Friday, January 29, 2010

386. Padmashree for Ajmal Kasab?

Bharat Ratna, Padma Vibhushan, Padma Bhushan and Padma Shree are the four civilian awards that are presented to deserving Indians on Republic day. I went through the recipient list of this year and I was happy to see many deserving people in that List. I was especially very happy to see Music Maestro Illaiyaraja's name in the list.

But when I found that Actor Saif Ali Khan had got the PadmaShree, my brain started tormenting me. "Why did he get the award? Is it because of his different hairstyles? or Is it because of the different girlfriends he has ditched so far?"
  • I have had various hairstyles too.Check my facebook profile pictures to see the various hairstyles that i have had in my life. Click here [Facebook link] to become my facebook friend.
  • I haven't ditched any girl in my life; but atleast i had been ditched by many girls
So I should have been in the Padma Shree list too. I am not grumpy here. I have gone through many disappointments in my life. So I can digest this great injustice that is dealt towards me. But why hasn't Ajmal Kasab got a Civilian Award yet? He is the lone survivor among the bunch of santa clauses who came to deliver gifts to people of all ages in Mumbai on November 26th 2008. Crores and crores of money is being utilized for his Princely stay in our country. In his One year stay in India, he has learnt Marathi and he has even watched Rakhi ka swayamvar. As a single person, if he can do a great change for our country, why did not he receive the award this year? It is complete injustice. We should wait and see if he gets his much deserved award at least in 2011. Sources say that he was seen crying when he did not receive the award.

Crying is a natural phenomenon that is attached free of cost with the female community. I am not partial to men here. I have cried too. I have emotionally blackmailed many people in my life too. Emotional blackmailing is an art that has to be mastered with practice. I started practising it at a very early age. I hated idlis when I was a kid. (Idli is a south Indian dish which is white in colour and has close resemblance to Drew Barrymore's cheeks.) When ever my mom made idlis for breakfast, I would emotionally blackmail her by saying, " Mom I am gonna leave the house and I am not gonna come back again. I promise". My mom would say, " OK. Chriz. You can leave now". She would never show a sign of anxiety over her son's emotional gameplay. So I would make the next move and would leave the house and would hide at my neighbour's place for sometime. Even such an act would not move my mom. Hence I would return to my house. "Why am I saying this here?". Lot of bloggers do this all the while. If they are lazy to blog or if they wanna gain some attention, they suddenly leave a message in their blog saying, " I am leaving blogsville". All their friends would comment " Please don't go". Shamelessly they would return to blogging within a week. This is a common trend that one can see in the blog world. [I have used this trick too when I left blogging in 2008 only to return back to blogging in 2009]. Such people (Including me) are very bad decision makers and they take life as it comes.

This emotional blackmailing BUG has recently hit sports personalities too. Justin Henin, Kim Clijsters left the tennis scene two years ago only to sneak back into the game. Lance Armstrong did that in Tour de France. Michael Schumacher is playing mind games with his own heart. He would be back too. When Oprah Winfrey announced her last show, I smiled to myself and said, " Not again".
Recently a reader of this page wanted to know Why I did my MBA in Kerala?

I never went to Kerala because of the Toddy, neither did the phrase "God's own country" pull me. It was not the omanakutties (Babes) either. Shakeela is definitely not the reason too. If you are an Indian and if you do not know who shakeela is, you should feel ashamed of yourself. That's all I can say. By the way Shakeela is getting married soon. Actress Rambha has tied the knot too. But these news hasn't broken my heart yet because Sania mirza has called off the engagement with her childhood friend Sohrab Mirza. I know she loves me.

Critics of this blog call this as a rated blog with cheap crap. A video was recently found in the internet which proves that Chronicwriter's blog is full of crap. In this video, A mother goes Mad when she finds what her son was up to. Check this small video clip. The language is Spanish. The subtitles (annotations) would guide you through the video.


Monday, January 25, 2010

385. Revealing the Navel

A friend of mine asked me a very interesting question, "Chriz! How do I convince my wife to allow the maid to sleep between us tonight?". I didn't have an answer for him. Hence I asked my friends to answer this question and many of my friends answered this tricky question. I liked two of the answers. Here are those two answers

Nirmal : Ask him to tell his wife , " our relation is no more pure, its dirty. Someone should help us clean this dirt between us." then his wife would have no choice but to fulfill his dream

Swati Nair : Ask your friend to strike a deal with his wife. This week maid gets to sleep in between, next week maid's husband gets to sleep in between. All settled - every one's happy :)

I forwarded these two answers to my friend and I guess he tried convincing his wife with these answers . His wife has stopped their maid from coming to their house and my friend sleeps in the couch these days. He is not sad anyways, because he gets to watch the football matches on T.V.

His wife also realised that I was the culprit behind the whole drama. I soon got a phone call from her too. I thought that she would scream at me but instead she said," Chriz, Is it O.K to reveal navel in a Saree?". I did not have an immediate answer. So I told her that I would answer her within 24 hours.
Immediately, I started surfing the net to have an idea about the secret behind revealing navel while draping a saree. I happened to see pictures of navel piercings, belly button rangoli, navel maska-chaska and in one picture I even saw more than what I was supposed to see. So immediately I closed that site ( I am innocent and hence I did that decent act.) Still I did not get an answer to the question. I approached my friend "Sweeti Sinta" to help me on this.

She patiently replied , " Chriz, A girl would reveal her navel essentially because of two reasons

1. The girl would reveal unintentionally. But still because of her lean frame, the Saree would automatically move down and rest on her hips. In such a scenario, the bellybutton is available for public display. This is totally unintentional.

2. The girl would reveal her belly button intentionally. Because revealing belly button increases the sexy quotient of the revealer. More over guys like it that way.

Invariably, intentional or unintentional, revealing of the belly button always brings good luck to the nation. It has brought about a great rise in the population of our country too.I also found out from her answer that girls with size zero body like "Kareena Kapoor and co" fall under the first category.But I also found that Kareena intentionally falls under the second category also. I would like to salute all the girls who show their belly buttons. You have made us proud.

I get the creeps whenever I realise that women are doing such a great noble deed for the nation. (Note:A few weeks ago women around the globe revealed their bra color to support Breast Cancer) . Does that mean that Men have not done anything worthwhile for our country? If you think that the answer to this question is YES, then it is time that I told you all a true story.
Six years ago, when Chronicwriter was doing his Masters in Business Administration, he and his friends decided to do something that would get them into the good books of the college management. Chronicwriter used to be a crazy maniac in his college days and he was game for any level of immature act to garner attention (as if he has changed now). The babes in the college gave an open dare to the male community. The dare was to walk all the way from boys hostel to girls hostel. You might think that it was easy. But it was not that easy. The dare did not end there. It had additional responsibilities
  • The guy who performs the dare act, should be wearing only a towel and nothing else (not even slippers) The distance between the girls hostel and the boys hostel was 500 metres. The college was located between the girls hostel and the Boys Hostel. So the guy who performs the act had to cross the college too.
  • Under any circumstance, the boy who performs the dare was not supposed to tell the college management that it was a game between the girls and the boys.
  • A prize money of Rs 5000/- will be given to the winner
I was selected by my friends to perform the dare. Vimal (The guy in blue t-shirt) is an artist and he painted by bare body. My room mate (Joseph Pius) also got a bird tattooed on his back, thanks to Vimal's artistic skills. This picture was taken moments before I commenced my "Navel walk"
Moral of the story : If you are doing your MBA in Rajagiri School of Management in Cochin and if you want to get suspended from college for a week, you can perform this dare act.
Trivia: Gandhiji also revealed his bellybutton when he performed the Dandi March.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

384.The Eve of my life

I have received many phone calls from strangers. I always used to say "Wrong number and hang up. But after I saw the movie Phonebooth, I started to react differently to calls from strangers. One day I got a call from a stranger.

*Tring Tring* . My Handphone started ringing. It was an unknown number. I picked it up.

Unknown Person : Hello! Is this Chronicwriter?
Me: Yes. Who is this?
Unknown Person : I am Anil Ambani
Me: ok. What do you want?
Unknown Person : I want to have an appointment with you.
Me: For what?
Unknown Person : I would like to have a business talk with you
Me : So?
Unknown Person : Can I meet you sometime for dinner?
Me: No. You can't. I don't meet up with strangers.

I kept the phone and continued to play the game "solitaire" on my computer. After sometime I thought of going for a ride. I wore my yellow T-shirt and a tiny shorts, so that I could reveal my sexy thighs and my hairy legs. I came out of my house and was about to kickstart my bike (Passionplus) when I saw the most beautiful girl crossing my house on a pink scooty. Immediately the Angel within me said, "Chriz! You are a good boy. You are not supposed to chase girls in your bike". I was about to obey the angel within me, when my alter-ego said," Chriz, What are you waiting for? You have already started your bike. She might be your future". My alter-ego's statement made sense to me and the next moment, my bike started following her. She was wearing a black T shirt and a blue three fourth jean. She was the epitome of beauty. Was I falling in love? My heart beat started to race faster. My bike went faster too. Soon I overtook her. When I overtook her, questions started running across my mind - " Is She Tamil too? Should I call up my mother and tell that she need not hunt for a bride for me anymore?". I turned around and smiled at her. She smiled back at me. That was the sweetest ever smile, even better than Renu's (Renu was my first love. I still have feelings for her). I immediately slowed down and allowed her to overtake me. She overtook me and raced past me."Why did she smile at me? Was she in love with me too? Did she see my sexy legs?. These thoughts crowded my head and when I came back to reality, I had lost her in the traffic. I searched for her for the next 30 minutes and I could not find her. "Is this the shortest ever love story?", I thought to myself and parked my bike near a tree and went to a near by shop to drink some coffee. I finished my cup of coffee and I started walking towards my bike and I couldnot believe my eyes. She was there. She had parked her scooty next to my bike and she was holding on to the branch of a tree and she was admiring some little children who were playing near my bike. I started admiring my "Black-T shirt babe". I took my mobile phone and even clicked a picture of her. I walked past her. She did not notice me.

I walked past her again. She noticed me this time. I started a conversation with her

Me: Cute kids. Isn't it? ( Decent pick up line?)

She : Yes. I love kids

Me: I have never seen you around. New to this place?

She: Yes. We moved here this week.

Me : My name is Robin. Christopher Robin

She : That comic character? Winnie the pooh? hahaha

Me : Did you just call me a cartoon ? ( A fake sympathy creating statement. I was liking this conversation because a complete stranger was actually pulling my leg )

She : Sorry. Din't mean it that way. I like that Character. My name is Eve.

Me : Nice name. I have to leave now. ( I always keep my first conversation short and simple)

She : You ride pretty fast indeed. That's dangerous. Take care.

(Why was she concerned about me? I knew she was in love with me)

Me : You too. By the way, you have a nice scooty.

She : You have a good bike too. But I love Yezdi bike more than Passion plus.

The very same evening, I sold my passion plus bike for Rs.15,300/- and bought a second hand Yezdi bike for Rs 22,000/- and that is how Yezdi Yezhumalai was born. You would have heard names like Bullet Bhaskar and Cycle Chain Kabali. They are history and they don't exist anymore. But Yezdi Yezhumalai came into existence with one single aim in Life, and that is to become Eve's real life hero.

Click the above picture to see Yezdi Yezhumalai's coir belt and his Red bottom shoes. The next morning I met Eve again, in the same place. She was admiring the kids and I was admiring her. She was so happy to see my Yezdi bike.

She : Can I sit in the bike?

(I was expecting this question from her. My pillion seat was waiting for her)

Me: Sure. Just hop in.

She: I want to ride it. You can ride my scooty

My face shrunk to the size of a gooseberry. She took my Yezdi and started riding it. I followed her in her PINK scooty.She went to an icecream parlour and said "Chriz, can we eat some Icecream?". I agreed, though I was sad inside that she did not come with me in my Yezdi bike. But at the same time I was really happy because she was initialising all the conversation eventhough it was just our second meeting. She sat next to me and started eating choco-Almond slush. I started admiring her again. Her eyes looked so beautiful through the black frame of her glasses. Her green tops were an exact match to my green socks. I asked her to pose for a snap. She gave a cute pose.

We went back to our respective houses. I got her mobile number too. Soon we started talking with each other over the phone and we got pretty close too. I even confessed to her about Renu and I even told her about the secret powers that I got from my red underwears. One day I decided to propose her. So I asked her if I could take her for a lunch date. She agreed to me on one condition. The condition was that I had to come in my Yezdi bike. The next day I went to the eating joint where I was supposed to meet her. I had asked her to wear the same black t-shirt that she was wearing the first time i saw her. She was already there. She came in a cab. She told that her scooty was in the service station and thats why she had to come in the cab. We had lunch together. I paid the bills. I was waiting for an opportunity to propose her. I soon got the opportunity when she asked me to click a picture of her. She posed for me by hugging a pillar.

After clicking the picture, I asked her, " Can I be the pillar in your life?". She did not understand it immediately.After a few seconds she understood it and smiled at me. She was calm. " Was that a sign of agreement?".Then she spoke and said, "Chriz, can I answer you after riding your Yezdi?". I nodded in agreement. She kick started my bike and went for a ride. It has been 5 days now and she has not come back yet. Has she gone for a long ride?
I miss my Yezdi bike.
I miss my Eve
Am I the pillar of her life?

Monday, January 18, 2010

383. Wash your underwear

If you are suffering from dysentery, please go to the toilet; If you are not suffering from dysentery, please read this post. When you finish reading this post, you would be a victim of dysentery

Everytime i look into the mirror, i see myself reflected back by the mirror. I have asked many people who look at the mirror. They see themselves in the reflection. If you know that you are going to see yourself in the mirror, what is the point of looking at the mirror in the first place?

The above question was posed by a friend to me. In fact he was right in posing that question. It has a great logic too. So I have decided not to stare at the mirror anymore. In the mean time, i have been trying very hard to post a picture of my red underwear. But i am not getting an opportunity to post my red underwear's picture in my blog. Talking about underwears, it has been the greatest ever invention of man.

Underwear was invented by a Tamil man by the name,"Jatti". Jatti was a tailor and he lived very long ago. One day when he was stitching clothes, he saw a man running on the streets without any clothes. The naked man was shouting "Eureka, Eureka". A dog chased the naked man and bit his lollipop. Jatti ran to the biting scene and saved the naked man from the dog and treated him. He then stitched an undergarment for the naked man and that particular piece of clothing came to be called as "jatti" (named after the inventor. Jatti is tamil for underwear). The naked man was none other than Archimedes. The following picture shows that it is time to change the underwear.

So if you have not washed your underwear, do not worry. You can wait till flees flock around your rear end or you can wait till your dog drops dead. So the Moral of this picture is "Please wash your underwears". Three of my underwears went missing in the past one week. I feel sorry for that poor soul who stole my underwear. May that soul rest in peace. My sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

A friend of mine recently asked me a very interesting question, "Chriz! How do I convince my wife to allow the maid to sleep between us tonight?". I am still searching for a proper answer that would help my friend to convince his wife. If you have any brilliant suggestions, please let me know.

Now you should be suffering from dysentery. So please rush to the loo

Monday, January 11, 2010

382. Sitting under the coconut tree

Wiger Toods : Hey buddy. Now the whole world knows about my affairs. I couldn't even show my face outside
Chronicwriter : Don't worry Bro. Things will be alright soon
Wiger Toods : But I have a fetish for undergarments. What should I do?
Chronicwriter : Give me a ring. I have an idea.

The very next day, Women around the globe started to post the color of their Bra as their status message. They were under the assumption that by posting their Bra color as their status message, they were donating money for Breast cancer. An email recently went out to women asking them to post the color of their BRA as their status to voice their support for Breast Cancer. It was a Spam email. This was the biggest prank that was ever played on the female community in recent times. The previous prank that was played on a woman happened when the serpent fooled Eve regarding the forbidden fruit. If you are a woman reading this and if you were a victim of the status message prank in FB, do not feel bad.You are not alone. 75 % of the women fell for this prank.

I am just waiting for similar status message pranks that would be soon played on the male community so that I could unleash my Red underwear. Would it be for Prostrate Cancer? or would it be for an accident caused by improper Brazilian waxing? or would it be at least Piles?

When I was young, I used to sit under one coconut tree near my house. Every time I sat under that coconut tree, my brain would be filled with humor instincts and I would share jokes with all my friends. My friends never knew that, my humor quotient was increasing day by day because of that coconut tree. In fact till date, i have not shared this secret with anyone. Buddha garnered wisdom sitting under a Bodhi tree.

Physics was one of the subjects that i hated in school. Matters became worse because of the complicated equations and findings of Sir. Isaac Newton. When he was a little boy, he was sitting under an apple tree. An apple fell on his head and from that onwards he started blabbering some unwanted words. Those words occupy a major junk of physics books around the Globe. He should have sat under a coconut tree. Either he would have become a humorist or at least a coconut would have fallen on his head and would have made things easier for all of us.

I found the following two questions on FB status messages. I thought of answering these questions

1.How do you differentiate between a male bird and a female bird?
Male birds lift one of their legs to pee. Female birds sit and pee

2.Every girl's dream is to be rescued by the prince but in reality, he NEVER turns up. Why?

Because these days, girls never kiss Frogs.

Note: I used to read a Big book on Jokes, while sitting under that coconut tree.


Thursday, January 07, 2010

381. Life changing decisions

A year passed by like whiskey going down Shane Warne's throat. 2009 went like a whisker. I have become old and this might be the last Bachelor year for me. I have taken a few resolutions too ( as though i am gonna abide by it)

The resolutions

I promise not to add pictures of beautiful girls with the bad intention of pulling more ogling-readers to my page.

I have decided to stop clubbing . Even if i dance, I would never ever dance with a taller girl. The last time I danced with someone taller than me (Thanks to Saranya's three inch heels) i dropped her on the floor.

And I would never teach Salsa to a guy. I am not gonna give wrong signals to all the non-straight people out there.

I promise never to have this Osama Bin laddu beard again in my life. I was stopped and interrogated at the airport. It took 15 minutes for them to realise that I was just a comedy piece.

I hereby promise to work hard for the "Save Earth" campaign. Earth is the only planet where one can find Mandira Bedi.

I will not hang around girls - they think you love them and that sucks.

I will never ever pinch baby-bums and make them cry. I took many other decisions too. I promise to write at least two blog-posts per month. But before I complete this post, I would like to pass on a very shocking message to all working people/students. People with a weak heart are not advised to view the following picture.

Wish you a Happy New year.