Aug 17, 2006

41. INTEaRVIEW

Many among us would have attended the so called demon called Interview.To be honest I liked Interviews right from the very beginning as it gave me the opportunity to blow my own trumpet.It is the only place where no one will walk away when you talk(You might be asked to leave, if the interviewer find you to be oversmart). I have a ninety percent success rate in interviews( Right from Kindergarden till date).The only interview which went wrong was my first Job interview.The fateful incident happened in the year 2003.

As a fresh graduate walking out of an engineering college, I had my head held high as I stepped foot inside the biggest fish market of south india,"Tidel Park". I was soon sitting along with a group of engineers in that small room which accomodated 25 of us. After some conversation with my co-interviewees I figured out that I was the only fresher there. I had a chit given to me which read "6". I turned it upside down and it read "9".There was another babe who had a similar problem. The gentleman inside me used his brain and after a two minute talk with her I agreed that I would go in as the 9th person and she could be the 6th person. I knew that I had won her heart. I came back to my seat and saw her through the corner of my eye. She did not look at me. She must have been shy.

People went into the trial room and came back. I was told that it was a stress interview. The girl who went in as number "6", came out crying. I felt sorry for her because I could not offer her my handkerchief to wipe her tears. I had a severe running cold that day and I had already created waves of designs on my handkerchief with my nose blowing skills. With a heavy heart I sat in the room and waited for my turn.Soon the LCD display blinked, "9". I got up from my chair with full confidence and walked into the room.When I opened the room, I saw six people in the room. Three men sitting behind a long table, Two women standing near the window and one guy in a long camel coat sweeping the floor. I knew that something was wrong. Is this what they call as stress interview.

To make my presence felt, I wished them very loud. To my dismay I found that I started to hic-cup at the same time. I ended up wishing them, " Gooiky Onomoining ". All six were looking at me. They sensed that they had their prey of the day. I took my chair and found to my horror that I had left my file in the waiting room. I rushed out of the room without informing them; took my file and ran back inside the room and sat in the chair. I was trembling now. But I tried giving my best smile. But it turned out to be a massacre of sorts.

The massacre began with a gentle question

Stress Interviewer : Hi
Me: Hi
S: How do you do?
M: I do it like a normal man. But my dog does it on the trees and lamp posts
S: I meant, How are you?
M: I am fine. How about you?
( He did not like me asking a question)
S: Tell me about yourself.
M: Should I tell about my family or my school days or my college days or my church activities or my........, Can you be more precise cos If i start speaking about myself, I am gonna eat up your time for sure.
S: What is your viewpoint on Euthanasia?
( I heard it as Youth in Asia)
M: They are diverse unlike the ones in the west. The cultural roots strongly echo their actions. Societal influence has a major say in their decision making. But with their hardworking capabilities, they can thrash their counterparts from the west round and square
(The interviewer had a blank expression on his face. He looked at the fellow sitting next to him and he too had this lame expression on his face)
S: Who is your role model?
M: I do not have one. Different people influence me in the various roles I play. So the answer to this question depends on the roles I adopt.
S: Do wou have any work experience?
M: Does loving a girl called Renu, count as a work experience?
S: What did you learn from it?
M: That Renu loved another guy called Shabir.
S: Is this your first Job interview?
M: Yes
S: Why did not you attend any of your campus interviews.
M: Because I could not clear their aptitude tests
S: Then How come you are attending our interview?
M: Because your aptitude test was the only one I could clear.
S: Why do you think that our company is the best.
M: I never thought so. But Yea! If you select me, I will surely think that way.
S: What is the difference between love marriage and arranged marriage?
M: I am aquaphobic. So it is almost similar to someone pushing me into the water or me myself jumping inside a river. I know I cannot swim out of it.
S: Why did you choose the computer industry when You have an Instrumentation background.
M: Software,Joystick,Silicon.. everything sounded so nice...
S: Are you a hard worker?
M: I hardly work to work hard.
S: What gives you energy to work?
M: energy
S: What are the qualities of a good master?
M: One who cooks good food.
S: Have you ever cheated a girl?
M: No. But two girls have cheated me. I loved them both at the same time. I equally loved them both and made it sure that girl-A does not know about the existance of girl-B.But they two timed on me, cos they continued to use my money and never told me that they knew each other.
S: What is your idea on the peace talks between Lebanon and Syria?
M: I have no idea
S: How long are you planning to stay with us?
M: I have not planned that yet. Should I plan that? How long are you planning to keep me?
( I knew from their facial reactions that they were not liking me asking them qeustions. )
S: Where do you see yourself ten years from now?
M: Me lying down near my swimming pool, with my wife serving me hot barbeque, and my kids playing in the pool. I could see my pug dog," Bubbly " running around in the lawn.
S: Who is our Home minister?
( I did not have a clue about it.. I even forgot our prime minister's name when I entered the hall)
M: Can I pass this question?
S: No. Give a wild guess.
M: Rabri devi?
S: No
M: Lallu?
S: No
M: Can i now pass this question?
S: You'll be selected if You answer this question.
M: Najma Abdulla
S: Thank you very much. We'll inform you regarding the results of your interview after we discuss amongst ourselves.
M: Do give me a call before 9 p.m. I'll be busy on the phone after that.
S: Yes. We'll keep that in mind.
M: Bubye ( I told this with an attitude and walked out of the room with confidence oozing out like a vulcano)

I never heard from them again... Hope the questions would be useful for young aspiring candidates who attend interviews. Do not use the same answers as you might end up waiting for a phone call for four long years. For four long years I am under the impression that Najma Abdulla is our home minister. Who is our home minister?

-Chronicwriter

21 comments:

  1. Talking of interview. i have a demo in ten minutes from now. I hope to answer something like this.

    S: What is the difference between love marriage and arranged marriage?
    M: I am aquaphobic. So it is almost similar to someone pushing me into the water or me myself jumping inside a river. I know I cannot swim out of it.

    Simply loved this answer

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  2. I'm also wondering who our home minister is :P
    I happened to be hired w/o an interview when I was a fresher..looks like I missed some fun..

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  3. ur interview scene looked more like a scene in a railway reservation counter

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  4. Ha Ha Ha...

    I hate interviews. Thankfully i have graduated to taking them. So, i guess it is cool. But unlike your's i behave.

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  5. @santosh
    the mantra is never answer a question straight. asnwer with a simili. you'll be considered a philosohical genius even if you talk crap..

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  6. @ gomz
    i am making another wild guess.. is it aisha takia?

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  7. @mahatma
    would love to reserve tickets in that case.

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  8. @kulpreet
    keep writing about beers and wines. your blog is kewl..

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  9. he he.. santosh took de words out of my mouth.. tht ans was really cool... he he.. n true tooo.. ;)

    neway is ur title actually "INTEaRVIEW" or is de 'a'
    an unknown intrusion????

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  10. @Dhanya

    "A" came in with a purpose.. the purpose is fulfilled , cos you asked why it exists in the first place... A post on the little blue devil is coming up soon

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  11. hahaha.. loved it.... especially d answer for "how do you do??"

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  12. I'm very sceptical about interviews having endured quite a few. Invariably the interviewer looks at my resume and asks me to take him through it and then some very obvious questions that reek of stupidity. Immediately I switch off and though I dont mouth the same answers like yours, the feeling is the same.

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  13. ty for stopping by my blog :)

    I hate interviews...thats why I wont be changing my current job for a long time LOL!

    Keshi.

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  14. @ vikky

    hehehe..

    @ roger

    i would love to attend one more interview in a years time.. ill have more experience then.

    @keshi

    thank you for coming here. But thats the place where we can talk about ourselves for a long time..

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  15. Hallelujah! Let peace be with him; I mean the Stress Interviewer

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  16. Don't tell me these are the answers which you gave? If yes then u have got the guts... btw it was very funny narration.. i liked it.. in fact some answers were drolly.. ;)

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  17. little bit of spoilsport..

    shivraj patil is the home minister currently.. and during ur interview period i guess lal krishna advani..

    btw u cud have answered it by saying is he the ceo of ur company too? or something like this.. :P

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  18. @honey bee
    have you attended any interviews?

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  19. @ anand

    this post is full of lies.. hehe

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  20. ha ha ha.. i guessed so.. now onward write at the top of ur post that this post is a fiction work, and is perfomrmed by fictional hero'es, don't try to copy in ur real life.. :P
    cool thought though.. ;)

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  21. Chriz,, you made my day,, you are a stress reliever. ;)Thank you

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