Dec 17, 2009

380. Farmville and the idiots

To start with, I would like to extend my gratitude to all my readers for voting me as India's third most humorous writer in the recently concluded indibloggies poll. The vital statistical information of the poll is added here. I bow down to all my friends who voted more than once from proxy ids. The results of this year's polls has taught me to be more vigilant and competent for next year's finals. I promise to create many e-mail ids before next year's poll.

Moving on to today's topic, I am gonna write about one thing that gets on my nerves every time i go online. I am talking about Farmville. Farmville is an addictive game application found in facebook.Farmville fans can now enjoy the addictive farming game on http://www.farmville.com/ and bypass the Farmville Facebook App which they have been using so long. You still require to connect to Facebook for log in, so that you can retrieve your saved game and level, but the interface is much better. I was never sucked into the Farmville Craze even though, I was once forced to join Farmville by one blackmailing friend of mine.

Let me tell you, how i was tricked to join farmville. It was a cold November night. I was online and I was asking my friends to vote for my blog in the indibloggies competition. My friend Meera happened to be online too. I should have kept quiet. But out of sheer greed to get one more vote i started a conversation with her on Facebook chat.
Chrony : Hi Meera. Ssup?
(No reply for a long time. Was she throwing attitude? Should i send another message?What the heck? After all I get one more vote.)
Chrony : Hey Meera
Meera : Tell me. I am busy.
Chrony : Ok I'll make it quick then. Do vote for me in the indibloggies poll in the humor blogger category.
Meera : Yes. I will vote for you if you do me a favor
Chrony : and that is..???
Meera : Be my neighbour in farmville
That's how i joined farmville. out of the 161 votes, Meera's vote was because of farmville (Thanks to farmville). Every farmville expert would have seen this brown cow in their farm. It is not just an ordinary cow. It gives chocolate milk. What can one do with virtual chocolate milk? I am at least ok with the brown cow roaming around in the farm. But I could never digest the existence of the lonely pink cow which gives strawberry milk. We should be really vary of these cows. They have the audacity to give milk in different flavors but still end up getting lost in various farms. The moment i see them with their innocent faces, i feel like punching them. I would have done that, if i were using my friend's laptop instead of mine.Where on earth can you find a pink cow? I haven't seen one in my entire lifetime. I have seen a pink bull though. I saw the pink bull in a jallikattu ( The bullfight of Tamilnadu). I was just thinking whether it would give strawberry milk too. If you are a smart reader, you would have said," Hey Chriz! But one cannot milk a bull". To all those smart readers, i have one thing to say," Try milking the pink bull. You will see it smile"

A recent online conversation between Suresh and Chronicwriter. (Suresh is Chronicwriter’s classmate in college and he is recently married)

Chrony : Hi bro.. Howdie?
Suresh : Hi Chriz.. I am ok. How you?
Chrony: Just ok? You are just married for a week.
Suresh : Yeah Right
Chrony : Why do you sound so down? Any problem with your wife?
Suresh : Things were better when I was single, bro.
Chrony: Why? What happened?
Suresh : Its 11.30 P.M and she is playing Farmville.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Farmville is cited as a major reason for future divorces around the globe.A public message to Mrs. Suresh: I hope you would have understood your mistake by now. But I would rather prefer you to continue playing Farmville, because I am pretty sure that you would have a quality time tending your crops at Farmville than spending it with Suresh. Does he brush his teeth at least now?

My collegemate-Robert, who once had the habit of pelting dogs with stones especially during the dog-mating season ( I have no idea why he was jealous) is also in facebook and he plays farmville too. He is very gentle to his ducks, turtle and all the farm creatures. I can't believe it.

I would have earned the wrath of many of my friends through this post. But that doesn't stop me from saying this to all my facebook friends, "One more farmville request from anyone,I will surely massacre all your animals in the farm and eat them up.I would not stop there... I would chop off all the plants in your farm and burn your crops and would even cut your pink cow's tail.

Conclusion : Stop fooling around in farmville. Start helping the real farmers

-Chronicwriter

NB: If you want to become chronicwriter's Facebook friend, please click this [link]

Dec 4, 2009

379. How to market your blog?

One might have great language skills, great writing skills, great content, great thought process to run a blog page. But if the blog is not marketed properly, the world will not know about all these skills.Shakespeare did not become popular because of his English. England made him popular. Hence it is every blogger's birthright to market his/her blog. You might be a popular figure in your friends circle. But are you a popular figure in your college/workplace/town/state/country? You can become an international personality in no time, only if you know how to market your blog. You might say," Chriz! You are not an International personality. So Who gave you the right to write on this topic?". If you think that i am not yet an International personality, please check the following three pictures.. Click the pictures for enlarged (better) view.

1)Obama talks from his heart

He might be the President of America. But he remembers his inspiration in this picture

2) What does people around the world say about Chronicwriter?
Black or white, Yellow or Tanned, Brown or Pink. What ever be the race of the person, they all salute Chronicwriter here.

3) Secret behind Sehwag's dismissal

When Sehwag was dimissed in the 290s, his fans were disappointed; but he knew why he got out.

As I have proved my worth regarding my International fame and success, i am gonna carry on giving some tips for marketing your blog. There are two factors that are necessary to market your blog. 1) Primary Factors 2) Non-primary factors (otherwise called as secondary factors)
Primary factors to market your blog

1) You should have a blog. Click this [link] to read my article on blogging for beginners.
2) You should write something on your blog.
3) Visit other blogs and leave comments
4) Have a template that suits your stream of writing. If you write about world politics, a curved template like the one in this page will not suit you. If you are a joker, wear a joker costume; if you are a professional, wear a tie and a suit; if you are an informal guy, just be casual.
5) Perform steps 2 and 3 again
Non primary (Secondary) factors to market your blog
Now you are all dressed up to go to the party. Everyone will be in their best attire for the party. So you need to catch everyone's attention if you want everyone to notice you. So here are some tips to make your blog popular in the blogsville. The secondary factors is all about how well you Display your blog.
Public Display
  • Print your blog url in your t-shirt and walk around in crowded places. Walking around near IT parks yield better results. (8 % increase in blog readership)

Private Display

  • Stick your blog url in public toilets, dressing room mirrors in shops (28% increase in blog readership)

Mobile Display

  • Send your blog url as sms to random numbers if you have free sms service. ( % increase varies)

e-mail Display

  • Add your blog url to your signature and send a bulk mail to everyone on your e-mail list. ( 17 % increase in blog readership)

Twitter Display

  • Join twitter and keep on tweeting your blog url. (% increase depends on number of followers)

Cricket Display

  • Write your blog url on a placard and go to cricket matches. (2 % increase )

Chronicwriter Display

  • Interview chronicwriter and add the interview in your blog (Ain't i cruel?) ( 56 % increase)

Educational Display

  • Pay a visit to primary schools and visit every classroom. When the teacher is not looking at you, write your blog url on the black board. (13 % increase)

Library Display

  • Go to a library and open as many popular books as you can and write your blog url on the pages. (6 % increase in traffic)

Media Display

  • Call for a press meet and tell that Sachin Tendulkar is not a Marathi. ( Does not matter, even if people start hating you. Your blog traffic will increase multi folds)

Most of these tips might sound silly and wierd. But when you think crazy and act crazy, the world will notice you. Getting noticed is all that is needed to make your blog popular.

-Chronicwriter

Dec 3, 2009

378. sloshed in the beach

My friend, Varun added a few of our college photos in his facebook album. I was going through the photos and it pulled me back to my MBA days. I did my MBA in Rajagiri School Of Management. I had tears going through the snaps. I was not sad; but it was nostalgia at its very best. A few things that we guys loved doing during our college days were
  1. Bunking college and getting sloshed
  2. Painting the Cochin roads at midnight
  3. Getting caught by cops for drunken driving
  4. Movies with friends
  5. Bunking college and going to the beach
This post is about one unforgettable day that happened during my college days. It was unforgettable because all the above mentioned five things happened on a single day. We were seven friends. We called ourselves the "Sexy Seven". We bunked college that morning and we were soon sloshed too (Thanks to Alcoholanandha). The cars zoomed at 100 kmph and landed up in Cherai beach. The moment we landed up in the beach, this is what happened.

We all jumped into water. But every group has an exceptional error and in our group, it was Joseph Pius. He is the king of one liners and a philosophical genius. He did not run along with us because he always thinks that "one has to run his own race - alone". I have already written an article on Joseph Pius. Check it out here [link]

When he tried to be smart, the rest of us did not like it and we picked on poor Joseph and tried to nail him down by performing the Big-Bang theory on him. Check the photo below. Joseph is undeterred. He still poses for the snap. Varun is lying on top of Joseph and he is feeling the actual pain.Abraham Cheeran,Anterson Antony, Navin D'Cruz and Chriz (Chronicwriter) form the rest of the pile.

When we figured out that the Big-Bang theory was not successful, we adopted the "Nut-cracker" technique and it was a success. Check this picture to see us efficiently performing the "nut-cracker" technique.

Success means nothing for a bunch of stoned guys because defeating the opponent (Joseph Pius- in this case) motivates them to go for more. Hence our next mission was to throw Joseph inside the sea. Spraying sand on his eyes blinded him for a moment. In the picture below: Anterson is about to blind Joseph with sand. Varun watches along.

We then pounced on Joseph and dragged him in to the sea. Joseph lost 10 kilograms that day because of the quantum of molestation performed on him.

Now when I look back and remember those days, it gives me goose pimples. We were out of our mind on many occasions. Now I do ask myself , "Did I do that?" I might have got matured with time and I might not be the same guy, I used to be. Things change with time. People change too.

But memories remain for ever...

-Chronicwriter

Dec 2, 2009

377. The secret behind AIDS

Note : Wearing a condom is absolutely not necessary to read this post.
AIDS is not a disease,It is just an emotion - Sakhi Rawant
AIDS has been the biggest invention in the history of human existence. AIDS was invented on the first of December in this century. Hence 1st December is celebrated around the globe as world AIDS day. How ever in Africa, AIDS day is celebrated everyday. Many countries around the globe are soon catching up with Africa in the race to celebrate AIDS day on a everyday basis.

Superman was the inventor of AIDS. He invented it while he was trying to insert his left leg inside his red underwear. Hence the colour red is always associated with AIDS day. The colour red is also associated with valentines day. Hence in some cultures, Valentines Day (VD) is celebrated along with world AIDS day. AIDS is the acronym for Alcohol Induced Dude-Superman. Legend has its belief that Superman invented AIDS in an African language called "Banda" after he was sloshed with one bottle of beer. The Banda lingo equivalent for the term AIDS is Veneral Disease, which means " Love bite".
The story behind superman inventing AIDS has remained as a mystery for many decades. Chronicwriter embarked on a journey to reveal the mystery. So he decided to wear his trademark red underwear for the journey and as a result he found the mystery.Chronicwriter had a pet dog, "Bubbly" [Bubbly's picture]. Bubbly was a smart dog. Superman had a pet dog too, " Dummy" ( None of you know about it till now). He was a dummy dog indeed. One day Dummy, bit a strip of red cloth from superman's underwear and spat it out. The picture of the red cloth strip is added here. The red cloth strip is still used as a logo for World AIDS day. But why isn't Dummy being used as the mascot for AIDS day? This has remained as an unanswered question all these years. But Chronicwriter found the answer from Superman's diary which says - "Never pee with your eyes closed;especially when a dog is near you".
-Chronicwriter