Tuesday, May 25, 2010

410. Eight Postures for a healthy life

The late Shri. Morarji Desai lived for 99 years. He had the habit of drinking his own urine. It is believed that drinking urine prolongs your life on earth. But still he fell short of the magic triple figure for the sole fact that he did not practice Chronicwriter's "Eight Postures for a healthy life".

"The eight postures for a healthy life" is an amazing discovery made by Chronicwriter. You must be knowing that Chronicwriter is an advanced expert in the field of Yoga, Reiki, KungFu, Judo. He combined all these art forms and formulated these "eight postures".

This post will change your life for sure. Chronicwriter Taught these 8 postures to a small kid and he is leading a healthy life. If anyone else had found these postures, they would have made a business out of this. But as Chronicwriter has a good heart, he is gonna share the 8 postures in this post- completely free of Cost. Yes! Absolutely free.

Chronicwriter's Top Model friend - "Saranya" agreed to help him for this post. She has posed for the 8 postures. Chronicwriter extends his gratitude to Saranya for helping him in this project. I request the readers to inhale deeply before reading the 8 postures. Please follow the instructions mentioned in each posture for best results.

Posture -1 : Four- finger Pose
  1. Stand near a wall with your right side facing the wall.
  2. Use your left hand to slightly scratch your left thigh
  3. Now lift your right hand and place it on your head and show your four fingers (Do not show your thumb)
  4. Stand in this position for 5 minutes

  • Good blood circulation
  • Hair loss will be reduced by 90 %
  • Swine flu can be prevented by this method
  • How ever this posture is very risky if the thumb is shown. So always avoid showing the thumb ( You might ask, " To whom? ". I have the same question too)
Posture-2: Ear drop pose
  1. This is a continuation of the previous posture. Slowly move your right hand and place it on your head
  2. Gently move your left hand and grab your waist
  3. Make it sure that your left ear-drop/ear-ring is visible.
  4. Stand in this position for 5 minutes

  • Increase in Hemoglobin count
  • Improved eye sight
  • Disappearance of pimples and wrinkles
  • If the waist is not grabbed, your dog might die.

Posture-3: Raised eyebrow Pose

  1. Grab your hair with both hands
  2. Show your back to the wall
  3. Raise your left eyebrow
  4. Stand in this pose for 5 minutes

  • Development of one more kidney
  • Increase in white blood cells
  • Good heart beat rate
  • If you raise your right eyebrow instead of your left eyebrow, you might even have a heart attack
Posture-4: Back biting Pose
  1. Face the wall and show your bare back
  2. Keep your left hand on your left hip
  3. Turn your face gently and place your chin on your left shoulder
  4. Stay in this position for 3 minutes

  • Weight reduction
  • Good digestion
  • If you exceed the 3 minute mark, mosquitoes might bite your bare back
Posture:5 - Sitting pose

  1. Sharon Stone sat like this in Basic Instinct-2
  2. Sit in this position for 5 minutes
  3. Keep on Inhaling. Do not exhale

  • Ability to Hear sounds greater than 20,000 Hertz
  • Strengthening of calf muscles
  • If you exhale, you might end up getting Bird flu
Posture:6 - Ear poking pose
  1. Show your back to the wall and poke your right ear with your right index finger
  2. Keep poking for 4 minutes

  • The wax in your right hair can be removed by this method
  • Excessive poking is not safe for the ear
Posture:7 - Hip-Thigh Pose

  1. Stand, with your right side facing the wall
  2. Place your left hand on your hip and your right hand on your right thigh
  3. Stand in this posture for 2 minutes

  • Diseases like Malaria, Rat flu, Cholera, Asthma, AIDS will flee away from your body

  • This posture should be done after eating. If this posture is done before eating, the chances of getting a dysentery is high
Posture:8 Sweet Whisper Pose
  1. This pose is exclusively for the ladies.
  2. Sit close to Chronicwriter and whisper sweet nothings on his ears.

  • Creates a burning sensation in the tummies of all the guys
  • Gives Chronicwriter an opportunity to smile like this
  • If you have a boyfriend, don't let your boyfriend know about this pose. It is highly risky for Chronicwriter
Please practice these 8 steps to have a healthy life

Note: I am waiting to see Saranya's expression when she reads this post.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

409. I have never puked. This is the first time

Disclaimer: All the characters mentioned in this post are real and all these are my real life friends.

Note: The author of this blog doesn't drink. But Alcohol was a part of his life from the year 1999 to 2008. In his ten years of association with alcohol, the most memorable are his college days. Over to Chronicwriter.

I remember those wonderful MBA days. Two sloshed years of my life. I have done many weird stuffs during these two years. Now when I turn back and reminisce about my college days, the most comical memories are those when me and my friends were drunk.

We never needed a reason to drink. In fact we invented reasons to drink. Some of the reasons were
  • When I flunked in one of the exam papers, my friends asked me to treat them.
  • When my friend Joseph bought three pairs of underwear, he treated us with drinks to share his joy
  • When our friend Shiv's love life bombed, we celebrated it with alcohol.
  • When my friend Varun's love life bloomed, we again drank.
  • When I first puked after getting drunk, my friends asked me to treat them.
Any place was O.K. for us as long as we could drink freely. We tried drinking in hostel once. But the fear of getting caught by the warden, did not allow us to drink in peace. So we always loved drinking in roof top bars, beaches, Punjabi dhabas, in the car, and even in the college ground.

The party time always starts with a cling sound of the glasses. The person who drinks the least occupies the position near the side dishes (chicken, papad, groundnut, cucumber, pickle, Pakoda, lemon, salt etc...) Everyone becomes an inspirational speaker when drunk. "Girls" are the Hot topic of boys when they drink. It beats all the other side dishes by a large margin.

" I guess she love me dude"

"Why do you think so?"

" She always smiles at me"

" She smiles at everyone"

The conversation goes on like this. After the first round of drinking gets over, I would be drunk and I would start singing. My friends would carry me and make me sit in the adjacent table and they would resume drinking. I would realize it very late and before I could make it to their table, they would be done with at least three more pegs and now everyone would be singing.

Suddenly Andy would get sentimental and say, " Brother! You are my best friend. No one else has been so true to me. If I had a sister, I would marry her off to you" . The conversations would now take an emotional shape. When everyone are in an emotional mood, Joseph would suddenly blurt out," I saw that girl's mom. She is very fat and very lovely. I Think that I can marry her tomorrow".As soon as he says this, we would come back to normalcy and we would all hit him.

Again we start drinking and we again open with the topic on Girls.

"Bro! Meera and Varun are going around"

Varun: " Yes guys! I am going around with Meera. So she is your sister in law"

Joseph: " I think the girl in my class has a crush on me"

We immediately change the topic and start talking about sports, politics and even world peace. Suddenly Shiv would start crying, " I loved her so sincerely. But why did she leave me?". There would be someone who would cry about their lost love in every drinking party. This is a mandatory event that happens in every party. " If only she had not left me, I would have married her and I would be celebrating my honeymoon now. I would not be sitting here and drinking with silly boys like you". We surround him and the thrashing continues.

We would then take our positions around the table and pour out the next peg and the drinking will continue. Suddenly Manu will start talking about stocks and share market. We would immediately change the topic back to "Girls". Then I would start singing again and when everyone gives me a stare, I would say," I am not drunk buddies" and stand up to prove to them that I am not drunk. But as gravitational pull is strong, I fall on the ground and my friends would pick me up and place me on my chair again.

Navin would then start telling his Kenyan stories about how he fought with the rhinoceros and we would listen to him in awe. In the mean time, I would be flicking chicken pieces from Jithin's plate and he would start cursing me in Malayalam, French and English .If only he had used these words in his GMAT exams, he would have completed his PhD in Harvard now. When his cursing skills crosses the limit, Joseph would pounce on him and bite his nose. That would leave Jithin in a shocked state of mind and he would not open his mouth, the rest of the night.

Then there would be people like Abraham, Joseph, Andy, Varun who would never get drunk even if they drink one gallon full of alcohol. To keep up with them, Shiv also tries to drink more and ends up vomiting. No one wants to get caught vomiting and Shiv is no exception too. For a man, Vomiting in front of his friends while drinking is similar to how a girl feels when she is gang raped by some men.

"I have never puked in my life. This is the first time"

We all laugh. Then I would feel like puking. But I would not like to do it in front of my friends. So I would tell them that i want to take a leak and I would walk slowly to the rest room. I would get inside the rest room and vomit a truck load of chicken and side dishes on the mirror, wash basin and the floor. My friends would wait for me for half an hour and when I do not come out of the rest room, they would rush to the rest room and splash water on my face and would carry me back to the table and I would say, " I did not pass out. I was just lying down". They would start laughing again. Suddenly Shyam starts dancing and his dancing skills are amazing indeed. The party ends in mayhem.

Till this day, none of us have a clue, how we all drove back to college hostel and how we ended up in our beds. The next mornings would be the worst mornings. We would have hangovers and our head would ache so much that we would make a pledge not to drink again in our entire life. We would go to our classes and sit in the last row and we would be in a trans state through out the day. Our professors always thought that we concentrated very well on their lectures. As evening approaches, Joseph would send a text message to all of us . It would read ," Tonight party guys?" and we would all have that million dollar smile on our faces again. As soon as college gets over, we will jump into our cars and would head for yet another action packed night.

To know more about the characters that I mentioned in this post, I have added some of the memorable drinking pictures. Each picture has a story behind it.

The day Shiv bought a bike

Joseph bought an Underwear

When our professor chucked us out of our classroom,we celebrated it.

The day before our Financial Management Exam. None of us studied. Hence we decided to get drunk

Joseph's underwear is stolen. Hence this treat

Last day in college

Also check this 6 second video. During one drinking party, My friends asked me to do a one hand stand. I tried to do the one hand stand. I did not notice my friend Midhun flexing his muscles. My one hand stand went wrong and i ended up kicking Midhun's eyes. He still has the black mark on his eyes. Check the video here.

Now, I do not drink any more. My priorities in life have changed. But when I think about those drunken days, I have this wry smile on my face.


Monday, May 17, 2010

408. Twitter for blondes

During the summer of 2009, a friend of mine sent me a request to join in a social networking site called "Twitter". I ignored her request and continued to show my loyalty to Facebook. But very soon everyone started talking about Twitter; but still i did not want to fall into the trap of yet another social networking site. But by the end of 2009, when my friend(enemy) Robert joined Twitter, I could not take it any longer. I created a Twitter account [link]too. When a person like Robert (who could not differentiate between the right hand and the left hand and often uses the wrong hand for the right reasons) could have a twitter handle, why could not I?

After creating a twitter Username, I tried to explore deep into the social networking site and after spending 24 hours on the site, I decided to call it quits. After two months , when I reopened my twitter account, I had around 100 followers. I had tears in my eyes. How could I crush the hearts of hundred souls who were waiting to see one brilliant tweet from me. To attract their attention, I tweeted a brilliant one liner and logged off. The next day when I logged in again, 50 followers had unfollowed me.

This post is to educate my blonde girlfriends about Twitter. After reading this post, you would be enlightened. You can even erect a statue for me and sit underneath it and gain wisdom. I would not mind it. But before we go any further, let us know a little bit of Twitter from our Sexy PlayBoy.

Twitter for blondes

Do you remember the English classes during our school days? The English miss (That's how I used to call her) used to give us a big paragraph and ask us to convert it into one sentence.

For example, she would give us a paragraph like this
" On a warm and sunny Saturday afternoon, Mike, his wife Teresa and their three children went to the beach to have a fun time. The kids built sand castles. Suddenly a mad dog came there and bit Joshua's leg and hand. Joshua was the second son of Mike and Teresa. Joshua started screaming aloud in pain. His hand and leg started bleeding. Ryan got scared and ran to his mommy. Ryan was just 2 years old and he was the youngest kid of Mike and Teresa. Mike always doubted that Ryan was not his baby because Ryan's face resembled Chriz's face. Chriz was Mike's friend. When Mike saw Joshua in pain, he rushed towards his son and saw his hands. The hands had the bite marks of the dog . Then he saw his son's legs. It was bleeding too. His heart started beating fast and he asked the question,"Why God? Why Me?"
and she would ask us to convert it, into a single sentence. I was in 6th grade then. I would think hard and finally shrink the paragraph into a telegraphic message like this

"Why Blood? Same Blood!"
If you could shrink any story and produce a telegraphic message as short as this, then you are ready to join the twitter league of men and women. But there is a hidden agenda to it. One can't type more than 140 characters in a single tweet. If you are a king/Queen of one liners, then twitter is for you.

"Bloggers like me , who have the habit of typing long posts usually will not succeed much in twitter". The rate at which I lose followers everyday is a proof for the previous statement. If you can't express your thoughts in a single line, don't even dare to dream of using twitter in your life.

Now after creating a twitter handle, you might ask the question, " What should I tweet?". You can tweet anything of your choice.
  • You can tweet about your girlfriend
  • You can tweet about the breakfast that you had.
  • You can tweet about what you did at that very instant. If you had just yawned, you can tweet that too
  • You can tweet about your boss . But make it sure that your boss is not following you.
Talking about followers, they are the poor souls who would be able to read all that you tweet on your page. If you are concerned about preserving them , tweet sensibly. The author of this blog was so concerned about preserving his followers and hence used to tweet sensibly. He lost many followers. Now he tweets crap and still loses followers. So now he has become a numb tweeter.

If you want to make your presence felt in the twitter world, constantly talk about the latest topics. Don't just stick on to one topic. Tweet about politics, sports, music, movies, spirituality and all that you can dish out from google.

Always remember that you have to follow some people so that they become your followers. Some souls do not reciprocate your love for them and they never follow you. If their tweets are brilliant , you can forgive them. But if their tweets are useless like yours, you can unfollow them. But if you are Sachin Tendulkar, you need not follow anyone. Everyone will start following you.

There are terms like "hashtags # , Retweet RT, Trending topics" which you would understand once you start using twitter. Now you might think that you can do all this using chat messenger itself. So why Twitter?

A chat session requires two people at least. One person will type and the other person will read that crap and reply. But twitter doesn't require two people at all. You alone can do it. It is almost like speaking to yourself. I am pretty sure that all of us have the habit of speaking to ourselves when we stand in front of the mirror. Twitter is like that. Your followers will know what you are speaking to yourself. That is the whole point behind twitter.

No wonder, Paris Hilton has defined Twitter as "Verbal Masturbation"

Yes! You can do it alone.


Sunday, May 16, 2010

399. Sex Education

Sex Education has become a part and parcel of every academic institution. How ever, many teachers find it very hard to explain the concept of sex to 10 year old kids. This post gives a very simple practical approach which can be adopted by teachers to explain Sex to the kids. If you are a parent and if you are finding it hard to explain Sex to your kid, you can use this method. Risk is entirely yours. Do not blame me for the repercussions.
This is adapted from an e-mail...

-Author unknown

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

406. Dr. Joseph Vijay - The Shark god (Sura)

Dr. Joseph Vijay Chandrasekhar is the biggest gift that Tamilnadu has ever got in History. He is a phenomenon that has taken the Tamil film Industry by storm. He has donned many death defying roles and has acted in 50 films till date. His latest movie Sura (Shark God) is definitely worth an Oscar. This post is a review on Sura. But before I get into the movie review, I should introduce this PhD genius of my country to my Non-Tamil friends.

Note: If you are a Dr. Vijay fan you need not read any further. This post might give you a heart attack. If not, it will definitely force you to hate Chronicwriter

Dr. Vijay

Dr. Vijay was destined to be a super hero. But just because he was reluctant to wear the underwear outside his pants, he was born as a normal human being. Vijay means victory. He was born on 22 June 1974. Doctors, Scientists, Numerologists and Deepak Chopra predicted that he would be born on 21st June 1974. But Dr. Vijay wanted to prove them wrong and prolonged his own appearance on earth and hence entered this world a day later. This baffled all the experts and immediately they named 21st June as the longest day in a calendar year (A True tribute to Dr. Vijay)
Dr. Vijay started his acting career when he turned 18. When his first film Naalaiya Theerpu (Tomorrow’s judgment) was released in the year 1992, AIDS started spreading in Africa and eventually Magic Johnson tested positive for HIV.

Vijay is an excellent dancer, stunt man, romance artist, singer, sentimental actor and midnight masala dancer.If you could remember the program “Midnight Masala” (Sun TV) which single handedly corrupted the innocent minds of millions of young adults (including Chronicwriter's) in the mid nineties, you would definitely remember Vijay. Midnight Masala was a program that was screened at 12 am.Dr. Vijay was a regular dancer in that program. He would reveal his belly button in almost all the songs that he danced.To prove his versatility, he decided to quit his Midnight Masala activities and started acting in romantic movies. Some of his movies that I would recommend for you are
  • Kaadhalukku Mariyadhai ( Respect for Love) - A movie in which he elopes with his girlfriend only to realise that she loves her parents more and hence decides to drop her back at her home
  • Thullaadha manamum thullum ( The heart that doesn't jump will jump) - A movie in which the heroine is a collector and he even makes the collector to run behind him in love.
  • Friends - A movie in which he sits in a chair for 6 long years because of constipation problem.
  • Kushi ( Happy) - A movie in which his girlfriend donates blood to him and he reciprocates his love by glancing at her hips.
  • Gilli ( Smartass) - A movie in which he inspires his kabbadi team to win the finals even after losing in the semifinals
  • Pokkiri ( Bad boy) - A movie in which he acts as an undercover agent with a love for uppuma

After acting in movies depicting his acting talents, he decided to venture into comedy roles. He immediately struck Gold. Today he is the number one comedian in Tamil film industry. Actors like Vadivel and Vivek (who are great comedians too) are no match to Vijay's exemplary comedy skills.

He has been instrumental in inducing head aches, dysentery, heart attacks, nausea, kidney disorder and urinary infection to those who watch his movie. Because of his movies, medical practioners are lucky enough to have more patients in their hospitals. The doctors have become rich in the past few years solely because of Vijay. Hence to honor him, they presented him with a honorary Doctorate degree.

Sura was his 50th film as hero. Chronicwriter wanted to be the first person to write a review on the movie. But when he saw the movie, he suffered heavy dysentery and hence could not immediately write a review. Now he is alright and still alive and living to tell the story.

Sura – Review

Disclaimer: Everything that is written below is true and if you have any nauseating symptoms while reading the review, feel free to throw up on your laptop/computer/mobile phone.

I spent 12 dollars to watch this flick. If I could convert it to Indian money it would be Rs 396. I could have used the same money to buy myself a dozen poompukar underwears. But still I decided to spend this money on Dr. Vijay’s movie, because I used to admire his acting skills during my college days. I regret it now, but still the movie is now worth a blog entry.

The movie opens in the beach. NDTV,TIMESNOW, Bark Dutt and Anshuman gather at the Yazhnagar beach in search of some juicy gossip. The fishermen of Yazhnagar are missing in action for 6 long days. Helicopters , rescue boats go inside the sea to search for them and successfully brings them back to the shore. But our hero “sura” does not return to the shore. With sad background music, the viewers are made to believe that the hero had lost his life inside the sea. If only he had lost his life inside the sea, it would have done the film a world of good. But our hero suddenly emerges out from the middle of the sea and zooms up into the air like AGNI missile, swims in the air for approximately 7 kilometers and lands on the shore (See below picture)

As soon as he reaches the shore, he runs inside the village and starts dancing with the babes of the village. This is the first song of the movie. When he comes out of the water, his shirt is brown in colour and when he reaches the shore and starts dancing, it automatically becomes blue(see picture below). The director of the movie must have written the script on a toilet paper for sure.

Sura is the brother for every girl in the village and the son for every parent. In other words, He is the pillar of support to all the families. He even makes a pledge that he would marry only after all the problems of the villagers’ are met. But after seeing Tammanna (the heroine of the movie), he changes his plans and breaks the pledge.

Vadivel (Comedian) tries his level best to crack jokes, but he stands no comparison to the comical genius of Vijay. If you think that I would be writing a review on this movie, I feel sorry for you, because there is no content in the movie that I could actually write about. But one thing is guaranteed, “Sura is an outright entertainer” and if you want to have some laughs, I would recommend it for you.

How ever,Pregnant ladies can avoid watching this movie. But if you want to have immediate labor pains, Sura is the movie for you.

The punch dialogues in the movie are scattered all across the movie, like a crow pooping into the Tiffin boxes of school children. One punch dialogue is worth mentioning,

“ Sura kitta modhuradhum, Transformerkulla thalaiya viduradhum
( Fighting against Sura is similar to Inserting your
head inside an Electric Transformer)

Watching this movie gives you the same effect also. You might think that I am satirically criticizing the movie and the actor. But if you have common sense and Love for good movies, then you would relate to my feelings.


Tuesday, May 04, 2010

405. Celebrities caught Red Handed

Do you guys remember Mr.X ? (The alter-ego of Chronicwriter). He has become a private detective. He was undercover for a long time and during this period, he unearthed many dark secrets of many celebrities in India. He is gonna reveal some of the secrets in this post. Sit back, relax and enjoy this fun ride along with Mr.X

Shushma Swaraj tried the unachievable act by trying to hug MISS. Jeyalalitha.
Her attempt was unsuccessful.She could only cover 20 % of Jeyalalitha's body and that itself was a record of sorts in recent times. By the way, did you guys notice the white hand kerchief in Sushma's hand? When Sushma failed in her attempt to hug Jeyalalitha, she was filled with rage and hence rubbed some of her phlegm on Jeyalalitha's back.

Miss Jeyalalitha was under Mr.X's scrutiny yet again. This time, he caught the
single-Virgin momma of Tamil soil red handed when she received a bunch of yellow roses from Mr.RAM-DOS. Mr. RAM DOS is the founder of DOS programming language and the speed of the computer is measured using his first name RAM.

The greatest discovery of the 21st century was made by Judge Tahiliyani when he declared Ajmal Kasab guilty of all the 86 charges filed against him. It took 16 long months to make this amazing discovery. One among the charges included "walking inside the railway station without a platform ticket". I do not know whether to celebrate or hang my head in shame. Kasab is just a leaf of a tree. This leaf could have been plucked away long ago. But there are strong branches and roots which are still roaming around freely.DCP VN Salve and ACP Prakash Wani who had a great jingalinga dance party with Chota Rajan and co are still roaming around freely. Gun Man Sanjay Dutt is winning hearts with his acting in MunnaBhai series.Super cops like Rathore who was responsible for a 14 year old girl -Ruchika's death is still roaming freely. Is it all over by sentencing Kasab to death? That spoilt brat would be more than happy to hang so that he could be happy with the 72 virgins. I wish he gets a surprise by meeting 72 male virgins.Do you remember Jaish-e-Mohammed militant Mohd Afzal? He was sentenced to death for the 2001 attack on parliament. He is still having fun behind bars eating mutton biriyanis which are a a product of the taxes that we pay to the Government. My ideas and opinions would be ignored for sure. They say that opinions are like Butt-holes. Everyone has one. This is my opinion. You might have yours. Feel free to state yours. I don't mind listening to it.

The Kasab verdict sparked a trigger on Twitter and a hashtag #punishmentforkasab became popular. Some of the tweets that caught my attention are added here

  • Make him date Mayawati
  • Make KASAB to inflate the MRF blimp using only his mouth!!
  • 48 hours in a locked room with nithyananda ( that is punishment for nithyananda)
  • make him listen to jeppiar's speech (That is not a punishment. That is entertainment)
  • make him watch "sura movie" hundred times ( Chronicwriter's next post is a review about this movie)
Chronicwriter also added a couple of tweets and all his tweets had some links to ipl.The ipl bug hasn't left him yet. These are his tweets.
  • make sreesanth to teach him to dance.. mutual punishment for both.
  • make rakhi sawant to give him a smooch
  • tie him to a wall and make Keiron Pollard to hit the cricket ball at him
  • hang him next to the MRF blimp
  • make him sleep between shoaib malik and sania mirza (You might think that Kasab would be lucky as he would have access to Sania. But you should also remember that Shoiab Malik would have access to Kasab)

Apparently Justice M.L. Tahalyani read out the 1,522-page verdict over almost three hours.He would not have read that much even for his BL,ML exams. That is actually a punishment for Tahalyani and not Kasab.

Mean while, Tamilnadu Chief Minister Karunanithi was caught red handed when he gave this rose bouquet to Mrs. Sonia Gandhi. It is also a bunch of yellow roses. I guess that the political babes have a weak heart for yellow roses.

Two years ago ,19 year old French player Tatiana Golovin shook the tennis world by displaying her red underwear in wimbledon. If you take a closer look at the underwear, you would realise that it is actually the famed red underwear of Chronicwriter. Now please don't link them both. Chronicwriter would not mind getting linked with the French Girl. But the girl will feel sorry to be linked with him.