Jul 29, 2016

799. The beautiful sister

Facebook suggested me this ad in my timeline. It irked me for many reasons

It was an ad where a beautiful girl's picture was shown. I first thought that it should be a cosmetic ad.

But then I saw the word "Gift your sister". This made me wild. How can the advertising brand call her my sister?

That totally put me off. This is the same thought that would have hit all the men who saw this ad.

The second thing that caught my attention was that this pendant that was advertised in the ad was labelled as "Jewellery for women safety". 

It doe not have a pepper spray, nor does it have a laser gun attached to it. In that case, how on earth would it give women an assurance of safety.

To make matters worse, the pendant is long and is strategically placed between the girl's breasts. Is that a safety mechanism? I don't know. May be safety experts might know it best. 

I came to know that the pendant almost weighs 200 grams. With such a heavy pendant, those girls who wear the chain will develop spondylitis.

Verdict: This ad is a big fail for all the men

The word Raksha Bhandhan always gives me nightmares. And advertisements like this make it an unpleasant experience for me

Read my post exclusively written for guys on how to run away from girls on Raksha Bhandan [Link]. 

Read this post that talks about the different types of Annas you will come across on Raksha Bhandan [link]

- Chronicwriter

Jul 19, 2016

798. How to be a good writer

My friend pinged me on Facebook and asked me "Chriz! What should I do to be a good writer?"


That one pop up message on my FB messenger is the reason behind this post. The word Good is highly subjective. What's good for me may not be good for others. I consider a certain IIM grad writer as a good writer because he is a great storyteller. But a majority of grammar Nazis hate him and say that his English is not up to the mark and he is not fit to be called an author. I don't think he gives a damn about all the taunts he goes through. At least he is doing what he loves to do and he also knows how to make money from that; which is not the case with almost all who criticize him. BTW, if you are gonna hate me for supporting him here, let me tell you that he has blocked me on twitter because he thought that my jokes were on him.

Now let me come back to the post. How to be a good writer. Let me rephrase it. How to be a good story teller! I think I am eligible to write on this topic, because I have tried the art of story telling on a one-to-one basis (with my daughter), to a group of hundred people (in college) and to a crowd of ten thousand people (events) and succeeded in getting positive responses. 

So this is what I do when I prepare a story. I would first set the basics right. I would work on my strengths and push my weaknesses under the carpet. 

In my case, my strengths are humor, concluding a story and simple language that connects with all age groups. My weakness is my English. I make a lot of grammatical errors, typos; editors and proof readers will even doubt if I am a writer in the first place.

How do I work on my strengths?

  • If the blog post has 10 paragraphs of three lines each, I would make sure that there is a humor element in all the 10 paragraphs. I would build the tempo in the narration that the humor element connects well with the climax of the story
  • I work a lot on the plot ending because I believe in leaving a lasting impression on my readers. I have at least 3  climaxes for every story and choose one among those based on my instincts. At times it works and some times it has bombed too
  • When I type, I type as if I am conversing with the laptop. The lap top becomes an imaginary friend and as I type, I make sure that I know that the laptop is listening to my story with great interest.
How do I sweep my weaknesses under the carpet?
  • I never use heavy words to tell the world that I am a writer. This is one mistake many make. Just to prove that they are good in English a lot of amateur writers force fit GRE standard words in their story. 
  • I use simple short sentences to convey the message
Now once my strengths and weaknesses are taken care of, the rest becomes easy. Have a great opening, a smooth flow and a tight climax. As you type your story, you should first love what you write. Never become preachy  (I know this line itself is preachy) because no one wants to listen to that. Make a lot of mistakes. Never ever feel bad when people treat your writing like shit. But always keep an eye on why they treat it badly. If you have an urge to become a good writer, you will succeed in writing.

Who knows? You may even publish a book tomorrow. If this post has inspired you to write or start a blog, I'd be happy. Keep writing.

-Chronicwriter

Jul 11, 2016

797. The Indian super hero who is stronger than Captain America

My nephew Jeremy is a big Captain America fan. He is born and brought up in Amrika land. I find it difficult to catch up with his accent; so when he talks to me, he changes his accent and tries to speak to me in with an Indian touch. I, on the other hand try to add an American accent to my English and end up sounding like Rakhi Sawant.

My nephew - Jeremy, niece -Jolena and my daughter Anya having a good time in the train. I know this photo is not related to this post. But I am adding here to let my readers know how Jeremy has grown.

Jeremy likes Captain America and Flash. We were sitting in the drawing room, when the following conversation happened between us

"So maamaa, Is there any Indian super hero you like?"

"Yes, I like Shakthimaan."

" Who is that?"

"He is Gangadhaar with a mask"

"What is his super power?"

"He can spin like a top and he can fly"

"But maamaa, Captain America can do all these stuff and he and Flash can also create tornadoes. Can Shakthimaan do all that?"

" No Jer! I don't think so"

He was happy now. He had a sense of victory. He started jumping around the house thinking that there was not even a single Indian super hero who could match these American Superheroes. I let him jump around for some more time.

"But Jer! There is an Indian super hero who is much powerful than Captain America"

His smile disappeared. He looked at me with a raised eyebrow and asked

"Do you mean to say that he can create tornadoes like Flash?"

" He is a tornado himself"

His eyes widened and I could sense defeat in his body language for the first time. But still he had other questions in his mind.

"What is his name Maamaa?"

"His name is Vijaykanth"

"What are his superpowers?"

" He can jump, fly, do somersaults in midair, catch bullets with his teeth, bullets bounce back from his chest and kill the bad guys, He can singlehandedly destroy Pakistan terrorists, girls go crazy about him, he can give electric shock to the electric transformer"

"But that sounds like Chuck Norris"

"No No. We have an Indian super hero who is better than Chuck Norris. But I am not gonna talk about him here because I am his fan too."

" Is Captain Vijaykanth really that good?"

"Yes, he can also do yoga and if you misbehave with him, he will also say,"Thoo". So you better be careful."

"Can I watch his movies?"

This is what I wanted.

We watched Narasimha, Virudhagiri and Arasaangam and Jeremy has finally accepted that Captain Vijaykanth is powerful than all the American Superheroes. We are going to watch Gajendra this week. Anyone care to join?

If you want to read my review of ARASAANGAM, click here [link

- Chronicwriter

Jun 27, 2016

796. My daughter is her class monitor

My daughter ran to me from school with her usual smiling face. Today she was happier than before.

"Appa! I am the class monitor".

"Wow, That's nice. So what do you get to do as a class monitor?"

" I can use the remote control for the TV to switch on the TV to play rhymes in our class"

"That is pretty amazing. Any other privilege you have as a monitor"

" Yes, I can also teach my class mates some actions for rhymes"

"Oh No! Please don't teach them the actions that I taught you at home"

"But Appa! I already taught them some of those actions"

"Did you really teach them?"

"Yes I did. Including the grinder moves and the dikilona dance step"

"But did your class teacher approve of those steps?"

"She asked me to bring you to school tomorrow"

I know that I will be getting some nasty comments from the teacher tomorrow. Hopefully I will be able to answer her questions. I seriously have no clue on what other actions my daughter has taught her friends at school.  When I was thinking on my defense tactics while facing her class teacher, my daughter walks up to me again with her smiling face

"Why are you smiling like that Anya?"

"Appa! I will have to give a passot photo tomorrow"

"You mean Passport photo?"

"Yes! Passport photo only. Now don't post this in your blog as if I did a mistake. You make lot of mistakes while typing"

" But why do you need a photo?"

" My class teacher wants to paste my photo in the class chart as the class monitor"

"Let's go to the photo studio"

So we both went to the near by photo studio. She sat on the chair and started to smile again. The photographer told her not to smile as it was a passport photo

"But uncle I have a smiling face and I always smile"

" But baby, for passport photos you are not supposed to smile"

"Who told you that? Am I supposed to show my frowning face? It won't look good"

Nothing could deter her and she posed with her usual smile.. While returning home, she asked me "Appa, Have you ever been a class monitor during your school days?" That question dragged a mosquito coil in front of my face and the coil started to rotate.

- Chronicwriter

Next post : When I was a class monitor

Jun 24, 2016

795. The 7 Burphy laws

1) Married house wives living in America will eventually become bakers and will have a cookery blog and a Facebook page on baking.

2) IT employees buying a DSLR will immediately become the official photographers of their respective projects. Eventually they will have a page on FB which has their name followed by the word photography. They would like to click pictures like this. But they never get it right without the help of photoshop.

3) There will be a Carnatic singer in school who will always sing Special song and invocation song in all school functions.

4) There will be one Granny in the house who will always see everything with a negative lens. If you stand on one leg, she will tell you that if you stand on one leg, you will end up alone in life. If you shake hands with your left hand, she will say that it is unruly to shake hands with left hand. The reason she gives is that left hands are used to clean the rear end. Does she know that I am ambidextrous?

5) There is always a silent farter in every school/ office/ family gatherings. He or She never gets caught. I am not talented in this department though because I always get caught

6) There will always be that guy who picks a stone and pelts it at a dog

7) Believe me that there will be an aunt in the family who will ask you when you are going to get married. If you are married she will ask when you are gonna have a baby. If you have a baby she will ask when are you gonna have the second baby. Just when I thought I had silenced all those nagging questions from one such aunt in my family, another aunt emerged out of the blue and asked me when I am planning to have a baby. My answer was "Aunty did you just fart?" . I know that was not the answer she was expecting. But that made her to shut her mouth and now she keeps a distance from me. I am very happy

Why did I name these as Burphy laws? Because the name Murphy laws is already taken


- Chronicwriter

Jun 13, 2016

794. The one night stand with another girl

I have to confess that this is a true story. 

You might be angry to know that I have feelings for another woman.

Is this normal for a married man? 

Well! I don't know whether I can justify what I did that night. 

But I guess, It would not be right If I do not confess. 

After a long time, I decide to confess it out loud to the entire world in the form of poetry.

I decided to express this through poetry because I started my blog journey with blogs on poetry before moving on to humor.

If you want to know what happened between me and her that night, just read this.


The one night stand with another girl

[Present]

She has those beautiful curves
That plays magic with my reserves
As she looks at me with her pout lips
I pick her up and my sweat just drips

As I touch her back and caress her neck,
She keeps her calm as I am about to peck
I become a little bold and undress her tonight
And her body shines so bright in that dim light

[Tense change]

The tension builds up as I move closer
My smile and my gaze froze her
On her neck is my left hand
And on her hip slides my right hand

My cologne was strong and it did linger
And she just simmers as I begin to finger
I was slow to start but soon built my speed
She did not know whether to cry or plead

Grooving and grinding I began to groan
She knew my rhythm and started to moan
My next move was always a suspense
But the action just got more intense

I look down and pull her G string
The door opens and with a shock I spring
My wife walks in and gives me a stare
And Says, The guitar is too loud, please be fair

- Chronicwriter

For the uninitiated, the guitar has a neck, has got curves and has a string called the "G-string"



Jun 2, 2016

793. Ink on my pink face



India’s Sahara group chairman Subrata Roy ‘s face is covered in black ink as he arrives at the Supreme Court in New Delhi on March 4, 2014. Image: PRAKASH SINGH/AFP/Getty Images
We would have seen news articles about public throwing ink on politicians's faces. Arvind Kejriwal has been the target of ink attacks on more than one occasion. This tradition started in my childhood in my school.


We had this unholy tradition of throwing ink on white uniform shirts on the last day of every academic year. In school, I had a friend named Ershad. He studied with me from class 6 to class 10. 

On the last day of my class 6 exams, I sprayed blue bril ink on Ershad's shirt and ran away. After two months of summer holidays, I entered school on June 2, 1993 with my new set of uniforms.

I did not know that Ershad was waiting to take revenge with a full bottle of bril ink. As soon as I entered class, he poured the whole bottle on my shirt and started grinning.  It was a wednesday. I hated Wednesdays after that.

Today is June 2 too. And it has been 23 years since that incident took place. I am recording it in my blog because I know that varalaaru is romba mukkiyam.

Have you been inked during your school days?

Edit-1 : Sheetal who blogs at https://sheetalscribbles.wordpress.com/ narrates her experience here

I used to have one empty ink pen and one filled with ink in school. Both identical.  I also had a stupid habit of playing a prank on boys that I would splash ink on them with that empty pen. Once in a petty feud with a guy who sits in a nearby bench, I accidentally took the ink filled pen  and splashed it on his back (pure white shirt). He was looking elsewhere. My heart came out. There were three large blue blue patches on his shirt .He was also a strong guy.Two other guys saw this drama and threatened me. During interval, he realized that his shirt was a mess. He started asking everyone to hand over the culprit to him. My confidantes saved me. Till the end he never knew it was me. Whenever he used to wear that shirt my confidantes grinned at me. I just pretended as if nothing happened. Today if he reads this blog, he will know that it was me. It has been ten years now

Moral: Ball pens are always safer

- Chronicwriter

May 26, 2016

792. Between Now and Forever - book cover review

These days every Tom,Beep and Harry who reads a book becomes a book reviewer. After reviewing a book, people end up giving 3 star or 4 star ratings. I have a friend who once gave a 3.65 rating for a book that he reviewed. As soon as I saw the rating I started laughing out loud. How on earth did he arrive at that 0.65? Verithanamaaana professional reviewer; it seems. 

Here I am going to a Book Cover review for a blog friend of mine. Just because she is a blog friend, I am not going to give 5 stars for the review. My daughter always asks me to draw stars in her hand with a sketch pen to encourage her. Sometimes I give her 5 stars and sometimes I end up giving her 3.65 star ratings (Inspired by my friend).


Let me now start reviewing the cover of Meera's book "Between Now and Forever".  My friend Kirthi thinks that BTW is the acronym for Between. Once when I told her that BTW stands for "By The Way" and it has nothing to do with Between, she blocked me on Facebook.  How ever she started checking my FB page from her husband's profile and made sure to point out typos and grammatical errors in my FB posts. So I blocked him on FB and started watching both their FB activities from my wife's FB ID. My wife noticed this and blocked both of them. 

The title font in the cover reminded me of Captain Vijaykanth in ukkira kobam when he faces Bagisdhan dheeviravaadhigal. Meera has strategically used that font to bring captain in front of our eyes. Check Captain's eyebrows and the word NOW. Meera has left a subliminally coded message in that word NOW. If the letter N is captain's right eyebrow; W - his left eyebrow, then the letter"O" is Captain's Netrikann.



Now let us move to the next part of the cover - the kissing couple. I was shocked to see that picture, not because they were kissing in the middle of the road; but because of their lack of responsibility towards life.

Why are they standing in the middle of the road to kiss? What will happen to them if a car or a truck hits them. They could have stood in the side of the road to kiss. This is where I started to read the short blurb in the back cover. "The Hero was responsible for the death of his pregnant girlfriend". He had already killed one girl and was he trying to kill the other girl too? That may be a reason for him kissing her in the middle of the road. The kissing scene probably takes place in Darjeeling where the hero is trying to do kasamusa with his second girlfriend. But in that case, the girl should have at least worn a full pant. Her legs are bare and she would be freezing. I am sure that this hero is such a sadist. I already hate him for torturing the girl like this.

Another important thing that I noticed from the picture was the unusual leg position of the heroine. Why was she raising her left leg while kissing? My pet dog Bubbly used to lift his left legs to pee. But I don't think the heroine is controlling her bladder here. May be Meera has hidden the crux of the story here. When I read the book I will expound that secret.

While looking at this picture, I could not control my tears. It reminded me of my Darjeeling girlfriend. I have already written about her here [link]. This is my analysis of the book based only on the front cover. I have lots to say about the back cover too; but as the author is an English teacher, I will stop here. 

I will read this book and write a detailed review in my FB page. Till then you can all stay peacefully. BTW, can you guys please rate my review?

-Chronicwriter.

May 25, 2016

791. We are Engineers Da! We can solve anything - Climax

Click this [link] to read the first part.
I still have no clue on what made us think that we were computer experts. But just 5 minutes after Edwin had uttered those golden words " Machi, we are Engineers da. We can solve anything", we had actually opened the CPU tower. We thought that by opening the tower we would have us access to the CD. But only when we opened it , did we realize that the CD was still inside the CD player. 

Andrew: Machi! I guess if we unscrew the CD player from the slot, we could open the CD player
Edwin: Yes that's what we should do. Use this star screw driver

Even after the CD player was removed from the slot, the CD was still intact inside the player. In our enthusiasm, we failed to realize that we had also unplugged certain cards, chords and wires from the PC board. 

Edwin used the screw driver in the CD slot and to make matters worse the slot gave up and finally broke. We looked at each other with pain-stricken faces. I was almost in tears. I suggested that we leave that place and head back to hostel. But Edwin was adamant on not leaving without the CD. At this juncture power was restored. If only we had waited for the power to come back, all this would not have happened. We connected the wires and switched on the CPU and to our dismay the computer would not boot. 

In a fit of rage, Edwin broke open the CD player and took his CD. We left the place and went back to our hostel. The next morning when we went to college, the computer lab was crowded with people. The college director, all the professors and even the local MLA and police was there in the computer lab.


Edwin started to to talk Gibberish
Andrew was frozen but did not show it outside
I peed in my pants. 

The Director called all the students to assemble in front of the computer lab in the big cricket ground. He came to the parapet wall near the computer lab door and looked at us. It resembled a scene from the movie Gladiator where all the Gladiators were in the Colosseum trying to save their lives with Caesar watching them from the stands.

He asked all the day scholars and the girls to go to their respective classes. So out of 160 students in our batch, almost 120 of them went to the classes. The 40 hostelers from the boys hostel were now standing in front of him. He then called 10 of those guys to come forward and he gave that "Neenga ellam adhukku sari pattu varamaateenga expression" and asked them to go to their respective classes too.

So 30 of us were now left in the ground and all 3 of us who were involved in the breaking act were also there. We were shocked by his filtering skills. He then asked all the students from AP to go back to the classes. Only 12 of us remained in the ground. 

Then he asked 6 students to come forward. Edwin was among the 6. Andrew and I were not there in the list. He asked them to come up to the first floor. The police official was standing next to him. They spoke to the six students for some 5 minutes and let them go back to their classrooms. 

Andrew and I looked at each other with shock and disbelief thinking how Edwin could go back to the class room without getting caught. We started talking to each other and the Police official saw us discussing. Immediately we were summoned up to the class room. We knew it was over. So Andrew and I decided to surrender. At the same time we decided to surrender along with Edwin. We fell flat on the floor and started pleading to forgive us. We also told Edwin was also involved in the act. Edwin was immediately asked to bring that CD.

When he brought the CD back, the director checked the CD in the big VCD player in his room. It could not get any worse for us because the first image that appeared on the screen was this visual and to make matters worse, the movie stopped playing.


Director : Are you guys watching porn in college?
We: No sir, that's Hey Ram movie. Kamal and Rani Mukherjee 
Director: Don't play the fool here.

We received some solid advice on life and a long lecture on philosophy and how to control sexual desires. We also went through a counselling session from one of our college counselors. We were also suspended from college for ten days, in addition to paying a huge fine. 

When we came back to our college, we had a new nick name. Our batch mates started calling us the porn stars. The lady professors stopped looking at us face to face and our college girls kept a safe distance from us. But things became normal as days went by.

16 years have gone after this incident and recently when I went to a college to give an inspirational talk  ( which I do from time to time), my laptop stopped working. A student came to me and told that he can help me repair the laptop. He spent some time with the laptop and in ten minutes time the laptop started working fine. 

Me: What stream are you studying here?
He: Mechanical sir
Me: Then how did you manage to repair a very complicated problem in my lap top?
He: Sir! We are Engineers and we can do anything.

Avanoda confidence enakku romba pudichurundhuchu

- Chronicwriter

May 13, 2016

790. We are Engineers Da! We can solve anything - Part 1

This is a story from my Engineering college days.


Time: Summer of 2000

Characters

1) Edwin: BE 2nd year - Electrical and Electronics major

2) Andrew: BE 2nd year - Electronics and Communications major

3) Chriz (Me): BE 2nd year - Electronics and Instrumentation major

This incident happened 16 years ago. Back then, none of us knew that all 3 of us would be working in IT firms in 2016; nothing to do with our core majors. But who cares? Engineering days gave us great memories in college.

In our college there were four departments

1) EEE - This was like the mechanical department of other engineering colleges. The terror boys of our college were from this department. The department boasted of some of the best singers, dancers and sportsmen; but it did not have a single studious student. You can't find a single proper looking girl in this department. Our Edwin is from this department

2) ECE - This department had an equal balance of girls and boys. It was not the best department in college. But it had the best lecturers in our college. Andrew belonged to this department.

3) CSE - The department of the babes. The poshest babes and the cool dudes belonged to this department. So the rest of the department boys would be found loitering around the CSE class rooms all the time. None of our friends were from this department because we were not the cool dudes of the college. We were the local boys

4) EIE - Even till now I do not know why this department exists in the first place. After 4 years of being in this department, I have not figured out if this stream of engineering has anything to do with Instrumentation engineering or electronics engineering. I really do not know. But I survived there

Story


Edwin, Andrew and I were always fascinated by the computer lab in our college. Because none of us had the privilege to sit in front of computers and do cool stuff in the lab. When we walked past the computer lab, we would take a peep into the lab and see the babes in our college staring at the screens (Little did we know that we would be doing the same thing in 16 years time)

The labs we were exposed to had lathes, breadboards and multi-meters. We hated them and hence always longed to enter the computer lab. Those were the days when movies started coming in VCD format. The computer lab had a couple of computers with CD players. As we 3 were hostel mates, we decided to watch movies in those computers at night time.

Breaking into the computer lab was not an easy joke. There were only two ways to enter the computer lab

1) Through the computer lab main door
2) Through the sliding window of the lab

There is no way one could enter through the main door unless and until it is opened with a key. But entering through the sliding window was easy. All we had to do was use a small screwdriver to slide the window and enter the lab.

So one night after the dinner time was over, we 3 slipped out of the hostel and entered the computer lab. We made sure not to switch on the lights inside the lab as it would alert the watchman who walks around the college campus at nights.

Edwin had a "Hey Ram" CD in his hand. The movie was a new release and we were crazy fans of Illayaraja. We covered the window with a bed sheet so that light doesn't go out. We played the movie and started enjoying it and just when KamalHassan was about to bite Rani Mukherjee, the power went off.

All 3 of us did not know what to do, because when power outage happened in our college in the night, it would not be restored till morning. Our CD was inside the CD player and the name "Edwin" was written on the CD. So we decided to remove the CD.

But how would it be possible when there is no power?

Edwin suddenly said : Machi, we are Engineers da. We can solve anything

Andrew: But none of us are computer engineers

Prason: So what? We can at least try

We should not have had the above conversation; because the incidents that followed are still giving us nightmares.

To be continued in part 2

- Chronicwriter