintain a very good rapport with lab assistants. They help you during practical exams.

Computers... Computers... Computers... When I took computer science as my specialisation subject in school, Computers were just making inroads into the education system. I wanted to become an IT geek. I have ended up as an Blogging creep.

• "Basic" programming language was the most happening programming language then. If one could remember the DOS prompts by-heart, then he was treated as a computer genius.

• The first thing that comes into my mind is playing games in the computer lab. Dave,Maria, Prince of Persia and skyroads were the major games during those days. If you know the cheat codes, you are a computer genius.

(Chronicwriter is the guy in Blue T-shirt. This picture was taken during his MBA days in the computer lab)

• The Internet porn was also making inroads. The corner computer in the computer lab are always used to view Internet porn. The lab assistants also joins in for company. When girls are around, the boys seldom use the corner computer. Any boy using the corner computer, automatically became the bad boy among the girls.

• Switching off the computer when someone types a long program gives you the kick. Also unplugging the keyboard and mouse wires from the socket would make the user go bonkers for sometime. I don't know much about the computer labs of the present generation students.

You can share your lab memories in the comment section.

-Chronicwriter

My name is khan is the biggest hit in recent times;thanks to Shiv Sena and IPL3. I never thought that non-selection of Pakistani players for IPL-3 had such an impact to MNIK's success. But believe me,Khan is back on track and is making amends for his lost glory due to IPL2.

Love him or hate him, you just can't ignore him. He makes news everyday. "If he is not in the news even for a single day, we should blame it on the swine flu-Jhunjhunwala". My name is khan became a trending topic on twitter and everybody started to hashtag(#) "Mynameis" with their own creative sentences. The following ten tweets are in the top of my mind. If you are a tweeter, you would have seen some of these tweets.

1) Mynameis hashim amla and my beard is longer than my bat

2) Mynameis Rakhi and i am Virgin.

3) Mynameis Muthalik and i hate pink chaddis.

4) Mynameis Ballstalkray. My Nemesis is Khan

5) Mynameis iPad. I am not a tampon.

6)Mynameis Saniamirza and i specialise in first round exits

7) Mynameis Tiger and I wish Tiger Woods was one amongst us! Our population would not have gone down to 1411

8) Mynameis Obama. Yes we khan

9) Mynameis Chetan Bhagat and I block

10) Mynameis Chronicwriter. superman stole my red underwear.

• Join me on Facebook [link] for discussions on science, religion and sex.
• Join me on twitter [link] for funny updates.

"Save the Tiger" that roams freely in the woods, not the one hiding in his house. Tiger is the national animal of India ( I learnt it in school). If we do not save Tigers, our country might have to nominate some other animal for the national animal post. Three animals has the opportunity to take the role of the national animal of India.

1. Male Dogs (Because they are unique. They are the only species on earth which lifts one of its legs to pee)

2. Monkeys ( They resemble the chronicwriter. They are also available in plenty)

3. Balls Talk Ray ( Ultimately unique. Only one species available in one generation. Extinction rate is nil)

Male dogs and Monkeys can be domesticated. How ever scientists are still performing tests in the laboratory to find a solution to tame Balls Talk Ray. Hence Balls has a great opportunity to become the next national animal of India.

Apparently Balls Talk ray got its name because it is the only animal that can speak. We all know that parrots can speak. Parrot is a bird and it repeats what ever we say, even if it is crap. Balls Talk Ray is more special than the parrot. It doesn't repeat someone else's crap statement. It has the capacity in itself to talk crap all the time. Hence it is the only species in the world which can produce crap from both ends.

An example of Balls Talk Ray's Crap talk abilities

Recently Balls Talk Ray was watching a cricket match between India and Sri Lanka. Sachin Tendulkar was batting and Ravi Shastri was the commentator. Sachin has the habit of adjusting his groin guard before he takes his stance and while he was performing the adjustment act, Ravi Shastri said, " Sachin Tendulkar,the MasterBatsman is batting like a true champion".

Balls Talk Ray got agitated because he interpreted the action as "Sachin Tendulkar is Masturbating". The agitation led to some crap talk by him.

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