The Complete Humor man since 1982

Oct 27, 2014

On 10/27/2014 | By Chriz
History used to be my favourite subject during my school days. My grand mother was a History teacher in Sarah Tucker School in Tirunelveli and she taught me Indian History when I was a small boy.

This year, I visited a place called Pulicat (Pazhaverkadu in Tamil) which is at the TamilNadu- Andhra Pradesh border. The place has a rich history. The Arabs, The Portuguese, The Dutch and The British ruled this place.

When I visited the place, I could still sense the Dutch smell in the soil. I do not know how to explain that feeling.

Pulicat has a Natural harbour and the East Indian trade flourished because of this harbour. Every country around the world has had laid its eyes on India and used this port to enter our country. I am sitting in the exact location through which foreigners invaded our country. 


Behind me, One can see a small green patch of land. The Sriharikota Rocket launch pad from where ISRO launches rockets left-right and centre is located in that place. The locals of the region say that they can see the rocket launch with bare eyes.

The Dutch had done great trade in this place, in the 17th and 18th centuries. They had traded with spices and coin minting in this region for over 200 years. The Britishers finally defeated the Dutch and took control of the region.

Even today there is a Dutch cemetery in this place. This is the entrance of the cemetery. 

A skeleton of a lady with a baby in her tummy welcomed me into the cemetery. She reminded me of one of my girlfriends during my college days.

As I entered the cemetery, I noticed some illuminati symbols in the cemetery. 

Some of the Generals and big shots of the Dutch Government are laid to rest in this place. 

The Cemetery does not look like a Christian cemetery at all. It looks like some cultish cemetery with skeletons and skulls all over the place. 

Film makers should definitely scan this area for some great ideas for horror movies.

Opposite to the cemetery the ruins of the Fort Geldria can be seen. The site is now closed for archaeological purposes.


If you are a good conversationalist, you can befriend a local fisherman who will take you around the place in his boat. There is a beautiful island that will make you think that you are in Seychelles. 



And if you visit this place, do not forget to buy crab and prawns. You get the best crabs and prawns in the country in this place. The Buckingham canal (Cooum river) originates from this place.The river has very clean water and even today locals use boat to commute in this canal.

If you are living in Chennai and if you had not visited the place, it is high time you visited this place with family and friends. Search in google maps for directions.

- Chronicwriter

Oct 23, 2014

On 10/23/2014 | By Chriz
When I think of Diwali in Nagercoil, I can think only of crackers. I spent my childhood in a place called Nagercoil - The Best place on planet earth.

As a child I never knew the background of why they celebrated Diwali in the first place. But I loved crackers. For me "Diwali was all about bursting crackers ".

When ever I asked my parents to buy me crackers, they would always say " Why should we burn currency?". I was around ten years of age then.

I would feel like replying " Mom, You burn all the dosas and puris in the kitchen. Did I ever ask you why you waste the flour?". But I would not ask that to her.

Then I would feel like asking my dad "Appa! You ride your lamby scooter at 10 km per hour in first gear. Even a person can overtake you by walking. Aren't you wasting fuel?". But I would keep quiet.

I knew that I could argue with logical reasoning. But I was scared of my mom big time. She was a terror. She would beat me with coconut sticks. I used to hate coconut sticks. They look very thin; but they can give you pain.

My Mom used to chase me around the house with coconut sticks. I was a really good runner and I would scramble through the house.

But my sister used to be a stumbling block for me  on many occasions. She would come and block me so that Mom could catch me and beat me with those coconut sticks.

Many a time, I would even run past my sister. My Mom was a good runner too. She is like the 400 X 4 Indian relay team runner. Coconut sticks will be kept in window panes in all the rooms of the house.

So when she is on the chase, she would pick a stick from one of the windows and would still continue chasing me. The window would give her the baton to her all the time.

The problem with me was , I was not a long distance runner. I used to run out of steam and eventually I would be cornered.

I used to cry to my Mom and say " Please beat me with your hand on my back or on my butt. Please don't beat me with the coconut stick."

The coconut sticks would leave a mark on my leg. I was not worried about the pain; but I was more concerned about my class girls seeing the marks on my legs.

Back then I never knew how to gain sympathy from girls using the scars on my legs . So I never used it for my advantage. I only learnt those tricks later in my life.

Let me come back to crackers. My dad will say that If I get first rank in quarterly exams he would buy me a pack of crackers.

I will get first rank and he will buy me a pack of crackers that would contain Changu Chakram (Fire Top) , Bus Vaanam ( Pot) and Sparklers.

Noise crackers were a big No, because I was scared of them.

This picture here will give a very clear picture on how scared I was. My legs will shiver big time and sometimes I would even pee a little when I handle fire.My first noise cracker was bijili when I was 12 years old.

In this post I want to remember the poor people I have across when I was a child. I have seen little children who would wait the whole day for a new pair of clothes. Their parents would not be able to afford to buy them those clothes.

These children will walk around in our street and use the burnt crackers. Sometimes they stand in a corner of the street and watch others burning crackers and these little children will applaud every time someone else lit a cracker. We may see them even now. These children are everywhere around us.

I don't wanna use this blog post for advice. I am not gonna ask you not to light crackers. All I am asking you is, when you light a cracker, don't do it alone, just with your family. Invite the needy, poor children and celebrate along with them. If they can't buy new clothes; buy clothes for them.

Real happiness is not when you smile alone. It is when you make others smile too. That's why I write.

-Chronicwriter.

Oct 16, 2014

On 10/16/2014 | By Chriz
This one is howlarious. America is for sale for just Rs 25. 

The price is negotiable too it seems.

The buyers should be Vegans.




Good friends and family members of Chronicwriter are banned from buying this land because of undisclosed reasons.

Interested buyers are requested to call Chronicwriter immediately from their mottai maadi.

- Chronicwriter.
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Oct 3, 2014

On 10/03/2014 | By Chriz

Recently a poster on Kathi film was released on Facebook by Vijay Fans. As I used to be a die hard fan of actor Vijay, I intently looked at the picture and was happy to know that my (once) favourite actor has worked hard for his six packs. I even started to cry looking at the poster. 

I searched on search engines to see how his body had transformed over the years. The picture below shows that Vijay only had one pack a few years ago. So when I saw this picture, I started to cry even more. Only a person with determination, dedication and dignity will work to get such a body in little time.



Later, as my respect for him grew, I started to search for more pictures. A still from the movie Velayudham suggested that he had a flat belly even then. This picture created doubts in my head. I zoomed in and noticed that he was wearing a tantex jetty; but in the Kathi Poster, Vijay was wearing a Calvin Klein jetty. Would my hero be disloyal to a brand in just few years? I knew that he would not do that. So I even had doubts whether someone had done photoshop and had stolen some other body and used it on Vijay.





So I started doing a research on all the VIPs in India who wear Calvin Klein Jetty. I found out that only two VIPs in India wear CK jetties. One is me and the other one is Hrithick Roshan. I was sure that no one had superimposed Vijay's face on my body because I have an even stronger and muscular body. So my doubts zeroed down on Hrithick. So I searched for Hrithick's pictures and found a picture of Hrithick wearing a CK jetty in the movie Kites.




Some die hard fan of Vijay had stolen Hrithik's body and has claimed it to be Dr. Vijay's body. If he had asked me, I would have done better photoshop work and no one could have found it. If you steal, steal intelligently.

Note: I am not an Ajith Fan. Can't I be a Powerstar fan?

A common man
-Chronicwriter.


Sep 24, 2014

On 9/24/2014 | By Chriz


This is the dream panel I want to see in The Newshour on TimesNow. Choosing a topic for these 7 people to discuss in itself is an herculean task.  You might ask me why I have chosen these 7 people to be on the panel to torture Arnab. The reasons are given below

Captain Vijaykanth: 

He is the leader of the opposition in the Tamil Nadu assembly. Alcohol cannot do any harm to him. He is the one who harms alcohol all the time. He was always chased by heroines on screen for his out-of-the-world handsome looks. He can even make Arnab look like a Bagishan Dheeviravaadhi. He is also a brilliant man who is eternally confused between Hindi and English. Watch this video where Captain show's his Hinglish skills.





Manmohan Singh: 

He has ruled this country for ten long years. If you have doubts on that, we can have another news hour debate on that topic. But in my opinion, he is the brain behind the 1991 LPG movement under Rajiv Gandhi's regime. This man can single handedly torture Arnab with his silence.


Poonam Pandey

She is for the TRPs. She comes under the barking dog seldom bite category. She has her own fan base ranging from 10 year olds to 90 year old men. She would single handedly make a majority of viewers to fixate their eyes on her during the entire debate. (Remember! Our main aim is to shift our focus away from Arnab Gowsami). I am not adding any picture of Poonam Pandey here.

Subramanian Swamy

A movie will be a treat to watch only when it has unexpected twists and turns. Unless and until we have a conspiracy specialist in a panel, any debate will be soora mokkai. Swamiji is the best candidate to fill that spot. He is an exposing specialist. He can prove that Sonia Gandhi is not Sonia Gandhi. Unlike TOI which exposes the cleavages of human beings and Gorillas, Swamiji is an expert in transactional analysis. He can single handedly make the interview interesting. No wonder he was a regular at the Newshour when UPA Government was at the helm. This is a short clip of Subramaniam Swamy throwing his gyan on the longest typing mistake.




Siddhu Paaji

He has lightened up the commentary box with his one liners. He has electrified the fourth umpire sessions with his shaiyaris. He has entertained the members of the assembly. Siddhu Paaji is the right candidate to liven up the show with shayaris when ever the discussion loses its charm. If Arnab Gowsami can make room for some cheer girls in the set, Paaji can also shake his leg and show his moves to the entire Nation that does not know what it wants to know from the Newshour.

 TR Rajender

If you do not know him, you are not worth to live on this planet. He is a brilliantly talented man who is teased by many people in social media for his actions. I respect the talent he has. But his actions make me laugh. See this short video. This video single handedly makes him the most eligible candidate to be on the news hour show.






Linguswamy

Finally, the man  of the monet. He is an automatic entry into the panel, because he is the only one who has completely tuned himself for the Newshour debate. 

Substitute: I have Swami Nithyananda as the substitute to fill any of these role, just incase someone does not turn up for the news hour. How ever as Swami is busy with his Yogas and Asanams, we request the TimesNow team to plant hidden cameras in Swami's room so that he can show a full fledged performance at the news Hour.

Arnab Gowsami! The Nation wants to know, if you can handle such a panel. If you have the guts to handle such a panel, I will close this blog and join kekran Mekran company in Dubai.

-Chronicwriter

Sep 23, 2014

On 9/23/2014 | By Chriz
Warning : If you are not comfortable reading this post, I request you to close this page now and leave right away. Don't read the whole post and end up saying "You should not write explicit stuff like this".

My friend Swats encouraged me to write this. Thank you Swats :)

Recently TOI created a stir by writing an article on Deepika padukone's cleavage. A special camera man who carried an expensive camera waited for the opportunity to click a top angle shot of Deepika's cleavage. The Kuppai article is here [ link ] They used a one year old picture for writing that article. After some war on social media sites, people started pouring out their support to Deepika

Deepika Padukone got furious and responded bravely showing beautiful reflexes which resembled her dad's reflexes at the net. Check this [ link ] to know how Deepika responded to Times of India. After her response, support for Deepika grew.

Deepika 2 - TOI -0

Even though there were some supporters for TOI, the tide shifted in favour of Deepika. So the think tank of TOI got together and came back with a stronger reply which was nothing but cow dung material. Times of India's response is here [link ]. 

The social media activists again got busy taking sides. Somee ripped apart TOI. Some started giving moral advice to Deepika and some started attacking Pakistan. Even Lady Gaga was brought into certain discussions.

This is Priya Gupta - The author of that article in TOI.




There was a time when Sify came up with such non sense news. But TOI has taken it all to a whole new level. The paper has now almost become a soft porn material.

Another rumour is floating in the Internet  circle that this whole fiasco has been planned by Deepika and Times of India to promote her next film HNY. I am not sure how far this is true.

 An on-line friend of mine Preethika shared the following picture on her wall. This is the kind of news TOI recommends to its readers. Journalism has gone down to such stooping standards.


Times of India journalists should meet this girl who implanted a third breast [ link ] . Will they have more readers who will be more turned on seeing two cleavages? Will Arnab Gowsami have a Newhour session on Times Now? The Nation really wants to know

No one has written an article on our very own Heroes of Tamil cinema who have flaunted their cleavages. 


And finally before I end, I want to make it very clear that when there are cameras around me, I am gonna wear Chinese coloured shirts. I am not gonna show cleavage. I am a homely traditional guy. 


I miss the pure journalism of Doordarshan days (Sunit Tandon and Usha Alberquerque! I miss you both big time.)

Jai Ho. 

-Chronicwriter

Sep 16, 2014

On 9/16/2014 | By Chriz
It is a common unwritten fact in the world of ads that "Sex" and "Women" sell and convey a point across. This is why we see women acting in lungi ads for men, perfume ads and all the ads where they are not even needed to be portrayed in the first place.

This post goes one step forward in analysing how different products, apps and services are using women and sex to promote their products through Facebook.

If you are a Facebook user, you would have come across "Sponsored Ads" , "Featured Ads" appearing on your timeline. These are paid Ads promoted through Facebook. People can promote the ads targeting age, gender, location of a user and many more categories.

The pictures used in the post are screenshots gathered by Chronicwriter from the ads that appeared on his mobile phone and while using FB through his lap top. So the ads will be a mixture of mobile app related ads and Page Like increasing ads.

Sit back, relax and get ready for a Maanam ketta Gubeer laugh marathon.

1) The formal lady.

This app appeared on my mobile phone and I felt that the lady was looking right at me. Only later I realised that this was a social media dashboard promotion. We are just getting started. So Neenga edhir paarkuradhu will come.



2) The Swimsuit camera user.

Can you find one reason why the swim suit lady is used for this ad? It is a shopping app, where they sell products. 


3) The Cleavage copywriter.

Now don't go on a judging spree and throw a tantrum. If they are promoting a copywriter, they can show a caption that showcases their creative copy content. But a girl with horse hair and a low cut blouse does not convey the reality.




4) The camera girl

This group claims that they are India's one and only interactive online photography institute. There are three such institutes in my locality itself. Here also, a girl is needed to focus the camera.



5)The Quikr girl

Quikr is the last place I will search for a job. These days people are dating using Quikr. Again a girl model is used for this ad. This is targeted for male audiences. 


6) Online MBA girl

This is an Online MBA course and it means that you need not go to class rooms or a college campus to do this course. This girl is not even gonna become my classmate. But sure this girl is more than enough to capture the attention


7) Music App

To listen to Honey Singh, why does she need to sit on his lap?  and when a person gets a chance to meet Honey Singh, would he allow a Guy to sit on his lap like that? But this ad also expresses the gilma effect to the viewers.


8) The girl's butt

This is a social networking app it seems. The ad directly gives an impression that you can take any girl to bed by just joining the site.


9) Back pain Ad

Would you smile like this and pose like this when you have back pain? But the models sure can.


10) Online MBA again

Some more Online MBA courses. NIBM! You are a jagajaala killadi.


11) Now a University

They could actually tell the courses they offer in the ad. Instead a girl occupies half their ad space.


12) The cute bank girl

It is an App by ICICI. The cute girl will indeed catch the user attention.




 13) MBA in USA

Now how many guys want to do an MBA in USA?


14) MTV ad

This is why I am scared to watch MTV at home. I never know what pops up on TV. Sunny Leone for a music channel Ad.


15) Shruthi 

Finally they have used Shruthi too for a lousy mobile recharge ad :(



16) The tablet girl

How many of you saw the tabs before seeing the girl?

17) Social Networking App again

I have never seen people like this lying on the sand near my house. 


-Chronicwriter

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Sep 9, 2014

On 9/09/2014 | By Chriz
Saeed Ajmal has been banned from bowling in any format of the game because his bowling action has found to be illegal it seems. After failing to find this for all these years a veenaa pona committee has suddenly found that his bowling action 15 degrees of tolerance when the ball is released from his hands. It has been stated that even his doosra is illegal. 

What really baffles me is that the number one bowler in the world has ended up at the receiving end after taking more than 400 wickets in his career. In the past, bowlers like Muralidharan have also fallen victim to the cricket's governing body.

This is the bowling action that has been labelled by the special SWAT team as the illegal bowling action. His arm is bent more than 15 degrees at the time of releasing the ball (It seems). Where was this SWAT team all these years?



If that Bowling action is illegal, What about this bowling action of Malinga? May be Malinga might not have a 15 degree bend in the arms. But he bowls almost 90 degree from his shoulders. His bowling action reminds me of  a friend Rajesh who was a discuss thrower.



If at least one can bear with Mallinga's action, what would your answer be for Paul Adam's bowling action? That guy had a bowling action that only drunk people in Rave parties could relate to. He used to run into the crease like a pregnant ostrich and then suddenly hop like a constipate frog before delivering the ball with a 360 spin. 



ICC accepted that action as a bowling action but has banned Saeed Ajmal's action.

Srini Mama! Tussi Great Ho

-Chronicwriter

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