May 26, 2016

792. Between Now and Forever - book cover review

These days every Tom,Beep and Harry who reads a book becomes a book reviewer. After reviewing a book, people end up giving 3 star or 4 star ratings. I have a friend who once gave a 3.65 rating for a book that he reviewed. As soon as I saw the rating I started laughing out loud. How on earth did he arrive at that 0.65? Verithanamaaana professional reviewer; it seems. 

Here I am going to a Book Cover review for a blog friend of mine. Just because she is a blog friend, I am not going to give 5 stars for the review. My daughter always asks me to draw stars in her hand with a sketch pen to encourage her. Sometimes I give her 5 stars and sometimes I end up giving her 3.65 star ratings (Inspired by my friend).


Let me now start reviewing the cover of Meera's book "Between Now and Forever".  My friend Kirthi thinks that BTW is the acronym for Between. Once when I told her that BTW stands for "By The Way" and it has nothing to do with Between, she blocked me on Facebook.  How ever she started checking my FB page from her husband's profile and made sure to point out typos and grammatical errors in my FB posts. So I blocked him on FB and started watching both their FB activities from my wife's FB ID. My wife noticed this and blocked both of them. 

The title font in the cover reminded me of Captain Vijaykanth in ukkira kobam when he faces Bagisdhan dheeviravaadhigal. Meera has strategically used that font to bring captain in front of our eyes. Check Captain's eyebrows and the word NOW. Meera has left a subliminally coded message in that word NOW. If the letter N is captain's right eyebrow; W - his left eyebrow, then the letter"O" is Captain's Netrikann.



Now let us move to the next part of the cover - the kissing couple. I was shocked to see that picture, not because they were kissing in the middle of the road; but because of their lack of responsibility towards life.

Why are they standing in the middle of the road to kiss? What will happen to them if a car or a truck hits them. They could have stood in the side of the road to kiss. This is where I started to read the short blurb in the back cover. "The Hero was responsible for the death of his pregnant girlfriend". He had already killed one girl and was he trying to kill the other girl too? That may be a reason for him kissing her in the middle of the road. The kissing scene probably takes place in Darjeeling where the hero is trying to do kasamusa with his second girlfriend. But in that case, the girl should have at least worn a full pant. Her legs are bare and she would be freezing. I am sure that this hero is such a sadist. I already hate him for torturing the girl like this.

Another important thing that I noticed from the picture was the unusual leg position of the heroine. Why was she raising her left leg while kissing? My pet dog Bubbly used to lift his left legs to pee. But I don't think the heroine is controlling her bladder here. May be Meera has hidden the crux of the story here. When I read the book I will expound that secret.

While looking at this picture, I could not control my tears. It reminded me of my Darjeeling girlfriend. I have already written about her here [link]. This is my analysis of the book based only on the front cover. I have lots to say about the back cover too; but as the author is an English teacher, I will stop here. 

I will read this book and write a detailed review in my FB page. Till then you can all stay peacefully. BTW, can you guys please rate my review?

-Chronicwriter.

May 25, 2016

791. We are Engineers Da! We can solve anything - Climax

Click this [link] to read the first part.
I still have no clue on what made us think that we were computer experts. But just 5 minutes after Edwin had uttered those golden words " Machi, we are Engineers da. We can solve anything", we had actually opened the CPU tower. We thought that by opening the tower we would have us access to the CD. But only when we opened it , did we realize that the CD was still inside the CD player. 

Andrew: Machi! I guess if we unscrew the CD player from the slot, we could open the CD player
Edwin: Yes that's what we should do. Use this star screw driver

Even after the CD player was removed from the slot, the CD was still intact inside the player. In our enthusiasm, we failed to realize that we had also unplugged certain cards, chords and wires from the PC board. 

Edwin used the screw driver in the CD slot and to make matters worse the slot gave up and finally broke. We looked at each other with pain-stricken faces. I was almost in tears. I suggested that we leave that place and head back to hostel. But Edwin was adamant on not leaving without the CD. At this juncture power was restored. If only we had waited for the power to come back, all this would not have happened. We connected the wires and switched on the CPU and to our dismay the computer would not boot. 

In a fit of rage, Edwin broke open the CD player and took his CD. We left the place and went back to our hostel. The next morning when we went to college, the computer lab was crowded with people. The college director, all the professors and even the local MLA and police was there in the computer lab.


Edwin started to to talk Gibberish
Andrew was frozen but did not show it outside
I peed in my pants. 

The Director called all the students to assemble in front of the computer lab in the big cricket ground. He came to the parapet wall near the computer lab door and looked at us. It resembled a scene from the movie Gladiator where all the Gladiators were in the Colosseum trying to save their lives with Caesar watching them from the stands.

He asked all the day scholars and the girls to go to their respective classes. So out of 160 students in our batch, almost 120 of them went to the classes. The 40 hostelers from the boys hostel were now standing in front of him. He then called 10 of those guys to come forward and he gave that "Neenga ellam adhukku sari pattu varamaateenga expression" and asked them to go to their respective classes too.

So 30 of us were now left in the ground and all 3 of us who were involved in the breaking act were also there. We were shocked by his filtering skills. He then asked all the students from AP to go back to the classes. Only 12 of us remained in the ground. 

Then he asked 6 students to come forward. Edwin was among the 6. Andrew and I were not there in the list. He asked them to come up to the first floor. The police official was standing next to him. They spoke to the six students for some 5 minutes and let them go back to their classrooms. 

Andrew and I looked at each other with shock and disbelief thinking how Edwin could go back to the class room without getting caught. We started talking to each other and the Police official saw us discussing. Immediately we were summoned up to the class room. We knew it was over. So Andrew and I decided to surrender. At the same time we decided to surrender along with Edwin. We fell flat on the floor and started pleading to forgive us. We also told Edwin was also involved in the act. Edwin was immediately asked to bring that CD.

When he brought the CD back, the director checked the CD in the big VCD player in his room. It could not get any worse for us because the first image that appeared on the screen was this visual and to make matters worse, the movie stopped playing.


Director : Are you guys watching porn in college?
We: No sir, that's Hey Ram movie. Kamal and Rani Mukherjee 
Director: Don't play the fool here.

We received some solid advice on life and a long lecture on philosophy and how to control sexual desires. We also went through a counselling session from one of our college counselors. We were also suspended from college for ten days, in addition to paying a huge fine. 

When we came back to our college, we had a new nick name. Our batch mates started calling us the porn stars. The lady professors stopped looking at us face to face and our college girls kept a safe distance from us. But things became normal as days went by.

16 years have gone after this incident and recently when I went to a college to give an inspirational talk  ( which I do from time to time), my laptop stopped working. A student came to me and told that he can help me repair the laptop. He spent some time with the laptop and in ten minutes time the laptop started working fine. 

Me: What stream are you studying here?
He: Mechanical sir
Me: Then how did you manage to repair a very complicated problem in my lap top?
He: Sir! We are Engineers and we can do anything.

Avanoda confidence enakku romba pudichurundhuchu

- Chronicwriter

May 13, 2016

790. We are Engineers Da! We can solve anything - Part 1

This is a story from my Engineering college days.


Time: Summer of 2000

Characters

1) Edwin: BE 2nd year - Electrical and Electronics major

2) Andrew: BE 2nd year - Electronics and Communications major

3) Chriz (Me): BE 2nd year - Electronics and Instrumentation major

This incident happened 16 years ago. Back then, none of us knew that all 3 of us would be working in IT firms in 2016; nothing to do with our core majors. But who cares? Engineering days gave us great memories in college.

In our college there were four departments

1) EEE - This was like the mechanical department of other engineering colleges. The terror boys of our college were from this department. The department boasted of some of the best singers, dancers and sportsmen; but it did not have a single studious student. You can't find a single proper looking girl in this department. Our Edwin is from this department

2) ECE - This department had an equal balance of girls and boys. It was not the best department in college. But it had the best lecturers in our college. Andrew belonged to this department.

3) CSE - The department of the babes. The poshest babes and the cool dudes belonged to this department. So the rest of the department boys would be found loitering around the CSE class rooms all the time. None of our friends were from this department because we were not the cool dudes of the college. We were the local boys

4) EIE - Even till now I do not know why this department exists in the first place. After 4 years of being in this department, I have not figured out if this stream of engineering has anything to do with Instrumentation engineering or electronics engineering. I really do not know. But I survived there

Story


Edwin, Andrew and I were always fascinated by the computer lab in our college. Because none of us had the privilege to sit in front of computers and do cool stuff in the lab. When we walked past the computer lab, we would take a peep into the lab and see the babes in our college staring at the screens (Little did we know that we would be doing the same thing in 16 years time)

The labs we were exposed to had lathes, breadboards and multi-meters. We hated them and hence always longed to enter the computer lab. Those were the days when movies started coming in VCD format. The computer lab had a couple of computers with CD players. As we 3 were hostel mates, we decided to watch movies in those computers at night time.

Breaking into the computer lab was not an easy joke. There were only two ways to enter the computer lab

1) Through the computer lab main door
2) Through the sliding window of the lab

There is no way one could enter through the main door unless and until it is opened with a key. But entering through the sliding window was easy. All we had to do was use a small screwdriver to slide the window and enter the lab.

So one night after the dinner time was over, we 3 slipped out of the hostel and entered the computer lab. We made sure not to switch on the lights inside the lab as it would alert the watchman who walks around the college campus at nights.

Edwin had a "Hey Ram" CD in his hand. The movie was a new release and we were crazy fans of Illayaraja. We covered the window with a bed sheet so that light doesn't go out. We played the movie and started enjoying it and just when KamalHassan was about to bite Rani Mukherjee, the power went off.

All 3 of us did not know what to do, because when power outage happened in our college in the night, it would not be restored till morning. Our CD was inside the CD player and the name "Edwin" was written on the CD. So we decided to remove the CD.

But how would it be possible when there is no power?

Edwin suddenly said : Machi, we are Engineers da. We can solve anything

Andrew: But none of us are computer engineers

Prason: So what? We can at least try

We should not have had the above conversation; because the incidents that followed are still giving us nightmares.

To be continued in part 2

- Chronicwriter

May 12, 2016

789. Captain Vijaykanth will win the elections

People make fun of Captain and create memes stating that he is a drunkard and a comedian. But I believe that he is not. Some say that his behavior resembles withdrawal symptoms. I don't believe that too. He is in a league of his own. He has joined hands with Vaiko who has finally found out that he is a farmer (Vaiko has started wearing a green turban to stamp his identity).

Captain Vijaykanth was interviewed by Prannoy Roy of NDTV. Neither Prannoy nor Captain understood each other in that interview. But that interview stands a testimony for captain's analysing skills.

Captain calls Jayalalitha as his villi. The spirit of Padayappa and Neelambari has entered Captain and Jaya according to our Captain. The following image is screen clipped from the interview.


A few observations from the interview revealed that Captain is angry that Amma is not looking at him. It seems that she does not look at him eye to eye. This reminds me of a girl in my school. I forgot her name. But she never looked at me in the eye. She is married now and has named her son as Chriz. 

One thing that stunned me was Captain's usage of the word "Humbug". This is a man who struggles to even say the words "Young" and " Heart" in english. At first I thought he did not know the meaning of the word Humbug. 


But when I saw the interview carefully, I understood that he exactly knew the right meaning for that word. It also made me think of that famous Hamburger scene from the movie Pink Panther.

With many political parties in the fray with many not even having a clear idea or a mandate, many memes creators are having a ball. Gone were the days when people used to get angry talking about politics. These days a majority of the social media driven crowd have learnt to take all these memes in a funny manner. But still there are caste, language, creed freaks who still play dirty politics.

So will Captain become the CM of Tamilnadu? You and I know that this is a page which has satire as the main building block. 

Who am I gonna vote? I definitely support a Dravidian party in this elections. I did not vote for them in the previous elections. I am voting for that party not because I want to see a change in the state through them. I would rather bring a change in my locality by planting trees around my house. If you have read till the end, I would ask you to plant a tree in your compound and outside the compound this weekend.

-Chronicwriter

May 10, 2016

788. Get a 6 pack body in 6 weeks

For those who have traveled with me in my bodybuilding journey, would know the struggles and hardships I have gone through in chiseling every single muscle in my body.

Six packs has become a must have for every man these days. Girls have added this requirement as a prerequisite when they hunt for a guy.

Guy's who have a pout and who are couch potatoes would have developed unwanted masses in unwanted places in their body. For all such souls, this post will be of great help.

I have struggled hard to get 6 packs for the last 6 years. But over the years, I have learnt one thing - the art of getting a six pack in the best possible way.

Here I present to you a simple and effective way that you can follow to get a 6 pack in 6 weeks. You don't have to lift weights or alter your diet big time. All you have to do is alter your daily routine a little bit and believe me; in just 6 weeks, you will have a great body.

Water intake: Every human being should have 8 hours sleep in a day. So a human being will be awake for 16 hours in a day. If a man drinks, one glass of water (250 ml) every one hour he is awake, then he would have consumed 250 ml X 16 = 4 liters of water in a day. This helps the body to have the right fluids in the body at regular intervals. The chances of dehydration becomes zero. Do this for 6 continuous weeks

Sleep time: Sleep for 8 hours a day. Make sure that you get enough sleep everyday

Exercise: Do abs exercises everyday (Morning - 15 minutes and evening 15 minutes). This would do.

Lead a normal life. If you follow the above three, your daily routine will change drastically. You will not spend unwanted time on many things that zap in your time and energy. In 6 weeks, you will have 6 packs.

If you do not get 6 packs in 6 weeks; try again for another 6 weeks. Even if you do not get 6 packs, you would have an amazing routine in your day to day life. If you insist on getting a 6 pack body, you can always use Photoshop. If you find it difficult, I can help you. But it does come with a price

- Chronicwriter

Apr 27, 2016

787. Be like Virutchagakanth

This post will be understood only by Tamil movie lovers who have watched the movie Kaadhal.

Meet Mr Virutchagakanth.



He has the sleekness of Thala Ajith, charisma of Rajni and versatility of Kamalhassan



He does not own a mobile phone. He only has a PP number. His is the epitome of simplicity. He believes in the coupling effect of astrology and astronomy as his name Virutchagam is  based on astronomical science. He has clarity on what he wants to become in life. He aims for the top. He aspires and respires to succeed. He does not go behind petty pleasures in life. He is goal oriented.

He respects his mentors; he does not allow his talents to give him headweight. He is grounded.


BE LIKE VIRUTCHAGAKANTH

- Chronicwriter

Apr 19, 2016

786. Thooki adichuduvein paathukko - A cricketer in the making

Being in the IT world, I sit in front of the lap top all through the day. The occasional tea, lunch and loo breaks are the only means by which I move my butt out of the seat. If you happen to see the chair in office, it will have my butt impression. Last week I got a call from a colleague of mine from another cabin.

"Hi Chriz! Do you play cricket?"

"Yes! Roland. I have played cricket in college. But now it has been a long time"

" It's the same case with all of us. Join our team. You will be in the playing XI of the marketing team"

" Oh well! I can run fast and I used to be a leg break bowler back in college. But that was 13 years ago"

"That's not a problem. You are the fastest runner in our team. So you never know"

After he disconnected the call, I saw the mail. The team member list was sent to me. We would be representing our team in the inter corporate cricket tournament. I was given the one down position in batting and the number one spin bowling option for the team. 

Yes! I can still run fast and I am brisk. But it has been a decade since I properly held a cricket bat. I had not played street cricket too in the last ten years. Then suddenly a thought hit me; " Am I selected as a ball boy to collect all the strayed balls?" 

Here we are, a bunch of people in their mid thirties still thinking as though we could play cricket like some teenagers. But then we looked at Pravin Tambe, Brad Hogg and thought to ourselves, "If they could, why not us?"

Preparation for the cricket matches

They say, that practice makes perfect. My team mates were not willing to practice. But I did not want to be like them. I wanted to inject cricketing blood back into my veins to draw inspiration.

So I switched ON the TV, to watch Natchathira circket played by cine stars. There were no one to watch the match from the stands. I watched the match and got batting tips from Surya and bowling tips from his brother Karthi.

Surya's batting skills reminded me of the great Sir Viv Richards. He was given a glorious entry into the cricketing field. His smile after a golden duck was a reflection of his cool nature. If Virat Kohli had got out the very first ball, he would have used MC and BC cuss words. But Surya taught me how to take everything in a sportive manner. Watch this video to see Surya's amazing batting skills


After watching the video, I called some of the girls I know and asked them if they could also dance like this when I make an entrance into the cricketing field. All of them turned down this golden opportunity. If you want to grab this opportunity, just comment in the comments section with a Yes.

After honing my batting skills, I wanted to get some tips on spin bowling. So I watched some videos of Anil Kumble. That's when I realised that Anil Kumble was actually a medium pace bowler. So I tried to learn the art of spin bowling by watching natchathira cricket. To my luck, actor Karthi took the ball and started to bowl. Each and every ball that he bowled spun a mile. The batsmen could not even touch the ball. I have never seen such a spinner in my entire life. If BCCI had seen his performance, he would have been immediately selected for the Indian cricket team. Watch this video



Have you seen such a bowling performance in your life? Now with my fielding and bowling skills polished, I am looking forward for the match.

I have given an idea to my team mates that we will be using theme music when each batsmen make their entry into the ground to bat (just like the WWE theme song for the wrestlers).

The theme audio they have selected for me is "Thooki adichuduvein paathukko". I will be uploading photos and videos of the match soon.

To read my college cricket playing days experience, click here [ link ]

- Chronicwriter

Apr 12, 2016

785. Life goals - A picture throws me back to my college days



Ten truths about this photo

1) Either the photographer  (Anterson Antony) or I must have been under the influence of alcohol when this photo was clicked. The slant frame is a testimony for that. This picture was clicked with a 8 mega pixel Nikon camera. During those days an 8 MP picture was supposed to be HD.

2) The suit that is hanging above my head in the picture is still intact. That's the only stuff from this picture that is still left  with me.

3) The get to know yourself poster behind me changed the way I approached life. It also helped me to know myself better. The poster was left behind in that room to inspire my juniors.

4) Those two books that are standing on the table are financial accounting and cost accounting books. That is one subject I still don't have a clue of how I cleared the exam. Even today I do not know where to debit and where to credit.

5) I am not wearing a shorts or a pant in this picture. If you try to zoom in for evidence your eyes will become nollai.

6) The blue bag that is lying on the bed has been a hiding place for thousands of movie CDs, and food items during my college days.

7) The pickle bottle in the shelf behind me was my mother's work of art. Every hostel would have a guy like me with a pickle bottle.

8) I am wearing my roomie Joseph pius's glasses. That is to get the geek look.

9) I am not hooked onto the mobile because smart phones had not come into India in a big way back then. I did not have to be in WhatsApp groups as a participant or an admin. I talked with people face to face. I did not have to be removed from WhatsApp groups like this. I did not have to read crap news papers like ToI too. I did not have to read news like this


Toiler Paper of India- as it is popularly called also comes from the same prestigious Economic Times family. Not sure how the same group hires journalists for one paper and porn reviewers for another paper they produce.


10) I was 23 years old when this photo was clicked ( It is a 11 year old photo). The solace is I have not aged much in the last 11 years. The mustache has disappeared. Oh yeah! Today is my 34th birthday. Happy birthday to me. 16 more to hit 50.

Lot of things to achieve in life.

-Chronicwriter

Mar 18, 2016

784. Step by Step tutorial of Mars Attack

When ISRO had their successful Mars Mission in 2014, I came up with a brilliant art form called "Mars Attack" in my world famous art blog. Click this [link] to see the world famous artwork that was sold for USD 420,000.

People around the globe wanted to know how I came up with such a brilliant art. I kept it as a secret. But I can't keep this as a secret. For the friends with benefit of the readers, I am going to reveal the step by step process of creating this art.

Step 1: Open MS Paint and draw three lines as shown in the picture below. The smallest line should have a curve that resembles Tamanna's iduppu.


Step 2: Now put an inverted cone icecream (sans the icecream, because ice urugidum) on top of this dappa that you drew in step 1.  Add cones in two colors. One sumaal cone and Big cone.


Step 3: Now patha vachufy some neruppu in Tamanna's iduppu to give the aduppu effect. The rocket is ready to be launched



Step 4: Now you have to give the destination clearly. So use paintbrush and draw the word "Mars". The destination is very important



Step 5: Give the Zrrrrr effect for the rocket to be propelled out into space.


The Zrrrrrr effect is mandatory for escape velocity. This is 10th standard physics subject unearthed from my varalaaru.



The art work is ready. You can send me emails and females to prason@chronicwriter.com as a note of thanks for this tutorial.

Bharat Mata Ki Jai! (Idhu sollalanaa ulla thooki pottuduvaanga)

Additional edited Note: Meera Shiva asked me how Tamanna's iduppu could be related to this post. For the benefit of readers who have such a doubt, I am attaching Tamanna's iduppu picture 



- Chronicwriter

Mar 16, 2016

783. Kids say the darndest things

Warning: Though this post is about kids, it has some content that talk explicitly about private parts. If you are not comfortable reading explicit usage of private parts, please don't read this post.



I am a sucker for the Art Linkletter/ Bill Cosby show "Kids say the darndest things". I guess all of us love to listen to what kids have to say. I have a 3 and a half year old daughter who surprises me all the time by saying the funniest and weirdest things all the time.  The Bill Cosby show is adapted into Tamil also where Imman Annachi does a decent show with the kids. Kids are adorable and at times they are dangerous too. Last week a child shot his own mother from the rear. We never know what they would say or do. These points mentioned in this post is a testimony of how dangerous these kids are.


1) Never ever make funny faces at kids in a shopping mall. The kid might spit on your face.

2) When the kid is sitting on an elevated platform, never go and stand closer to the kid and tease them. If they kick, chances are that they might kick you right between your legs where it hurts.

3) While sitting close to a kid in a bench in a public place like a play ground or a place of worship, never ever fart (even silently). The kid might shout out loud saying "This uncle just let out a fart".

4) When a kid has a stone in his hand, you should respect him. You would not want the kid to hurl the stone at your car windshield.

5) When he parks his tricycle in the middle of the road blocking your car, you are supposed to request him to move the cycle. If you plan to take matters into your own hands, by moving the tricycle without seeking permission from the kid, chances are that you might never find answer to the sudden appearance of scratches on your car door.

6) Home alone and Baby's day out are not children movies. They are dangerous movies and they should be banned. My daughter watched Home alone, the other day and the house is now full of traps.

The above 6 points are personally tried and tested by me.

Now let me take time to share some of the funny stories narrated by some of my friends.

7) Minal Kusum, a FB friend of mine has the following information about her son

My 4 year old was in the shower and yelled, "MOM! I found my brains!" while squeezing his testicles.

8) Lisa Wells shares her story

My husband was in the shower, and our (then 3yr old) daughter had to go pee. I told her to go ahead and go. When she was done, she flung open the shower curtain to tell daddy something, he screams a little high pitched scream and pulled the shower curtain shut, and told her to get out. She comes out, looks at me very seriously, and says "mommy, I saw daddy's penis. It was huge!" She then spent the rest of the day telling any one and every one "my daddy has a huge penis!" So. Embarrassing

9) Melanie Mayer who works in the day care shares the following story
I work in daycare and a 2 year old was very interested in breasts because his mother was nursing a new baby. After telling me I had "nice big boobies" and I said "oh thanks" (because I didn't know what else to say lol) he looked at me and said, "Are they for feeding all the babies over there?"
Like I was the daycare wet nurse lol

10) My cousin told me the funniest conversation she had with her then 5 year old son:

 "mom, if i have a penis in the front, then the back must be my poonis, right?" lol Genius really. I love how little mind work.

11) Kids imitate and just copy everything from elders. Vera Pol a 28 year old mother of a 2 year old boy has some interesting stuff to share
My 2yr old heard the shower turn off he asked if I was finished having a shower I said yes he said "Mum, did you wash your balls"

12) My Chinese friend Amy Young has this funny incident to share
We took my niece to the beach when she was 2 and she removed her bathing suit and diaper while my back was turned. My 5 year old son said " look mom she is showing her fine china". Later after I thought about it I figured out he meant vagina.

13) Kristie, a pen pal has this funny story to share
My daughter was 7 when her new baby brother was born and when his belly button fell off she pointed to his wee and asked "when is that gonna fall off" hahahaha

-Chronicwriter