Jul 17, 2009

350. Objection! My Lord...

  • 1)Are you the kind of person who would love to talk in office meetings, but always end up sitting quietly in a team argument?
  • 2)Are you the one whose opinions are never heard amongst your colleagues?
  • 3)Are you that same human being who is always looked down by everyone when they converse with you?
  • 4)Do you lack argumentative skills?
If your answer is YES, this post is just for you. This morning, Chronicwriter spent nearly 20 minutes in the loo to come out with a solution for people like you.

If your answer is NO, you can still read this post. I am sure that you know that everything written here is crap. The intention is to see that bright smile back on your face.

The Scenario


Consider the scenario of you being in a room with ten of your colleagues and the discussion is getting hotter. The Boss is sitting chairing the argument. This is your opportunity to gain his attention by talking wisely. But If you are the kind of guy who doesn't even understand what the topic is, then you gotta take my advice.

Chronicwriter's Gyaan on effective Talking

Let us assume that the Topic is "Pricing the New-product" . Of course No one in the meeting room will have any idea about what might be the best pricing mechanism for the product in talk. The Product manager (The Boss) would also not have any idea on what is happening in the room. This is where you gotta understand the reason behind the meeting. Usually Bosses conduct meetings because they would have seen this picture.

If you had gone through the above picture, you would know that the Boss would be the one who would usually do the initial talk. This initial talk would go on for some 30 minutes. This is the time when you are supposed to eat the biscuits, drink coffee and send text messages via your hand phone to your friends. Do not ask silly questions to offend your boss. Let the boss do all the talking. After the initial speech is over, you and your colleagues get the opportunity to discuss and brainstorm to arrive at a conclusion.

Always remember to start the conversation after the boss finishes his speech. Make it sure that you give a dizzy feeling to your team-mates in your starting lines. So always start with a quantitative analytical report.(In other words, Speak Numbers). So please dont start the argument by saying," We should price our product cheaper to penetrate the market". Instead just say:" The average product line leverage buying capacity from the customer side is $86 per month which is 24 % higher than the average buying capacity of an individual customer"

The ground rule is simple. No one should understand what you speak.Round one is yours. You would have surely got your boss's attention. But remember that all your 9 colleagues are also there to get the boss's attention . So there would surely be one Smart-Head who would pop up the question," Where did you get that figures from?". Do not fret. Just make up an instant answer, " This is from the Haylard and Montengmor Report on retail products and it was published in the European Journal of Marketing -Volume III" End this line with " Haven't you read it yet?" .Say this in a stern voice.This is the exact moment you are supposed to turn and look at your boss and smile gently.

Now you have made the rest of the team members feel so small. So you can start munching on the doughnut and give others an opportunity to speak.It is impossible for anyone in the room to continue from your initial opening statements. So invariably the team members would try to change the topic and take it in a different direction. In the mean time, make it sure that you finish the doughnut and get ready for the second tactic.

The second tactic is very risky and it should be used with great precision. The following five points should be memorised before you use the second tactic.
  • 1)In terms of
  • 2)So let me put it this way
  • 3)Per se
  • 4)The demographics can be
  • 5)Consider this scenario (Chronicwriter started this post with this line)
In addition please memorise the abbreviations MTD, SRSL, TQM (Total quality management). Please do not ask me what the first two abbreviations stand for. Just expand them using your creative brains.

Now I hope you would have memorized the five words/phrases and also the acronyms. Now I will explain how to use these phrases in a meeting.

Suppose you want to say," Class-B customers would prefer to buy 3 products per month but they do not have enough money". I can bet you that you won't win an argument by talking plain simple sentences like that. If you want to shock your team mates the second time say this," So let me put it this way,in terms of product buying capacity of the Class-B Customer,the demographics can be segmented according to their negative buying power per se, as it were MTD."

Only an idiot would challenge this statement. Now you would have even made your boss look very inferior. So even your boss might be scared to ask any doubts and make a fool of himself at this juncture. Now just sit back, relax and watch all your team mates faces. They would be shell shocked for sure. But do not relax for more than five minutes, because by then they would have regained their composture. But even if they regain their compusture, do not worry because you still havent driven the nail in the coffin.

Humor is the name of the final nail. You have taken the discussion to a whole new level and your colleagues would be in the middle of an heated argument. Time would be running out of their hands and hence they would be waiting to pounce on each other at the slightest of mistakes committed by the other team mate. So this is where you should drive the nail in the coffin. Always keep a few sarcastical lines in your memory. You can use these lines when someone tries to corner you. For example remember these three remarks.
  • 1)Don't compare apples to oranges
  • 2)Don't be too defensive.
  • 3)What are your parameters ( This is very useful. Only TRUE engineers/chartered accountants know the meaning of Parameters)
Also do not forget to use the classic remark: Are you feeling uncomfortable?
This is how you should use these reflex-lines

You say: In 2008 the Finance minister Mr. Fernandez issued..
Your colleague says: In 2008, Mr.Chidambaram was the Finance minister
You say: Don't compare apples to oranges

You say : Class B customers have more buying capacity than Class A customers
Your colleague says: Class B are poorer than Class A
You say: Don't be too defensive

When nothing works out and if your colleague has cornered you to the wall, look into his eyes and say " You remind me of my strict grandfather" and before he could reply, end your statement by saying," Are you feeling uncomfortable?". If he says No, you can start it all over again with the quantitative analytical report.

Meetings would never have been this much fun in your life.

-Chronicwriter ( Winner of Best team contributor for two years in a row)

73 comments:

  1. though i dont fall into the above stated category, i still read it. all bcoz you toiled it after 20 minutes of time in the loo.

    nice analysis there. No seriously. You have indeed done some serious research.

    this happens to me all the time. When i write some humorous post, i endup sounding serious. but when i write a serious and poignant post, people comment that it was the funniest post they read since long.i guess something seriously wrong with my sense of humour.

    This is seriously a very nice post. Kudos.:))))

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  2. "So let me put it this way,in terms of product buying capacity of the Class-B Customer,the demographics can be segmented according to their negative buying power per se, as it were MTD." LOL

    "You say: In 2008 the Finance minister Mr. Fernandez issued..
    Your colleague says: In 2008, Mr.Chidambaram was the Finance minister
    You say: Don't compare apples to oranges

    You say : Class B customers have more buying capacity than Class A customers
    Your colleague says: Class B are poorer than Class A
    You say: Don't be too defensive"


    "When nothing works out and if your colleague has cornered you to the wall, look into his eyes and say " You remind me of my strict grandfather" and before he could reply, end your statement by saying," Are you feeling uncomfortable?". If he says No, you can start it all over again with the quantitative analytical report" rotfl

    "1)In terms of
    2)So let me put it this way
    3)Per se
    4)The demographics can be
    5)Consider this scenario (Chronicwriter started this post with this line)" - yengendhu pudipeenga Chriz? Oru motha hotel-aye bokk panni yosippeengala? lol

    The whole post - rotflest

    I have occasionally found myself as one of the three types of persons and I have found my answers. Yay!


    Jai Ho Chriz. Goodnight :)

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  3. Howcome only two comments till now ? been half n hour since the post published

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  4. Quite useful post? i certainly agree that Humor is the best way to ease the discussion! I think one use of yur wit and it will make the discussion look smaller than it has to be :) kalakal ngo, as usual

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  5. haha

    its not the quantum of comments that matters.. its the quality of comments that counts these days

    that explains it :)

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  6. damn.. funny as hell..
    give me a strategy to get my travel approved inspite of recession. my company sends people onsite for business reasons they come up with, there's no budget control for busniess reasons. but i need that reason

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  7. @sneha
    yus.. i will draft a post on that soon.. would be real fun to write an article on business travel tricks :P

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  8. I try to apply a bit of hee-hee[s] in my GDs so that the tension falls down :P

    But I loved your post. Great tips to make your colleagues look : buzz off and tell your boss that : I'm a genius.

    Good one =)

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  9. I am wondering what will happen on the day I will become the boss...!
    :D

    And I wish your boss reads this...! };-)

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  10. Chriz... you are damn clever. Yes it brought a huge grin.. but your wit reflects in every sentence.

    "1)In terms of
    2)So let me put it this way
    3)Per se
    4)The demographics can be
    5)Consider this scenario (Chronicwriter started this post with this line)"

    Ultimate Chriz... lots of take aways from your post, than those boring, pompous discussions I had witnessed many a times :) LOVED THIS POST

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  11. hahaha,thanks chriz,it must be handy in some time :D..
    but 20min in the loo?so much hardship??:P

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  12. You crossed all lines here! That was real fun reading and commenting too[though the quality might not be soo good] ;)
    Cheers. :)

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  13. "This morning, Chronicwriter spent nearly 20 minutes in the loo to come out with a solution for people like you." .... only for the rhyme ? :P

    this is awesome tho ! my very own blogger buddy b-school ! hahahahah!

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  14. This is seriously a grt post dude...u rock!

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  15. The average number of smiles brought about by your blog are 67% higher than the average number of smiles brought about by any individual blogger. :P

    So let me put it this way, your blog rocks in terms of qualtiy per se.

    Hilarious post!

    Cheers

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  16. make that soon post like "real soon"

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  17. u remind me of my strict grandfather...are you uncomfortable ? :P

    I think im goin to ask my bschool people for a fee refund...they can never teach all this...haha..nice one.

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  18. ha ha h ahah.... the exact reason i held meetings at my job previously.. and d exact way i used baffle ppl with figure n pie charts n stuff... lolzzz..

    chriz u made me nostalgic...

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  19. ROFLMAO!!! omg brilliant!!
    this is ur best yet!!!
    loved it. i m starting my career soon... with meetings and presentations.. the works, y'know! I'm gonna enjoy myself!! :D

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  20. Chriz......really a great post....!!! luv reading this....bro ur really a freaky....!!!!

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  21. Hey Prason dis post is one of the best of ur writings... Even i didnt understand... Ok i didnt understand ur analysis... brother... ni engayo iruka vendiyavan.... Kalakara mama

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  22. Ahh...so that's the tactic. If you ask me what kind of a meeting-personality I am, I am an explosion in some and a dormant listener in others. But this made some good piece of info. :)

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  23. there ws a chemistry teacher at my school. whenevr we asked him a question he found difficult to answer he used to confuse us badly..wth some terms we've nevr heard ;)

    i guess he follows ur tips..or either he's ur buddy..:P:P

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  24. The ground rule is simple. I love it!!

    Just came from night shift and it was worth checking your page mate.

    MTD : Month-To-Date : We use this term quite frequently @ work.

    Even at times we all sound funny etcetera but maybe I've not mastered the art of writing hilariously funny posts yet.

    Thanks da \\m// \\m//

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  25. Yep, got the bright smile back!! So funny because its so true!! During meetings, I feel like an orange in a basket of apples..really!

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  26. you are unbelievable, great post once again, but the technicalities were awesome,

    following your tips rgt away......


    take care and keep writing.......

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  27. hey
    This was absolutely hilarious :)
    I am not the very silent/noisy person anyways.....I creatively use the time to scribble my blog posts/solve some gr8 questions (like how sardar will kill a bird :P ) ... or improvise my handwriting by writing some good lyrics of my fav songs ....
    N wen i feel like to be noticed, I will just pop up a confusing question and relax while my colleagues are 100% confused over it :P ...
    Next time onwards , I guess I will use more quotes from european economic forum magazines and add more parameters :D
    thanks chrizzz

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  28. Haven't entered the office world till now but these pointers wd be really useful when I finally get into ...

    Thanxs Chriz :)

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  29. Can I please be your disciple? for life that is...

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  30. LOL, usually when i read any of ur posts, And i check comments, there are already so much tht i laugh, U r popular, u know tht, But today when i saw the comment list, i was shocked to see only 2 comments till now, cudnt stop myself from posting tht comment :D

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  31. Btw post was REALLY funny :D !!

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  32. ok jotted down all the points ..will use err misuse them soon :)

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  33. One of my managers use this one very frequently in discussion and meetings- "So let me put it this way" - Now many people have started imitating it.

    Now I have the new ones
    1)In terms of

    3)Per se
    4)The demographics can be
    5)Consider this scenario

    Quite a useful post.Thanks a ton :)

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  34. What u started writing as a humor post probably turned up as an informative post. I agree, sometimes professionalism is more about show-off than substance!! But not always so..

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  35. WOW! That's explains a lot about you :) Rock on, dude! The BOSS might be reading this JK!

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  36. thankfully my meetings are all so fun :P

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  37. Chriz,

    This is gonna be really useful for me :) I am gonna step into the corporate world. Will definitely consider all your lessons ji :D

    HILARIOUS.... I loved it so so so much Chriz :)

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  38. awesome strategy... will put it to test surely when I start working...

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  39. ROFL!

    I have an important (boring)meeting coming up on Monday..will use ur tips! Thanks :)

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  40. Man this is so true.
    This happens not only in meeting even the smallest of discussions and status updates.

    I realised it all after reading ur posts.
    gee thanks now i wil get to use these ideas Haha

    And do catch up with my latest post, coz it was inspired from one of ur posts :)

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  41. Haha! This is so useful and wonderfully true! :D Thanks! ;) Ippe lende meeting training! Good good. :)

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  42. An overdose of LOL! But need to add, Some Enlightening Material :)

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  43. Going to try this at work! If *I* get fired, YOU will get me a job, no? Itna toh guarantee hai? :D

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  44. Ha ha...Meetings are good excuses to sleep! But the constant suplly of tea and coffee, do let me take the nap while all others Yap..yap and yap..

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  45. read ur post in office,few minutes later colleagues were staring at me seeing me laughing all alone,couldnt help it chriz,it was really great,please keep on with the great job

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  46. Mate, you are tips are a little late, but I can still make the use of those witty phrases!!

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  47. Wooo....Very informative. It always happens. Gunners do exist in almost every team. :-) And its fun to be one!

    Will use these strategies at my work..Nice post.

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  48. If there's anything I HATE in my work life, well then thats MEETINGS. At Meetings, I simply sleep with my eyes open.


    Keshi.

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  49. Chrony,
    Have tried such tactics already and I got the name "Araathu party" from my PM. After this I never open my mouth in meeting, I just nod my head for everything.

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  50. Now I know how the MBA in you works. Good! :)

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  51. some really nice tricks chriz i have already been applying few of them in my presentations n it works :P
    hehe...
    Gotta learn few more frm ur post will surely help me in my job in near future :P
    Good day!!

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  52. funny post chriz..
    looks like our policy in exams..
    if you cant convince them, confuse them.. :-)

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  53. Mate, you got tagged, check it on my blog

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  54. as a techie, can't stand meetings but, seems like there are ways of making them interesting enough.

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  55. hehe... the meeting waali pic is so funny... Now I knw why my boss always calls for a meeting every day... :)

    I never in my faintest thoughts, had any idea on this concept of winning the argument...hehe... thanks for sharing ur GYAAN with us.

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  56. Ha ha...

    I'm still in college and intend to do so for two more years. I'll take classes from you before joining the corporate world. :p :p

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  57. oyeeeee thanks so much for this priceless gyaan.. will try out.. HUGS if it works, and KICKS if it doesn okie
    and Mr.. for me to call ya, you need to fill in the blank spaces of your number.. I know it starts with 9.fill next 9 digits to get bugged :)
    cheers !!:)

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  58. rofl... too good.. i couldn't not control my laugh while reading through :))

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  59. you know wat chriz..i got a job(yes first job ) and iwas reading ur blog in office :|..big mistake..
    my boss seen this....
    and i tasted office-public- humiliation :(..
    btw i did manage :P..if ur blog is dere then who cares all this humiliation :P
    kudos..for such a post
    :D

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  60. hahhahaa...i cant stop grinning and cant help being impressed...m soooo sueprlu duperly impressed with u Chriz...u r awesome...
    cheerrrrs:)

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  61. man i love ur meeting poster
    and what a gyaan
    now i want classes from u
    so when u free :P

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  62. exactly what me needs now...getting into the nitty gritties of the corporate world in a couple of months full time:D
    thnx:)

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  63. are u taking any more classes some time?
    Im desperately in need of a lot of gyan:D

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  64. hey chriz...this is seriously a nice post....feeling very sleepy now i dont know why!!

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  65. What a brilliant ideas...woh..you are Great.Your toilet is a great place...why dont you blog about your toilet?..its the bothi tree for you..

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  66. a post dedicated to me.... :P


    hehehehe

    nice post bro

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  67. I wonder what I've been doing for so long, not reading your blog!
    It was awesome.. the 'Meeting' poster had me cracking up.
    Great work, keep it up!
    Aparna

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  68. Haha!! So true!The post was hilarious to the last letter.!! LOL!
    This is what I did in my meetings with my Boss and other co-ord's of my proj in my final sem of college. except for the fact, that I dint talk as much as you did. I did eat a lot of cutlets, lots of coffee (in an attempt to stay awake)

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  69. :)Hey this post s really tooo kool....I like it. Today I have a meeting with an american fellow in d afternoon around 2pm......who neva allows me to speak......today m gonna try out ur tips......n wil let u knw whether they worked out or not....neways I had a real good time readin ur post......

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