Tuesday, July 28, 2009

351. The Kung-Fu Master

Warning: Extremely dangerous post. Readers are requested not to try this at home.
It is just one month away. I am waiting for that big day in my life. August 28th 2009 is gonna be a great day for me. I am looking forward to it. Dreaming about that day has kept me away from my page for more than a week. I came back to write something about some good old memories from my life.
When I was a 7 year old kid, I saw the movie," Enter the Dragon". I became an instant fan of Bruce Lee. From that day onwards my poor sister would be at the recipient end of my kicks and punches. I would often stand in front of the mirror and admire my rib cage bones (I still do that) and scream like Bruce Lee. Out of rage, I have even gone to the extent of tearing pillows and venting my power output on the cushions. Such outbursts had resulted in my mother punishing me very badly. I am sad that the option of 911 was not there when I was a kid.

I soon joined a Karate class and after 7 years I got my Black belt in Karate. Breaking a clay-brick was not a very tough job anymore. It was as simple as killing a mosquito. Throwing a clay-brick from the top of your house on the road is a simple method to break the brick. I was very good in it. I still do it with ease. When I entered college, I became eligible to become a Karate Master because I also learnt Kung-Fu and I had completed 4 dons after my black belt. But I never told any of my friends that I am an exponent of a martial art.

Soon, I started working in an IT firm and my colleagues found out that I am a Kung-Fu Master. These were the same boys with whom I joined hands and formed the Biker Boy gang (Please read this [link] to know about the dangerous adventures of the Biker Boys). So after much pressure from my friends, I decided to teach them Kung-Fu. In Mandarin, the word "Zhu" is used to refer to a Master. So as a first lesson, I made my colleagues to call me Master.Zhu. They instantly obeyed my command because they knew that if they did not respect their master, they would be subjected to his wrath and his iron fists.(I was their Master)

I envisaged a plan and decided to teach them two Killer Moves that would topple any enemy.

  • 1) The Power Lift
  • 2) The Ostrich kick
The Power Lift is a very dangerous technique that can be performed only by expert Black belt exponents like me. If a person masters the art of Power Lift, he can lift even an elephant.

(Chronicwriter preforming the Power Lift)

The Ostrich Kick is another extreme dangerous martial art move. This move is deadly and can be used to kill three persons simultaneously. This particular move involves great flexibility and the Kung-Fu exponent performs this move in mid air by jumping 6 feet above the ground. The exponent not only jumps 6 feet above the ground but also does a 180 degree split in mid air and spreads his hands like the tail of an ostrich. This move instantly brings death to the enemy.

(The Ostrich Kick) [To be pronounced as Ass-Stretch Kick]
The above two moves are very dangerous and I request my readers, not to try this at home or at market place or in the toilet. Coming back to the topic, I took my friends to the top of a mountain and put them under rigorous training for 30 days. They became physically strong. But to perform the above two deadly moves, one should be emotionally strong too. So I decided to train them with a new form of meditation. I again took them to the top of a mountain and taught them to meditate. If they had meditated for 30 days, they'd have become mentally strong too.

29 days of meditation made them really strong and I knew that they were almost ready for fighting against the world. But on the last day, the unthinkable happened. All my efforts went down the drain because one of my friends (Shiva) did the unthinkable. The candid camera caught him red-handed. He wasn't meditating properly but was smiling during the meditation session and hence my dreams of building a strong team of martial art exponents came down crashing on the final day.

Shiva is now the father of a kid and his naughtiness still prevails. When I think about this Karate memories, a few drop of tears escape from my eye lids.

Note: I am pretty sure that the readers of Chronicwriter.com would have realised by now that the whole post is full of lies. But I assure you that One thing that I mentioned in this post is absolutely true. Can you find what it is?

Additional Note: Chronicwriter is going to shed his clothes for his next post.

Friday, July 17, 2009

350. Objection! My Lord...

  • 1)Are you the kind of person who would love to talk in office meetings, but always end up sitting quietly in a team argument?
  • 2)Are you the one whose opinions are never heard amongst your colleagues?
  • 3)Are you that same human being who is always looked down by everyone when they converse with you?
  • 4)Do you lack argumentative skills?
If your answer is YES, this post is just for you. This morning, Chronicwriter spent nearly 20 minutes in the loo to come out with a solution for people like you.

If your answer is NO, you can still read this post. I am sure that you know that everything written here is crap. The intention is to see that bright smile back on your face.

The Scenario

Consider the scenario of you being in a room with ten of your colleagues and the discussion is getting hotter. The Boss is sitting chairing the argument. This is your opportunity to gain his attention by talking wisely. But If you are the kind of guy who doesn't even understand what the topic is, then you gotta take my advice.

Chronicwriter's Gyaan on effective Talking

Let us assume that the Topic is "Pricing the New-product" . Of course No one in the meeting room will have any idea about what might be the best pricing mechanism for the product in talk. The Product manager (The Boss) would also not have any idea on what is happening in the room. This is where you gotta understand the reason behind the meeting. Usually Bosses conduct meetings because they would have seen this picture.

If you had gone through the above picture, you would know that the Boss would be the one who would usually do the initial talk. This initial talk would go on for some 30 minutes. This is the time when you are supposed to eat the biscuits, drink coffee and send text messages via your hand phone to your friends. Do not ask silly questions to offend your boss. Let the boss do all the talking. After the initial speech is over, you and your colleagues get the opportunity to discuss and brainstorm to arrive at a conclusion.

Always remember to start the conversation after the boss finishes his speech. Make it sure that you give a dizzy feeling to your team-mates in your starting lines. So always start with a quantitative analytical report.(In other words, Speak Numbers). So please dont start the argument by saying," We should price our product cheaper to penetrate the market". Instead just say:" The average product line leverage buying capacity from the customer side is $86 per month which is 24 % higher than the average buying capacity of an individual customer"

The ground rule is simple. No one should understand what you speak.Round one is yours. You would have surely got your boss's attention. But remember that all your 9 colleagues are also there to get the boss's attention . So there would surely be one Smart-Head who would pop up the question," Where did you get that figures from?". Do not fret. Just make up an instant answer, " This is from the Haylard and Montengmor Report on retail products and it was published in the European Journal of Marketing -Volume III" End this line with " Haven't you read it yet?" .Say this in a stern voice.This is the exact moment you are supposed to turn and look at your boss and smile gently.

Now you have made the rest of the team members feel so small. So you can start munching on the doughnut and give others an opportunity to speak.It is impossible for anyone in the room to continue from your initial opening statements. So invariably the team members would try to change the topic and take it in a different direction. In the mean time, make it sure that you finish the doughnut and get ready for the second tactic.

The second tactic is very risky and it should be used with great precision. The following five points should be memorised before you use the second tactic.
  • 1)In terms of
  • 2)So let me put it this way
  • 3)Per se
  • 4)The demographics can be
  • 5)Consider this scenario (Chronicwriter started this post with this line)
In addition please memorise the abbreviations MTD, SRSL, TQM (Total quality management). Please do not ask me what the first two abbreviations stand for. Just expand them using your creative brains.

Now I hope you would have memorized the five words/phrases and also the acronyms. Now I will explain how to use these phrases in a meeting.

Suppose you want to say," Class-B customers would prefer to buy 3 products per month but they do not have enough money". I can bet you that you won't win an argument by talking plain simple sentences like that. If you want to shock your team mates the second time say this," So let me put it this way,in terms of product buying capacity of the Class-B Customer,the demographics can be segmented according to their negative buying power per se, as it were MTD."

Only an idiot would challenge this statement. Now you would have even made your boss look very inferior. So even your boss might be scared to ask any doubts and make a fool of himself at this juncture. Now just sit back, relax and watch all your team mates faces. They would be shell shocked for sure. But do not relax for more than five minutes, because by then they would have regained their composture. But even if they regain their compusture, do not worry because you still havent driven the nail in the coffin.

Humor is the name of the final nail. You have taken the discussion to a whole new level and your colleagues would be in the middle of an heated argument. Time would be running out of their hands and hence they would be waiting to pounce on each other at the slightest of mistakes committed by the other team mate. So this is where you should drive the nail in the coffin. Always keep a few sarcastical lines in your memory. You can use these lines when someone tries to corner you. For example remember these three remarks.
  • 1)Don't compare apples to oranges
  • 2)Don't be too defensive.
  • 3)What are your parameters ( This is very useful. Only TRUE engineers/chartered accountants know the meaning of Parameters)
Also do not forget to use the classic remark: Are you feeling uncomfortable?
This is how you should use these reflex-lines

You say: In 2008 the Finance minister Mr. Fernandez issued..
Your colleague says: In 2008, Mr.Chidambaram was the Finance minister
You say: Don't compare apples to oranges

You say : Class B customers have more buying capacity than Class A customers
Your colleague says: Class B are poorer than Class A
You say: Don't be too defensive

When nothing works out and if your colleague has cornered you to the wall, look into his eyes and say " You remind me of my strict grandfather" and before he could reply, end your statement by saying," Are you feeling uncomfortable?". If he says No, you can start it all over again with the quantitative analytical report.

Meetings would never have been this much fun in your life.

-Chronicwriter ( Winner of Best team contributor for two years in a row)

Monday, July 13, 2009

349. Beware of Kids

Note: This Post contains nude pictures. So Young children are requested to read this post when your parents are not around
When I was a little kid, I was a terror in my neighbourhood. When ever we visited our neighbours' houses they would keep a constant eye on me. I had the habit of fiddling with anything that I could lay my little hands on. Even at our place, all objects were placed at strategic positions that I could not reach. I have thrown flower vases out through the window,broken show-case glass panes, pelted my neighbour's pet dog's rear end with stones,peed inside the well. I also had the great habit of bed wetting. Now I have mellowed down big time and at times I miss my naughty childhood in a big way. Old age is catching up pretty fast. But everyone has a child inside us and that child makes us happy every now and then.

How ever the kids of the present generation are more dangerous than the notorious terrorists of the world. The kids of these days should be banished behind the seven seas. I recently saw a picture of a three year old boy. He is a brat of the first order. He is an underwear fetish. Check this photo for yourself.

The lady victim stopped wearing an underwear after this fateful incident. Do you remember my seven year old neighbour, Ryan?[link] He has a very bad habit of giving me mental-complex problems. His mother showed me a picture of Ryan, when he was in first grade. It was a romantic photo indeed. But when a 27 year old single guy comes across such a picture; jealousy and anger knows no bounds.

Let us talk about a world issue now. The American President, who came into power because Oprah wanted him to be the president has all the traits of a chameleon. When he contested for presidential post, he used his name like this - Barrack Hussein Obama. But recently when he addressed the Islamic nations he projected his name like this - Barack Hussein Obama. He learnt his lesson from a five year old kid, Gary. Obama wanted to prove to the Americans that he is just a commoner and hence he walked into a supermarket and started shopping. He even wanted to let everyone know that he is very good with kids. The below picture was taken just five seconds before Obama was slapped by Gary.

Coming back to Ryan; When Ryan was a one year old baby, he ate his Dog's legs. I hope that Ryan will not be arrested by M.Gandhi and her gang. I am at least happy that the Dog was a bitch (female dog; The author was not trying to sound gender biased).If only it was a male dog, Ryan would have eaten something else and would have conducted a free vasectomy ceremony to the poor dog. The bitch is still alive, sans two legs, one ear and the tail. The bitch looks like a hen now.

If you had given your hand-phones to a little child, you would have been a victim of any of the following
  1. Huge telephone bills
  2. Strangers calling you in the middle of the night and warning you not to give prank calls
  3. Impaired phones
  4. Your girlfriend would have left you
  5. Your boyfriend would have left you

The author of this blog is a victim too. He advices the readers not to give their mobile phones to little children;especially if you have a flip phone, keep it far away from little children.

I said "Ouch", when I saw this picture. What was your immediate reaction?


Wednesday, July 08, 2009

348. tom, DICK & harry

I have nothing against the Real Madrid football club. They have this wonderful knack of picking the world's best strikers in their side. These strikers are then made to warm the benches and finally their football career will end in a disaster. They play the 4-2-3-1 formation and they have 14 of the best strikers in the world to fill the spots.When a football fan learns that Kaka, Ronaldo, Benzema, Robben, Snejder, Raul and Higuin play for the same club he would surely believe that there is no team to beat them. But over the years, the club has always disappointed me by going for poor team selection. The latest to join the great club is Christiano Ronaldo. Girls would go GA-GA over his looks.I thought that he made the wrong choice when he joined the club but when he started dating Paris Hilton, I realised that joining the club is a lot better decision.

Paris Hilton, the 28 year old spoilt girl of a Rich father who runs a hotel business has been in the news for all the wrong reasons.She created a big fuss when Britney Spear's eleven month old Baby Jayden James touched her breast. You can clearly see in the picture that the baby is not doing the crime on purpose. But Paris started crying and she had to be consoled by her BFF. This was the same Paris Hilton who filmed her own experimental videos with her Guy-friends. This is again the same Paris Hilton who was not affected at all when a stranger molested her in a night club [link].

In a far-off Place in India, a woman who is a mixture of Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson is creating emotional News waves, that has even touched the hearts and souls of people living in Antarctica. Her name is Rakhi Sawant. Apparently her parents had performed many meditational and medicational measures and experiments to bring Rakhi into this world. Rakhi Sawant was the first woman in India to act in the Kamasutra-Demonstration video.(Please do not try searching for the video on youtube. The author of this blog has done enough searches with all his imaginative key-search-words and still couldn't find it). Rakhi Sawant is again the same lady who created a big scene when dancer Mika kissed her on her lips. Her latest show on T.V, Rakhi's swayamvar is an attempt by Rakhi to find her right life partner. More than 1 lakh men from India applied for the show with dreams of becoming Rakhi's dream Man. Chronicwriter also sent an application that was rejected on grounds that could not be explained in this blog.

Rakhi's Swayamvar is an emotional thriller that moves everyone. I have watched the show and i found myself with tear drops. Such is the impact of the show. The show is also rated high on the TRP rating scene in India.

“With ratings of 3.5 per cent in cable and satellite homes of the Hindi speaking market, Rakhi Ka Swayamvar is possibly the highest rated show in the recent history of NDTV Imagine,” said Joseph Eapen, director (research), aMap, which measures overnight ratings.
My interest for the show has increased by million folds when i found out that the show is not only an emotional puller but also an informative one. In the last episode of the show Rakhi was talking about Silicon Implants and Silicon Valley. I strongly believe that when she mentioned Silicon Valley she was talking about Information technology and its role in the current economic crunch situation in the world. However my four year old neighbour boy said that she was talking about her cleavage. I argued with him on this subject matter and we have finally agreed to watch this week's show to find the answer.
In the mean time, the Indian High court made a very bold ruling that made the members of India's gay community to celebrate. Yes, Gay marriages were finally legalised in India on 2nd July 2009. The famous quote by Actor,Trey Parker comes into my mind.
You know what they say: You can't teach a gay dog straight tricks.
All religious books admonish Sodomy and The Holy Bible also strongly opposes Homosexuality. But still there are many people who like to serve the world as well as their religion. On a spiritual level, no one can serve two masters. I know it sounds like an impractical statement. But the decision is in our hands. Yes we all have freewill and if we believe that we would be judged by God, then we ought to follow religious laws. If we do not believe in it, then it doesn't matter. It all started because of Tom, Dick and Harry. When Harry was taking a nap, Tom pulled down Dick's nappy and curiosity just killed the cat.


Saturday, July 04, 2009

347. Solving the Rubik's Cube

The Rubik's Cube is the world's best selling toy. It was invented in the year 1974 by a Hungarian Architect,Erno Rubik. It is also the world's top selling puzzle game.My dad bought me a Rubik's cube when I was a kid and he taught me the technique to solve the puzzle. As a kid, i used to blindly follow the technique and solve the puzzle. But now if someone asks me to solve it, i couldn't because I have forgotten the formula.
The movie-Pursuit of happiness has brought tear drops to my eyes many a times. I could totally relate to Will Smith's characterisation in the movie in many scenes. The Rubik's cube plays a vital part in the life of the Hero of the movie,Chris Gardner. If you haven't watched the movie yet, do watch it soon. It is really a soul touching film indeed.
Coming back to Rubik's cube, I am writing this post to help all my readers to solve the puzzle. If there are winners, there would be losers. A coin has two sides. For every problem there would be a good solution and there would be a bad solution also. So if you could call my solution for the puzzle as the Good solution, then you should know the person behind the bad solution. He is none other than the rear-end of all jokes Mr. George W Bush. He was once asked to solve the puzzle.

He stared at the cube for more than an hour and suddenly called for a press meet in which he made a public statement to the world

"I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans,again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best." George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009.

So I decided to help Mr.Bush on this case and designed a special cube for him to solve. This cube is white in color. Apparently Mr. Bush solved this puzzle in 25 minutes.People who have the IQ of Mr.Bush are requested to solve this puzzle and not to try the original Rubik's cube.

In the mean time Mr.Bush wanted a slightly complicated puzzle to solve. So with the help of two scientists, I came up with a tougher upgrade of the beginner level exclusively for him.

Now as we have made the less IQ people busy by giving them their much needed answer, we would proceed to find the solution for the original Rubik's cube puzzle.
Sometimes in life people discourage us by saying that we can't do certain things in life. They say it because they themselves can't do it. So they try to bog us down too. Never ever listen to what they say. Always follow your heart ( This paragraph is an advice from my alter ego-Mr.X. My alter-ego also saw the movie Pursuit of Happiness along with me. This paragraph is a punctured version of the original advice that Will Smith gives to his son in the movie. Better watch the movie to understand the lines better)
Let me not beat around the bush. So i am gonna give you the easiest way to solve the Rubik's puzzle.
Rubik's cube - 1 number (the solvee)
Human being - 1 number (the solver)
Paint brush - 1 number
Paint - 6 colours
The solution is very complicated to explain. So I'd rather attach a picture of how to solve a Rubik's cube.

Moral: Impossible is Possible.

Friday, July 03, 2009

346. Being a Bachelor

When H.L Mencken came up with the very famous quote "Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.", the women community started calling him,"Mencken the Chicken". The author of this blog is a bachelor all his life (so far). This post is an attempt by him to prove to the rest of the world that a bachelor life is the greatest boon to Mankind.

Disclaimer: All the statements made in this post is from the personal experiences of the author and the author has no intention to hurt the sentiments of non-bachelors and women.

Additional Disclaimer: This post can be understood by people who have shared rooms with friends when they were bachelors.

Ten reasons why a Bachelor life is a boon to mankind

1) A bachelor can make the rules at home. It doesn't really matter, if the toilet seat is up or down. It doesn't even really matter even if the toilet doesn't have a seat. The kitchen is exactly not the place where cooking happens. A kitchen can be used for ironing clothes,washing clothes and sometimes used as the dining room.

2) A bachelor's bedroom will essentially have the following objects - A broken comb with strands of hair in it, A pillow cover that was washed a year ago, A bed sheet that serves the dual purpose of a hand towel also, a mobile phone under the pillow,a few notebooks that is full of poetry puked by the bachelor, a nylon string guitar which of course has a G-string too,socks on the tube light, underwear on the fan, a laptop that is never booted for more than a month, worn clothes lying on the floor, a pair of jeans on the hanger( This jean is worn by the bachelor when ever he leaves the house),a toothpaste-tube without the cap, a toothbrush which has bristles that look similar to Hitler's moustache,DVDs without the DVD cover and many more dynamic objects. A married man doesn't have such a privilege to have a bedroom like this.

3)A bachelor doesn't really need to return to the same house every night. He can crash down at his friend's house and he doesn't really need a bed to sleep. All he needs is a torn pillow shared by three people.He can go to work from his friend's place too. A house of the friend of a bachelor looks similar to the bachelor's house.

4) A bachelor can have as many girl friends as he can (at least in his dreams, if he is less talented like the author of this page). A bachelor is like an average Indian Cricket fan - He knows everything about the game and he can talk for hours about the game. But when you give him a bat, he will be bowled the very first ball.

5) Bachelors are extremely good cooks. If you have any doubts about this point, please check this[link]. But they forget all their cooking skills once they get married.

6) When a Bachelor smiles, you can clearly say that it is a Real smile.When a married man smiles, you know that he is faking it.

7) A bachelor will always remember his first love. The author of this blog also remembers his first love "Renu" always. Renu is married and is the mother of two kids now. But Chronicwriter's love for Renu is real.

8) Great people are bachelors.{Eg - Jeremy (My four year old nephew), Chronicwriter (Me) and Abdul Kalam (Former Indian President)}

9) A bachelor does not need to wake up with that same scared look on his face. My friend is married for the last two years and he says that when ever he wakes up from his sleep, he gets a scare. He said,"Chriz! Even the most beautiful woman in the world would look like a witch when she gets up from bed; Her hair will be all over the place and even the mouth of an angel stinks like that of the rear end of a cow in the morning". I said to him that I was not aware of this. So if you are a married man please tell me whether my friend was speaking the truth.

10) Bachelors need not wear the miniature hand-cuffs (Wedding rings). So they can play the guitar without any hassle. Chronicwriter dedicates one of his favorite songs to all his Blog readers. Check it out. It is the song of a Bachelor.

Bachelor Boy-Lyrics

1)When I was young my father said,Son I have something to say.And what he told me Ill never forget Until my dyin day.

He said son you are a bachelor boy,And thats the way to stay.Son, you be a bachelor boy until your dyin day

2)When I was sixteen I fell in love With a girl as sweet as could be. But I rememberd just in time,What my daddy said to me.

3)As time goes by I propably willMeet a girl and fall in loveThen Ill get married have a wife and a child.And theyll be my turtle doves.