Oct 5, 2009

363. Letting it go

Disclaimer: Every body does it. But when someone writes about it, it becomes a controversy

Murderers would admit their crime. Pedophiles would agree that they are pedophiles. Trans genders are proud of their gender. Gay community are eager to renounce to the world that they are not straight. Kate Winslet is ever-so-ready to walk nude in front of the camera. Not everyone around the globe would have done the above mentioned things. But there is one thing that each and every one of us would have done in our life on earth; still no one owns responsibility of the act. Yes I am talking about the Farting.

Over the years, I have never seen a single person admitting that they farted. It all begins in our school life. As a little kid, we would try to suppress the sound of the fart and in the process end up shitting in our pants (or should I say shorts!). Such failures in school life train us in the art of Farting and very soon we become expert farters.

There are basically two types of Fart .
  1. The audible Bomb.
  2. The Silent assassin
The audible bomb comes under the "Barking dog seldom Bite category". It is not usually accompanied by a pungent smell. But still the audible bombers are always looked upon as culprits. Hence every person in this world would love to be a silent assassin in the public place rather than being someone blowing his own trumpet.
Silent assassins, on the other hand are those who are experts in handling the spinster muscle in their body. They know the art of suppressing and oppressing compressed air and letting it go in the Infra and ultra region of the 20-20000 Hertz frequency level. This technique is always accompanied with a violent bad smell. The bad smell varies from person to person. I remember a girl in my college. When she adorns the role of a silent assassin, the place would turn into a zone which is filled with rotten eggs and dog poop. The silent assassin technique gives a warmer feeling to the farter when compared to the audible bomb technique.
The silent assassin is also a very deceptive technique. It confuses everyone in the room and everyone in the room will start doubting each other. On most occasions, the assassin would be the first to say ,"Man ! That was a bad smell!". The author of the blog had been an assassin too. I am pretty sure that everyone who is reading this now, had been an assassin too. I can picturise the guilty smile on your face now :)
In my college days, I stayed in Hostel. The menu on friday afternoons included beef, garlic spinach, Dal and Curd. The post lunch session in the classrooms always ensured that the classrooms would be an aroma filled session. Lecturers were scared to enter our classrooms on friday afternoons. For a change the lecturers of our college started bunking classes.
It is always a great feeling to see the facial expressions of people when they are victims of a silent assassin bomb. The farter usually enjoys the whole proceedings unless he/she gets caught in the act.
Have you been in a crowded lift when someone performs a silent assassin act? I have been in a lift like that on many occasions. It is better to close your eyes on such occasions. Sometimes people might even assume that you were the culprit and they would start staring at you.
I had a friend in college. His name was Robert. Oh Yes! Its the same guy mentioned here [link]. When all our friends sat together and cracked jokes together, he had the habit of leaving the group, moving to a far-off place and come back and join the group after a gap of one minute. We have often asked him the reason behind it. He never answered us. Our determined friend, Stephen soon found the answer when he followed Robert when he left the group for his usual one minute hiatus. Stephen came back running , clipping his nose with his fingers.
I am not doing justice to this post. I am talking too much about the silent assassin type of farting in this post. Coming back to the audible bomb type of farters, the first and last person who comes to mind is my Uncle Edward Raja. He is an electrical engineer. He came to our house for celebrating Christmas. My Dad asked me and my cousin Jenin to help Uncle Edward in decorating the Christmas Tree. Now I want the readers to picturise the following scene
  • So Uncle Edward was standing on a chair. He was wearing a Lungi (An Indian casual wear). He was decorating the Christmas tree and hence he was facing the Christmas tree
  • Jenin was holding the chair and was standing behind Uncle Edward. Jenin's face was in close proximity to Uncle Edward's rear end
  • I was in the same room watching TV.
  • My Mom and Edward Uncle's wife were sitting on the couch and singing songs.
  • My friends (Sheila, Ruben, Jacintha) were watching TV along with me
All the above mentioned people were in the same room. Suddenly there was a monstrous sound and immediately we knew what it was. All of us ran away from the room. Poor Jenin was still holding on to the chair. Uncle Edward is still the centre of attraction in our family get togethers. [A note to Uncle Edward: I never had any idea to write about you. I wrote this just because you dared me to write about you in my blog.]
Farting is a dangerous act when you have a two year old sitting next to you. Never under estimate two year old kids. One lady was sitting in the church and suddenly her two year year old daughter started laughing aloud and proclaimed to the whole church," My Mummy farted". There are close to 500 people in my church.
Apart from the basic two types of farts, there are various other varieties of farts. The names says it all
  • The Bulls eye
  • The whistle
  • Dry cough
  • Wet slush
  • Milky breeze
  • The short and cute ones
  • The mega serial types
  • Typhoon
  • Anaesthesia
  • Chocolate smoothie
  • The nut cracker
Facts about Farts:
  • An average person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts.
  • It takes 13 seconds for the odour to travel to the farter's nostrils, because fart doesnt travel as fast as the speed of sound.
  • People fart even after their death
  • Everyone farts! The King, Queen, Mothers, Fathers, Children, Grand mothers, Uncles, Sisters, Brothers, neighbours, post-man, Britney spears, Chronicwriter, President Obama, Lallu Prasad Yadav
  • Everyone farts while they sleep.( You might be a specialist in the silent assassin technique while you are awake. But you never know what type you are when you sleep)
  • Dogs and cats are turned on at the smell of human farts ( Beware of farting when your pet is near you)
Though farters are always looked down upon as guilty murderers, it is their very existance that makes the world a challenging place to live in. Do not hold it up very longer. Just let it go.
-Chronicwriter

52 comments:

  1. Hilarious...

    U were on the spot, boss..Most of them never admit this fact..

    But yeah, i know one or two persons who take pride on this...

    One of my aunt, with constant farting problems, admits her problem and claim that, her farts are pollution free...!!

    One of my cousin, who is proud to be labelled as a 'farter' signals everyone nearby before releasing the bomb...!!

    :)

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  2. U had me stuck (laughing) @ the Jenin & uncle picturisation!! ROFL!!

    I read this guy -> fartingpen 's WP blog only a while ago..
    Another farting post!! Someday today is!

    btw, NEED I SAY ??? awesome & fartabulous as always! :P

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  3. Yeah, farts indeed!
    I am a girl so I'd rather not go into this, but ROFL...
    I have friends who hold contests (usually after eating at wedding ceremonies) as to who can fart the longest, the dirtiest, the loudest! Beat that! :D
    Just a note: I don't participate in the contest!!

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  4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMcC1BNlTq4&feature=PlayList&p=E1A973BC5D6A90C6&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=3



    what kind of fart is it in the video?? Audible Typhoon bomb is it??!!

    Was fun readin ur post like always.

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  5. Wow..that was awesome.. Something I would die to speak in public about.. Let it go.. LOl... mudiyala.. Rofl. :)

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  6. Hhahahahahaahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!
    !!!!!

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  7. OMG! Friggin hilarious bro... :)

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  8. that was hilarious to the tee...was laughing thru-out...i remembered a line while reading this post - why to fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it..

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  9. hahahha..cool...once my friend went to a gal to ask 4 a lighter ..he came back laughing saying "shit man, tat gal farted"..

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  10. too funny man...ROFL....jenin thing was too much to visualize...:D..:D

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  11. Man that was absolutely hillarious... :) what a topic to write on...
    the silent types are the dangerous ones... Specially the confusion it creates n often an innocent person has to bear the stares.. :)
    totally funny.

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  12. man, u gave a link of a link of a link.. read all those.. poor robert!

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  13. whoa!! so much researh into this topic! or shud i say experience? ;-) :P lol...

    he silent assassin is also a very deceptive technique. It confuses everyone in the room and everyone in the room will start doubting each other. On most occasions, the assassin would be the first to say ,"Man ! That was a bad smell!". hahahah!! :D

    i liked this line the best:
    Lecturers were scared to enter our classrooms on friday afternoons. For a change the lecturers of our college started bunking classes.
    ROFL!!!

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  14. The moral of the story is someone should start conserving the farting gas and use at the conventional feul.. imagine if our cooking gases were fiilled with farts.. umm i shud stop!

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  15. a lot of research went out for this controversial post...

    good one...full of facts too...

    rinzu

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  16. Excellent !!!So this is the topic for your Ph.D? Joker!!!YOu are an expert in farting...since you have given many names to the different types of farting..shall we name your contribution as Chriz's theory of farting??!!
    something like Maslow,Taylors..?

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  17. omg! you are CRAZYYYY.... i mean CRAZZZYYYY :D

    i couldn't stop laughing while reading this.... you come up with the wackiest ideas to write about! Hats off to you :D

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  18. shabba Chriz. Yenna solradhu ne theryala. The names for the different types of farts is simply signature Chriz and other worldly. As I always say, continue to make us laugh. :p

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  19. and letting it go? curve from metaphorical to the literal eh? lolz

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  20. omg....cant believe someone can actually write a post on this!! :P LMAO!

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  21. hahahahahah :D :D
    This link was passes to me by a friend and wow :D and Im like too good :D :D
    You wont believe but after reading this I too farted :D :D
    hahahahahahaahahahahahhahahah :D

    And im still laughing as to how farts understand each other and the time when it should errupt :D

    but this was not smelly :P
    ok :P :D

    Too good !!!!!!!
    Ill be back here for sure :)
    To read more about you :)

    Best wishes !!
    Pankhuri

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  22. beans,beans,gud 4 heart
    the more u eat
    the more u fart
    the more u fart,the better you feel
    so have beans in every meal :P:P

    hilarious...+ smelly one..
    \m/

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  23. its was the advance version of my post..
    "Fart must go on ":P

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  24. Classy is the word. The article was loaded with facts of geography, fluid mechanics, chemical thermodynamics and liquid-gas dynamics. It also shed some light on world politics and International relations. You must be the official speech writer for the Queen.

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  25. ena kodumai ithu :)!! he he kusu araichi nu solvangala itha? had a friend in our group as well...his name was KUMAR...KUSU KUMAR..bcos we dread his durrr sound all the time!! nala pozhapu ithu...ho ho rotfl when yu said kings and queens!

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  26. Farting is one of the first things we master, even before we talk or walk :P

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  27. heheheheheh! what an entertaining post!! lol!

    keep writing!

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  28. Ok! That was disgusting.. but STILL hilarious :D

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  29. There is this... "chinese cracker fart" too...XD XD XD
    Watch south park buddy!!!
    They g0t hell lot of Fart jokes...:)):)

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  30. Almost farted for farty five times while reading this post !

    Sanghi is right south park is fun.

    Robert's instance is unforgettable thanks for the post man !

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  31. i never imagined someone could rite a post on this....man ur crazy as hell but ur awesome :)...it was a wonderful laugh :)..

    urs..hemu..

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  32. omg, never expected myself reading this n rotfl...
    hilarious post n more-so the hilarious names odf dofferent kinda

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  33. Hilarious! Had a great time laughing! Was taking a break from work. It was reeeeeally worth it!
    Have tonnes to read on ur blog now, am back from my break. :D

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  34. the other day i was trying to comment but some problem in blogger :(

    Btw, this is hilarious and ipdi la yosikadhan oru post kum innoru post kum ivlo gap huh? ROFTL!!!! :D :D :D

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  35. mudiyala sir.. died laughing.. liked all ur fart names esp silent assassin and mega serial types..
    btw..did u see reader now only??
    en sir eppa parthalum kate winslet or paris hilton or britneya kalaichindae irukeenga.. paavam sir avanga..
    ur uncle is seriously king edward the great..

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  36. Haha! V funny indeed! God only knows how u get such ideas :P

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  37. Typo was funny too...

    "Silent assassins, on the other hand are those who are experts in handling the 'unmarried female' muscle in their body.
    ---------------------------
    I agree on everything you said about silent

    Ass-a-Sin

    ;)
    -----------------------------
    Just curious. Normal people are sometimes known to 'renounce the world' with/without 'announcing to the world' any such plan.

    But how do gay people 'renounce to the world'?
    -------------------
    OK Bye. Enough nitpicking oredi!

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  38. hahaha.....

    now that 1 was absolute entertainment.....

    Hilarious....

    :):)

    :D:D

    Rock on dude...

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  39. Good job Chriz! Laughed out real loud several times!! Still grinning!

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  40. Kya research kiya hai. Had a good time reading it.

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  41. really LMAO stuff! :P

    Besides, I think its called the 'Sphincter' muscle rather than spinster.
    :)

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  42. thanks everyone for the support..

    i noticed the error in "Sphincter" muscle only now.. but as stupidosaur mentioned, spinster sounds more appropriate :P

    thanks much.. thinking of what to write next :)

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  43. my god i was dying laughing, what fartful post yaar, really and beware of kids too, cause they can fart pretty good to, you know my 6 month old cousin can give your real competition chriz, he is the bomber guy though, so it may be a lil one sided, loved it as usual

    still gotta cu at my blog, hope to cya there soon :)

    take care and keep writing............

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  44. Hi You inspired to write a small story..
    great blog yaar
    http://credulousheart.blogspot.com/2009/10/hajmola.html

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  45. you are in full form :) sirichu sirichu vayae vallikudhu... each and every line made me laugh chriz..

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  46. you are in full form :) sirichu sirichu vayae vallikudhu... each and every line made me laugh chriz..

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  47. Lol Chriz!! Absolutely hilarious and to the point :)

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  48. Hi! Chriz,
    When i started reading ..i had doubts on the topic,but uve handled it in ur usual hilarious style dude,
    for a change they started bunking classes,that was a good hit :)

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  49. hahaha great post! you got the topic out in style.

    I liked it so much that i've put up this link for all my friends. They should be reading your stuff man! Also recommended blogging-for-beginners.

    Check it out: http://lukewarmbeer.blogspot.com/2009/10/farting-away-to-glory.html

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  52. Good stuff Prason. You had me laughing loud and long!

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