Disclaimer: Every body does it. But when someone writes about it, it becomes a controversy

Murderers would admit their crime. Pedophiles would agree that they are pedophiles. Trans genders are proud of their gender. Gay community are eager to renounce to the world that they are not straight. Kate Winslet is ever-so-ready to walk nude in front of the camera. Not everyone around the globe would have done the above mentioned things. But there is one thing that each and every one of us would have done in our life on earth; still no one owns responsibility of the act. Yes I am talking about the Farting.

Over the years, I have never seen a single person admitting that they farted. It all begins in our school life. As a little kid, we would try to suppress the sound of the fart and in the process end up shitting in our pants (or should I say shorts!). Such failures in school life train us in the art of Farting and very soon we become expert farters.

There are basically two types of Fart .
  1. The audible Bomb.
  2. The Silent assassin
The audible bomb comes under the "Barking dog seldom Bite category". It is not usually accompanied by a pungent smell. But still the audible bombers are always looked upon as culprits. Hence every person in this world would love to be a silent assassin in the public place rather than being someone blowing his own trumpet.
Silent assassins, on the other hand are those who are experts in handling the spinster muscle in their body. They know the art of suppressing and oppressing compressed air and letting it go in the Infra and ultra region of the 20-20000 Hertz frequency level. This technique is always accompanied with a violent bad smell. The bad smell varies from person to person. I remember a girl in my college. When she adorns the role of a silent assassin, the place would turn into a zone which is filled with rotten eggs and dog poop. The silent assassin technique gives a warmer feeling to the farter when compared to the audible bomb technique.
The silent assassin is also a very deceptive technique. It confuses everyone in the room and everyone in the room will start doubting each other. On most occasions, the assassin would be the first to say ,"Man ! That was a bad smell!". The author of the blog had been an assassin too. I am pretty sure that everyone who is reading this now, had been an assassin too. I can picturise the guilty smile on your face now :)
In my college days, I stayed in Hostel. The menu on friday afternoons included beef, garlic spinach, Dal and Curd. The post lunch session in the classrooms always ensured that the classrooms would be an aroma filled session. Lecturers were scared to enter our classrooms on friday afternoons. For a change the lecturers of our college started bunking classes.
It is always a great feeling to see the facial expressions of people when they are victims of a silent assassin bomb. The farter usually enjoys the whole proceedings unless he/she gets caught in the act.
Have you been in a crowded lift when someone performs a silent assassin act? I have been in a lift like that on many occasions. It is better to close your eyes on such occasions. Sometimes people might even assume that you were the culprit and they would start staring at you.
I had a friend in college. His name was Robert. Oh Yes! Its the same guy mentioned here [link]. When all our friends sat together and cracked jokes together, he had the habit of leaving the group, moving to a far-off place and come back and join the group after a gap of one minute. We have often asked him the reason behind it. He never answered us. Our determined friend, Stephen soon found the answer when he followed Robert when he left the group for his usual one minute hiatus. Stephen came back running , clipping his nose with his fingers.
I am not doing justice to this post. I am talking too much about the silent assassin type of farting in this post. Coming back to the audible bomb type of farters, the first and last person who comes to mind is my Uncle Edward Raja. He is an electrical engineer. He came to our house for celebrating Christmas. My Dad asked me and my cousin Jenin to help Uncle Edward in decorating the Christmas Tree. Now I want the readers to picturise the following scene
  • So Uncle Edward was standing on a chair. He was wearing a Lungi (An Indian casual wear). He was decorating the Christmas tree and hence he was facing the Christmas tree
  • Jenin was holding the chair and was standing behind Uncle Edward. Jenin's face was in close proximity to Uncle Edward's rear end
  • I was in the same room watching TV.
  • My Mom and Edward Uncle's wife were sitting on the couch and singing songs.
  • My friends (Sheila, Ruben, Jacintha) were watching TV along with me
All the above mentioned people were in the same room. Suddenly there was a monstrous sound and immediately we knew what it was. All of us ran away from the room. Poor Jenin was still holding on to the chair. Uncle Edward is still the centre of attraction in our family get togethers. [A note to Uncle Edward: I never had any idea to write about you. I wrote this just because you dared me to write about you in my blog.]
Farting is a dangerous act when you have a two year old sitting next to you. Never under estimate two year old kids. One lady was sitting in the church and suddenly her two year year old daughter started laughing aloud and proclaimed to the whole church," My Mummy farted". There are close to 500 people in my church.
Apart from the basic two types of farts, there are various other varieties of farts. The names says it all
  • The Bulls eye
  • The whistle
  • Dry cough
  • Wet slush
  • Milky breeze
  • The short and cute ones
  • The mega serial types
  • Typhoon
  • Anaesthesia
  • Chocolate smoothie
  • The nut cracker
Facts about Farts:
  • An average person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts.
  • It takes 13 seconds for the odour to travel to the farter's nostrils, because fart doesnt travel as fast as the speed of sound.
  • People fart even after their death
  • Everyone farts! The King, Queen, Mothers, Fathers, Children, Grand mothers, Uncles, Sisters, Brothers, neighbours, post-man, Britney spears, Chronicwriter, President Obama, Lallu Prasad Yadav
  • Everyone farts while they sleep.( You might be a specialist in the silent assassin technique while you are awake. But you never know what type you are when you sleep)
  • Dogs and cats are turned on at the smell of human farts ( Beware of farting when your pet is near you)
Though farters are always looked down upon as guilty murderers, it is their very existance that makes the world a challenging place to live in. Do not hold it up very longer. Just let it go.
-Chronicwriter