Nov 6, 2003

11.LOO-ng term vision

Disclaimer: Please close your nose and read this post

India's population is blasting its way to Glory!By the year 2050,we would have taken over china by 200%.The rate at which we are growing will make our human resource rich by 20% compared to the whole world population.

Scientists in India are worried about one major issue that will supress India's growth.Being a socio-sensual (sensual sounds better than sensitivity) person, I always ponder over serious issues that hinder our country's growth.When i ponder, my thoughts travel around places of great geographic interest, and during one such mind-travel, my thoughts came to a halt near " Ashok Pillar", in Chennai.

Yippee! I Jumped in joy because I found the solution for the biggest ever question that is baffling the scientists all these years .My findings will save our country. (You can now give me a standing ovation).I am going to reveal my great thoughts in this post.

The Biggest ever Question that is baffling the scientists:
At the current rate of population explosion, India would be filled with 800 crore people by 2050.With the current toilet manufacturing rate which is 2 toilet/machine/day, the country would not have enough toilets to acommodate 800 crore bum's in times of crisis.


The Biggest ever answer: (Thanks to my thoughts after
pondering over the Ashoka Pillar)


Applying rules of correlation and regression, only 585 crores of bums can be accomodated by the available resources at a single Go. So if four lions can sit back to back , Why can't four human beings do the same thing?But care should be taken during the post-deposit-process.



-Chronicwriter

Oct 6, 2003

10.Teen Trouble

I take scripture classes(sunday classes in church) for the boys in their late teens. For a compact guy like me(165 cms to be precise), it is indeed a tough job. I have five students in class and all these guys are HUGE. It is indeed a sight to see me in the middle, with all five boys ogling at me like five hungry vultures circling for a dead rat.All these guys are seventeen years of age and tackling them is not an easy joke.

After the Sunday service gets over; It is sunday class time(10 a.m.).These guys call me ,"Anna" (Anna does not stand for Anna Kournikova; Anna,in tamil means "Big Brother").The usual ritual starts with me, pulling a chair and sitting on it and all five guys following me with five chairs,ready to attack me.They take strategic positions and they end up sitting in a semicircular shape with"poor" me in the middle.

We usually start with a prayer and the trouble starts right from there. They talk very openly to God in the intercession prayer ( I once told them, that Prayer is just like conversing with their friends). I cannot be strict to them also, cos I always believe in non-violence. (I never show it to them that I am scared of this guys).

After the prayer, it is memory verse time. I dare not ask them to recite the memory verses, cos they first ask me to recite it to them. Certain days they have forced me to recite the memory verses and when their turn comes, they would Say," Anna, We would recite it after you are through with today's sharing".Abiding by their terms and conditions, I start my story telling session. I am very good in starting a story. But I lack the finishing touch. Last week, I was teaching them from the book of Esther(Esther is a story of a Jewish women who saves her people from an evil plot designed by an evil man).

I started the story with a great introduction, and i tried linking history with the biblical story to make it more interesting. Esther is the wife of Ahasuerus (a great persian king who ruled 127 provinces). Ahasuerus happens to be the son of Xerxes (the villain in the movie 300 driected by Zack snyder). So i asked all the boys to watch the movie in the near by movie hall. They were very excited.Suddenly the topic took a different route and the boys started talking about movies, and before I could realise, things went out of my hand and we were talking about Rajini's , "Sivaji".So I thought of stopping for the day and I asked my Boys to recite the memory verses cos they promised me that they wud recite at the end of the class.But just when i thought that I had things under my control,They gave me an intimidating look and I understood their non-verbal-Vibes very clearly. It is very difficult to handle guys in their late teens.My parents should be given the "Nobel prize for Patience",for bearing with me when i was in my late teens( am still not yet out of it mentally)

Last year I took classes for kids between the age group 3 to 5.When i compare them with my current Boys, I can very boldly say that the present boys are angels without a halo around their head. The toddler kids were real devils in disguise. I will write about the kids some day and you will understand why I refer to them as devils in disguise.

-Chronicwriter

Sep 24, 2003

9.It is hard to be a DAD

Being a DAD to a NUT is not an easy job(ask my dad). It requires loads of patience, mental strength(physical strength is not needed with cases like me,cos i'd pee in my pants with one scornful look itself).
I was very shy to say it; but yesterday when i told," happy daddy's day pops", he gave me an expression-less look.He never expected me to utter those words.

The nutty nature in me goes into a pause mode when ever i come across anything that has something to do with a DAD-SON relationship.Tears rolled down my smiling cheeks last night when i pondered over a few thoughts that came across my mind.
I dedicate five thoughts for that calm man who never ever asked me whether I love him or not.
1) The movie," Life is beautiful"- I see a Roberto Ben in my Dad
2) The tears, I saw in his eyes when I lost my leg( God is gracious that I am still walking). That was the first time i saw my dad crying
3) Those days when I used to hold his index finger when we go for our evening walks
4) The hug he gave me when i got a job.(That was the best Hug i had got from anyone)
5) The kid-in- him that comes to life when he plays withhis grandson ( my Nephew),"Jeremy".

Lost in 25 years of thoughts with my eyes welled up and a smile (not the nutty smile).
-Chronicwriter

Sep 17, 2003

8.Why ME?

Why ME?
Flash Back:This is THE one million dollar question that is raking my brains ever since my first girlfriend ditched me when i was in my kindergarden..I cried for two continuous hours cos my kindergarden villain impressed her by writing all the 26 alphabets on the black slate and tuk her away from me. That was the moment ,i decided that i would become a writer when i grow up..The former might happen but the latter never happened
Why ME?
Flash Front: My firm is in the 5th floor of a seven storey building. I remember the first lift journey I had from Ground floor to 5th floor,when I joined my firm. As i entered the lift, no one was there.And the journey started. But before long, it came to a halt in the 1st floor.In came a Hot Girl clad in blue attire.She had her ID tagged around her neck. She pressed the button 6. I knew she was madly in love with me because she avoided eye contact with me, (a very shy girl indeed).I was eagerly trying to figure out her blood group in her ID card (I was not making any effort to find her name. Iam very innocent), cos If something happens to her , i should be in a position to donate blood and save her life.But she was so shy that she covered her id card with her hand. I knew that I was irresistable for her. Suddenly the lift stopped in 5th floor.I had to leave, and i could feel the vibes from her and she did not want me to leave the lift. But being a focussed man with a Great Goal, I moved on.
Why ME?
Flash Back: When i was in class 9, i fell in love with Renu for the umpteenth time. My nemesis,"Shabir" was out of contention because his interests were more focussed on another girl ," Begum Moharuneesa". So he never competed with me for Renu. But call it as a misfortune or a disaster of sorts, that my heart started drumming love beats for another girl,"Minu".I loved both these girls with the greatest ever commitment. After class hours, I used to spend time with Renu, when Minu was not around and I used to hang out with Minu, when Renu was not around.My friends used to warn me and tell me not to believe a girl in Love. The great lover within me never heeded to their warnings.Every one around knew that i was the unheralded Don Juan DeMarco of the campus.
But little did I know that both these girls knew each other well and they were scratching my back.I learnt my lesson not to believe girls in love. By the way did someone say something about TWO-TIMING? What is that? I am very innocent!
Why ME?

Aug 21, 2003

7.The Cult Math-magician ( It is Me )

I was a cult mathematician in college ( Not known to anyone except me). My skills with the number system were far better than the skills pocessed by great mathematicians like Charles babbage,Shakunthala Devi,Pascal,Newton,Bhaskara, Aryabatta, A.Singaravelu,Mandira Bedi and Ramanujam.( Dunno how Mandira Bedi found her way in this list. But I'll keep her in the list anyways.)

No one could tolerate the ever increasing mathematical brilliance in me and as a result i cleared my first semester mathematical paper after four years.During this course of time, I challenged the Ramanujam Theory once again. I called it the Analogous clock Theorem.

Analogous Clock Theorem

2=3; because the seconds hand is infact the third hand in the clock
Proof(in sequence ..
hours hand=first hand,
minutes hand = second hand
and seconds hand = third hand)

so seconds hand= third hand

removing hand from both sides =>

second = third
2=3
hence proved..

Will i reach Cult status in the field of Mathematics.

-Chronicwriter

Aug 5, 2003

6.The mathematical genius

Disclaimer:

This is an inspirational story about me,myself. If you finish reading this you would find the real meaning of your existence in this world.

Back in school, I used to be very bad with numbers. We were taught how to ADD two digits,through the "Finger folding technology ",adopted by my mathematics teacher. My nemesis in School,"Shabir", had six fingers in both his hands and thus had the extra advantage and he used to add faster than me. He even used latest cutting edge technologies to sharpen his pencils and thus was always a step ahead of me.

Days went by and i was in class X. I had a mathematical teacher,"Mr. Arulandham". He developed a great liking on my compact Bum and he used to pamper my bum with "ruler scales, wooden dusters and cane sticks ". My mathematical skills were so great that i used to kneel down or mostly spend my time outside the class. He was so amazed with my skills with the numerical system, that he presented me with a Book written by Ramanujamand and asked me to read it and improve my knowledge with the numbers.

I went home and started reading it and i came across a confusing solution given by Ramanujam for a simple problem. Check his solution here below:


Can U Prove 3=2??
This seems to be an anomaly or whatever u call in mathematics.
It seems, Ramanujam found it but never disclosed it during his life time
and that it has been found from his dairy.
See this illustration:
-6 = -6
9-15 = 4-10
adding 25/4 to both sides:
9-15+(25/4) = 4-10+(25/4 )
Changing the order
9+(25/4)-15 = 4+(25/4)-10
(this is just like : a square + b square - two a b = (a-b)square. )
Here a = 3, b=5/2 for L.H.S and a =2, b=5/2 for R.H.S.
So it can be expressed as follows:
(3-5/2)(3-5/ 2) = (2-5/2)(2-5/ 2)
Taking positive square root on both sides:
3 - 5/2 = 2 - 5/2
3 = 2

The brilliant mathematician who lives within me got infuriated on seeing such a confusing solution for an equation that could have been solved very easily. That night i thought of an alternate solution, and in no time i had the solution to the same problem.
Next day i went to class and announced to every one that i could prove Ramanujam wrong. "Mr.Arulanadham" did not show any interest. Instead he took his cane to pamper my bum. But who cares!, beacuse I very well knew that i would be the one who would have the last laugh. I saw Renu through the corner of my eye. She turned her head away from me. I knew she was madly in love with me and did not have enough confidence to look into my eyes.Shabir got tensed because he knew that he would lose Renu, if i solved the problem.
I went to the black board(with one hand in my left pocket; a true demonstration of a professional walk")and started solving the problem
To prove
3=2
Proof
Multiplying both sides by zero=>
0=0
Hence proved.

After effects
1.My bum was pampered to glory
2.I never had to attend any more of Mr.Arulandham's classes .
3.Renu stopped talking with me forever
More to come
-Chronicwriter

Jul 28, 2003

5.I am Hot

Disclaimer:
If u have not experienced any natural disaster in ur life so far, then i wud say that when u finish reading the following article, u wud have experienced the troubles and tribulations of experiencing a natural disaster.

This is a real incident that happened to me on a night,one week before the cricket world cup,2007.

The pressure that my mind was captivated with, that night was unbearable. The struggle i went through that night was almost similar to the holocaust suffereings that the jews suffered at the hands of Hitler during the second world war. I have never been in a similar situation in all my life. As i entered office early that morning, i knew that i was going to have a long day. When i switched ON my computer and logged onto my lotus notes i saw a huge junk of mails in my inbox. I patiently went through all the Good morning mails. Some brilliant soul( am not mentioning her name, to avoid a third world war) even forwarded a happy new year mail. After that i had some meetings and it went on and on and on.... Finally when the meetings got over , it was well past evening. My wrist watch showed that the time was 6 pm.

Then i realised that i did not have much time in my hands. I still had lot of work to be completed. But time is running out of my hands. My cerebellum and medula oblangata had a bilateral conflict. My head started spinning.My eyes turned red . My heart started beating fast and i started sweating. I was profusely sweating in a centralised A/C environment and i was astonished to see myself sweating in such a cool environment, my thoughts took me back to my past and i remembered what my benchmate in college,"Reena"(name is not changed purposefully) once told me . If i am not wrong, she was wearing a blue spaghetti on that cold monday morning.She came very close to me and whispered into my ear,"Chriz! You are sooo HOtttttt ". Yea , i had fever that day and i was shocked to realise how she found that i had a high temperature. I was innocent during my college days too. I asked her How she found that i was Hot. She told that I would understand the INNER meaning later in my life. After eight years i realised the INNER meaning on that night (06-03-2007), the reason for my profuse sweating.Yae... I am HOtttttt.

When i came back to the present world tracing back from the flashback, i realised it was well past seven.Tsunamis and vulcanos erupted from with in. My fingers became numb. I felt a shiver down my spine. My adams apple went up and down. ( By the way instead of an apple , if a coconut had fallen on Newton's head we would not have known what gravitation was all about. we would have just come to the conclusion that the earth sucks).

Ok lemme come back to that night. My wrist watch indicated that the time was7.45 pm. I had to act fast. I removed my tie. switched off my computer, took my mobile phone and bike keys and rushed to the bike stand and started kicking my bike.My bike is a lovely bike. It likes getting kicked . It would not start unless i kick it atleast ten times. But then finally when it starts, the smoke it emits is just like the PSLV and GSLV launch machines which zoom into the sky, emitting nitrogen gases.. Luckily no one was behind the silencer when i started the bike. I reached home in five minutes. My wrist watch showed that the time was 7.53. I knew that i did not have much time left.

I went to the wash room and took a quick loooooong shower. The post-shower preparations were hectic with heavy layering of perfumes and finally i opened my cupboard and took out the newly bought yellow sleeveless Reebok tops that i bought especially for the occassion.I spent sometime infront of the mirror and the result was an handsome reflection. I knew i was ready . My heart-beats were racing to new heights that even schumi and barichello could not dream of achieving it on the circuit( No wonder Schumi retired from the internation scene. reuben will follow suit i guess).

My wrist watch indicated that the time was 8 pm. I was waiting for this moment for one full day. I went and sat infront of the TV. I switched it ON. Tuned the channel to Sony SetMax . India was going take on Nedherlands for their pre world cup preparations. They called it warm-up matches. I thought to myself, " An HOttttt guy watching WARM-up matches.... what a co-incidence".. But who cares about the warm-up match. Anyways India is gonna thrash the orange boys. As i looked intensively into the screen, i had to bear the brunt of viewing unnecessary advertisements. And finally around 8.05 pm the moment i was waiting for finally arrived.. " FOURTH INNINGS"... and the camera zoomed in and yeaaaaaaaaaa! , there she was sitting and smiling and what a similarity... She was also wearing an yellow tubetop. Mandira was HOttttt... Dunno if you wud believe it or not, but i am very sure that Mandira did not even take her eyes off me for even a single second. I knew that she was truly madly deeply in love with me. But family constraints, cultures, values, ethics calmed me down.

India is Playing against England and Ireland next month. I am planning to wear my orange sleeveless tops for those matches. Watch out for Mandira. She would also be in Orange. You would then believe me why they say that i am HOtttttt..

-Chronic(hotter)writer

Jul 12, 2003

4.I am UNLUCKY

I have never been lucky all my life.My stars did not shine as they were supposed to.. When i fell in love with Anna Kournikova , she fell for Enrique. I went without food for three days.I am not lucky when it comes to riding my bike too. My splendor bike is an example and you'll understand what i am trying to convey, if you take a look at my bike.My biking skills reach its pinnacle when i ride it. The dis-oriented shape of my bike is a clear indication of my riding skills. But then man was never destined to be lucky. If that were true, he would have been a woman.

Here are ten reasons why i call myself unlucky

1) I had my first love failure when i was in kindergarden when my then girlfriend,"Renu" went away with my kindergarden nemesis,"Shabir". (Apparently Renu is now happily married with Ashok and they have two kids)

2) Two weeks back,I was playing street cricket with some ten year old kids and this girl," shivani"(she is just 9 years), bowled me in the very first ball. My dreams of hitting sixes and fours vanished

3) When i was in school,Mr and Mrs. Crow had targeted my Lunch Box more than a hundred times

4) I never had a girlfriend during my engineering days

5) My girlfriend during my MBA days ran away with her Boy friend.

6) I have scrapped Mr. Orkut, himself. But he never bothered to scrap me back. I guess he thought i was gay

7) My engineering room-mate, "Andrew"(name not changed cos of cruel intentions), used to sleep in my bed and i used to sleep in his bed.

8) I scored a centum in Tamil in my +2 Board exams.(100 out of 200)

9) My project was rejected in MBA.( I dun know why?)

10) If you are wondering why i added point number 7 in the unlucky list,I have to admit that Andrew had an habit of bed wetting.

This post is dedicated to Andrew.

-chronicwriter

Jun 11, 2003

3.The Brave Dreamer

Do you dream? or atleast have you saved anyone in your life? If not ,this inspirational story of mine would change ur life for ever.

I had my first dream when i was just two months old. I used to dream about Israel-Palestine peace talks and also about world peace. I was so worried about the humanitarianism that even in my dream i used to strive hard for a green world. My heart used to be so heavy during such dreams that i used to cry non-stop. My parents had a tough time taking care of their two month old son who was busy dreaming about world peace. I even used to wet my bed during such dreams ( The concept of wet dreams evolved from one such incident). I even used to wet my bed when i grew up. The burden for the society was of such high decree.

As days flew by, i became a dreamer and my dreams gained expertise and i started dreaming about biotechnology, sociology, genetic science, archeology, business administration and before long i celebrated my first birthday. The burden in my heart was so much that i did not even have enough power to blow the candles in my birthday cake. My mother helped her genius son( that is me) in blowing the candles.

Days went by and i was in School. I was in kindergarden. My dreams had a disastrous effect because of a girl called Renu. She was also so much concerned about the society , cos she always cried in class. What a pair, we made! She cried during the day time and i cried in my sleep. She had lovely blue eyes and a pint size nose that oozed out Phlegm cos her nostrils did not have a stopper. Her lips were like those sugar coated strawberries( Now! Don't u go into a dreamworld! she is mine!!ok ok.. she WAS mine.. atleast in my dreams).She was taller than me though. But does size matter? Her hair was as soft like the brush we used to clean our toilet. ( Am i describing her in a obscene manner? Glad that we did not have any sexual harassment policies in kindergarden)

Every love story should have a villain. In our case, the villain came in the form of Shabir. He was the hero of the class because he was the only one who can chew a chewing gum without swallowing it. The girls were amazed at his wonderful chewing gum-chewing abilities. He used to defeat me round and square in academics also. My vocabulary was so limited then. according to me "A was for Apple". But Shabir used to confuse everyone saying that A was for air-plane,Anaconda,Acracadabra and so on.

When we were using chalk pieces and black slate boards for writing , he was the first one to use a note book and a pencil. To cope up with the ever increasing competition, i bought my first note book and pencil. I never knew how to hold a pencil. But who cares , cos now i had half the class's attention. Shabir could not take it any longer. He grasped my pencil and broke it into two pieces. Such actions were considered to be an act of bravery. Renu fell in instant love with him. Now i wanted to show that i was one step ahead of him in the race. I started screaming at the top of my voice. My class teacher( on whom i developed an affection at a later point of time) rushed to the scene and instead of punishing him , she started thrashing my bum( cos possession of pencil in kindergarden was treated as a crime under the POTA kindergarden Act).Renu started avoiding me.

That night i had a dream. The whole school caught fire because of a cosmic explosion planned by Iraq and Iran. I started weeping cos i saw Renu caught between the flames. I ran as fast as my little feet could carry me and before long i was standing in front of the class. I opened the door with one powerful kick and searched for a fire extinguisher.

But i could not find one in the near by surroundings. That night before hitting bed i drank lots of water and as the water tank was full, i decided to save my Renu by extinguishing the fire using the only resource available at that time. I did not give a second thought and with in seconds, I was performing the extinguishing act. Suddenly some one hit me hard on my back and i woke up to see my angry dad, closing the refrigerator with parting words “ stop peeing in the refrigerator”

-Chronicwriter

Jun 10, 2003

2.The secret behind my winks

I think when i wink
- Robert Clive.

DISCLAIMER: All the information provided here are true to the best of my LITTLE knowledge. Any resemblance to any creature alive or dead is done with a purpose

Robert Clive winked at an Indian Babe in the post independance era . The local public were enraged by such an act and so they bashed him up and took him to the great freedom fighter Shri . Jai Manohar Kolkatta ,who happened to be the local panchayat head at that time and when Robert Clive was asked whether he had anything to say before his last breath, he uttered these words," I think when i wink".

These words entered the history books basically because of two reasons
1. Robert Clive escaped from being stoned to death
2. The City of calcutta was renamed as Kolkatta.

Jai Manohar Kolkatta incidently happens to be the greatest ever Independance hero the country has ever produced. Legend has its history that he was a martial arts exponent and was also the founder of the martial art form of Kung-Fu. But all his exploits were not published. The only book that has all the details about Kolkatta was discovered by my pet dog, "Bubbly", on 24-02-2004 in my back yard.

Flashback to 24-02-2004.

As Bubbly has a very good appetite unlike his master( his master happens to be me), he eats at will. and so nature calls him pretty often. And when ever nature calls him, Bubbly runs to the backyard and squarts like a true warrior and stands like Jackie Chan and performs the metabolic activity. The expression in Bubbly's face during his metabolic activity is almost similar to the expression that Kate Winslet gives in the movie, "Titanic" when ever she sees the man she is engaged to.The post- activity effort to cover-up the treasure is indeed a sight to see. Bubbly has this unique god given gift of covering point B when actually point A needs to be covered.

On that historic day, my pet dog Bubbly was performing his usual covering up act in the backyard . As he ate a lot that day, he had to do extra work for the covering up act;in the process he accidently dug a 14.23 feet long hole. Suddenly he stopped his covering up activity and started barking in C minor scale. That peculiar bark was a warning sound for his master(once again am reminding u all that I am his master). I ran to the backyard and what i saw really left me speechless.

Bubbly had this book in his mouth. I took the book from Bubbly and started reading it. The book had lots of controversies hidden in it.All pre Independance secrets were in that book. I had tears in my eyes. I turned around and saw Bubbly crying too. I wiped his tears with my hands and Bubbly tried wiping my tears with his paws,but i did not allow him to do so, cos he did not do the covering act properly and he still had some traces of metabolic proof on his paws..I winked at him and he winked at me...

-chronicwinker

Apr 13, 2003

1.GENDERal Science


Myth

Husband = man
Wife = woman

Disclaimer : The following article proves the above two equations wrong.

Those who are sure about their gender can continue reading...

Long Long ago , so long ago, when i was in class three, i attempted to master the art of copying in exams. As u all know that i was very innocent, i did not have the efficacy to carry out a malpractice successfully. I was caught by my biology teacher and she made me kneel down in front of the so called hot babes in my class. I still remember that day when Renu,Minu,sheena,reba,shyla, mahima,esther, ruth, mary and meena laughed at me. That was when i thought of taking revenge on my biology teacher.

Days flew by and soon i was in Class eight:

The same biOlogy teacher became my class teacher. Finally i got a chance to take revenge on her. The pain she took to teach us the GENDER differences urged me to ask more doubts( i was very innocent, u see). She managed her level best to clear most of my doubts,which inturn would provoke me ask serious innocent doubts. But just when i start thinking that i had the last laugh she will ask me a tricky question and i would finally end up kneeling down.The laughing and giggling from girls side will start as usual. I guess they were madly in love with me.

Days again started flying and today i ended up making the discovery of the century.!! i dunno if " the Noble prize academy" would recognise my discovery and award me the noble prize for works in english and biology. If you are thinking what my discovery is, i am not gonna confuse u any further. I'll go into the matter straight.My discoveryI opened a word document and typed the word wife. and out of curiosity, i checked the synonyms for the word WIFE. I have attached the answer here..



If u have any doubts , check it out.The meaning for the word wife, is husband.Either Bill Gates is wrong or my Biology teacher is wrong ( I have finally taken revenge on her)I do not mind even if one among the two is right, cos in both cases i will end up as the winner.(Renu,Minu,sheena,reba,shyla, mahima,esther, ruth, mary and meena... all u girls can laugh now)

will i get the Nobel prize ?

-Chronic(nobler)writer