Oct 29, 2008

253. Attitude! Girl, Attitude!!!

The Tips that were offered to men in one of my earlier posts evoked mixed reactions from all the quarters in the country. Men from different parts of the country came together (no pun intended) and started an “Anti-Chriz” community. They staged a nation wide protest in their respective houses.

Some of their slogans were,
1) Chriz is a womanizer
2) Chriz is a Chicken
3) Chriz behaves like Britney spears.


I had a heavy heart when I came to know about these slogans. The first two slogans did not trouble me at all. The 3rd slogan however scraped my heart into shreds. When ever I am down with a heavy heart, I fling myself on the bed and cry my eyes out on to the pillow.

I cried the whole of last night; and my pillow appeared like a sponge soaked in water. My mom never believed me when I tried convincing her that I was indeed crying the whole night. She has doubts that I still wet my bed during my sleep.

The male community has lost faith in me. My folks have lost faith in me. That is when I thought, I should win back my pride. In order to win back my lost-pride, I present to all of you the much awaited post (I really know, no one would have awaited for this post. But writing like that gives me pleasure. So please bear with me)

Orkut for WOMEN
This post is a special dedication for all the women around the Globe. If you follow the tips given here, the guys will be following you for ever.
Pre-Requisite: All the girls are requested to say the word “ATTITUDE” five times before proceeding any further.
Ok here we go…

How to design an Orkut profile? (For women)

Name: This is the second thing that a guy would look for when he scans through different Orkut profiles (The first thing being the gender). So all the girls are requested to type in a girl name. I have a few girl-mates with Boy names. Arun, Ryan… If you have similar names, just add the letter A at the end and make it Aruna and Ryana respectively. Also a girl’s profile name should be a mixture of upper-case letters and lowercase alphabets and some special characters.

If your name is Shiney Abraham, you should type it as “$#In3Y @Bra#Am”. Do not use much of your intelligence and add the alphabet “A” at the end of the word Abraham. You should remember that it is your surname.

About me: Remember the word ATTITUDE when you fill this section. Every single word should be filled with raw-never-care-attitude. The following line is a mandatory line. “I am not here to make Fraansheeps. So if you don’t know me, please don’t scrap me”. If you have this line in your About me section, then you are bound to have more scraps.

Gender: The first thing that a guy would look for… Be proud of your feminine nature. Even if you are a tom boy and even if you have doubts regarding your orientation, just select the word “Female”. 100 scraps are guaranteed within 24 hours.

Relationship Status: It doesn’t matter even if you are married or divorced. If you are a member of the fairer gender and if you have typed “Female” as the answer to the previous question, just select any option of your choice as an answer for this question.

Birthday: Never add your birthday. Invariably a guy would ask your birthday in the sixth or seventh scrap and that question would help you in throwing more attitude.

City: Do not write all the names of the cities you have visited in your life. If you are living in Chennai now, then type it as Chennai. If you move to Mumbai tomorrow, then change it to Mumbai. Let the guys keep on guessing.

Zip/Postal code: Any six digit number will do. You can even type in your mobile number. No one will even bother to look at this

Interested in: Don’t answer this question. Answering this question will result in a 20% decrease in potential scraps..

Children: Do you have children? Then type the number of children you have

Ethnicity: Black or white. Red or Blue, a girl always has the upper hand in Orkut.

Political view: Don’t answer this question. Be honest.

Humor:Slapstick humor goes well with boys for obvious reasons.

Fashion: You are a modern girl. Remember that.

Language: As a girl you would at least know 5 languages. Type all the languages you know.

Sexual orientation: Even if I give a tip on this one, would you choose “bicurious”?.

Smoking, drinking: Do not answer this question. Gone were those days when Guys hated girls who smoked

Living: Do not check all the options. If you do so, it would read like this, “living alone with parents and a partner with kids and friends visit often with roommates who party every night with your pets”.

Passions: Go on… Show your mettle.. I needn’t help you with this one.. Don’t ever say that Hrithik and Brad Pitt are your passions. Guys are possessive (Equally possessive like their counterparts)

Sports: Even if you have pink pyjama parties with your girl friends and play truth or dare, do not add them here. I once peeped inside my neighbor babe’s bedroom. She was playing “Truth or dare” with three of her friends”. One dare-act she performed that night still gives me sleepless nights.

Books: Just type the names of the books that are currently within 1 foot away from you. I am sure you can at least come up with five names.

Music: Don’t add any gay-boy bands. You should be inclined to heavy death metal. Are you interested in Pop? Don’t add that name.Guys love rock.

Movies: I am hundred percent sure that you drool at Hrithiks biceps and Josh Holloway’s chiseled looks. But stick on to the names of the movies that you have seen. Do not go over board and express your feelings for all the reel-heroes.

TV Shows: If you are a girl, you should have Friends, sex and the city and all the girly sitcoms that you usually watch.

Cuisine: If you do not know what cuisine is all about, just add the names of some countries in your list. Indian, Chinese, Italian, Spanish would do. Do not add names such as Iraq, Afghanistan and United States of America.

Profile picture: As long as your gender is female, you don’t have to worry about the profile picture. Leaving the space empty without a profile picture invokes mixed reactions. Guys will either think that you are drop dead gorgeous or they’d think that you are an attu figure (A look alike of briney spears/Rakhi Sawant).So this portion involves lot of pyscho-precision. Either add a picture of one of your eyes, or click a picture of your ear and post them or even add a picture of your index finger. Anything works here

Recent Visitors: Boys would of course visit your profile in large numbers. So your recent visitor’s list would always have new names everyday. Just take a picture of the recent visitors list and add that picture in your photo album with the caption “These guys are crazy about me”. It sure does give you kick.





Scraps: Remember that you are a girl and try to keep your scraps short and sweet. Do not scrap the way you talk. There should not be more than four words in a single scrap. The most important thing is never to answer any question posed by a guy. Remember you are the question-master

Fans: If you are careful enough to state that you are a member of the fairer gender, you are bound to have every Tom, Shane and Harry as your fan.(Do not ask me, who Shane is.. I am pretty sure that you are not bothered to know about Tom and Harry)

Testimonials: Just create a decent Orkut profile and don’t forget to state that you are a female. Testimonials would flood in. Add some testimonials to your friends. Invariably they would return their favor by adding a testimonial for you. Accept their testimonial, but do not forget to delete the testimonial you added for them.

Remember to flaunt with your attitude in every inch of your profile. So when you fill your profile, just remember to mutter the following sentence," I have an Attitude"

-Chronicwriter (An Ex-Orkuttian)

62 comments:

  1. hmmm it was humorous to read....but u hav left questions in my mind..ao guys think all gals r like tat without and interest in sports..always worried abt make up and so on watching such type of serials...hmmm

    i guess i am getting serious...

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  2. LOL:):).Tosday's girls can also be stereotyped:), but in my family girls are very much interested in sports and watch equally with their H

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  3. hi chriz,
    This morning i read about u in Ergo and got interested in ur name (as u r a Christian) so visted ur blog. Good its humorous. this is my first ever blog. I admired it as well as u ;)(jus kiddin). after I read how to create orkut acct for a guy I expected lot from ur next blog on how to create orkut acct for women. but it was too less stuff ..... u disappointed me...:(

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  4. @pj

    do guys think that way? are you in teens? then i'd take a leaf out of this line and add some more stuff

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  5. @renu
    thats a good thing.. i am planning to marry a wwe lover

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  6. @anonymous
    you could have left your name. it would have been nice.. and thank you for the comment.. yes, this post was done in a bit of hurry and lot of worry. so i know it lacks the punch.. but anyways, it is just a passing phase

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  7. this is Angelina...... Good to look at u in Green shaded shirt dude...

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  8. @ angelina
    haha.. nandri solgindrein... me the orey vekkams

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  9. i started quoting stuff wihich i found funny in your post, got really bored of quoting every two lines . way to go buddy !!:)
    to Aunty
    Believe Chriz aunty!!:) he was mewling all night :):)

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  10. nopes it seems tat guys..do

    ye many r like tat ..but ppl generalize..and guys do like such gals i hav seen..

    yupp i am 17 in teens of course..

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  11. He he Chriz! Good stuff, it's hilarious! ;D

    But is it like, guys like the dumb- bimbette, I-don't-have-brains type girls, not the intellectual ones? No political views, no favorite sports! Huh? :-?

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  12. Gosh!! Well written buddy... I was expecting the be-dumb-be-sweet-be-enthusiatic-be-candypopshit kind of advice...but this totally deconstructed that one. Especially the music and the attitude bit.
    :D

    Though I WOULD prefer scrapping like I talk(read, long cranky scraps...)

    Well written all the same.
    Cheers.

    Oh and I see you've blogrolled me. May I do the same?
    :)

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  13. Chriz orkut has never attracted me ever. I don't know why. But facebook does. any tips for that...??

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  14. ROFL

    do u mean it wudnt matter if i kept a brinjal as my display pic as long as i am a fe------male? lol

    kudos, awesome post! u made my afternoon :D

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  15. LOL My orkut profile can not be called female if following your statements, but i do get weird visitors and stupid friends requests.. Any idea how NOT TO? :P

    PS: was such a fun to read the post! :)

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  16. :D LOL

    i used to be totally on orkut! now its gotten boring, facebook i find silly and complicated; cld totaly relate to ur post, nice one :)

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  17. Even if you just leave the complete profile empty and just add the "female" part in the gender!! Thats more than enf!! Guess your interview is making you famous huh!! I read it before it went for printing!! You both have edited it accordingly only!! :P witty and humorous!

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  18. Hey Chriz :

    Firstly, ur interview appeared on Ergo? Thats sooper cool! Can I have the link where I can read it?

    Was it done by Anusha by any chance? (Pls pardon my ignorance).

    Coming to the post, it was a very humorous read. Typically ur style! :)

    I have a very honest orkut profile I guess...

    But the point is, I dont want 100 scraps a day, and I dont want every other guy to notice me and send me "fraaandship" requests... in fact, those r the very things dat I wanna avoid...

    But I want the intelligent and/or good looking guys only to notice me.... any tips for that??? :P

    Cheers!

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  19. rofl!!! u crazy crazy guy!! that was awesomely funny! :d

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  20. Now Chriz
    Enuff dude..

    U juz said u quit orkut n even when u were over there, u werent connected with me..
    did u juz go through my pro b4 writing up this post ;)

    awesome yaar :)

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  21. awesome man , awesome post . just saw this blog , plnning to read the whole blog soon .

    great , hope u had a great diwali .


    Regards
    Athul

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  22. ***Do not use much of your intelligence and add the alphabet “A” at the end of the word Abraham. You should remember that it is your surname.

    rotfl.
    ****Passions: Go on… Show your mettle.. I needn’t help you with this one.. Don’t ever say that Hrithik and Brad Pitt are your passions. Guys are possessive (Equally possessive like their counterparts)

    OH YES.INDEEED!
    I was waiting for this..this is absolutely LOL :P:P
    Happy Diwali

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  23. hahah...It was definitely hilarious.....Either you have a good grip on female psych....or you are enjoying a female status in orkut silently and have reaped all the benefits of your post :D :D and I am guessing that it is most likely the latter ;) :P :P

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  24. @preeti
    amma.. paavum.. and thanks for the comment

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  25. @pj
    generalising statements.. hehe.. true.. it happens at that age.. i am talking about an elite group of oldies like me

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  26. @tara

    political views doesnt really matter.. do you want to have politics inside the house too?

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  27. @jadi
    welkum to do so..you are indeed.

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  28. @kiran
    i do not know the tricks in facebook.. ill ask someone to help me to come up with a post on that..

    ReplyDelete
  29. @divya

    you can even have a picture of a scooter.. that doesnt matter.. we are dreamers..

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  30. @lena
    you getting stupid friend requests?
    be happy...
    lot of people are not lucky as you

    ReplyDelete
  31. @vidya
    haha.. facebook.. i never got addicted to it too

    ReplyDelete
  32. @thoorika

    tholil ragasiyastha velila solla koodaadhu.. haha..

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  33. @moonlight

    ill send the mail that anusha sent me

    and yes kootu muyarchi... but all credit to ur friend bark anusha dutt

    and have fun with all those requests.. it gives u the option to choose from many..

    and if you are looking for some intelligent guy online, you might not get him.. it should happen accidently.. why dont you start hunting!?

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  34. @trinaa

    haha... you laughed.. purpose served

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  35. @richa
    now i am curious to check ur profile.. but too late..

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  36. @athul
    very great thanks man.. nandri meendum varuga

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  37. @sagarika
    thanks lady.. that was one comment that made me smile.. happy diwali to you too

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  38. @priti
    though the devil in me told me to start an id in a female name, i dint do that.. this is purely from experience..

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  39. hahahah lol! loved it... makes up my post diwali nite :)

    btw part 2 is up.. come have a look :)

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  40. Great! I love it! Good creations! Congratulations!!!!!!!!
    Have a nice day.

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  41. Oh pls! do u really think that the only sports girls play are pillow fites at PJ parties??? hehe good post chris, i like it! wont follow any of the advice though :D

    Congrats on being voted asias best blogger! Waggy n i are famous!

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  42. that was an exhaustive list of do's... U really r the orkut god of small things

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  43. I read your interview in Ergo.. Was skeptic about that.
    And I see only girls commenting on that. No comments from guys? :O Or is it that they are showing attitude? Duuude?? I think they got wrong message from today's blog.
    Any way good social work.

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  44. lolz if you call friends requests from guys with porn videos in their profile "lucky" then i am overlucky :D
    wouldnt wish such LUCK to anyone though lolz

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  45. :D :D :D ROFL

    i wud copy paste lena's commnt "LOL My orkut profile can not be called female if following your statements, but i do get weird visitors and stupid friends requests.. Any idea how NOT TO? :P"

    funny--awesome post.

    have become a fan of ur humour :D

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  46. aha!so you still cant completely forget orkut h?;)

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  47. I agree with Joyce's comment...

    do most guys think that all girls r stupid Brad-Pitt obsessed make-up bimbos?

    And hey I dun do Orkut so I demand a different definition for KESHI :)


    **Sexual orientation:

    wud DISORIENTED do?


    lol!


    Keshi.

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  48. Read about you and this site in ERGO yesterday..and here I am. Awesome Dude.

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  49. **Smoking, drinking: Do not answer this question. Gone were those days when Guys hated girls who smoked


    btw I dun agree with that. Smoking and Drinking is not a fashion or a trend that ppl adapt to or start accepting.

    Both habits can be quite harmful (to both men and women) and r not great habits to hv!

    Chriz wut happened to ya? :)

    Keshi.

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  50. Hi, you sure have a good grasp of the female psyche

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  51. Cuisine: If you do not know what cuisine is all about, just add the names of some countries in your list. Indian, Chinese, Italian, Spanish would do. Do not add names such as Iraq, Afghanistan and United States of America.

    hahahahahhaha
    the funniest post ever!!

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  52. @phoenix
    i read it.. and commented too. hehe

    @david santos
    you have a pretty sensitive blog.. a very good one

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  53. @anne
    i have seen other games too.. should i write abt them?

    @sarath
    i am very shy now.. thanks bro...

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  54. @lena
    wow.. you are lucky to catch up with such bozos.. jokes apart, be safe men..

    @preetilata
    i am honoured

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  55. @neethu
    yes good old memories

    @keshi
    haha.. you are a naughty devil pulling me to answer.. i saw a profile in ur name in orkut.. once

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  56. @santhosh

    thanks bro.. keep coming

    @minu
    is it.. grasp? i guess no pun intended thru that

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  57. @arshat
    haha.. thanks bro.. man your comment made my day

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  58. i am not on orkut or any social networking sites! can u believe this
    but gr8 tips lol

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  59. **i saw a profile in ur name in orkut.. once


    yeah thats a FAKE one someone created using my pics. Alot of ppl told me abt it. I even contacted Orkut mgmt and asked em to remove it. They wudnt remove it! I lost it with them and just got off the case.

    Let some idiot hv fun using my name. Some ppl dun hv a life so they use someone else's life to get some attention. So let em :)


    Keshi.

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  60. ChRiSsy boY ... fOr sOmEONE wHo sEeMed tO StAte tHat f.r.I.e.N.d.S was A gIrLie sErIal y dO ThOU hAvEth tHaT aS UR pic liNk in Ur BlOg .... HmmMmMmM noW Am ConFuSeD aBt uR sExUlaItY :)-- pE$t

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  61. i was wondering how my friend list count dropped by one--now i know :(

    neways hope u enjoyed ur 3 day stint there! :)

    ReplyDelete

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