Oct 25, 2008

250. Improve your Performance

Note: This post is long. But I assure you, that when you have read it till the end, you will be self actualised. This post is inspired from a mail that was forwarded to me by my friend.
This morning when I opened my mailbox, I received a mail from Linda Hayes. The subject line was, “Do you want to improve your performance”. Being a very innocent guy, I happened to open that mail and the next moment, pop-ups flooded my screen. This incident inspired me to come up with this post. Do you want to improve your performance too? Then Read on…
Well I forgot to mention. I am actually gonna give a few tips on improving your performance in social networking sites. Talking about social networking sites, the first thing that comes to my mind is Orkut.

Many of my friends say the same dialogue, “I have an orkut account just to stay in touch with my old friends”. That is a big fat lie.Guys! We should admit that when we sign into orkut the first thing we do is check
1) Whether any girl had scrapped us
2) Whether any girl appears in our recent visitors list
3) Whether any girl has added a testimonial for us


When none of these three things happen to us, we get irritated and we do the following things
1) We hunt for profiles of girls in girls school/ college communities and consider all good looking babes as our babe
2) We scrap so called whacky pick-up lines (Which we consider as the most intelligent scrap of all time)
3) Alter our profile expecting some improvement in our performance.


When none of these desperate measures work out, we finally say “Orkut is affecting my performance at work” and even decide to quit from Orkut. But Hold on. You are not alone. There is a big bunch of the male community leaving Orkut these days.
For such poor souls who are thinking of quitting orkut because their performance is not good enough, here are a few tips to increase your orkut performance. I am writing this post for such poor souls.

How to improve your Orkut performance? (For men)
Women can also read this post cos you would know the different techniques that a guy would adopt in improving his performance after reading this post.
Let us begin with the Profile


Name:
This is the first thing that any person would look at. So the name should always be stylish. If you still have names like Shantharam, Kandhaswamy, Subramanian, Chidambaranaadhan, NarayanaGopal and Balachandran in your profile, immediately change them to Shane, Kansaw, Super-Man, Chads, Naraine Paul and Balls respectively. An improvement of 3.5% in your performance can be noted within 24 hours.

About me: Usual smart statements that are found in profiles are “It is for me to know and you to find out”, “I am not here to impress” etc.. Some people even have quotes of famous people in their about me section. I have even come across profiles that have poems on it, like the one below
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Do you know baby that I can fly?
Come on my dear Guys! These kinds of stuffs would be a big turn off even for a thirteen year old girl. The plot is very simple. Write something about you, in the about me section in the simplest way. Nothing less and nothing flowery.
Gender: Be a man! Be proud of our clan. Stare at yourself in front of the mirror. Just select the box which says “Male”. But I know there are lots of men who have Female Ids. Sometimes we have to use just simple plain common sense. A person with the name, “George”, cannot be a female.

Relationship Status: Treat the ladies the way they want to be treated. Even if you are married / committed say that you are single. For those who do not know what an open relationship is, stay away from it. Scientists are still conducting experiments to find the exact meaning of open relationships.

Birthday: This is one day when you get the maximum number of scraps from girls. So, have at least 3 birthdays in a year. Change it every now and then so that you get wishes from girls every now and then.

City: It should be a cosmopolitan city. For heaven’s sake do not write the name of your village. If you are from some village say Kayankulam, Chandrakulam, Badiwaada, Paappapatti, never put it in your profile. India has four metro cities and a few so called cities that come very near to the Cosmo culture. Select one such city that is located closer to the place where you live.

Zip/Postal code: The metros have specific postal codes. Do not write the postal code of your village (Lateral thinking)
Interested in: Select anything in the list. But do not make the mistake of creating a doubt among the girls’ minds by selecting “Looking for men”. Remember that you are neither a gay nor a Bi. Even if you are, do not select them.
Children: You are single. Single men are not supposed to have children. (You might argue by telling that even single men can become fathers. That is true. But in social networking sites, we should curb our know-it all attitude)

Ethnicity: If you are an Indian, you automatically become an Asian.

Political view: Select anything. No girl is going to make a decision on you based on the whether you are a centrist or a left democratist
Humor: Select anything/everything. Girls like humorous people (Don’t they?)

Fashion: We are living in the 20th century. Select a couple of options to show that you are flexible to fashion changes.

Language: English is mandatory. Also select your mother tongue. Select a few more languages too. If you do not know French, don’t select it. Most girls know French.
Sexual orientation: Even if you sit with a hunch back, just say that you are Straight. There are options like bisexual/bicurious. Just ignore them

Smoking, drinking: Some girls like smokers and drunkards. So the best way to answer this question is not to answer this question. So no answer is the best answer.

Living: Do not check all the options. If you do so, it would read like this, “living alone with parents and a partner with kids and friends visit often with roommates who party every night with your pets”.

Passions: We all know what our passions are. But this is where we should control ourselves. Music, Movies, Sports serves as the best answer
Sports: Girls like Men and they usually do not prefer boys. So do not write stuffs like, “Hide and seek, the thief and the cops and all the games that you play with your neighbor kids”. Soccer, Tennis,F1.. Don’t they look great?

Activities: If you are honest here, then all the effort that you have put in designing your profile will go for a toss. We have started lying and we should continue to lie. Say that you are a bungee jumper or that you have biker gang or maybe a rock band

Books: Girls would love to know about your reading taste. I really do not know what they would decipher out of this. It is better to have names like Frederick Forsyth, Paulo Coelho, Harold Robbins, Irwing Wallace. Do not write the names of the books that you usually read (rather gaze at).

Music: If you put in names like Emraan Haasmi and DJ Doll, it is high time that you close your Orkut Account. Use names like MLTR, Metallica, Seether, Creed or go for famous Individuals like Eric Clapton, Mark Knopfler, Santanna, Ossie. If you do not have Beatles in your list, you stand very close to lose many scraps.
If you do not know the names of any bands just type metal, death metal, rock, pop, classic, western or country. People would think that you have an in-depth knowledge. Never add names of the gay-Boy bands in your list. If you have Britney Spears in your list, please do not read my blog here after.

Movies: Even if you are an SRK, Vijay, Ajith, Mohanlal fan curb your desire. Hollywood is where we should concentrate on. At least ten movies from the top 100 movies in IMDB should feature in your list

TV Shows: Even if you watch VIP in AXN , Baywatch in Star world and silk-stockings in Zee for obvious reasons, your profile is not the place to reveal it. Have the names of some talk shows. Friends and Full house are a must. Do not ever dream about mentioning the names of the mega serials that you watch in the regional channels.

Cuisine: If you do not know what cuisine is all about, just add the names of some countries in your list. Indian, Chinese, Italian, Spanish would do. Do not add names such as Iraq, Afghanistan and United States of America.
Now we are 50% trough in building 250% of success through our profile. The next 50% will yield great results.


Profile picture: Put your own picture. Photoshop comes into best effect. Do not add that picture of you in tie, coat and suit ( The one that you took for your examination hall ticket) .But do not morph your picture in a body like this.

Recent Visitors: If you visit girls profiles, they would invariably at least take a look into your profile. So the more girls’ profiles you visit, the more visitors you would have from a person of the fairer sex. On one such day your recent visitors list will be full of girls. Just take a picture of that and add it in your photo album with the caption " These girls are crazy about me"

Scraps: Scrap as many girls as you can. Never show that you are desperate (even if you are). You have a 1/10 chance of getting a scrap back with the most common question “Who are you? Do I know you?” If you get this sort of scrap, just remember that you have the fish near the net and it is just a matter of precision and shrewdness with which you will have it in the net. Just wave your net gently with stories that you are very capable of cooking. Never ever show that you are desperate

A recent survey by Mr.X shows that a news sect of girls are very much attracted to desperate guys. God I am confused now.

Fans: If you become someone else’s fan, they become your fan automatically. There are People who do not become your fan even one week after you becoming their fan.Just remember that there is no point in you being their fan.

Testimonials: Treat your friends and they would add testimonials for you. I had 36 testimonials in Orkut. You can even write your own testimonials and ask your friends to post it for you.


Communities: This is where you should be really careful. Even if you like Pamela Anderson, Avia Giovanni, do not join communities that are started for them. Join communities of famous, musicians, authors. Also join intelligent communities like brain teasers, Chess. Also when you join your school community be very careful that you do not show your true color by actively participating in the forums.

That’s all I could come up as of now. If anyone else has any other great ideas, please feel free to share in the smiles section.

-Chronicwriter (An Ex-Orkuttian)
Orkut for women - Soon to hit this page

52 comments:

  1. It is hilarious. kuddos. I liked the one you wrote about living and music. keep on doing the good work.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ha ha ha.....I can't stop..my God u guys ..don't hav words to say...lol

    hmmm I guess the name of the post shud hav been secrets revealed..
    I am sure the boy gang will be angry with u..lol

    ReplyDelete
  3. @akka
    ;) haha.. i am coming up with orkut for women.. would be useful

    ReplyDelete
  4. @pj
    orkut for woman , soon to hit this page.. so the name of that post would be something on the lines of secrets and getting revealed...The boys gang will surely like me for that

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  5. hey chriz!!

    this is definitely one of ur best posts.. and right on time too! looking past d humour i really wish a lot of guys cud get to read this... would do them hell lot of good..

    you could maybe publish this n becom rich n famous.. [:P]

    ReplyDelete
  6. hey bhagwan!! seriously? dats wht goes inside ur mind? pich..!! :P

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  7. ROFL
    Birthday: This is one day when you get the maximum number of scraps from girls. So, have at least 3 birthdays in a year. Change it every now and then so that you get wishes from girls every now and then.

    Living was fun too :)

    If you have Britney Spears in your list, please do not read my blog here after.
    Why you adore her/hate her so much??(just curious).

    Friends and Full house are a must.
    Hey full house still is being telecast? which channel? would love to re-watch it :)
    fun reading this chriz. err. I would appreciate if you come up with a post saying, "how to build interest in orkut"..

    ReplyDelete
  8. hahah Well researched and amusing!
    hmmm waiting for the one for women ;)

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  9. Lol!
    Chriz chriz chriz! :D
    I love the communities part..and omg..you wre one famous orkuttian,are you not? :P

    I have 20 testimonials..and I am one year old on 'Kut :D

    And I agree with Priya..you shouldn't have had the secrets revealed! :P

    PS-. *****Do not write the names of the books that you usually read (rather gaze at).


    LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  10. @ chriz

    lolz.. where de hell do u come up wit these things? i shalt add it to your story

    HEAR YE HEAR YE... I AM WRITINGEST A STORY ON THY HERO IN MY BLOG. PLZ FEEL FREE TO VISIT AND COMMENT ON IT. ITS A LOVE STORY MIXED WITH MURDER, HORROR AND MYSTERY

    ReplyDelete
  11. kweool...!!

    will try some of these.. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Somehow I never ever liked Orkut but always loved Facebook. Write something about that please.

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  13. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    dude, kudos to your determination...you actually wrote all that out?? :hail:

    and btw, i'm a girl and i ALWAYS prefer boys over men. :P
    think about it...and as far as accepting friend requests from guys are concerned , i look at the music list, and if they have proper death/melodeath/thrash metal bands listed there, i accept the request without even looking at whether he's called Balachandran or Balls.
    :P

    awesome post!

    ReplyDelete
  14. @rathi
    welkum back to my page.. good to see your comment.. hey start a blog and post abt the kids you interact with.. it would sure be a hit...

    ReplyDelete
  15. @trinaa..
    hold on girl... orkut for women will be soon posted

    ReplyDelete
  16. @preeti

    i lost my interest in orkut after spending more than three years in it.. it was just the case of too much honey is bitter story....

    and thanks for the lovely comment.. do come and have fun at my page..( no pun intended)

    ReplyDelete
  17. @bhaw..

    mm lemme see.. i have scheduled it for next week..

    ReplyDelete
  18. @aayushi
    haha.. my dear ex-orkut mate.. hope the orkut world is treating you fine.. have fun there

    ReplyDelete
  19. @anusha
    haha.. your story is good. but the cookies in your page is knocking me off. i guess blogspot and the templete you have there are having a tiffy

    ReplyDelete
  20. @vinz
    haha and you will also quit orkut like me.. join the ex-orkuttians club soon

    ReplyDelete
  21. @preeti
    btw.. i hate britney spears...
    for her silly voice
    for her silly attitude
    for her silly character

    but i love her for one reason.. she is a real blog material

    ReplyDelete
  22. @kiran
    the day i joined facebook, a friend of mine threw a turkey at me.. i closed my facebook account too.. rather it is inactive.. orkut was my second wife for a long time.. and thats y i know abt her

    ReplyDelete
  23. @jadi
    you love boys>? even michael jackson preferred boys over men...


    and hey the music interest of yours rock.. that is sure a part of my orkut for women post

    ReplyDelete
  24. @trinity

    a cool post by a hot guy... is that the full sentence?

    ReplyDelete
  25. CHRIZ! I spit coffee on my screen!
    hahahahah I have to say this all the time.. YOU ARE A NUT!!!

    I sit and wonder what really goes through your mind sometimes to come up with stuff like this! LOL!!! my fav out of them all

    "For those who do not know what an open relationship is, stay away from it. Scientists are still conducting experiments to find the exact meaning of open relationships."

    I laughed my azz off at this, Please keep making me laugh!! hahahaha
    G-d Bless!
    Ne

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  26. @NE

    you laughed your A out..

    i ahve heard lot of people say that... lmao- does not it mean farting???

    ReplyDelete
  27. LOL too funny!

    That profile pic was shocking!

    Keshi.

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  28. AMAZING!!!

    so then y did u leave orkut!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. He he he .....ROTFL!! Damn funny yaar, just too good for words, waiting for the one for girls!

    Cheers
    Tara (Ex-Orkutian)

    ReplyDelete
  30. OMG!!! this was just too hilarious!! now I'll know what to watch out for when guys scrap in orkut.. :P

    ReplyDelete
  31. looool....I m waiting to c what your orkut for women tips look like...;)

    ReplyDelete
  32. @keshi

    even i went to the gym to have a body like that.. all i developed was a pimple

    ReplyDelete
  33. @anusha
    hey kid. when elders tell you something.. its not because of jealousy.. it is just because elders do not like the idea of getting massacred

    ReplyDelete
  34. @illusion

    i attained karma with orkut..

    ReplyDelete
  35. @tara
    wowie.. you too ex-orkuttian? kewl.. lets throw a party.. u drink beer and me being the good guy, ill drink soft drinks.. (my girl reads my blogs and she doesnt like me drinking)

    ReplyDelete
  36. @ishwarya
    wait! the post on orkut for girls will soon come.. the guys will rejoice then

    ReplyDelete
  37. @priti
    yes .. i have an appointment in the loo , so that i can come up with something really useful

    ReplyDelete
  38. OMG i dont know a word beyond 'jocose' for this post..
    Applaude!!
    Bows!!
    :D
    i like specifiaclly the britiny spears part and
    "Scraps: Scrap as many girls as you can. Never show that you are desperate (even if you are). You have a 1/10 chance of getting a scrap back with the most common question “Who are you? Do I know you?” If you get this sort of scrap, just remember that you have the fish near the net and it is just a matter of precision and shrewdness with which you will have it in the net. Just wave your net gently with stories that you are very capable of cooking. Never ever show that you are desperate "

    LOVED IT!!

    ReplyDelete
  39. hahahah...gud one buddy!!...u shud have posted it secretly :D

    ReplyDelete
  40. Okay....chriz...I read the whole thing out and now I think that it's funny ROFL!!

    Nice suggestions...for everyone out there...I'm thankfully not there on orkut :)

    ReplyDelete
  41. Good stuff
    So gilrz like humour?
    So you then have to be a hot studd dont you?

    BTW,
    What does happen if one (not me)happens to listen to Briteny?
    ........................oops I did it again........

    ReplyDelete
  42. hahaha :D

    by reading d title t thought it's gonna be some serious post but no i was wrong n thus u hv succeeded in ur mission :p

    hilarious post. i loved d b'day part the most :D

    living is also very funny :D

    take care :)

    ReplyDelete
  43. hahaha :D

    by reading d title t thought it's gonna be some serious post but no i was wrong n thus u hv succeeded in ur mission :p

    hilarious post. i loved d b'day part the most :D

    living is also very funny :D

    take care :)

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  44. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  45. ROFL.. I've laughed my way to a stomach ache reading ur post....

    the ones on livin and open relationship were simply amazing dude..!!!!

    Just to add..
    Guys create multiple google accounts and scrap themselves to increase the No. of scraps they get...

    They also compete in the Mr.Orkut shit.. so that all these desparate gals come after 'em..

    Rock on Chriz...

    Cheers..!!

    S

    ReplyDelete
  46. haha too funny chris.. this one is by far THE BEST & my favorite, and i must say it is very very true!

    ReplyDelete
  47. My dear fellow,

    your scrap of the "Boys best bet for a popular orkut community" was excellent not sure why other guys did not like it - leave them to their folly.
    i saw your site on Ergo and visited it - Not disappointed.

    keep it up.
    Dheeraj

    ReplyDelete
  48. Hey chr!z, ! wnodre hwo yuo cna psot so mcuh. Btu this post as some one stated 'Secrets Revealed'. I was also using rKut for the past 3 years and was fruitful. Very good community. And hope I will become a reader of ur blog too.
    I got this from ergo! thanks ergo.

    Keep ur good writing high.

    thanks
    ╓§hyæm╓

    ReplyDelete

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