Archive for October 2009

Written by Chriz in , ,


368. Sit-down comedy act

I started talking only when I turned three years old. My parents were very much worried because of that. But finally when I started talking, they realised that they have a bratty chatterbox at home. They started telling me to keep quiet. I never kept quiet anyways.As time went by, my non-stop talking instincts grew with my age. I have been asked to shut my mouth by many people I have met in my life. But I still kept on talking.

Now I have been given an opportunity to talk non-stop for an hour. Yes! Yours truly will be entertaining a live audience in a stand-up comedy act. I'll be performing this act sitting-down on a stool. So I'd rather call myself a Sit-down comedian. The topic I have chosen to talk is "SEX".

(Click the picture to view the Invitation)

I have five free tickets to give to the first five blog-mates who e-mail me for the tickets. I am taking my guitar & Harmonica (mouth organ) along with me. I might be singing a couple of songs too. My Red underwear is accompanying me too. I hope that i would not come back with a collection of brickbats, tomatoes and rotten eggs.

-Chronicwriter

Written by Chriz in


367.Bicycle memories

I was recently going through the photo gallery of Tiziano Taddei (a famous photographer) and I stalled on this particular photo. This bicycle picture spoke a million words and it pulled me back down memory lane and all those childhood memories flashed across my mind.
  • The first cycle in my life was actually a tricycle. It is still very much alive
  • The second cycle was a big bicycle. It was my grandfather's bicycle. Now it looks like the bicycle in the picture.
  • The first bicycle that i ever rode was a ladies BSA-SLR. It was my sister's cycle. I was ten years old then. The first monkey-pedal is very fresh in my memory. I learnt to ride a bicycle in two days.I used to ride that cycle past Renu's (My first girlfriend) house.
  • When I was thirteen, I got my first double shock-absorber bicycle. I used it till class twelve
The last time I cycled was in the year 1999. Now it has been ten years. Time sure runs fast. I would like to talk about few techniques on mounting on top of a bicycle.
Mounting Technique

Mounting on top of a bicycle and parking your rear-end on the seat becomes a tough job if you are short like Chronicwriter. Chronicwriter stands a total of 165 cms. (Actually he is just 164.7 cms. But he has rounded it to 165cms). Mounting is very essential to ride a bicycle. There are two basic ways of mounting on top of a bicycle.
a) The Karate Kick technique


This is the easiest technique to get on top of a bicycle. The cyclist should use his hands to hold the handle-bar and he should stand on the left side of the cycle.The left leg should be placed on the pedal and using the right leg, the cyclist should generate velocity and when the cycle moves forward, the cyclist should perform the "Karate-Kick" move which would enable him to clear the bar and position his right feet on the right pedal of the cycle.
Care should be taken during the Karate-Kick move. If not properly performed, serious damage could happen on the groin-zone of the cyclist. The author of this blog has been a victim on a couple of occasions. Are you a victim too?

b) Male Dog-Peeing Technique


This is the professional way of climbing on top of a cycle to ride it. Instead of the "Karate Kick" move,the cyclist should lift his leg like a peeing-male-dog. J.K.Starley, the inventor of modern day bicycle was the first to use this way of mounting a bicycle. He got this idea from his pet dog.
Now I have a question for the readers...
Why do male dogs lift their legs while peeing?

-Chronicwriter

Written by Chriz in , ,


366. Tips for love making

Note: If you have come here with the intention of reading some kinky stuff, i am really sorry. This post is not going to feed your Horny - Corny - Hormonal Thirst. This is a post that will be written by my alter-ego. I have no clue what he is gonna come up with.

mr.X is my alter-ego. I did not give him an opportunity to participate in my blog for a very long time. Today he nagged me big time and asked me to allow him to post an article on my page. At first , i was reluctant. But when he said that he will write a post on Love, i knew that he would do a good job because he is a road side romeo.
He has molested three girls in his life and he is an expert in the art of flirting. So I do not find anyone better than him to write an article on Love. In this post mr.X will give great ideas in the art of proposing a girl. Guys can take a leaf out of this post and can use it for their own good. Girls can read this post and feel like a princess.

mr.X has been a love guru and he has helped many of my friends to get hitched. Eager and desperate guys always have a lot of questions in their minds when they approach a girl. My alter-ego has read all such eager minds and is all set to give a crap-lecture. Check his love Gyaan.

What is meant by a love proposal?
What is your IQ level? But still as you have asked this question, let me help you. A love proposal is an act in which a living creature asks permission from another living creature for a possibility of leading a life together. Both the living creatures can be of the same gender. But in general, both the living creatures are of different genders.
The creature which performs the act of proposing is called the proposer and the other creature automatically becomes the proposee. The proposer normally belongs to the Male gender and the proposee usually belongs to the female gender. But over the years we have seen many exceptional errors too.

Can I propose myself?

You are suffering from malignant Narcissism. You can propose yourself. But make it sure to accept or reject your own proposal. This question reminds me of a friend of mine- "Robert". When he is sloshed, he would often get excited seeing his own thigh and does crazy things which even involves attempts of kissing his own thigh. Hope you are not a creature like that.

How should I propose a girl?


There are many ways to propose a girl. You can propose her face-to-face. You can even text message her. You can call her up over the phone and propose her. You can write a poetry to her. You can also send a hand written love letter for her. There are many ways to propose a girl.

  • Always remember to use the three magic words "I Love you".
  • You can also use the five magic words "Can I make you mine?"
But do not mix these two sentences when you propose her. You might end up saying, "Can I make love to you?". You might think that you are highly creative. But sentences like this would land you up in trouble. But a recent survey shows that even the "Can I make love to you?" phrase has yielded positive results.
Can I give her some flowers?

Flowers and love always go hand-in-hand. A red rose has always had a great effect in the proposing process. I do not know why it has such an effect. I have tasted the petals of a red rose. It tasted good. That might be the reason. Let me not deviate away from the subject. Coming back to flowers, do not present her with cauliflower or shoe flower.
Always stick on to roses or ask suggestions from any personnel from a flower boutique. You might get great ideas from such a person. A bunch of roses also is said to give a romantic effect while proposing. But do not take the rose plant, planted in the pot. Also clip the thorns from the stem.
While proposing her,can I touch her nose ?

Yes you can. if her nose is so inviting, you can touch her nose. But she might not like it and she might even physically harm you. If you are ready to face the repercussions, then go ahead and touch her nose. But do not poke your fingers inside her nose. That is gross and if she has rhinorrhea you are in great trouble.
What should I do to make her say Yes?

If I had known the answer for this question, my alter-ego "Chrony" would have married Renu and he would have had at least three kids by now. But let me make an attempt to answer this question in a brilliant manner. Do not ever do any thing that would make her to say No. Proposing a girl is almost equivalent to committing suicide.Some people succeed in the first attempt. Some people succeed the second time. Whether you succeed or not, death is a surety.

Should I write her name in the walls of the toilet in my college?

You can do that if you have a good handwriting. Remember to include your name along with her name. But if someone else adds an indecent line along with it at a later point of time, you should be able to accept that too. If you can't digest that, do not write her name in the toilet walls.
Another Guy is constantly texting her.What should I do?
You should eliminate all your competitors before you make your move. So you should eliminate the guy and keep him out of contention before you propose her. I would suggest an idea which you could use to eliminate him from the competition. It involves a few simple steps
  • Find that guy's mobile number.
  • Write that phone number on all toilet walls ( Public toilets, college toilets, cinema halls and train toilets)
  • Next to the phone number add a girl-name (Ananya, Ashika, Lavina, Meena, Tina, Minu)
  • Any girl name would do. Guys would keep him busy with their non-stop calls. Even if he changes his phone number, find his new number immediately and continue the process. Keep him busy always.

Her father is a Police officer. Please Help

Please forget her. You have never contacted me. I have not talked with you. The culprit is Chronicwriter (Not me, cos i am his alter-ego).

What if the girl slaps me?

Slap her back. But if she is with her friends, they might over power you. If she is in a crowded place, people might support her (cos she is a girl). Slap her only if she is alone. But if she is powerful than you and if you do not have the courage to slap her, look around and see if anyone has noticed your hour of disgrace. Then run away from her.

What is a pick-up-line?

A pick-up-line is an American jack fruit that you can easily pick up. Pick-up-line has another meaning too. It is defined as "A phrase that is used by a creature to woo another creature". Some cheesy pick-up-lines are

  • If i were you, i would have kissed me now.
  • You look a lot like my next girlfriend
  • You see my friend over there? He wants to know if you think i am cute.

There are a few pick up lines that would not work at all

  • Are you for free or would you cost me a lot?
  • Can i buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
  • I am gay. Straighten me out.

But I might be wrong because for some lucky souls the last these pick up lines have worked too

I am a girl and i love this girl. What should I do?

Hey missy. Glad to know that you are interested in girls. Me too! I might not be of great help to you. Hence I would like to refer you to Ellen Degeneres. She might be able to help you on this.

I am 20 years old and I love Aishwarya Rai. How should I let her know?

You are not living in the 90's brother. This is almost 2010. You have arrived very late. But if you still insist on letting her know, do talk to Abhishek Bachan on this. You can even leave a comment on his dad's blog. You can even talk to Aishwarya when Abhishek is not around. (I do it all the time). But let me tell you. I have watched two of her interviews.

  • The one she had with David Letterman (She was HOT and brainy)
  • The one she recently had with Oprah ( She proved that as you get older you are no more interesting)

What is the best place to propose a girl?

Historical evidences prove that the beach is the best place to propose a girl. Take her out in a car, park the car near the beach and as the sun sets, pop the question. If she accepts your proposal, you can take her for a walk along the sea shore. If she doesn't accept your proposal, ask her to get out of your car and drive back with hopes of finding another girl.

What dress should i wear when i propose a girl?

Any dress that you are comfortable with. Do not wear something too bright. But wear something. Wearing a feather-cap brings good results. A red underwear is sure to make many girls running behind you.

NB: I am wearing a red underwear now.

Can i propose a girl when i meet her for the first time?

If she is cute, you can. If she is not cute, don't hurry. Keep her as one of the options. Try all other options and when no other options work out, you can propose the not-so-cute one.


Should i kiss her before proposing her or after proposing her?

Kissing her before proposing her is always the best option. When you propose a girl, she might say a "Yes" or a "No". If she says a "No", you might feel bad for not kissing her and she wouldn't allow you to kiss her also. So you do not have anything to lose by kissing her before popping the question. If she loves you, she would blush. If not she might slap you. If she slaps you, you already know what you are supposed to do.
What if she proposes me, before I could propose her?

Bingo. You are a lucky guy. Accept her proposal, but still hunt for other options. The grass is always greener on the other side. If you fail to find good pastures for grazing, you can settle down with the girl that proposed you.
Can i propose her through text messaging?

You can. But in such a case, buy a free sms phone card. This would help you to send the same text message to many girls. They say "More the merrier".

If she accepts my proposal,what movie should I take her to?


That depends on your intentions, If you are a movie buff, take her to a good movie. It is a great feeling to watch a movie holding her hands; when she rests her head on your shoulders it would feel like heaven. But if you are a horny boy, do not take her to a movie. There are other places that you can take her. Even school kids take their girlfriends to movie halls for biological explorations. I am sure that you are not immature like a school kid.

Suggest a cheap and best gift that i can give her!

Girls can easily find out whether a gift is costly or not just by looking at the gift. It is very tough to cheat them in the "Gifts" zone. A kiss is the cheapest gift that you can give her. But when presented properly, it becomes the most expensive gift too.

She is Hot, Sexy, Size-Zero, has strawberry lips and is a Jessica Alba look-alike. What should i do?


Give her phone number to me. Forget about her. She is mine.



-mr.X

Written by Chriz in , , ,


365. Blogging for Beginners

Some people live in this world without knowing the reason for their own existence. Almost all of us live in this world like that. A few try to attain self actualisation and understand the meaning behind their existence. Once they understand it, they realise that there is no fun living this life. So it is better to live a life without understanding the whole reason behind our existence. Am I making any sense here? I know that i am not. But who cares? As though, the other posts in my blog make a lot of sense!!!

Ok! Let me get to the point.

  • There are a lot of people who exist in this world without realising what life is.
  • There are a lot of people who talk a lot without even realising what they talk. Some become famous too, because of their non-sense talk (Sakhi Rawant, Darkha Butt, Aproh Winfray are few examples). I purposefully used pseudo names because i came to know that these three women are the most powerful women in the world and they sue anyone who talks against them.
  • There are a lot of people who think that they can act and in fact make it big on the big screen too (Vijay,Vijayakanth, TR Rajendher,Aishwarya Rai)
  • There are few cricketers who make it big in the international scene out of sheer luck (Sreesanth, Deepdhas Gupta and many more)
  • There are many who do not know anything about blogging, but still end up blogging and call themselves as mainstream-bloggers. (Chronicwriter is one nutcase like that)

This blog post if for those who have no idea about blogging. If you are a first time visitor to this page and if you have come here thinking that your brain will be enriched with great insights, i feel sorry for you; but If you are going to take this whole thing as a joke, then you are in safe waters. These are some questions that i selected from a few friends who were eager to start a blog. These are my answers. I assure you that this post will be useful for those who do not know anything about blogging.

What is a Blog


Any thought process, which when written in some surface becomes a blog. This activity is called as blogging. The person who performs blogging is called a blogger. Everyone in this world are bloggers.

We all start blogging at a very early stage, minutes after arriving on this earth by depicting our output in crap format in our nappy. As time goes by, we end up scribbling on the walls and later on paper and notebooks and finally when we grow up we start typing our thought output in online journals and all these are called as blogs. Anyways only "online journals" are commonly referred to as Blogs.The world in which the bloggers live in is called as blogosphere/blogsville. This looks like a hep term. But it is not

Why should I blog?

You might have lot of ideas running in your head, but no one would be interested to lend an ear to your ideas. So the best way of pouring all your ideas and making it known to the entire world is to type them all in a blog.

What is the qualification requirement to become a blogger?

A blogger can be anyone who knows how to type. It can be the CEO of Google. It can also be a kindergarten kid. You need not worry about your linguistic skills too. As long as you can type something and click the "Publish Post" button, you needn't worry about the requirement criteria.

Will Dan Brown feel insecure if i start a Blog?

Why do you care? He is not going to feed you. So why do you even bother? Normally professional writers look down on bloggers because bloggers are prone to an informal style of writing, punctuation mistakes, spelling errors and grammatical flaws. But as long as you can attract a broad audience and entertain them with your writing skills, you need not worry about Dan Brown and co...

What should I Blog on?

Blog on a subject that you are very good at. If you are a humorous guy, start a humor blog. If you are good in photography, start a photo-blog. If you are good in poetry, start a poetry-blog. Even if you are not good at anything, just start a blog and type your thoughts. It might even click. 95 % of the blogs around the globe belong to the last category.

What should I do to become a successful blogger?

The most important aspect of becoming a successful blogger is to make your presence felt. You can make your presence felt with your style of writing. If you do not have a good style of writing, you can use the content to make an impression. You need not type long posts to become popular. Even one-line posts can become popular with the audience.

Do post often. This is the second most important aspect to become a successful blogger. A user friendly template and an easy navigation page would also enable the reader to spend more time on your blog.

What should I avoid in blogging?


Be yourself. Never try to over-do things. Even if you do not have a good vocabulary, do not fret. Use your limited language skills and make maximum use of it. Remember that a blog is a conversation. Try to write the way you speak. Avoid jargon and GRE English and don't overuse the thesaurus. Do what you can do. Never attempt something that you are not comfortable with.

Can I use my Blog as my personal diary?

You can use it and write all your personal information on your blog. You can also rant on your page and write about your ex-girl/ex-guy and bitch about them. But make it sure that you moderate the comment section of your blog so as to avoid crazy creatures like chronicwriter commenting on them. If you do not want the world to see, privatize your blog. You won't have any readers then. But i tell you, there is no joy like reading a personal blog.


Can I make friends through blogging?

Yes. You can make friends through blogging. Visit some blogs and start commenting on those blogs. Invariably they would visit your page too. Only psychic idiots do not pay regular visits. The author of this blog is a classic example of being a nerd for not visiting those who visit his pages.

Can I meet my blog-mates in person?

Yes. You can meet your blog mates too. You can organise blogger meets and meet them and talk about intricacies of blogging.

Can I have a sexy time with my blog mates?

There are other social networking sites through which you can do that. But please avoid using blogs for such a purpose. But researches reveal that 13 % of Indian bloggers do have a sexy time when they meet.

How much money should I invest to start a blog?

You need not have a single penny to start a blog. I remember that I was just wearing my red underwear when I started my blog.

When do I know that i am ready to start a blog?

Before you start a blog, spend some time visiting other blogs that are like the one you're thinking of starting. Pay attention to things like the length of posts, frequency, writing style, and subject material. You would get great ideas from these blog. The author of this blog spent 4 years of reading other blogs before he took the plunge and started to blog in 2007. You need not wait for 4 years to start writing; but if you are lazy like me, you can wait.

What is the basic mantra of blogging?

The basic mantra of blogging is to keep your brain active and bubbling with thoughts. Always keep thinking of interesting stuffs. Keep talking to people and improve your conversational skills. This helps a lot. If you are brain dead, you are not going to go a long way in blogging.

As you go about your day, keep the blog in the back of your mind. You may even want to carry a notebook where you can jot down reminders for topics you want to blog about later. Write almost every activity in that notebook - brushing your teeth in front of the mirror, sitting in the loo,walking in the road. These simple activities might end up as great blog posts. If you find yourself dreading to write a blog post, a blog is not for you.

What should I comment on other's blogs?

When you visit a blog, you often find a comment link under the text of each blog posting. Clicking that link enables you to read comments from other people and submit your own. In order to comment on others' blogs, you should first read their blogs. If you do not have the patience to read the whole post, you can read the heading, first line of post, last line of post and then comment.

If you are even more lazier, just type "Nice", "Good post", "Inspirational" ,"I am touched". 80% of the bloggers fall under this category. Most bloggers use the comment section to improve their writing skills. So if you comment "nice","good post" for their worst posts, they might never improve. If they have other sensible bloggers commenting on their posts, it is good for them; or else let alone God save them.

My only experience in writing is scribbling on the toilet walls in my school and drawing obscene caricatures in train toilets. Can I become a successful blogger?

Yes. You can become the most successful blogger in the blogosphere, if you adopt the same skill in blogging too. Start writing controversial posts and start attacking VIPs. But never reveal yourself to the public. Remember to leave your blog URL in famous blogs. You would automatically receive lot of hits on your page.

My friend Robert was like you. He was very good in writing poetry in toilet walls. I suggested him to start a blog too. He became one of the greatest ever bloggers in India. This is his blog [link]. It is not crime till you are caught.

Be creative!!!

-Chronicwriter.

Written by Chriz in ,


364. Dreaming about the future

The former President of India -Dr.Abdul Kalaam had a vision. He made a bold statement that in the year 2020, India would be a force to reckon with.In other words, he had a dream that India would be a superpower by 2020. We all have dreams. Some dreams come true. Some dreams just stay in the gray areas.

I had a dream too. My dream was pretty scary. It wasn't a dirty dream. It was also not a dream about world peace. It was neither a dream about me receiving the fame to shame "Nobel prize" ( If a public orator could win a Nobel prize, why should not a blogger get one too? Has Nobel prize become so cheap these days? I am not gonna debate on that and spark another controversy. There are enough brain-heads to discuss on the issue).
Coming back to my dream- The dream was so disturbing; and i haven't slept peacefully after I had that dream. The dream had nothing to do with Serena William's daring-childish behavior which included a racquet damaging act which was later followed by a foot in the mouth disease grunt which cost her the recently concluded US open crown. The dream was not about her baring-naked act too.[link] ( Please do not buy the magazine mentioned in the link.)
I haven't revealed the dream yet. Let me reveal it now. The dream was extremely disturbing indeed and it was neither one of those wet dreams.
"The concept of wet dreams came into existence because of Chronicwriter. He had the habit of wetting his bed when he was a kid"
"The Kazakhstan Times" -29 February 20o9
I have beaten around the bush and as i am running out of steam and ideas; so let me directly, straight forwardly,rapidly, instantly and quickly reveal my dream now. The smigel character of LOTR fame appeared in my dream thrice on Friday night. It was sitting in the exact posture as seen in the picture.The character was singing in a female tone and I also heard a voice saying " This is how you would look in the year 2020". I immediately woke up from the dream. The picture is still in my brain box and I could not remove or trash it from my memory. It is still haunting me and I hope I do not have a wet dream tonight because of the Smigel dream.Today, i was looking at this picture and I realised that this character indeed looks like me. But when i took a closer look, i also realised that it also resembles Britney Spears. Now i am happy that i have a look-alike in 2020.
A question to readers: Are you alright even after seeing Serena Williams in that link ?
Today, India tested its land-to-land missile (Prithvi -II) which has a max range of 220 miles. Should I laud the effort? I understand that we are competing with the rest of the world by testing nuclear missiles. This whole nuclear test drama is very similar to a group of drunkards burping to glory. The drunkards would keep on burping and would act as if they would throw up. But no one would do that, unless and until they are completely sloshed and out of control. Which country in this world is gonna throw-up first? Why can't we live in peace?
Moral: Stop drinking and stop burping.
-Chronicwriter