The Complete Humor man since 1982

Aug 29, 2014

On 8/29/2014 | By Chriz



The picture defines my six months stay in Chennai in the year 2003 for my Engineering project work. Ever since I watched the movie Alaipayuthey during my college days, my dream was to go to Chennai and fall in love with a girl in the railway station.

After coming to Chennai , I had spent many days in the same spot where Madhavan is standing in the above picture. I have the same red T shirt and Black Jean trousers and a coolers that I bought for Rs 100. But not even a single girl turned her attention towards me at that time.



The movie Alaipayuthey was a cult hit at that time and all of us wanted to be like Madhavan. We all knew "The love proposal scene" by heart. But I never had the guts to do what he did there. I stayed in Tambaram and every evening I would board the train from Tambaram railway station. 

Her name was Neelima. She used to board the train from Chrompet station. That's how I figured out that she was a student of MIT college in Chrompet. I would see her getting into the same compartment everyday and made sure that I was also in the same compartment that she got in. 

The first few days, she did not even notice me. But as she was smart, she found out that I was following her everyday. Some days I will hide in the compartment and she would search for me and aftersome time I would emerge out from no where and give a supposedly romantic smile at her and she would put her face down. 

One day, I gathered up all courage and went and stood near her. She got scared a little bit. I was among the very few people who had a mobile phone in 2003. I took the mobile phone and showed off. I knew I got the attention I needed. I played some ring tones  ( monotones) and she enjoyed it.

Soon it became an every day habit for me to stand next to her. She would smile at me and I would smile at her. But I did not gather any courage to speak to her. I would play the Snake game on my mobile phone and she will watch me play the game over my shoulder.

"Can I also play?", I heard that sweet voice caressing my ear drums and that floored me and the next minute, my mobile phone was in her hands and she started to play using the mobile phone. When I came back to reality I decided to talk with her.

"What is your name?"

"Neelima and yours?"

"Chriz! What do you do?"

" 2nd year CSE at MIT. What about you?"

" Final year EIE from Pondicherry. I am here in Chennai for my final year project"

"Wow. That's nice. Project?"

"Yes, Project in Nungabbakam. Where do you stay?"

" I stay in Egmore Police Quarters "

Is she a Police man's daughter? I had shivers down my spine. I went silent. She gave me "Why so silent look" and said "My Dad is the SP of Chennai". This was the precise moment I literally peed in my pants. My alter ego told me not to get too intimidated by what she said. 

I closed my eyes and imagined what and all would happen if her dad catches me. I felt someone patting my shoulder. I still kept my eyes closed.  "Is Neelima touching my shoulder?". I felt so good. I still kept my eyes closed hoping she would touch me again. Suddenly she Kissed me on my cheeks. I was shocked and opened my eyes.

What I saw petrified me to the core. I was surrounded by three eunuchs and one of them said, "Why are you acting as if you are sleeping. Give us money". Out of fear, I immediately gave them some money. I looked to my left and Neelima started to laugh at me. When the eunuchs left the place, she said ,"Anna, You are so lucky". That was a heartbreaking statement for me because she called me Anna (Brother in Tamil). I took the mobile phone from her hands and got down at the next station and walked away slowly with tears in my eyes.

It has been 11 years now and even now when I travel in an electric train, I remember that incident as if it happened just yesterday. The Eunuchs still terrorise us even today. I do not know what happened to Neelima. I never saw her again.

- Chronicwriter

Aug 22, 2014

On 8/22/2014 | By Chriz
If you do not understand Tamil, you might misinterpret the post title and relate it to LIFE OF PI. Let me make it simple for you. Kaakaa Pi in tamil translates to Crow Shit. If you are giving that dirty stare and thinking "Why would this idiot have to write an article on this topic?", I assure you that there is a reason behind this post.

My friend Anjali pinged me and said "Hey Chriz! I dare you to write a post on the title I give you".

I was confused for sometime on what she had in mind because of one reason - she is crazier than me and she does weird things that you would even scare to dream of. Now if you are gonna search my FB friend list for Anjali, let me assure you that I have changed her name on purpose. I took her challenge. She gave me three topics for blogging. I am supposed to write on all 3 topics. The first topic she gave was "Kaakaa Pi". I will try to maintain decency, dignity and decorum while attempting to write on such a dangerous topic.

Kaakaa Pi

Kaakaa (Crow) is the most populous and popular bird in India. It can be found everywhere across the country.

You can find a kaakaa in the poorest of poor slums in the country and also in the house of Ambani.

Statistics reveal that every human being above the age of 3 in India has been a victim of Kaakaa Pi.

The crows have covered the largest land mass across the country in shitting space. We will analyse strategically about the biological activity of crows in this post.

1.Kaakaa Pi in tiffin boxes

Every school student in India would have had the experience of receiving a surprise kaakaa pi in their tiffin boxes during their lunch time. Many of us have even tasted kaakaa pi by mistake thinking that we are eating pickle or thovayal ( a coconut based side dish).

Crows have the knack and aim of correctly dropping their magic portions inside the tiffin boxes. The children of today are missing this great gift mainly because there are no trees in schools these days and children seldom sit under a tree to have their lunch.

2.Kaakaa Pi on National leaders

Kaakaa's have the audacity and courage to shit on the statues of National leaders. In India ,you can't find a single statue without a stamp of authority from the rear side of a crow. Human beings can never even think about doing this. It is a crime to do such an activity on the statues of national leaders and if anyone does that , they will land up in jail.

3.Kaakaa Pi on cars.

Anyone who owns a car, would have wiped kaakaa Pi from their car windshields. If you own a car in India and if your car has not been blessed with love marks of a crow, it should be a miracle of sorts.

4.Kaakaa Pi on heads.

Crows have the amazing ability to aim right at our heads too. If a crow shits on your head, just add a little water to it and ruffle your hair. It would act as a wonderful hair gel that is far better than any hair gels you will find in the market.

If you are wondering why the crow in the picture is so fat, let me tell you that she has a full tummy and she is just about to do her magic. Believe me it is a crow and not a black pigeon.

-Chronicwriter

If you are not following Chronicwriter on Facebook, it is time that you liked his page. For every like on his page he will get more inspiration to write more and more. Click here ( link ) to like Chronicwriter on Facebook. [ Eppadiyellam Like vaanguradhukku kenja vendi irukudhu]
On 8/22/2014 | By Chriz
Cricket is a game that flows in the blood, veins, mind, soul, urine and tears of Indians. We are the same people who will say that we should give equal importance to other sports; but during the IPL season, we ditch all the other sports for our game. Dog's tail cannot be straightened. 

Usually boys love the game of cricket a lot more than girls. But in the recent past, the girls have also shown a lot of interest in the game of cricket. The reason for boys liking the game more than girls (generalisation) is explained in this post.

It all goes back to our school days. Every Indian school boy automatically becomes a cricket expert during their school time. I was introduced to book cricket when I was in class 3. When I was in class 6 , I had become a book cricket expert. The rules of the game was simple. We had to close the book and open it . The number that appears is the run scored by the person who opens the book. We are supposed to just look at the even number pages. 2,4,6 equated to the runs scored by the player. If 8 appears, it is taken as 1 run. Zero is the dreaded number and when ever a person opens a page that had zero, it means that the batsman is out. 

My science book was the most sought after book in the whole class. It was fine tuned so that only 4s and 6s get opened when I play with it. When I play, I will usually have an audience around me. Everytime a batsman scored a century, they would applaud and I would raise my book in the air. I made it sure that Sachin always scored a century. To add tension to the people around me, I would score just ones once Sachin reaches the ninety mark. Then when he reaches 99, I will hit a huge six and everyone would erupt in joy. One day my science teacher "DCM" saw me playing book cricket and he confiscated the book and asked me to buy another science book. I lost form and completely lost touch with the new book. 

After a few months, DCM gave that book to me. I had no great interest in science. But that book made me love science more than anything. Even during the examinations, I was able to remember the answers for the questions based on the page numbers. In page 186, the answer for ions was found in the bottom left paragraph. I still remember that page 66 was all about germination of seeds. Page 126 had details about biotic and abiotic organisms. In fact cricket helped  me a lot in educating me about science. I preserved that book for a long time. When I moved to college in 1999, my folks cleaned my bookshelf and with that my favourite science book also disappeared.

RIP - Class VI science book. ( 1992-1999)

-Chronicwriter
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Aug 20, 2014

On 8/20/2014 | By Chriz
One day I will die
I don't know how that would be.

It might be an accident; a peaceful one in sleep; a murder or a natural disaster
I don't know how that would be

When my body is laid to rest, would I look handsome?
I don't know how I would look.

Some may cry; Some may be happy; many might not even know that I am gone
I don't know how that would be

My loved ones might be around my body; They would be talking about me; Many would lie and say all good things about me. At the same time there would be people who would say, "Good riddance"
I don't know how that would be

I have come across different people in my life. I have helped a few; I have been a pain for many. Have befriended many; Unfriended a few. Friends are many and foes are there too. But when I am gone, would I still leave a scar in your heart?

This post might be heavy; I am not the only one who is gonna die. You will die too. 

When you are alive, have you brought happiness to someone? That's the sole reason for the existence of  this blog. 

I am sure it would have made someone smile at some part of their lives. 

Some posts might not have had the humour touch.; but still I strive to make someone in some part of the world to forget their sadness and smile. If you are planning to do something today, do it today. Don't postpone it. Pick that phone and reconcile with that someone with whom you have not spoken.

Life is Short.
Keep Smiling.
Spread the Smiles.


- Chronicwriter
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Aug 14, 2014

On 8/14/2014 | By Chriz
This is one week when the entire Nation goes patriotic. People are changing their profile pictures to the Indian National flag in social networking sites. 

Arnab Gowsami is searching for a patriotic topic and Indian cricket team are getting ready for yet another hammering from the British as a punishment for winning one test match in this series.

I remember getting goosebumps when ever I listen AR Rahman's Vandematram. 

The last time, the whole country listened to that song was in the 2011 world cup final after the 42nd over when Dhoni was chasing down SriLanka's huge score. The other times 

I get patriotic is when ever the vande matram tone goes on when some one puts a reverse gear on their car.

I like Independence day when it does not fall on a saturday or a sunday. That is when I feel the real effect of Independence in my veins.

List of people who crib about Independence day

There are some people on Facebook who are posting status messages that they will celebrate Independence day only when men stop raping women. 

There were some other people who posted messages saying that they will celebrate Independence day only when they can walk down the street naked without any man making any crude remark on them. 

There are some men who post messages saying that they lost independence ever since they got married. These are the morons. In the name of Comedy they put soora mokkais, just like how the author of this page is running this blog for the last few years.

For such people I would request the Government to declare a working day on August 15th for them. 

I am gonna have a holiday and watch Roja for the 21st year in a row on Doordarshan. Go and celebrate your independence and freedom of speech. Go and pick up fights with people on FB, pee on the streets and terrorise women.

-Chronicwriter

Aug 13, 2014

On 8/13/2014 | By Chriz
This is not an exaggeration of any kind. The content of this post is the truth and nothing but the truth. These are the following steps that should be followed by people if you have to drive or ride in Indian roads.

1. The helmet is not for your protection. It is a device that is worn on the head to avoid paying bribe to the traffic police

2. The traffic signals are some colour lights that hang on some poles in some road junctions. Some work and some don't. It does not matter even if it works or not. You have to obey the traffic signal rules only if there is a traffic police standing there.

3. If you are caught by the traffic police for not following the traffic rules, you have to scare them by telling them that you are the third cousin of the sister's son of the Municipality Counsellor of the 43rd ward in your constituency. The traffic constable will immediately shit in his pants and let you go.

4. Three people on a bike is not allowed in the 50 meters radius of the nearest traffic police. When you see a traffic police, the third person on the bike should get down from the bike, walk the 50 metres and again climb the bike when the bike is well clear of the traffic police.

5. Three people in a bike is allowed, if all the three people are girls. Women empowerment indeed.

6. The Bribe is cheaper than the penalty (fine)

7. Anyone who overtakes you is your enemy.

8. Cussing is the official language to converse with a fellow person in the traffic lane when you and him come face to face.

9. Ladies can drive on the right side of the road facing the oncoming traffic.

10. If you have an L board on your car, it means you are dangerous to the vehicles in 10 metre radius.

11. Ambulance is a vehicle that should find its own way. You are not supposed to give way to the ambulance.

12. The Bigger the car you drive, the bigger should be your ego. Otherwise you fall under the sissy category.

13. During rainsy season, you should splash mud on the pedestrians. It is a game they enjoy so much.

14. You can get a driving license even if you do not know to drive. Don't ask me how!

15. When some rider on the road shows their super ego on the road, you should overtake them and stop your vehicle and fight with them by blocking the entire traffic.

If you think all these 15 points are lies, then please feel free to snub me

- Chronicwriter.

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Aug 11, 2014

On 8/11/2014 | By Chriz
This morning I was staring at the India map for a long time. I don't know why I did that. It might be because of the fact that this is the week when every Indian is supposed to get extra patriotic. There are some friends who are sending me messages on my FB inbox asking me to change my profile picture to the Indian national flag. This is also the time of the year when Indian abuse Pakistanis in youtube comments to show the nationalistic feelings. 

When I was looking at the Indian map, I also chanced upon all the neighbouring countries of India. Suddenly I started picturing India as a human being and the imagination just ran wild. The following pictures will illustrate to the readers oh how my imagination went wild. Remember this is my 666th post and hence this post indeed will be a post that will spread ill effect on other countries.My readers from other countries are requested to bear with me. No hard feelings. (Neenga kochikitaalum naan kandukka maatein)

India is indeed surrounded by evil countries

Pakistan and China



Burma


Nepal


Bangladesh


Sri Lanka


-Chronicwriter

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Jul 30, 2014

On 7/30/2014 | By Chriz
Ignore all the grammatical errors in this conversation. The author is not responsible for the mistakes. Any resemblance to any human being living or dead is purely accidental. 


- Chronicwriter

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