The Complete Humor man since 1982

Aug 20, 2014

On 8/20/2014 | By Chriz
One day I will die
I don't know how that would be.

It might be an accident; a peaceful one in sleep; a murder or a natural disaster
I don't know how that would be

When my body is laid to rest, would I look handsome?
I don't know how I would look.

Some may cry; Some may be happy; many might not even know that I am gone
I don't know how that would be

My loved ones might be around my body; They would be talking about me; Many would lie and say all good things about me. At the same time there would be people who would say, "Good riddance"
I don't know how that would be

I have come across different people in my life. I have helped a few; I have been a pain for many. Have befriended many; Unfriended a few. Friends are many and foes are there too. But when I am gone, would I still leave a scar in your heart?

This post might be heavy; I am not the only one who is gonna die. You will die too. 

When you are alive, have you brought happiness to someone? That's the sole reason for the existence of  this blog. 

I am sure it would have made someone smile at some part of their lives. 

Some posts might not have had the humour touch.; but still I strive to make someone in some part of the world to forget their sadness and smile. If you are planning to do something today, do it today. Don't postpone it. Pick that phone and reconcile with that someone with whom you have not spoken.

Life is Short.
Keep Smiling.
Spread the Smiles.


- Chronicwriter
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Aug 14, 2014

On 8/14/2014 | By Chriz
This is one week when the entire Nation goes patriotic. People are changing their profile pictures to the Indian National flag in social networking sites. 

Arnab Gowsami is searching for a patriotic topic and Indian cricket team are getting ready for yet another hammering from the British as a punishment for winning one test match in this series.

I remember getting goosebumps when ever I listen AR Rahman's Vandematram. 

The last time, the whole country listened to that song was in the 2011 world cup final after the 42nd over when Dhoni was chasing down SriLanka's huge score. The other times 

I get patriotic is when ever the vande matram tone goes on when some one puts a reverse gear on their car.

I like Independence day when it does not fall on a saturday or a sunday. That is when I feel the real effect of Independence in my veins.

List of people who crib about Independence day

There are some people on Facebook who are posting status messages that they will celebrate Independence day only when men stop raping women. 

There were some other people who posted messages saying that they will celebrate Independence day only when they can walk down the street naked without any man making any crude remark on them. 

There are some men who post messages saying that they lost independence ever since they got married. These are the morons. In the name of Comedy they put soora mokkais, just like how the author of this page is running this blog for the last few years.

For such people I would request the Government to declare a working day on August 15th for them. 

I am gonna have a holiday and watch Roja for the 21st year in a row on Doordarshan. Go and celebrate your independence and freedom of speech. Go and pick up fights with people on FB, pee on the streets and terrorise women.

-Chronicwriter

Aug 13, 2014

On 8/13/2014 | By Chriz
This is not an exaggeration of any kind. The content of this post is the truth and nothing but the truth. These are the following steps that should be followed by people if you have to drive or ride in Indian roads.

1. The helmet is not for your protection. It is a device that is worn on the head to avoid paying bribe to the traffic police

2. The traffic signals are some colour lights that hang on some poles in some road junctions. Some work and some don't. It does not matter even if it works or not. You have to obey the traffic signal rules only if there is a traffic police standing there.

3. If you are caught by the traffic police for not following the traffic rules, you have to scare them by telling them that you are the third cousin of the sister's son of the Municipality Counsellor of the 43rd ward in your constituency. The traffic constable will immediately shit in his pants and let you go.

4. Three people on a bike is not allowed in the 50 meters radius of the nearest traffic police. When you see a traffic police, the third person on the bike should get down from the bike, walk the 50 metres and again climb the bike when the bike is well clear of the traffic police.

5. Three people in a bike is allowed, if all the three people are girls. Women empowerment indeed.

6. The Bribe is cheaper than the penalty (fine)

7. Anyone who overtakes you is your enemy.

8. Cussing is the official language to converse with a fellow person in the traffic lane when you and him come face to face.

9. Ladies can drive on the right side of the road facing the oncoming traffic.

10. If you have an L board on your car, it means you are dangerous to the vehicles in 10 metre radius.

11. Ambulance is a vehicle that should find its own way. You are not supposed to give way to the ambulance.

12. The Bigger the car you drive, the bigger should be your ego. Otherwise you fall under the sissy category.

13. During rainsy season, you should splash mud on the pedestrians. It is a game they enjoy so much.

14. You can get a driving license even if you do not know to drive. Don't ask me how!

15. When some rider on the road shows their super ego on the road, you should overtake them and stop your vehicle and fight with them by blocking the entire traffic.

If you think all these 15 points are lies, then please feel free to snub me

- Chronicwriter.

Click here [link] to like me on Facebook

Aug 11, 2014

On 8/11/2014 | By Chriz
This morning I was staring at the India map for a long time. I don't know why I did that. It might be because of the fact that this is the week when every Indian is supposed to get extra patriotic. There are some friends who are sending me messages on my FB inbox asking me to change my profile picture to the Indian national flag. This is also the time of the year when Indian abuse Pakistanis in youtube comments to show the nationalistic feelings. 

When I was looking at the Indian map, I also chanced upon all the neighbouring countries of India. Suddenly I started picturing India as a human being and the imagination just ran wild. The following pictures will illustrate to the readers oh how my imagination went wild. Remember this is my 666th post and hence this post indeed will be a post that will spread ill effect on other countries.My readers from other countries are requested to bear with me. No hard feelings. (Neenga kochikitaalum naan kandukka maatein)

India is indeed surrounded by evil countries

Pakistan and China



Burma


Nepal


Bangladesh


Sri Lanka


-Chronicwriter

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Jul 30, 2014

On 7/30/2014 | By Chriz
Ignore all the grammatical errors in this conversation. The author is not responsible for the mistakes. Any resemblance to any human being living or dead is purely accidental. 


- Chronicwriter

Jul 29, 2014

On 7/29/2014 | By Chriz
I have already written about the different types of Girls you can find in a college. Some girls sent me messages saying that I am a Male Chauvinist Pig and I make fun of girls all the time. This post will prove to them that I am indeed a MCP with a Feminist heart.  All the pictures used in this post are added here after getting consent. Any resemblance to any human being living or dead is purely done with a bad intention. 

The different type of Boys you can find in a college

1) The guy who knows someone who knows someone

This guy is an influential guy in college. He knows the first cousin's brother in law of a famous politician or a film star. He comes in handy in inviting a popular VIP as chief guest for inter college festivals in college.


2) The axe effect guy

He never takes a bath. He sprays a bottle of axe all over his body with hopes of getting girls crave for him. But nothing works for him. He stinks like a rotten cabbage. His mouth also stinks big time and people run away from him.


3) The Bike  Boy

He does not ride ordinary bikes. He comes to college in one of those super bikes. Girls go crazy about his bike. They expect to go on a ride with him. But he loves his bike more than the girls. His bike is his babe. Sometimes he takes the girls for a ride like Pearce Brosnan.



4) The Body builder

He spends 2 hours in the class room and spends more than 6 hours in the gym. Girls go gaga over his body. He has six packs and tight abs. He will be automatically selected for the College fashion ramp walk team. This guy would be seen wearing tight linen shirts and blue jeans trousers to college.



5) The Scientist

He is the brainiest fellow in the class. Very few people can comprehend the thought process of this guy. He is way ahead of time, space and energy. Every class has this guy. He would be indifferent in the classrooms; but when he takes those seminars, he shows his class.



6) The singer

He can be seen singing songs in the class rooms when the lecturer is absent. He finds a way to sing in college culturals. He thinks that the girls are behind him; but the lead guitarist steals them all from him.



7) The dancer

He is the first one to enter the dance floor when the music is played. He has all the moves. He can dance stop like a marathon runner. This guy always has a big fan following in college.



8) The Ladies man

Every girl in college like this guy a lot. He is the Charlie who is surrounded by his angels in college. He usually drives around in a car.



9) The Sentimental Coolie

This guy has a story that he discloses only with girls. He will be seen talking to a girl mostly on his phone. He will create sympathy by putting himself down and he does that to get attention.



10) The farter

This is the eternal garlic eater. He is a mobile chemistry laboratory in the college. When he is around, you can always smell that bad smell. In the first few days of college life, he will not get caught. But sooner or later everyone in college will know that he exists. When there is a bad smell in the classroom, everyone will look at him.



11) The eater

This guy eats all the time. The lunch boxes of the girls will often go missing and you will know who has taken it. He can single handedly gulp 12 full tandoori chicken in one go.



12) The outstanding guy

This guy will never be inside the class. He is always up to some mischief. Lecturers do not like him. He spends most of his time standing near the door of the class. The lecturers always give him low marks for the internals. But this guy has the last laugh always by clearing exams and settling down in some foreign country



13) The guy who loves the lady lecturer

In every class there will be one guy who has the hots for the lady lecturer. He shows no interest on the girls in his class or in his college. His only aim is to get into the heart of the lady lecturer. When the particular lady lecturer is absent, this guy becomes sad. This guy also knows where the lady lecturer stays. Such people have high probability of becoming entrepreneurs.



14) The drunk communist

This is the most SPIRITed guy in the whole class. He is always high. Books and girls do not turn him on much. Alcohol does the trick. He knows every single detail about all kinds of drinks. He is a mobile TASMAC. He is one among the very few human beings who still opens the bottle cap with his teeth - "An artform that is facing extinction". These guys can be trusted.


15) Mr. Saint

Mr Saint does not talk bad words. He is the peacemaker. He always walks around with a halo around his head. The professors love him. The classmates respect him.




16) Mr. Peter

This guy is the direct descendant of Queen Elizabeth. He speaks only english and nothing but english. Even when he falls down, he will say "Mummy" and he will not cry out in his mother tongue. He is the grammar Nazi.


17) The Villager

You can take a villager out of a village. But you can never take the village out of a villager. This guy has his own dressing style in college. He has his own rules and no one questions him for fear of being beaten to death.



18) The studious guy

This guy sits in the front bench of the class. He is the lecturer's pet. He studies all the time. He gets good internal marks. He gets placed first. He is different from the rest of his classmates.



19) Pickup, drop and escape

This guy is one character whose mobile phone will be flooded with phone numbers of girls. He is a champion of sorts in two-three-four-timing. Girls fall for him even after knowing very clearly that he will ditch them.

20) The anna

On Raksha Bandhan day, he gets the maximum rakhis  tied to his hands. He is the universal brother of the girls in the college. He is also the anna of the lady lecturers and he is also the anna for all the girls in the near by colleges.



21) The comedy piece

This is one guy who is usually the butt of all jokes. His personality is such that everyone loves to make fun of him. As I did not get permission from my friend, I am not adding his photo here.


22) The Michael Jackson

He is an irritating character. He knows only two dance moves - 1) The MJ crotch grab and 2)The MJ moonwalk. He calls himself as the Michael Jackson of the college. He wears MJ T shirts and for college culturals he dances for MJ songs and makes sure that he showcases his two trademark moves.



23) The prankster





24) The thief

There is a thief in every class. He steals money, clothes and anything that he can lay his hands on. Except for underwears he steals everything.

25) The professor's son

There will be one person in your class who happens to be the son of the professor. He will also be the mopst idiotic dumb guy in the class.

26) The sleeper

This guy is born to sleep. He sleeps in the classroom; he sleeps in the examination hall and after getting a job, he sleeps at work place too.



27) Arrears Specialist

This guy has arrears in all the subjects. He is the official photographer of the college. The girls love him because he takes portfolios for them. But he will somehow get placed much earlier than others and eventually will clear all the arrears in one shot.




28) The Sportsman

This guy almost plays all the sports. He will be always representing the college in some sport. He does not attend classes much; but still the lecturers love him because he is the pride of the college and he has lot of fans.




29) Mr Committed

This guy has a girlfriend and he never lays his eyes on any other girl. The other girls may try to get his attention all the time. But he has his heart, soul and mind for only the girl of his heart. Eventually he marries his lady love.



30) Tease my class-girls and get a punch guy

He is the hulk of every classroom. He stands 6 feet 4 inches tall and weighs 100 kilograms and one punch from his right hand will land you in the mortuary. You are not supposed to mess with the girls of any class where there is a hulk.



Shabba! My hand is paining now. I am stopping this post here. There are many more different characters that I have not mentioned in this post. You can add them in the comments.


  • To read the post on the different kind of girls in college , click here [link]
  • Read this article that Chronicwriter wrote about a thief friend of him during his college days [link]


-Chronicwriter

Jul 20, 2014

On 7/20/2014 | By Chriz
I started composing music in the year 2008. Most of the music compositions have been for spiritual songs.

Being a stand up comedian, a few of the songs have been in the humour stream also.

This song might help a few who are in the initial stages of music composition.

Many people have different styles of music composition. This post is on how I compose a song.

I always compose the tune first and then write the lyrics for the tune.

This is not the usual practice adopted by many musicians.

But I am comfortable with this method and this is what I follow.


The steps I follow  in composing a song

1. Identify the mood of the song.
2. Try a chord progression for the song.
3. When the initial chord progression is ready, start writing the lyrics for the song.
4. Care should be taken to see that the lyrics fit the mood of the song.
5. The rhythm pattern is very important while composing a tune. A wrong rhythm might change the whole mood of the song
6. Think about the music instruments mix and the voice combinations that would add value to the song.

I was planning to write a funny song for kids and I was ready with the first 3 points mentioned here.

Just when I was about to pen the lyrics for the song, my daughter decided to join me in the music composition session.

As I did not have the lyrics ready, I decided to just use the words "Bomchiku Bomchiku Bom" for the whole song. She liked the song and danced along.

Should I add lyrics to this kids' song? or should I just leave this as it is?

 

-Chronicwriter

Jul 16, 2014

On 7/16/2014 | By Chriz
Five years ago, flash mobs made its entrance into India. Suddenly you will witness a flash mob happening in a mall or in a hotel or in big grounds where crowds gather. The concept was new to India and people started recording the performances with their mobile cameras and started sharing it on social networking sites.

These days Flash mobs have become a nuisance. In a wedding I attended recently, there were close to around 100 members in the audience and in the name of flash mob all of them started dancing. 

Flash mobs are supposed to be surprises; but these days my friends invite me to malls saying, "Come there, our team is doing a flash mob".

This reminds me of an unforgettable experience that happened in the year 2008 at a friend's wedding. We as a bunch of friends were crazy about dancing and we planned to do a flash mob at one of my friends' wedding. 

We decided not to tell the groom and his family and planned it as a complete surprise for all of them. There were 12 of us who hatched this plan. So here we were practising for a mishmash of four songs " Billie Jean + Nothings gonna change my love for you + Mambo no 5 and ending with Congratulations".

I was the usual aarvakolaru of the gang and became the choreographer for the dance moves. We planned the sequence in such a manner that I would start the dance act with my moves for Billie Jean  and  five others would join for "Nothing's gonna change my love" song for which I had planned some salsa moves. Then the other 6 were supposed to join for "Mambo no 5 and Congratulations". 

The practise sessions started two days prior to the wedding. We even planned for our surprise entrance and all of us started dancing with synchronisation. I was really happy. 

It was a Christian wedding and it happened in Chennai in Cathedral. The reception took place in a prestigious hotel in Chennai. The crowd would have been close to 1000.

I approached the sound guy and gave him the CD and told him about the flash mob and told him to wait for my cue to start the music. He said that no one has done a flash mob at a wedding before and it would be one of its kind. He even promised to record the video on cam. 

Then I approached the EmCee and told him about the plan. He was excited too and he told that it would be great if the dance could happen after the first two events. 1. Welcoming the guests 2. Cake cutting for the bride and groom

Our flash mob was strategically placed at third position and I told the EmCee that as soon as the bride and groom feed each other with the cake, we would start dancing. He agreed to our plan.

Here I was waiting to make my moves to floor everyone in the crowd. I chose a smooth floor in the hall where I could showcase my moon-walk skills. I even dreamt of making the crowd go wild with the secret moves.

The reception started with the Bride and Groom making their way into the hall. We all rose up from our seats and started clapping. I looked around and all the dance mates were equally excited because we knew that we would be dancing soon. 

Then the EmCee made his appearance on the stage and welcomed the guests. He cracked a joke or two and tried to make us laugh. But we won't laugh for mokka comedy and hence we did not laugh.

Then the announcement was made that the bride and the groom will cut the cake and would feed each other. The crowd started clapping. They cut the cake and fed each other. I looked at the sound guy and gave the thumbs up sign. He immediately hit the music. I just needed that. The moment I was waiting for finally arrived.

I jumped to the location and showcased my moves. The people around me had not seen a flash mob in their lives and they were surprised. That's what I wanted. The moonwalk came to precision; but to my surprise no one clapped. They were having the "What is this idiot doing" expression on their face. 

Soon the first song got over and the second song started playing. I looked around to see the 5 others to join me for the salsa routine. Three pairs were supposed to dance for this song. But all the  padupaavi fellows escaped from the scene. I started to panic. 

I searched for my dance partner and she was missing from the scene too. I tried to make up with my own solo moves for the first two lines and after that I did not know what to do. I felt like crying and after a few seconds I couldn't take it any longer. I ran away from the scene and when I emerged out of the hall, my friends started laughing at me.

Those idiots had actually pulled an epic prank on me.Later I heard from a few friends that the people at the wedding thought that a drunk guy got high and did some silly stunts at the wedding only to run out of gas and run away in the end. After that I never said yes to any flash mob invites. 

-Chronicwriter
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