Thursday, December 17, 2009

380. Farmville and the idiots

To start with, I would like to extend my gratitude to all my readers for voting me as India's third most humorous writer in the recently concluded indibloggies poll. The vital statistical information of the poll is added here. I bow down to all my friends who voted more than once from proxy ids. The results of this year's polls has taught me to be more vigilant and competent for next year's finals. I promise to create many e-mail ids before next year's poll.

Moving on to today's topic, I am gonna write about one thing that gets on my nerves every time i go online. I am talking about Farmville. Farmville is an addictive game application found in facebook.Farmville fans can now enjoy the addictive farming game on and bypass the Farmville Facebook App which they have been using so long. You still require to connect to Facebook for log in, so that you can retrieve your saved game and level, but the interface is much better. I was never sucked into the Farmville Craze even though, I was once forced to join Farmville by one blackmailing friend of mine.

Let me tell you, how i was tricked to join farmville. It was a cold November night. I was online and I was asking my friends to vote for my blog in the indibloggies competition. My friend Meera happened to be online too. I should have kept quiet. But out of sheer greed to get one more vote i started a conversation with her on Facebook chat.
Chrony : Hi Meera. Ssup?
(No reply for a long time. Was she throwing attitude? Should i send another message?What the heck? After all I get one more vote.)
Chrony : Hey Meera
Meera : Tell me. I am busy.
Chrony : Ok I'll make it quick then. Do vote for me in the indibloggies poll in the humor blogger category.
Meera : Yes. I will vote for you if you do me a favor
Chrony : and that is..???
Meera : Be my neighbour in farmville
That's how i joined farmville. out of the 161 votes, Meera's vote was because of farmville (Thanks to farmville). Every farmville expert would have seen this brown cow in their farm. It is not just an ordinary cow. It gives chocolate milk. What can one do with virtual chocolate milk? I am at least ok with the brown cow roaming around in the farm. But I could never digest the existence of the lonely pink cow which gives strawberry milk. We should be really vary of these cows. They have the audacity to give milk in different flavors but still end up getting lost in various farms. The moment i see them with their innocent faces, i feel like punching them. I would have done that, if i were using my friend's laptop instead of mine.Where on earth can you find a pink cow? I haven't seen one in my entire lifetime. I have seen a pink bull though. I saw the pink bull in a jallikattu ( The bullfight of Tamilnadu). I was just thinking whether it would give strawberry milk too. If you are a smart reader, you would have said," Hey Chriz! But one cannot milk a bull". To all those smart readers, i have one thing to say," Try milking the pink bull. You will see it smile"

A recent online conversation between Suresh and Chronicwriter. (Suresh is Chronicwriter’s classmate in college and he is recently married)

Chrony : Hi bro.. Howdie?
Suresh : Hi Chriz.. I am ok. How you?
Chrony: Just ok? You are just married for a week.
Suresh : Yeah Right
Chrony : Why do you sound so down? Any problem with your wife?
Suresh : Things were better when I was single, bro.
Chrony: Why? What happened?
Suresh : Its 11.30 P.M and she is playing Farmville.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Farmville is cited as a major reason for future divorces around the globe.A public message to Mrs. Suresh: I hope you would have understood your mistake by now. But I would rather prefer you to continue playing Farmville, because I am pretty sure that you would have a quality time tending your crops at Farmville than spending it with Suresh. Does he brush his teeth at least now?

My collegemate-Robert, who once had the habit of pelting dogs with stones especially during the dog-mating season ( I have no idea why he was jealous) is also in facebook and he plays farmville too. He is very gentle to his ducks, turtle and all the farm creatures. I can't believe it.

I would have earned the wrath of many of my friends through this post. But that doesn't stop me from saying this to all my facebook friends, "One more farmville request from anyone,I will surely massacre all your animals in the farm and eat them up.I would not stop there... I would chop off all the plants in your farm and burn your crops and would even cut your pink cow's tail.

Conclusion : Stop fooling around in farmville. Start helping the real farmers


NB: If you want to become chronicwriter's Facebook friend, please click this [link]

Friday, December 04, 2009

379. How to market your blog?

One might have great language skills, great writing skills, great content, great thought process to run a blog page. But if the blog is not marketed properly, the world will not know about all these skills.Shakespeare did not become popular because of his English. England made him popular. Hence it is every blogger's birthright to market his/her blog. You might be a popular figure in your friends circle. But are you a popular figure in your college/workplace/town/state/country? You can become an international personality in no time, only if you know how to market your blog. You might say," Chriz! You are not an International personality. So Who gave you the right to write on this topic?". If you think that i am not yet an International personality, please check the following three pictures.. Click the pictures for enlarged (better) view.

1)Obama talks from his heart

He might be the President of America. But he remembers his inspiration in this picture

2) What does people around the world say about Chronicwriter?
Black or white, Yellow or Tanned, Brown or Pink. What ever be the race of the person, they all salute Chronicwriter here.

3) Secret behind Sehwag's dismissal

When Sehwag was dimissed in the 290s, his fans were disappointed; but he knew why he got out.

As I have proved my worth regarding my International fame and success, i am gonna carry on giving some tips for marketing your blog. There are two factors that are necessary to market your blog. 1) Primary Factors 2) Non-primary factors (otherwise called as secondary factors)
Primary factors to market your blog

1) You should have a blog. Click this [link] to read my article on blogging for beginners.
2) You should write something on your blog.
3) Visit other blogs and leave comments
4) Have a template that suits your stream of writing. If you write about world politics, a curved template like the one in this page will not suit you. If you are a joker, wear a joker costume; if you are a professional, wear a tie and a suit; if you are an informal guy, just be casual.
5) Perform steps 2 and 3 again
Non primary (Secondary) factors to market your blog
Now you are all dressed up to go to the party. Everyone will be in their best attire for the party. So you need to catch everyone's attention if you want everyone to notice you. So here are some tips to make your blog popular in the blogsville. The secondary factors is all about how well you Display your blog.
Public Display
  • Print your blog url in your t-shirt and walk around in crowded places. Walking around near IT parks yield better results. (8 % increase in blog readership)

Private Display

  • Stick your blog url in public toilets, dressing room mirrors in shops (28% increase in blog readership)

Mobile Display

  • Send your blog url as sms to random numbers if you have free sms service. ( % increase varies)

e-mail Display

  • Add your blog url to your signature and send a bulk mail to everyone on your e-mail list. ( 17 % increase in blog readership)

Twitter Display

  • Join twitter and keep on tweeting your blog url. (% increase depends on number of followers)

Cricket Display

  • Write your blog url on a placard and go to cricket matches. (2 % increase )

Chronicwriter Display

  • Interview chronicwriter and add the interview in your blog (Ain't i cruel?) ( 56 % increase)

Educational Display

  • Pay a visit to primary schools and visit every classroom. When the teacher is not looking at you, write your blog url on the black board. (13 % increase)

Library Display

  • Go to a library and open as many popular books as you can and write your blog url on the pages. (6 % increase in traffic)

Media Display

  • Call for a press meet and tell that Sachin Tendulkar is not a Marathi. ( Does not matter, even if people start hating you. Your blog traffic will increase multi folds)

Most of these tips might sound silly and wierd. But when you think crazy and act crazy, the world will notice you. Getting noticed is all that is needed to make your blog popular.


Thursday, December 03, 2009

378. sloshed in the beach

My friend, Varun added a few of our college photos in his facebook album. I was going through the photos and it pulled me back to my MBA days. I did my MBA in Rajagiri School Of Management. I had tears going through the snaps. I was not sad; but it was nostalgia at its very best. A few things that we guys loved doing during our college days were
  1. Bunking college and getting sloshed
  2. Painting the Cochin roads at midnight
  3. Getting caught by cops for drunken driving
  4. Movies with friends
  5. Bunking college and going to the beach
This post is about one unforgettable day that happened during my college days. It was unforgettable because all the above mentioned five things happened on a single day. We were seven friends. We called ourselves the "Sexy Seven". We bunked college that morning and we were soon sloshed too (Thanks to Alcoholanandha). The cars zoomed at 100 kmph and landed up in Cherai beach. The moment we landed up in the beach, this is what happened.

We all jumped into water. But every group has an exceptional error and in our group, it was Joseph Pius. He is the king of one liners and a philosophical genius. He did not run along with us because he always thinks that "one has to run his own race - alone". I have already written an article on Joseph Pius. Check it out here [link]

When he tried to be smart, the rest of us did not like it and we picked on poor Joseph and tried to nail him down by performing the Big-Bang theory on him. Check the photo below. Joseph is undeterred. He still poses for the snap. Varun is lying on top of Joseph and he is feeling the actual pain.Abraham Cheeran,Anterson Antony, Navin D'Cruz and Chriz (Chronicwriter) form the rest of the pile.

When we figured out that the Big-Bang theory was not successful, we adopted the "Nut-cracker" technique and it was a success. Check this picture to see us efficiently performing the "nut-cracker" technique.

Success means nothing for a bunch of stoned guys because defeating the opponent (Joseph Pius- in this case) motivates them to go for more. Hence our next mission was to throw Joseph inside the sea. Spraying sand on his eyes blinded him for a moment. In the picture below: Anterson is about to blind Joseph with sand. Varun watches along.

We then pounced on Joseph and dragged him in to the sea. Joseph lost 10 kilograms that day because of the quantum of molestation performed on him.

Now when I look back and remember those days, it gives me goose pimples. We were out of our mind on many occasions. Now I do ask myself , "Did I do that?" I might have got matured with time and I might not be the same guy, I used to be. Things change with time. People change too.

But memories remain for ever...


Wednesday, December 02, 2009

377. The secret behind AIDS

Note : Wearing a condom is absolutely not necessary to read this post.
AIDS is not a disease,It is just an emotion - Sakhi Rawant
AIDS has been the biggest invention in the history of human existence. AIDS was invented on the first of December in this century. Hence 1st December is celebrated around the globe as world AIDS day. How ever in Africa, AIDS day is celebrated everyday. Many countries around the globe are soon catching up with Africa in the race to celebrate AIDS day on a everyday basis.

Superman was the inventor of AIDS. He invented it while he was trying to insert his left leg inside his red underwear. Hence the colour red is always associated with AIDS day. The colour red is also associated with valentines day. Hence in some cultures, Valentines Day (VD) is celebrated along with world AIDS day. AIDS is the acronym for Alcohol Induced Dude-Superman. Legend has its belief that Superman invented AIDS in an African language called "Banda" after he was sloshed with one bottle of beer. The Banda lingo equivalent for the term AIDS is Veneral Disease, which means " Love bite".
The story behind superman inventing AIDS has remained as a mystery for many decades. Chronicwriter embarked on a journey to reveal the mystery. So he decided to wear his trademark red underwear for the journey and as a result he found the mystery.Chronicwriter had a pet dog, "Bubbly" [Bubbly's picture]. Bubbly was a smart dog. Superman had a pet dog too, " Dummy" ( None of you know about it till now). He was a dummy dog indeed. One day Dummy, bit a strip of red cloth from superman's underwear and spat it out. The picture of the red cloth strip is added here. The red cloth strip is still used as a logo for World AIDS day. But why isn't Dummy being used as the mascot for AIDS day? This has remained as an unanswered question all these years. But Chronicwriter found the answer from Superman's diary which says - "Never pee with your eyes closed;especially when a dog is near you".

Thursday, November 26, 2009

375. from the bottom of my heart

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying a second hand furniture -Jackson Brown Junior

In India, the average Joe marries at the age of 26. I am already one year late. Am I a second hand furniture? That was a shocker of a news for me. Half of the bachelors in India would be sad to read this quote. I was sad too. In fact, i cried a little too.

Second hand... Second hand... Second hand.. These words echoed in my mind. My alter-ego added fuel to the fire with his hard hitting words;

" Chriz! What have you achieved all these years?"

" You are fit for nothing"

" Even Rakhi Sawant finds her way into the news. Why can't you create some news?"
" You neither have a girlfriend, nor fame and fortune"
All these insulting words egged me on to create some news. But What can a single, 27 year old bachelor do to create news? ( Don't tell me that Mahendra Singh Dhoni is a single 27 year old bachelor too). I cannot do an item number like Mallika Sherawat. All I can do is stand inside water and show my bare back like this.

How many of you, out there tilted your heads to your left to have a better view of Chronicwriter's back? Curiosity; sure kills the cat! Ain't it? I am not going to try the easy way of becoming famous by verbally attacking Sachin Tendulkar. I am not emotionally impotent like the Tal Backerey's of the Arabian sea. The only weapon that i have with me is my humor page.Without a reader a like you, i would not have come all this way. When I started this blog, one of my inspiration was " Jammy". He was voted as the second most humorous blogger in India by indibloggies in 2006. I had a dream then -" To become one of the most humorous bloggers in India".
Now i have an opportunity to become the best in the business. The indibloggies jury has selected my blog in the final -list for the most humorous blog category. It is indeed a great honour to be pitted along some of the Big-humor-guns of the country. So if i have touched your heart/tickled your funny bone with my humor, you can vote for me. Click this [link] to vote for me. My Blog is in the 5th category " Most humorous indiblog category" . Blog name is "Chronicwriter". When you vote, use your email id to vote. You will get a confirmation mail to your email id. Just confirm it. It is as simple as this.
Winning this coveted award is entirely dependant on your mouse clicks. You can show love and affection for me by voting from different e-mail ids too . I remember when i was a kid, i used to tell my classmates that i had voted in the elections. Making them believe me was so simple. All i had to do was apply a black mark on my middle finger using my black Reynolds pen. Those were the days.
On this day, I would like to thank everyone who has travelled along with me in my blogging journey including the guy who came here looking for "Namitha - sexy thighs in bed" and vowed never to ever come back to this blog again. This journey was tough. My only weapon was humor. Initially, my only effort was to pull in as many comments as possible. If 10 readers comment on my page, I would individually reply to all the 10 comments and hence i would have a total of 20 comments on my page. I had to struggle to get comments on my page in the earlier days.
If i had been a girl or at least pretended to be one, i would have had million hits in the very first year. I was amazed by their ability to pull in almost 100 comments for a " I am crying today" blog post, that includes 7o "Don't worry" comments and other suggestions that include " call me", " I am there for you", " Love you " ,"awww", "Hugs". I never had a clue to rake in comments like that during my early blogging days. But as time went by, i started receiving a good number comments too which included constructive criticism as well as anonymous bashings. Soon I realised that raking in comments does not really matter. What really matters is -How you make the readers feel? and What you provide for your readers?. It took me a long time to understand this simple truth.
My blogger friends helped me a lot to increase my blog traffic. Facebook and twitter also played a great role. I should also thank Google for directing many readers to my blog even for search words like " Jessica Alba Nibbles " , " Paris Hilton red underwear", "Pamela anderson silicon implants". I would like to say sorry to all such guys whose hopes were shattered after realising that this ain't a porn page.I also thank all those lovely souls who constantly send me mails encouraging me for all my posts. I also thank all the wonderful people who have blogrolled me, bookmarked my page and receive my blog posts through emails.
Special mention to Rakesh for forwarding some of my humor posts through e-mails. I got one of my own posts as a forwarded e-mail too. I was so happy. But when I saw that my name was replaced by your name, i was angry for sometime. But my anger was short lived when i got the mail from you mentioning that your girlfriend liked that mail so much and that is the reason for you doing such an act (Hope your girlfriend is not reading this post of mine) . If she is Hot, let her read this post; If not, you can keep her.
So What if i am a second hand furniture? I have my blog and that makes me happy.

Don't forget to vote for -Chronicwriter

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

374. why did archimedes run naked?

The Archimedes Principle - ( The lie that is taught in schools)

Archimedes took to the streets naked, so excited by his discovery that he had forgotten to dress, crying "Eureka!"

Archimedes Principle ( The truth - decoded by Chronicwriter

Archimedes was in love with an Indian aunty and her name was Rekha. While he was taking bath, he saw Rekha along with another guy through the window. Archimedes got angry and jumped out the bathtub and ran into the streets shouting " You Rekha! You Rekha!; You ditched me". You Rekha was wrongly interpreted as Eureka and the rest of the story is wrongly taught in schools.

Why am I writing this now?

When I was in Kindergarten, I proposed Renu ( My first girlfriend) for the first time. She said in a stern voice ,"Chriz! I will fall in love with you if you get first rank in class". I never got first rank in my entire school life and my true ISO certified love was never accepted by Renu. But on the final day of school, she came to me and said, " Chriz! I will accept your love if you become a famous personality in India". But Renu did not keep her word. She got married to a tall, dark and handsome guy ( I am short,fair and not so handsome) and is now the mother of two kids.

One year ago, when my blog made some news in the international scene, I called Renu over the phone and this is how our conversation went

Ring Ring.. Ring Ring

Renu : Hello!
Me: Hello Renu ( In my best husky voice)
She immediately understood that it was me
Renu : Hey Chriz! Long time. How are you?
Me: Yes. I am fine. How are you?
Renu : I am fine. My two kids are keeping me busy
Me: Thats sweet. I always think about our school days.
Renu: Yes. We had a great school life
Me: Do you still think of me?
Renu : I am now married and i have two kids
Me: But you promised me that you will reciprocate my love if i become famous in India
Renu: Yes. I did. But you never did anything worthwhile
Me: But you know my blog is the second most humorous blog in the world.
Renu: Don't Lie.
Me: I am serious.
Renu: Was the rating done by INDIBLOGGIES ?
Me: No. It was not a rating by indibloggies
Renu : Then. Please do not even mention about it to me.
Me: But Renu...
Me: OK. Renu. If I am selected as the best blogger by indibloggies, I will surely call you.

BANG. The line went dead

Two days back, I was applying lux soap on my arm pit when my friend called me on the phone and said, " Chrony! You are pitted against the Biggest humorists in the country. Check the indibloggies final list". I immediately checked the indibloggies list to see my blog selected in the final 12 of the best humor blogs in the country.Now the voting phase has started. All you have to do is click this "Vote for me picture" and then vote for me.

Vote for Chronicwriter.My blog is in the "Most humorous indiblog category". It is the 5th category. If i win this award, I promise to
  • Construct roads in all the rural places of India
  • Ban professors from entering colleges ( This line is used to garner student votes)
  • Make threat-calls to all the bad bosses in IT firms ( More votes from IT employees)
  • find girl friends for all desperate bachelors
  • find handsome hunks with six packs for all the love thirsty-girls.
This voting is open for even children below 18 years of age. My nephew (5) and my niece (2) are also voting for me.

Winning this award will also enable Renu to fall in love with me. If that happens, Renu's husband will run into the streets shouting, " You Renu! You Renu! You ditched me". That will make him famous like Archimedes.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

373. Saree -"The pride of India"

Sari or saree is a female garment in the Indian Subcontinent. A sari is a strip of unstitched cloth, ranging from four to nine metres in length that is draped over the body in various styles. The most common style is for the sari to be wrapped around the waist, with one end then draped over the shoulder baring the midriff.

Sari usually exists along with a skirt and a Blouse. The sari is usually worn over a skirt(pavada/pavadai in Tamil), with a blouse (choli or ravika) forming the upper garment. The choli has short sleeves and a low neck and is usually cropped, and as such is particularly well-suited for wear in the sultry South Asian summers.

Dr.Abdul Kalaam had a dream that India would be a super power by the year 2020.India is now the second most populous country in the world and is catching up with China at a very fast rate. This gives a clear indication that India would be a super power much before 2020. Many would state various reasons behind this alarming growth in population.But I would say that "Saree" is the only reason behind India's huge population. Saree defeats all other reasons by a huge margin.
I always loved to see women in sarees. My first girlfriend "Renu" never knew that i was actually two timing her with my class teacher. (Renu was my classmate in kindergarten). My class kindergarten class teacher used to drape herself in saree. I was not innocent then. My innocence grew with age.

There are many ways to drape a saree. I am stating a few styles of saree draping that comes to my mind.

Note : If your mind is filled with LUST and if you are a SEXUAL PERVERT, you will see only try to see the flesh in this post. But if you are matured, then you will know that the following are different ways in which people drape a saree.

Tribal wrap

This style is the earliest style of draping a saree. It is a combination of miniskirt and a hand-towel. This shows that the original saree never had a blouse or a petticoat. The tribal wrap is also the forerunner of Sleeveless blouses. The ancient men were indeed really lucky. But as time went by Tribal wrap lost its sting and soon many other ways of draping a saree became very popular. How ever a few woman are still striving hard to preserve the traditional Tribal wrap technique. Mandira Bedi is one such noble woman who popularised the sleeveless blouse accompaniment to the saree.

Silicon Valley
I am not talking about the IT park, nor am I getting technical here. I am talking cleavages here. This style of wearing a saree involves high precision. The saree is worn in such a way that the cleavage is revealed. This is also called as the hide and seek technique of draping a saree.
This style is very popular in the cosmopolitan cities in India. Men like this style very much. 14 % of road accidents are a result of the silicon valley technique. Rakhi Sawant is the best example for the silicon valley style. Only experts can use this style effectively. Amateurs are requested not to try this even at home because trying it at home might even result in the death of your pet cat.
Belly Button

I have no idea why such a fuss is created about the belly button. Careful analysis of the belly button reveals that it is nothing but a small pit in the belly. At the same time, it is the belly button that is going through a major revolution these days. I had a friend who pierced her belly button. Another friend decorates her belly button with mehendi. I am so happy that we just have one belly button each. If only the belly button had eyes, it would cried an ocean by now.
Revealing the belly button while draping a saree gives a kick to many men. Researches reveal that this effect is even high compared to drinking 8 shots of tequila. Some woman reveal their belly button without their knowledge but many woman reveal it knowingly. As long as they keep on giving men such kicks,it does not matter whether they do it on purpose or not.
Side show

This style is also called the "Teaser". No one knows the reason behind a dog chasing a car. But the "Teaser" way of draping a saree is definitely a major reason behind the drool effect that it has on many men.
The saree is worn in such a way that it covers the entire body when seen from the front and the back. But when seen from the sides, it gives statistical information of the one adopting this style. Almost 90 %of saree drapers fall under this category.
This style of draping a saree is a major reason behind the population explosion. In this picture Shriya is demonstrating a very bad example of the side show technique. She is revealing more than what is required for this style.


If men are given an opportunity to rule the world, the first thing that they would eradicate from this world is the "Mummy" style of draping a saree. The sole purpose of this technique is to cover each and every single portion of the body. Only the face and the hands are revealed for public display.
Reliable sources say that a group of men are actually searching for the inventor of this style to kill him. This technique makes the woman to sweat a lot. Hence Chronicwriter also strongly voices his opinion against this style. How ever this style is commonly used for brides in weddings.

It takes courage to use this technique. This technique is a user-friendly technique for many men. This style is used by woman when they are in a hurry. It is also called as the "Where is my saree?" style of wearing a saree (not wearing a saree).
Mallika Sherawat is an expert in this style. Importance is given to the blouse and the skirt (mundu). How ever due to lack of funds, the saree is forgotten.The Amnesia style is very popular in Kerala. No wonder they call Kerala as God's own country.
Trivia: Chronicwriter lived in Kerala for 4 years.

Unrealistic Hope

Have you built sand castles in the beach? If so how would you feel when someone crash lands in the sand castles that you had built? Let me give a more appropriate example.
If you are working in a firm , if your boss appreciates you and pats your back for every task that you complete, you would of course be happy. Your hopes would go high. But at the time of your appraisal if he gives you a bad rating, how would you feel? I am not making any sense through this example too. Let me make it very simple.
When you eat a chocolate in front of a little child without giving it to the child, how would the child feel? This particular style falls under such a category. It gives false hopes to everyone. It might appear to fall down anytime. But it does not. It hangs on and stays-on for ever. So close, yet very far.
There are many many more styles involved in draping a saree. Many among you will fall under some of these categories.. It is an ocean and I have covered only a drop in that big wide ocean. I request the readers to take a plunge into this ocean too. But jump in only if you can swim or else just enjoy sunbathing near the shore.


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

371. Confession time

Warning : Reading this post is like wetting your white pants. You get a warm feeling and people will notice it too

(Chronicwriter's water skiing days)

I have not made this known to anyone yet. For the first time in my life, i am confessing a few bad things i committed in my life. It doesn't matter if the reader forms a bad impression about the author of this page after reading this post (As if Chronicwriter has a good impression amongst people)

Death of Pinku and Tinku

In the summer of 1989, my neighbour's two cats "Pinku and Tinku" were found dead inside their Well. The reason for their suicide was not known. No one suspected Chronicwriter's hand behind their death. Jimmy Carr's quote, " Cats have nine lives, which makes them ideal for experimentation." acts as a guilt nullifier for me now.

Rajan Uncle's Glass window

There was this grumpy old man,"Rajan" in our locality. He was very rude to all the children in our locality. When I was a young boy, i used to play street cricket with my friends. Many a times the ball would be hit inside the backyard of Rajan Uncle's house. He was very strict and he would never give the ball back to us. There were times when we would sneak inside his house to reclaim the mishit ball. But at such times if he catches any one of us, he would smack us to glory. Eventually we stopped playing cricket near his house. But his glass window was constantly pelted by some unknown creepy Boy. No one suspected the Chronicwriter then.

Death of Bruno

Bruno, was my neighbour's pet dog. He once tried to commit suicide by biting his own private parts. He was this nagging, irritating dog. He never allowed me to enter my neighbour's house. So the day Bruno ate too much of rat poison and died, no one doubted Chronicwriter's hand behind the whole incident.

The rat poison that was in the store room of my house went missing.That does not mean that Chronicwriter poisoned Bruno. Who asked Bruno to eat Rat poison? Rat poison is meant for Rats and not for dogs.

Cry Babies

Why do young babies cry when Chronicwriter is around? Does he pinch them?

-Chronicwriter ( I might look like one. But I am not a sadist)

Friday, November 06, 2009

370. Introducing the Hero

These days late i am so much immersed in Korean movies. The Korean movies mainly revolve around relationships. I do not know the language but thanks to sub-titles i am now able to watch a lot of foreign language movies.Italian movies are known for their cinematographic brilliance. The sepia color vision which was popularised by Italian movie makers has marched its way into Indian Cinema's too. Iranian movies are known for their natural screenplay. Latin movies are musically inclined. Croatian movies talk about love and war. Let me cut my "Know-it -all" crap here and let me come to the point.

The reason for this post is to educate the world wide audience about the strategy used by Kollywood (Tamil) movie makers in introducing the Hero in the movie. This is popularly called as the "Hero introduction scene". This is the scene where the faithful fans go berserk in the movie halls.

When the hero shows up for the first time, the movie halls in Tamilnadu ( India also) will experience a natural phenomenon called the "Koothu effect". This effect is a combination of thunderous whistles ( which are created by putting fingers inside the mouth and spraying saliva on those sitting in front seats), squirrel screams ( which is similar to the sound that the heroine makes when the villain attempts to molest her) and vigorous clapping ( which are way better than the claps that the Americans gave to the "Yes we can" speech of Obama).The koothu effect is garnished with cracker effect (bursting crackers outside the cinema hall) and paper effect ( Throwing shredded paper in the air which gives the snow flake effect to the cinema hall). This "Koothu effect" has its origins in India and one has to experience it to understand the real meaning of the effect.
In Physics, "The Koothu effect" is measured in Hertz.

1)For movie stars like Rajini, the koothu effect touches 20000 Hertz. All the Rajini-haters are requested not to decode the logic in his movies because by now you should have realised that Rajini's movies are not based on logic but only Magic.
2) For movie stars like T.R.Rajendhar, the koothu effect reaches 20000 hertz too. But it does not happen when he makes his entry. It happens when he dies in the end of the movie.Me and my friends once went to watch a T.R.Rajendhar movie (Veerasaamy) and we gave a standing ovation when he finally died in the movie. Such is the effect that he creates in the mind of the viewer.To read the Tribute article I wrote for Terror Romeo Rajendhar click here [link]
3) Heroines do not get the same koothu effect when they make their introduction on screen. How ever in recent times two names are said to be receiving the koothu effect that even crosses the 20000 Hz mark. The names of the heroines are Shriya and Namitha. Shriya has a size Zero figure and Namitha is blessed with more flesh than the blue whale itself. Irrespective of their Body Mass Index (BMI) these two heroines follow the simple KISS rule ( Keep it short and simple). The KISS rule is applicable to the costumes they wear ( do not wear).

Though i can go on writing on this topic, I would just concentrate on writing what i intended to write for this Blog post. I would brief about my favorite two Hero Introductions in Tamil cinema.

1. The Man who gave a shock to the Transformer

He is the same guy who was tied to a Transformer by the Bad boys in the movie Narasimha. Unfortunately the transformer ended up getting the shock and the director of the movie died even before the movie was released and to top it all the movie bombed big time. Yes. I am talking about Mr. Vijayakanth. He is fondly called as Captain

His introduction scene in the movie Dharmapuri is the first of its kind. The mini- villain gets hold of a girl (The reason for the villain holding the girl is unknown). This is where a tough looking police man enters the scene to save the girl ( It is not our captain yet). The villain shoots the policeman but unfortunately the villain is not as lucky as Abhinav Bindra and hence instead of shooting the head of the police man, the policeman's cap ends up as the target for the bullet. The Police cap starts to fly and the camera zooms in to get a close up of the police cap. This is the exact moment a hairy dark hand that resembles the private part of a donkey appears on the screen and catches the cap. This hand happens to be the hand of our captain. (The audience will give the koothu effect now). Captain will give a priceless expression showing his sexy belly and his yellow teeth.

The villain use this opportunity and shoots at our captain. The whole movie hall watches in anticipation. The bullet travels in slow motion from the right end of the screen to the left end of the screen. Just when the viewers expect our captain to do a la-matrix-keanu reeves move to dodge the bullet, he stays still. (The viewers in the movie hall now move to the edge of their respective seats with thoughts running in their minds " will Captain die in the very first scene?"). The bullet hits the target. But instead of going inside captain's chest, the bullet just uses captain's body as a bouncing mat and bounces back and hits the villain and the villain dies on the spot (The viewers give the koothu effect now). If you do not believe this, do watch this 14 second video clip [link]

2. Terror Introduction

Terror Romeo Rajendhar's introduction should and would invariably feature in the Top three introduction scenes of the millenium in world cinema. All his introduction scenes are worth mentioning. His introduction scene in the movie "Veerasaamy" is even better than Sylvester Stallone's introduction scenes in the Rambo series. Pregnant woman are requested not to watch his introduction scenes. Statistic reveal that 342 pet dogs died when this movie was screened in Sun TV. Veerasaamy is India's answer to Jurassic Park. Stephen Spielberg would not have used any graphical assistance to create dinosaurs for his movie if he had seen veerasaamy before directing Jurassic Park.

Sans much crap talk, let me get into the core topic. Yes! The Hero Introduction scene of the movie Veerasaamy. The heroine of the movie is a social worker and she has a very noble heart. To support the families of all those who lost their lives in the Titanic ship, she starts a brothel business. The business even gets listed in the Forbes 500 list. The Villain happens to be a close associate of Steve Jobs (Apple computers).In order to curb the growing business of the heroine, the villain tries to molest the heroine. In Tamil movies, holding the heroine's hand is equivalent to molesting the heroine. As soon as the villain touches the heroine's hand, a urulakattai (firewood) flies from no where and hits the villain.

The villain looks around and finds out that the urulakattai has been thrown from an old shed. The villain's companions are sucked inside the old shed. (This is almost similar to the dinosaur introduction scene from Jurassic Park). All those who were sucked inside the shed are then thrown out through out through the roof of the shed. Some are even thrown out through the window. Just when everyone starts to scratch their heads thinking what might have sucked them in and then thrown them out, the Hero "Terror Romeo Rajendhar" makes his introduction through the broken main door of the shed. (The Viewers do not give the Koothu effect now. Remember that the Koothu effect for T.R. Rajendhar movies are given only when he dies at the end of the movie). To watch the Terror entry of Rajendhar watch this clip [link]

3. My latest picture

If you are still alive after reading/watching the first two clips, keep reading because you might be in for a surprise. Recently I was telling my friends that off late i am looking very similar to Brad Pitt. They never believed me. Even my Russian girl friend calls me Braddy Boy these days. By the by, Did i tell you that i have a girlfriend now ? I guess not. She is Russian. A blonde and she cracks wonderful jokes. She plays tennis. She is tall (6.2 feet). I am 5.5. Her name is Maria Sharapova.
She came to me this morning while I was still in bed and she pecked my neck and said,"Braddy, I love you". She smelt really good. She might have taken bath using the Dove soap that i presented her last night. She then said,"Braddy boy, I am gonna take a picture of you and I will keep it in my purse". I said "OK". Immediately she took a picture of me and uploaded it in her laptop and she is using my picture as her desktop background. I am adding the same picture here to prove to my friends that, I do look very much like Brad Pitt these days.

Do you believe me at least now?

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

369. Talk openly about sex

Trivia: If not for Sex, we would not be on earth in the first place. I would not be typing this post and you would not be reading it either.

Talking openly about sex is a taboo in culturally rich countries like India and also in Countries which are governed by religious laws. How ever the rape, child molestation rates are high in these countries too. This clearly indicates that there is a complete imbalance in the law-setting (vs) law-abiding percentage in these countries.

Peter Sickle says," Talk openly on the topic of Sex, because everyone are good orators in this topic even if they do not have practical experience" . Please do not ask who this Peter Sickle is. He was sitting next to me in a train journey and this was one of his statements from the conversation i had with him. This quote made me to think and I realised that we are all Hypocrites when it comes to Sex.

The hypocrisy is passed on by Parents to their children even when they are very small kids. 99 % of the parents find it really hard to talk confidently with their children about sex. Pseudo names are given to private parts and are taught to the children. Some of the names that are commonly taught are tutu, chuchu, puppy shame, winky, peepee, poopoo. This makes the child to believe that there is something dirty and weird about private parts. You wouldn't make up another name for a nose or ear. So why use a nickname for private parts?

Parents should openly talk about private parts with their children. Every child should know the actual name of their body parts. A penis is always a penis and a vagina should always be a vagina. Avoid using comical names like Turtle, Cuckoo.

Recently in Mexico a three year old baby girl was molested by her family car driver and the parents could not win the lawsuit against the culprit because the little girl used terms like " Pie and Dudu". The father of the child was furiated that he attempted to kill the driver. Now the father is in prison and the actual culprit is free.
Psychologists always stress that it is the natural way to communicate with kids about their bodies which makes them confident in real life. It will boost the personality of little children also. I recently talked on this subject with my friend and his wife. They have two children aged 7 and 4 respectively. This is what my friend's wife had to say

I never had taught them the proper names because they had made up their own name for their vagina (their body). Don't know where they got it from but we never corrected them until now. I will have to say that I told my girls to not talk about their private parts with friends because each parent talks to their kids about it in their own way.

Parents should also teach their kids that private parts are not supposed to be part of public conversations and the kids would learn where to use the terminologies and where not to use them in a conversation. I am not trying to be corny. I am just voicing my view on a topic that is very serious. If you can relate to this post, you would understand the thin line between vulgarity and being Broad minded. If you can't fathom the idea behind this post, there is every possibility of drawing your own conclusions.

Yes we need a change in the way we bring up our children. We should stop being a hypocrite. Interviews with sex-offenders give a clear indication that they were not taught the right words for private parts when they were young and when they grew up, their curiosity on the topic on sex took dangerous turns.

Oh my goodness! Did i just type this post? I was going through this post and i was reminded by Mr.X( my alter-ego) that i am still single. It has been 24 years of falling in love and i have never been reciprocated for any of my attempts at falling in love. When I thought about this, i was filled with sadness and i could hear a feeble voice in my head saying," Mera Number kab aayega?". I was controlling my tears and i almost succeeded in controlling my tears until i read the news article about the 112 year old man who married a 17 year old teenage girl [link]

Some guys are lucky indeed. But still at 112? I am still crying.


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

368. Sit-down comedy act

I started talking only when I turned three years old. My parents were very much worried because of that. But finally when I started talking, they realised that they have a bratty chatterbox at home. They started telling me to keep quiet. I never kept quiet anyways.As time went by, my non-stop talking instincts grew with my age. I have been asked to shut my mouth by many people I have met in my life. But I still kept on talking.

Now I have been given an opportunity to talk non-stop for an hour. Yes! Yours truly will be entertaining a live audience in a stand-up comedy act. I'll be performing this act sitting-down on a stool. So I'd rather call myself a Sit-down comedian. The topic I have chosen to talk is "SEX".

(Click the picture to view the Invitation)

I have five free tickets to give to the first five blog-mates who e-mail me for the tickets. I am taking my guitar & Harmonica (mouth organ) along with me. I might be singing a couple of songs too. My Red underwear is accompanying me too. I hope that i would not come back with a collection of brickbats, tomatoes and rotten eggs.


Thursday, October 22, 2009

367.Bicycle memories

I was recently going through the photo gallery of Tiziano Taddei (a famous photographer) and I stalled on this particular photo. This bicycle picture spoke a million words and it pulled me back down memory lane and all those childhood memories flashed across my mind.
  • The first cycle in my life was actually a tricycle. It is still very much alive
  • The second cycle was a big bicycle. It was my grandfather's bicycle. Now it looks like the bicycle in the picture.
  • The first bicycle that i ever rode was a ladies BSA-SLR. It was my sister's cycle. I was ten years old then. The first monkey-pedal is very fresh in my memory. I learnt to ride a bicycle in two days.I used to ride that cycle past Renu's (My first girlfriend) house.
  • When I was thirteen, I got my first double shock-absorber bicycle. I used it till class twelve
The last time I cycled was in the year 1999. Now it has been ten years. Time sure runs fast. I would like to talk about few techniques on mounting on top of a bicycle.
Mounting Technique

Mounting on top of a bicycle and parking your rear-end on the seat becomes a tough job if you are short like Chronicwriter. Chronicwriter stands a total of 165 cms. (Actually he is just 164.7 cms. But he has rounded it to 165cms). Mounting is very essential to ride a bicycle. There are two basic ways of mounting on top of a bicycle.
a) The Karate Kick technique

This is the easiest technique to get on top of a bicycle. The cyclist should use his hands to hold the handle-bar and he should stand on the left side of the cycle.The left leg should be placed on the pedal and using the right leg, the cyclist should generate velocity and when the cycle moves forward, the cyclist should perform the "Karate-Kick" move which would enable him to clear the bar and position his right feet on the right pedal of the cycle.
Care should be taken during the Karate-Kick move. If not properly performed, serious damage could happen on the groin-zone of the cyclist. The author of this blog has been a victim on a couple of occasions. Are you a victim too?

b) Male Dog-Peeing Technique

This is the professional way of climbing on top of a cycle to ride it. Instead of the "Karate Kick" move,the cyclist should lift his leg like a peeing-male-dog. J.K.Starley, the inventor of modern day bicycle was the first to use this way of mounting a bicycle. He got this idea from his pet dog.
Now I have a question for the readers...
Why do male dogs lift their legs while peeing?


Friday, October 16, 2009

366. Tips for love making

Note: If you have come here with the intention of reading some kinky stuff, i am really sorry. This post is not going to feed your Horny - Corny - Hormonal Thirst. This is a post that will be written by my alter-ego. I have no clue what he is gonna come up with.

mr.X is my alter-ego. I did not give him an opportunity to participate in my blog for a very long time. Today he nagged me big time and asked me to allow him to post an article on my page. At first , i was reluctant. But when he said that he will write a post on Love, i knew that he would do a good job because he is a road side romeo.
He has molested three girls in his life and he is an expert in the art of flirting. So I do not find anyone better than him to write an article on Love. In this post mr.X will give great ideas in the art of proposing a girl. Guys can take a leaf out of this post and can use it for their own good. Girls can read this post and feel like a princess.

mr.X has been a love guru and he has helped many of my friends to get hitched. Eager and desperate guys always have a lot of questions in their minds when they approach a girl. My alter-ego has read all such eager minds and is all set to give a crap-lecture. Check his love Gyaan.

What is meant by a love proposal?
What is your IQ level? But still as you have asked this question, let me help you. A love proposal is an act in which a living creature asks permission from another living creature for a possibility of leading a life together. Both the living creatures can be of the same gender. But in general, both the living creatures are of different genders.
The creature which performs the act of proposing is called the proposer and the other creature automatically becomes the proposee. The proposer normally belongs to the Male gender and the proposee usually belongs to the female gender. But over the years we have seen many exceptional errors too.

Can I propose myself?

You are suffering from malignant Narcissism. You can propose yourself. But make it sure to accept or reject your own proposal. This question reminds me of a friend of mine- "Robert". When he is sloshed, he would often get excited seeing his own thigh and does crazy things which even involves attempts of kissing his own thigh. Hope you are not a creature like that.

How should I propose a girl?

There are many ways to propose a girl. You can propose her face-to-face. You can even text message her. You can call her up over the phone and propose her. You can write a poetry to her. You can also send a hand written love letter for her. There are many ways to propose a girl.

  • Always remember to use the three magic words "I Love you".
  • You can also use the five magic words "Can I make you mine?"
But do not mix these two sentences when you propose her. You might end up saying, "Can I make love to you?". You might think that you are highly creative. But sentences like this would land you up in trouble. But a recent survey shows that even the "Can I make love to you?" phrase has yielded positive results.
Can I give her some flowers?

Flowers and love always go hand-in-hand. A red rose has always had a great effect in the proposing process. I do not know why it has such an effect. I have tasted the petals of a red rose. It tasted good. That might be the reason. Let me not deviate away from the subject. Coming back to flowers, do not present her with cauliflower or shoe flower.
Always stick on to roses or ask suggestions from any personnel from a flower boutique. You might get great ideas from such a person. A bunch of roses also is said to give a romantic effect while proposing. But do not take the rose plant, planted in the pot. Also clip the thorns from the stem.
While proposing her,can I touch her nose ?

Yes you can. if her nose is so inviting, you can touch her nose. But she might not like it and she might even physically harm you. If you are ready to face the repercussions, then go ahead and touch her nose. But do not poke your fingers inside her nose. That is gross and if she has rhinorrhea you are in great trouble.
What should I do to make her say Yes?

If I had known the answer for this question, my alter-ego "Chrony" would have married Renu and he would have had at least three kids by now. But let me make an attempt to answer this question in a brilliant manner. Do not ever do any thing that would make her to say No. Proposing a girl is almost equivalent to committing suicide.Some people succeed in the first attempt. Some people succeed the second time. Whether you succeed or not, death is a surety.

Should I write her name in the walls of the toilet in my college?

You can do that if you have a good handwriting. Remember to include your name along with her name. But if someone else adds an indecent line along with it at a later point of time, you should be able to accept that too. If you can't digest that, do not write her name in the toilet walls.
Another Guy is constantly texting her.What should I do?
You should eliminate all your competitors before you make your move. So you should eliminate the guy and keep him out of contention before you propose her. I would suggest an idea which you could use to eliminate him from the competition. It involves a few simple steps
  • Find that guy's mobile number.
  • Write that phone number on all toilet walls ( Public toilets, college toilets, cinema halls and train toilets)
  • Next to the phone number add a girl-name (Ananya, Ashika, Lavina, Meena, Tina, Minu)
  • Any girl name would do. Guys would keep him busy with their non-stop calls. Even if he changes his phone number, find his new number immediately and continue the process. Keep him busy always.

Her father is a Police officer. Please Help

Please forget her. You have never contacted me. I have not talked with you. The culprit is Chronicwriter (Not me, cos i am his alter-ego).

What if the girl slaps me?

Slap her back. But if she is with her friends, they might over power you. If she is in a crowded place, people might support her (cos she is a girl). Slap her only if she is alone. But if she is powerful than you and if you do not have the courage to slap her, look around and see if anyone has noticed your hour of disgrace. Then run away from her.

What is a pick-up-line?

A pick-up-line is an American jack fruit that you can easily pick up. Pick-up-line has another meaning too. It is defined as "A phrase that is used by a creature to woo another creature". Some cheesy pick-up-lines are

  • If i were you, i would have kissed me now.
  • You look a lot like my next girlfriend
  • You see my friend over there? He wants to know if you think i am cute.

There are a few pick up lines that would not work at all

  • Are you for free or would you cost me a lot?
  • Can i buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
  • I am gay. Straighten me out.

But I might be wrong because for some lucky souls the last these pick up lines have worked too

I am a girl and i love this girl. What should I do?

Hey missy. Glad to know that you are interested in girls. Me too! I might not be of great help to you. Hence I would like to refer you to Ellen Degeneres. She might be able to help you on this.

I am 20 years old and I love Aishwarya Rai. How should I let her know?

You are not living in the 90's brother. This is almost 2010. You have arrived very late. But if you still insist on letting her know, do talk to Abhishek Bachan on this. You can even leave a comment on his dad's blog. You can even talk to Aishwarya when Abhishek is not around. (I do it all the time). But let me tell you. I have watched two of her interviews.

  • The one she had with David Letterman (She was HOT and brainy)
  • The one she recently had with Oprah ( She proved that as you get older you are no more interesting)

What is the best place to propose a girl?

Historical evidences prove that the beach is the best place to propose a girl. Take her out in a car, park the car near the beach and as the sun sets, pop the question. If she accepts your proposal, you can take her for a walk along the sea shore. If she doesn't accept your proposal, ask her to get out of your car and drive back with hopes of finding another girl.

What dress should i wear when i propose a girl?

Any dress that you are comfortable with. Do not wear something too bright. But wear something. Wearing a feather-cap brings good results. A red underwear is sure to make many girls running behind you.

NB: I am wearing a red underwear now.

Can i propose a girl when i meet her for the first time?

If she is cute, you can. If she is not cute, don't hurry. Keep her as one of the options. Try all other options and when no other options work out, you can propose the not-so-cute one.

Should i kiss her before proposing her or after proposing her?

Kissing her before proposing her is always the best option. When you propose a girl, she might say a "Yes" or a "No". If she says a "No", you might feel bad for not kissing her and she wouldn't allow you to kiss her also. So you do not have anything to lose by kissing her before popping the question. If she loves you, she would blush. If not she might slap you. If she slaps you, you already know what you are supposed to do.
What if she proposes me, before I could propose her?

Bingo. You are a lucky guy. Accept her proposal, but still hunt for other options. The grass is always greener on the other side. If you fail to find good pastures for grazing, you can settle down with the girl that proposed you.
Can i propose her through text messaging?

You can. But in such a case, buy a free sms phone card. This would help you to send the same text message to many girls. They say "More the merrier".

If she accepts my proposal,what movie should I take her to?

That depends on your intentions, If you are a movie buff, take her to a good movie. It is a great feeling to watch a movie holding her hands; when she rests her head on your shoulders it would feel like heaven. But if you are a horny boy, do not take her to a movie. There are other places that you can take her. Even school kids take their girlfriends to movie halls for biological explorations. I am sure that you are not immature like a school kid.

Suggest a cheap and best gift that i can give her!

Girls can easily find out whether a gift is costly or not just by looking at the gift. It is very tough to cheat them in the "Gifts" zone. A kiss is the cheapest gift that you can give her. But when presented properly, it becomes the most expensive gift too.

She is Hot, Sexy, Size-Zero, has strawberry lips and is a Jessica Alba look-alike. What should i do?

Give her phone number to me. Forget about her. She is mine.


Thursday, October 15, 2009

365. Blogging for Beginners

Some people live in this world without knowing the reason for their own existence. Almost all of us live in this world like that. A few try to attain self actualisation and understand the meaning behind their existence. Once they understand it, they realise that there is no fun living this life. So it is better to live a life without understanding the whole reason behind our existence. Am I making any sense here? I know that i am not. But who cares? As though, the other posts in my blog make a lot of sense!!!

Ok! Let me get to the point.

  • There are a lot of people who exist in this world without realising what life is.
  • There are a lot of people who talk a lot without even realising what they talk. Some become famous too, because of their non-sense talk (Sakhi Rawant, Darkha Butt, Aproh Winfray are few examples). I purposefully used pseudo names because i came to know that these three women are the most powerful women in the world and they sue anyone who talks against them.
  • There are a lot of people who think that they can act and in fact make it big on the big screen too (Vijay,Vijayakanth, TR Rajendher,Aishwarya Rai)
  • There are few cricketers who make it big in the international scene out of sheer luck (Sreesanth, Deepdhas Gupta and many more)
  • There are many who do not know anything about blogging, but still end up blogging and call themselves as mainstream-bloggers. (Chronicwriter is one nutcase like that)

This blog post if for those who have no idea about blogging. If you are a first time visitor to this page and if you have come here thinking that your brain will be enriched with great insights, i feel sorry for you; but If you are going to take this whole thing as a joke, then you are in safe waters. These are some questions that i selected from a few friends who were eager to start a blog. These are my answers. I assure you that this post will be useful for those who do not know anything about blogging.

What is a Blog

Any thought process, which when written in some surface becomes a blog. This activity is called as blogging. The person who performs blogging is called a blogger. Everyone in this world are bloggers.

We all start blogging at a very early stage, minutes after arriving on this earth by depicting our output in crap format in our nappy. As time goes by, we end up scribbling on the walls and later on paper and notebooks and finally when we grow up we start typing our thought output in online journals and all these are called as blogs. Anyways only "online journals" are commonly referred to as Blogs.The world in which the bloggers live in is called as blogosphere/blogsville. This looks like a hep term. But it is not

Why should I blog?

You might have lot of ideas running in your head, but no one would be interested to lend an ear to your ideas. So the best way of pouring all your ideas and making it known to the entire world is to type them all in a blog.

What is the qualification requirement to become a blogger?

A blogger can be anyone who knows how to type. It can be the CEO of Google. It can also be a kindergarten kid. You need not worry about your linguistic skills too. As long as you can type something and click the "Publish Post" button, you needn't worry about the requirement criteria.

Will Dan Brown feel insecure if i start a Blog?

Why do you care? He is not going to feed you. So why do you even bother? Normally professional writers look down on bloggers because bloggers are prone to an informal style of writing, punctuation mistakes, spelling errors and grammatical flaws. But as long as you can attract a broad audience and entertain them with your writing skills, you need not worry about Dan Brown and co...

What should I Blog on?

Blog on a subject that you are very good at. If you are a humorous guy, start a humor blog. If you are good in photography, start a photo-blog. If you are good in poetry, start a poetry-blog. Even if you are not good at anything, just start a blog and type your thoughts. It might even click. 95 % of the blogs around the globe belong to the last category.

What should I do to become a successful blogger?

The most important aspect of becoming a successful blogger is to make your presence felt. You can make your presence felt with your style of writing. If you do not have a good style of writing, you can use the content to make an impression. You need not type long posts to become popular. Even one-line posts can become popular with the audience.

Do post often. This is the second most important aspect to become a successful blogger. A user friendly template and an easy navigation page would also enable the reader to spend more time on your blog.

What should I avoid in blogging?

Be yourself. Never try to over-do things. Even if you do not have a good vocabulary, do not fret. Use your limited language skills and make maximum use of it. Remember that a blog is a conversation. Try to write the way you speak. Avoid jargon and GRE English and don't overuse the thesaurus. Do what you can do. Never attempt something that you are not comfortable with.

Can I use my Blog as my personal diary?

You can use it and write all your personal information on your blog. You can also rant on your page and write about your ex-girl/ex-guy and bitch about them. But make it sure that you moderate the comment section of your blog so as to avoid crazy creatures like chronicwriter commenting on them. If you do not want the world to see, privatize your blog. You won't have any readers then. But i tell you, there is no joy like reading a personal blog.

Can I make friends through blogging?

Yes. You can make friends through blogging. Visit some blogs and start commenting on those blogs. Invariably they would visit your page too. Only psychic idiots do not pay regular visits. The author of this blog is a classic example of being a nerd for not visiting those who visit his pages.

Can I meet my blog-mates in person?

Yes. You can meet your blog mates too. You can organise blogger meets and meet them and talk about intricacies of blogging.

Can I have a sexy time with my blog mates?

There are other social networking sites through which you can do that. But please avoid using blogs for such a purpose. But researches reveal that 13 % of Indian bloggers do have a sexy time when they meet.

How much money should I invest to start a blog?

You need not have a single penny to start a blog. I remember that I was just wearing my red underwear when I started my blog.

When do I know that i am ready to start a blog?

Before you start a blog, spend some time visiting other blogs that are like the one you're thinking of starting. Pay attention to things like the length of posts, frequency, writing style, and subject material. You would get great ideas from these blog. The author of this blog spent 4 years of reading other blogs before he took the plunge and started to blog in 2007. You need not wait for 4 years to start writing; but if you are lazy like me, you can wait.

What is the basic mantra of blogging?

The basic mantra of blogging is to keep your brain active and bubbling with thoughts. Always keep thinking of interesting stuffs. Keep talking to people and improve your conversational skills. This helps a lot. If you are brain dead, you are not going to go a long way in blogging.

As you go about your day, keep the blog in the back of your mind. You may even want to carry a notebook where you can jot down reminders for topics you want to blog about later. Write almost every activity in that notebook - brushing your teeth in front of the mirror, sitting in the loo,walking in the road. These simple activities might end up as great blog posts. If you find yourself dreading to write a blog post, a blog is not for you.

What should I comment on other's blogs?

When you visit a blog, you often find a comment link under the text of each blog posting. Clicking that link enables you to read comments from other people and submit your own. In order to comment on others' blogs, you should first read their blogs. If you do not have the patience to read the whole post, you can read the heading, first line of post, last line of post and then comment.

If you are even more lazier, just type "Nice", "Good post", "Inspirational" ,"I am touched". 80% of the bloggers fall under this category. Most bloggers use the comment section to improve their writing skills. So if you comment "nice","good post" for their worst posts, they might never improve. If they have other sensible bloggers commenting on their posts, it is good for them; or else let alone God save them.

My only experience in writing is scribbling on the toilet walls in my school and drawing obscene caricatures in train toilets. Can I become a successful blogger?

Yes. You can become the most successful blogger in the blogosphere, if you adopt the same skill in blogging too. Start writing controversial posts and start attacking VIPs. But never reveal yourself to the public. Remember to leave your blog URL in famous blogs. You would automatically receive lot of hits on your page.

My friend Robert was like you. He was very good in writing poetry in toilet walls. I suggested him to start a blog too. He became one of the greatest ever bloggers in India. This is his blog [link]. It is not crime till you are caught.

Be creative!!!